Original subtitles

Mom, thanks for coming.

She's been like this all day.

What's wrong?

She's really depressed.

Why is there?

She doesn't eat. She doesn't talk. She just keeps playing that stupid flute.

Poor thing.

Good thing she didn't get that banjo she wanted.

I don't think she realized how hard it was going to be after she kicked Dad

Yeah, I know.

I made it look like fun.

I'll talk to her.

Barbara Jean?

Oh, hey, Reba.

What's wrong?

I don't know.

I woke up this morning with no man, no career, no future.

I'm stuck at home with the kids. My life has turned into yours.

It's horrible.

Barbara Jean, you need to get off that couch. I can't.

My entire backside is numb.

My bad. I was supposed to roll her over.

Barbara Jean, you just can't lie around moping about Brock.

You need to do something to make you feel good about yourself.

It's fun to go out.

Yeah? Maybe to a bar.

It's been a while since I've been in a room full of drunken men that just want

to take advantage of me.

That makes me feel good about myself.

Barbara Jean, you can't do that. You're a married woman.

I'm a separated woman.

And I'm not going to do anything.

I just want to flirt and feel attractive again.

Will you go with me?

I got a great idea.

Why don't I just tell you you look nice and then put you in a cab?

Wait, but you have to go with me.

You know, because of the two -girl theory.

Never heard of it. We have a two -girl theory at school, but it's about the

girls' field hockey team.

When a woman goes to singles bar alone, she looks like a loser.

Therefore, she attracts only losers.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

When I was young, I went to bars.

Okay,

tell me about your theory.

When two women go out together, they attract the hot men because they don't

scream, love me, we're desperate.

You know, unless they actually do scream, love me, we're desperate.

Which, trust me, Does not work.

Well, since you put it that way... No.

I'm going home.

I don't know, Mom.

Maybe you should go with her.

Going to a crowded bar might be the kind of boost she needs.

Can't you go with her?

Remember you said if I got overwhelmed with Barbara Jean, you'd help?

Oh, Kira.

Honey, I didn't mean that.

Okay, Barbagina, I'll go with you. Just once.

Oh, sweet!

This is gonna be super fun!

This is gonna be outrageous and off the hook. Can I get a woo -woo?

What are you gonna wear?

A disguise.

with Barbara Jean.

She's going to be in a...

in a cheerful mood. Oh, I had a great time with Barbara Jean last night. That

one funny gal.

Grandma's still drunk.

Oh, and you know that two -girl theory, Barbara Jean? It really does work.

And she's like a guy magnet.

I mean, it's just like taking a giant puppy in there, those big eyes of hers.

Plus, when you do this, she looks every time.

a bunch of napkins with telephone numbers written on them. I thought I'd

them in my purse.

Okay, here. You're on. Mom!

Look what Barbara Jean made you.

Reba's cocktail napkin scrapbook!

Look at this.

These are all the guys that want Reba bad.

I've organized them by hunkosity, but there's an index in the back that's

alphabetical.

Jean, I can't believe you did all this. Yeah, well, the alphabetizing wasn't all

her.

Here's that neurologist's number.

Dr. Bob.

Oh, he was cute.

And quite a hiney.

Not as good as Joe the fireman.

Oh, no. They've discovered boys.

Can't you see I'm fixing my fish?

Fine, but I'll have to tell Mom how you got me in trouble at school.

Oh, like I could do that. I'm not even in your school.

Remember that stuff you told me? You know, the talk.

What talk?

Van gave me the talk, and I told everybody else.

Van gave you the talk talk?

Well, I told him in confidence.

Our next talk?

It's a little something called keeping your mouth shut.

Jake, go to school.

Van and I need to discuss this.

Fine. But what are you going to say that Van hasn't already told me?

Really?

Are you crazy?

Van, you can't do stuff like that. That was for a parent to do.

Well, I feel sorry for him. He doesn't have a dad.

Keep forgetting.

Oh.

Honey, you have to tell Mom exactly what you told Jake. Everything.

How would I do that? She'll kill me.

Van, it's the responsible thing to do.

