Original subtitles

I found you a man.

Barb Jean, for the 15th time, I'm not dating your grandpa.

You missed the boat.

He ran off with his day nurse.

Well, not so much ran as... But

I know you need a little help in this area, so I signed you up for an online

dating service.

What do you mean?

Dating is when two people who like each other go out in public.

They're called a latte because they cost a lot.

Van, when you asked me to watch Elizabeth while you went to the store to

some orange juice, I didn't think you meant in Florida.

Sorry it took so long, Mrs. H, but I couldn't remember which kind Elizabeth

likes, so I had to call Cheyenne, who needed a ride home from the library.

Yeah, so he picked me up, and since both of us were hungry, we decided to go to

lunch.

So where's the juice?

Shoot!

Can you watch Elizabeth while I run to the store to get the juice? Oh, you

want to get some aspirin for yourself.

Why do I need aspirin?

Guys,

will you please tell Miss... 19th century here that online dating is a

to meet compatible men. Well, tell them to wear a helmet.

Wait, but at least take a look at who the computer picked for you. I mean, one

of these guys could be your soulmate.

Hey, what about Steve, the mortician?

Or Greg, the prison guard?

Or Jorge, who works at the zoo?

Oh, that guy's a keeper. Yeah.

Mrs. H, don't hit me.

Did you ever stop to think that I wouldn't be so cranky if I didn't have

loads of laundry, babysitting job, and dishes to wash?

Okay, look.

I can do the dishes. Van can do everything else. I mean... It's a little

housework compared to you finding your soulmate.

Well, I have been a little cranky lately. Yeah?

I do need something.

And I know what it is.

Starts with an L, ends in an E, has an O and a V, rhymes with dove.

What do I have to be worried about, that I'm going to meet a crazy person?

up with the love of her life.

We'll bond over her first kiss, their first fight, where I'll have to comfort

her. There, there, Reba.

Hello,

loved ones.

Barb Jean.

So, how did it go?

Well, I have to say, that was one of the best afternoons I've had in a long

time. Real happy for you, Mrs. H, but Shiner... I'm going to the movies. So,

trash needs to be taken out. Dishes in the hamper. See ya.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hang on. You didn't let me finish.

He also asked me out for dinner tonight, so you guys will have to stay in.

What? This is so unfair.

You know what? After I've done today, I'm not cooking dinner.

Believe me, Cheyenne, nobody wants that.

Well, seeing as I played Cupid on this one, when do I get to meet Mr.

Didn't I already? set you up with a man.

See, Jake, when I ask, how was your day, and you say, fine, you know, that is

not real communication.

I mean, friends talk to each other, you know, even after they've made new

friends. You know, something I wish your mother knew.

Now, I have told you the story about how I got fired from a llama ranch because

I sang to the animals.

do is just tell me one lousy thing about your date.

Reba?

Oh, crap.

Let me guess.

Reba's out on a date again.

Yeah, yeah. Third night this week.

Please send me home.

Sorry, buddy. I'm sure your mom will be back soon. Listen, why don't you go hang

out with Henry?

Honey, I'm worried about that boy.

Being abandoned by his mother is causing him to shut down emotionally.

Come on, Barbara Jean.

You made him watch your DVD of The Way We Were three times.

He's not shutting down. He's playing dead.

Fine. All right, it's me.

I miss her.

This morning, I had coffee with her photo.

Reba! Sorry, love to chat. Don't have anything to say. Jake!

How was your date with this so -called really great guy?

Oh, wonderful. We had dinner and caught an early movie. Bree, but you need to

slow down. This is just happening too fast.

You need to see other people.

I'm available.

No, I'm not going to slow down or see other people. As hard as it is to

I have found someone wonderful.

Someone who appreciates me.

Someone I think I could spend the rest of my life with. As a matter of fact, I

think I'm in love. It's about time. Don't you know they're in here talking

me?

Are you really in love, Mom?

Jake, can you keep a secret?

Am I going to have a little brother?

Jake,

I'm not in love.

I'm not even seeing anybody.

I'm just pretending to go out on these dates so I can have a little alone time

for me.

You know, take a break from the loony bin.

I hear you.

Dad and I didn't really join the Scouts.

Really? Then what do you guys do every Saturday?

Hey, are we keeping secrets here or not?

The fence, the fence trick, telling him folding laundry's fun, but he's no

idiot.

Hey, Cheyenne, did you know folding laundry is good for your

skin?

Hey, has Reba left for her date yet? No, she's in the kitchen, which is spotless

thanks to me, and she better not be making a mess in there!

Hey, Barbara Jean, did you know that folding laundry lifts and firms your

buttocks?

For one, I'm not going to trust this guy until he comes to the house, meets the

family, and starts picking up his share of the chores around here.

This is just so ridiculous.

You know, I can give her everything a man can.

Yeah, look.

Reba clearly does not want us to meet this guy.

That's not really fair to him.

So I think we should track down this guy and see what he wants.

Good idea.

Okay, I got a plan to figure out where she's going tonight.

Watch and learn.

Hey, Van, you know what? I think it really does feel firmer.

Nice.

What do you want to know?

We need to know where you're going to go just in case we need to call you just

in case of an emergency.

I have my cell.

Well, what if you're having dinner in the mountains and we can't reach your

cell?

There are no mountains in Houston, baby.

What if you're having dinner in an underground bunker made of lead?

We'll sit by an underground window.

Here's what we do. Yeah. We call her cell. We record the background noise. We

have it analyzed by a restaurant sound expert.

Bam, we got him.

Hello?

Yeah? Yes.

Hi. Yes, thank you very much.

That was Petit Jacques calling to confirm Mom's dinner reservation

Oh. Yeah.