What if someone gave Elizabeth the talk?

I'm not going to do it. I am serious. I am going to be so mad.

had so much fun trolling for men.

Barbara Jean, we weren't trolling.

They were jumping in the boat. Oh, yeah.

Reba, you and I make a great team.

Hey, we should have team jerseys made up.

We could call ourselves the two girls, and guys would come over and say, what

does that mean, the two girls? And I'd say, I'm not telling.

And then they'd say, what's your name, sugar? And I'd say, I'm Barbara Jean,

this is Reba. And then we would meet every eligible man in town, and then

everybody.

and we'd have a huge reputation.

That sounds great, but no shirts and no reputation.

Reba, if we go into a bar without shirts, we're going to have a

Hey, Reba, have you seen Barbara Jean?

So where were you last night?

Doing something.

Doing what? I thought we had plans. What is with all the questions, Brock?

This is like CSI Miami.

Barbara Jean, we were... Oh, I can't hear you. Detective Forensic David

What was that all about?

Barbara Jean was supposed to meet me for marriage counseling last night.

Instead, she was out bar hopping.

Oh, this golf buddy of mine is one of the bartenders over at the Blue Lounge.

Yeah, he said she was cruising with some slutty friend.

Well, maybe your bartender friend should stop criticizing his customers and

learn how to make a pink squirrel.

And I'm sure the woman was perfectly lovely.

Well, who cares about her? She's probably just some old tramp. No, the

is...

Barbara Jean skipped our counseling session, which I find really selfish and

inconsiderate. I mean, I'm sitting there paying some guy a hundred bucks an hour

to feel like a fool. You have no idea what that's like.

Oh, well, not nitpick, but actually I do.

Rock, when we were separated, there were lots of times that you didn't show up

for our counseling.

Well, that's different. I didn't go then because ours was all about you blaming

me for every little thing.

Rock, I spent hours with that therapist trying to save our marriage, but you

were off with Barbara Jean.

Well, guess what?

Now I'm off with Barbara Jean. What do you think about that?

You were out with Barbara Jean? Yes!

I'm the slutty friend! Surprise!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go put on my war paint.

Because Barbara Jean and I are going to go out manhunting.

and I'm going out.

Cheyenne, does this outfit make me look slutty?

No, of course not. You look really nice. Thank you.

This is age.

Va, va, va, boom.

I'm changing.

Ben, did you tell Mom yet?

Tell me what?

Don't do it, Cheyenne.

told Jake the facts of life.

Betrayed!

He did what?

He gave Jake the talk about the facts of life, but he didn't want to tell you,

but I thought it was my duty as a responsible adult.

Well, this is a surprise.

Go after her, Mom. She's scared of you.

Well, Van, all I can say is thank you.

Yeah, I mean, it was really easy telling my little girls about it, but I think a

boy should hear it from a man.

Excuse me for a minute.

You know, I can't take all the credit.

Two dogs across the street brought up the subject.

It was the responsible thing to do, Cheyenne.

How did he take it? Oh, he loved it. He was laughing. We were high -fiving. It

was awesome.

You kept it age -appropriate, right?

Absolutely. Nothing graphic or anything.

I just explained that I was, like, you know, wrestling with his buddies, both

girls, and that once you've done it, it's all you ever want to talk about.

But, Van, he's a kid. You were supposed to keep it technical and boring.

Rattling makes it sound fun. Oh, don't worry. I didn't make it sound fun. I

don't even think of it like that.

Excuse me?

Oh, I mean, it's fun with you, honey, just not with other people.

What other people?

Other people do it, Cheyenne. Just take a look around the mall.

Why don't you just tell me what you said to him? Why?

I did it right.

All right, look, if it all makes you feel better, I'll talk to him again and

tell him it's no fun.

In fact, I'll tell him it's a lot of pressure and a lot of work, and

I'd just rather read.

We'll talk about this later.

Endlessly.

I don't want you to talk to him. I just need to determine if I need to talk to

him. No big deal, Mrs. H. We started with the dogs, and I segued from them to

the birds and the bees. But not for long, because to be perfectly honest

you, I don't know anything about how the birds and the bees do it.

Except if they're doing it when they're flying, it's probably dangerous. That's

why you probably see birds smashing into windows all the time.

Yeah, thank you.

I've just determined that I do need to talk to him.

Hey, he's your kid. Yeah, yeah.

I told him I kind of invented it, so...

I

rate that guy a five.

Now he's an eight.

Why are you writing your phone number in all those napkins?

Trying to beat the rush.

Yeah, because that's... After a couple of jello shots, my name looks like Robo.

Ooh, they're cute.

Make the puppy eyes.

Come on, Reba.

They're not looking at my eyes.

Make the puppy eyes. Oh, all right.

Hey, uh, I know you. We work in the same medical building.

I'm Paul. I'm a surgeon on the third floor. Oh.

Well, that's my mistake, because I've been getting all my surgery up on the

second floor.

You guys like jello shots? Sure.

We'll be right back. Thanks.

Reba, we should do this every Thursday night.

Yeah, but then we'd only be getting the Thursday night crop.

There's a whole week's worth of men to be harvested down here.

Yeah, but I need something to do on Thursdays. That's my marriage counseling

night with Brock.

He just makes it miserable for me. Yeah, I've been there.

I bet he's all, hey, don't blame me. I didn't do nothing wrong.

I'm Brock. I'm Mr. Perfect.

No, he's more like, we need to talk about our feelings. We need to work on

thing together.

No, he's not.

Yeah, he is.

He's become really earnest.

And not the funny earnest that went to camp.

But you know, that don't sound like the Brock that I know.

Sounds like somebody who's trying.

Yeah, trying my nerves.

Good one, Barbara Jean.

You know, Barbara Jean, this could be the jello talking, but don't you think

you're being a little hard on him?

Hard on him?

Reba, this is hard on me.

I mean, one day he decides he's not happy with his life.

Try not to take that personally.

Yeah, but it sounds like he's not stopping there.

It sounds like he's trying to do something about it. I think the

help. Well, maybe I don't want to help.

Maybe I want him to know what it feels like to be left twisting in the wind.

Are you doing this to punish him?

That.

And cutting tiny little holes into all of his socks.

All right, here we go, ladies.

You know what? We just quit drinking.

What? Yeah, you heard me.

This woman is married, and her husband is emotionally unstable. Now, shoot.

Reba, what did you do that for?

Look, Barbara Jean, nobody blames you for being hurt. But when you got

you made a commitment.

Now here you are out having a good time, avoiding all the issues, instead of

giving it your all and trying to save your relationship.

Reba, this is my marriage.

And maybe I don't want to fix it.

Okay. But that's a decision you need to make somewhere where they're not serving

booze that jiggles.

Now let's go.

Fine. But I'm still cutting holes in his socks.

Actually, I'm single.

You know what's funny?

You never see cats doing that.

What's your name, Brock?

Oh, I wanted to apologize for being such a jerk.

Which time?

The most recent one.

Barbara Jean called this morning, and she said that you talked to her about

therapy. That means a lot to me.

Has Barbara Jean agreed to go with you?

She's not sure.

She'll think about it.

Man, I hope she does.

You really are trying, aren't you?

Harder than anything in my life.

Just wish I didn't have to do it alone.

I know how that feels.

You know, Brock, when we were going through our separation, I thought I'd

you for the rest of my life.

But now that you're going through it, I feel bad for you.

And I'm sorry.

I really am.

I'm sorry to be rude.

Okay,

that's enough of that.

That was, well, all I can say is my shrink is going to have a field day with

this.

What do you mean?

You know, the feelings you have for me.

I don't have feelings for you, Brock. I said I know what you're going through.

That's called empathy.

Come on, Reba. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

You felt it.

Felt what?

You know, a spark.

A spark?

Of all the egotistical... I'll show you one moment of kindness and you have the

gold. Whoa, I'm detecting a lot of anger here, Reba. You think?

You know, excessive anger always covers hidden feelings. Oh, well, that may very

well be.

But I'm not hiding my feelings. Watch.

I need a jello shot.