Okay, here's what we do. Okay.

We call Petit Jacques.

We record.

The background noise.

Analyzed by a restaurant. Get in the car.

Here to watch Elizabeth for Elizabeth for a little bit? Sure. She gets 50

an hour.

What? No way.

Seven bucks an hour and she can talk on the phone to the other witches in the

coven.

Diane, we don't need to negotiate with him. He's tiny and I can throw him.

I speak for Karen. The price just went to 60.

Want to throw me now, Van?

Can I buy you some dinner to go with that wine?

Oh, no thanks.

I'm sorry I didn't realize you were with someone.

Oh, I'm not. Well, I am, sort of, but not really.

But, um, thanks, but no.

Something tells me you're going to have a hard time deciding on an entree.

What are y 'all doing here? You're going to ruin my date.

Oh, yeah?

With such a great date, how come you're reading a book?

Oh, Lord, he's a writer.

That's right, he's a writer.

Oh, Reba, I see through your facade.

Your date stood you up.

What kind of a guy has a chance to be with you and then leaves you?

At the table.

Look, guys, my date did not stand me up, okay?

Well, we're not leaving until we meet him. Okay, all right, all right, fine,

fine.

He's, um... Um... Ah, there he is.

Excuse me.

Oh, okay.

I changed my mind. I want dinner.

What? Yeah, yeah, that's my family over there. They're all crazy. My name is

Reba, and if you would pretend to be my boyfriend, then they'll probably leave

me alone, okay?

Now go.

Mom, can you drink? Here he is.

This is, uh...

My date.

Oh, date? This is my family. Oh.

You certainly know your way around a bar.

Thanks for taking the 12 steps over here.

I'm Brock.

The ex.

The shoes to fill. Oh, yeah.

I'm Ted.

I'm... Irina's boyfriend.

Her name's Reba.

He calls me Irina because I remind him of a Russian princess.

He's so cute.

Hey, what do you say we ditch this place, go back to the house, Mrs. H can

up some supper, and you can start pulling some sheets.

Ted, Reba hasn't really talked about you, so talk.

Okay, well, I like fishing.

Me too.

You do not. Do now.

She's my little fish girl.

Oh, that's me.

Yellow.

No, Jake, we did not talk about overtime. I swear I will throw you.

So, Ted, tell me about... Ted.

Well, my name is Ted.

And I'm a bicycle salesman from Ottawa. I'm only in the States part -time.

Canada. Land of scam artists.

I thought you were a writer.

No, no, no.

Rider. A bicycle rider.

Oh, you thought I meant book writer? Yeah. Oh, no, that's funny.

I'd never date a book writer.

They're worse than musicians.

You're from Canada?

But that's so far away.

It's a beautiful place.

You'll like it, Reba. Really?

What do you say?

You want to get married?

Well,

Ted, this is a little odd.

No. No, no, she does not. Barbara Jean. I love this woman.

And I'm taking her to Canada.

Hey, Ed. Oh, yeah?

Well, I love her more, and if I can't have her, no one can.

Okay, you can have her. Yeah.

All right, fine.

All right, looks like I'm paying overtime. Can we speed this up, people?

get in the car. You're moving in.

Okay, that's it.

Ted is not my boyfriend. I don't have a boyfriend.

The person I was dating was me.

Well, then who's this guy?

Well, my name really is Ted, but I'm not a Canadian bicycle salesman. I was just

trying to be weird enough to scare off your family.

Good luck.

So really, you never had a date?

Yeah, I did.

I had a date set up with the zookeeper, but he never showed.

But as I was sitting there by myself, I realized something.

I realized that I like spending time by myself.

But I'm always so busy taking care of y 'all that I never get the chance to do

that.

Oh, Mrs. H, you know what's a great way to spend time with yourself?

Folding clothes.

I need some time away from the house.

And if that means going out reading a book or learning French, well, I don't

think that's such a big deal, and it's not too much to ask.

Oh, sorry, Mom.

I guess we didn't realize how much you did around the house until we had to do

it ourselves.

Yeah. We learned a valuable lesson.

It only cost me 80 bucks and an iPod.

You gave him my iPod? You had better... Well,

Reba, glad you weren't dating a con man.

And when you do find someone, I hope he's at least as handsome and well put

together as I am.

That's all you deserved.

Thanks, Brock.

But I hope he doesn't have your bird legs.

You still think about him, don't you?

minute, Tweety.

Look,

Reba, I'm really sorry that we all came down here tonight to ruin your date.

I learned something about myself that I don't like very much.

Turns out, I would rather you were unhappy in all mine than happy with

else.

Does that make me a bad person?

Oh, Barb Jean, of course it does.

It's just that I know that someday you're going to meet someone special,

just going to have to find a way to deal with the loss of my best friend.

You know, Barb Jean, I realized something a long time ago.

No matter where I go or who I meet or how many times I change my phone number,

you'll hunt me down like a dog.

Well, thanks, Ted. You're a good sport.

You know, my family seems a little weird, but that's only the first

They're also dangerous.

My family's crazy, too. Really?

But after meeting yours, I think I'll call mine.

Hey, by the way, what do you do for a living? I'm a musician.

Hey, I just went to the kitchen and got these myself.

Hey, Reba, aren't you glad I invited Ted to come over? Yeah, and we're so glad

you stayed.

Isn't she a pistol?

You know, I was just thinking that if you two like each other, technically, I

introduced you.

That's true.

Reba never would have invited me over if she didn't want you to go away.

I know.

Isn't life funny?

You know what else is funny?

This one time, Reba and I went bowling.

It's hilarious.

You two want to be alone.

All right. All right, Reba, you and I, we will catch up later, okay?