Original subtitles

I love you, Rhonda.

Van!

Oh,

good morning, Van.

Van, this is H. If Cheyenne asked, I would not out driving my new sports car.

Now, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly?

I did not see that coming.

Hey, Van, is that the book where the caterpillar drives his fancy Mustang?

I knew it.

Van, you have to choose.

It's me or Rhonda.

Rhonda? Oh, Van named his car Rhonda.

You ever met a Rhonda that wasn't after your man, Mom?

Nope.

He won't even let me drive it. Her.

Drive her.

And now we have to go pick up Elizabeth. And since Rhonda doesn't have back

seatbelts, we have to borrow your car again.

Oh, no, not again.

You guys never fill it up. And the other day, there was a taco underneath my

seat.

That doesn't make it yours.

Ben, we're parents now. We should have a car like Mom's. It's practical and

boring and responsible.

And beige. Uh -uh, uh -uh.

Harvest gold.

Harvest beige.

It's true, Mrs. H. Your car's a dull, beige, yawn -mobile.

But we need to borrow it.

Okay, fine. Take my beige, boring car.

Might not be hot and sexy, but by golly, you can put three bags of fertilizer in

the trunk.

It's real pretty, Jake. By the way, chicks love that.

Hey, Mom.

Hey. I need a ride to basketball practice.

Jake, Van and Cheyenne just took my car. You gotta tell me these things.

Okay.

Mom, I need to ride back.

Okay.

We'll just take Van's car. It's right outside.

I don't think Van wants anybody driving his car.

Did he specifically tell you not to?

No. Then it's not a rule. Just like you never specifically told him he can't eat

peanut butter straight from the jar.

He uses a spoon, right?

He kind of makes one with his fingers. Oh, gross.

Come on, Jake.

As soon as I drop you off, Rhonda and I are going to go buy some peanut butter.

Who's Rhonda?

Guy with a family buys a silly car like this.

I think it's cool.

Not cool.

Not bad.

cowboy I'm gonna name you Ron

With gentle hands and the heart of a fighter, I'm a

survivor.

Hey, Mom. Hey.

So, Jake said you were driving really fast.

He thinks you're cool.

a punk and a Camaro little lesson when the light turned green?

Hey, Mom.

Guess what?

We need to borrow your car again.

Why? Here are a few clues.

Van, Rhonda, dumb move.

No problem.

Here you go. All right.

We're family, and families share.

I share my car with you, and who knows, maybe Van one day will share his car

with me.

Apples and oranges.

Oh, no.

Nick and Van's car is my thing.

All right, but it would be a shame if Van found out somehow.

You wouldn't. Why not? I'm from a broken home.

Fine, but you gotta wear that. A scarf? Mom, come on.

Oh, yeah.

Rhonda has a dress code.

Oh,

well, wow.

I hate basketball.

I had to guard a girl.

Little Zoe Levin lit him up like a Christmas tree.

So, uh, what's at the get -up?

Well, it's, uh... Mother Daughter Day. Yeah. Where? In the 50s?

No, uh... At the Scarf Museum.

It's great if you're into scarves. I want to go. No, you don't.

First hundred people get a new scarf.

As long as you are my son, if you are not going to the scarf museum.

Jake's right. I am cool.

Did you see that guy's face? He didn't want to race me.

It was a school bus, Mom.

I had a kid with me, too. Didn't make me a chicken.

Stop telling me to be careful.

Please tell me I hit you.

How bad is it?

Oh, I don't think it even made it. Oh, good Lord, there it is. Oh, no.

What are we going to do?

We? We weren't driving. You were driving. Oh, no. You were my accomplice.

when we were on the road, but when we're standing on the driveway, I'm just an

eyewitness. She did it, officer.

the trash out, those trash cans wouldn't have been there. You told me to. And

you didn't? What's up with that?

Fine. Blame the teenage daughter.

No.

I'm the adult.

I was driving. I'll take responsibility.

Maybe you don't even have to tell them.

Yes, I have to. It's the right thing to do.

Is it really?

Think about it, Mom.

Van loves that this car was in perfect condition, and now that there's a

on it, that love will be tainted.

Tainted love.

They've written songs about it.

I've been stalling van for an hour. He wanted to go out to drive, but I told

he had to clean the attic. Have you found a body shop yet? Yeah. Hank

the auto mender.

Guaranteed to fix your fender in under an hour, which didn't rhyme, but it's

good time.

You can have it done by five.

Let's go.

Where's the kid?

Where's the car?

Well, wherever they are, I bet they're together.

If the car's not out there, then he must be out driving it. I'm not out driving

it. Van, I thought you were up cleaning the attic.

Yeah, Mrs. H.

What's the rush with the attic all of a sudden?

Van, if the stuff that I stored away and forgot about is dirty, then why would I

bother keeping it?

Barbara Jean bar.

Barbara Jean?

I thought you had a rule nobody could drive your car.

No, there's no rule. You just need to sign the Rhonda pledge.

Simple, six -page document.

And you know why she signed it?

Because she gets it.

Gets what?

About a week ago, Rhonda and I spotted each other across a crowded used car lot

and made a very special connection.

And yet everybody has been really critical, especially you and Cheyenne.

Sorry, we didn't know Rhonda could hear. Oh, we hear.

The comments, the looks of scorn, we hear them, and they hurt.

You hear the looks of scorn? I heard that one!

Ben! Reba!

Ben!

Oh, thanks a million for letting me borrow Rhonda. No thanks necessary,

Jane. See page four of the pledge.

Well, I'm gonna go for a spin.

Oh, wait!

Ben, did you, um, vacuum the attic?

Did I vacuum the attic? Yeah. Did I vacuum the attic?

Oh, I put a huge scratch on Van's car.

Where, back left?

Yeah, how'd you know?

Lucky guess.

Oh.

Oh, Reba, why me? What have I done to deserve this?

It's almost like God is punishing you for stealing my mom's husband.

Here, I think we've moved past that.

Well, of course. we have.

I mean, me taking Brock is what brought us all together.

You know, it's what turned us into one big happy family, right?

Yeah, until you wrecked Van's car.

Gosh,

Van is gonna lose it when he finds out I wrecked his car.

He really is. He gets that look where his two eyebrows merge together.

And he looks like that Muppet that lives in the trash can.

Barb Jean, even though I know this is totally your fault, I'm willing to help

out. Now, go ask Van to borrow his car again. We'll take it down to Hank

Bender's auto shop, and he can have it ready by five.

How do you know that?

Well, it's Hank Bender. He's a legend.

Don't mention this to anybody. Not a word. Great.

I scratched Van's car.

You scratched Van's car?

Yeah. Why did I sign that ever -loving...

Pledge. Pledge. Van's car again.

Okay, okay. All right. Do I look guilty?

Not at all.

Good.

Good.

It was me.

I scratched Van's car.

Whoa. What? You?

Yeah, I was walking by her, and she gave me one of those smug looks, so I

whacked her with my purse.

On the back left?

Yeah, how'd you know?

Lucky guess.

down on me.

Okay, it doesn't matter who scratched the car. No matter who scratched the

Barbara Jean scratched the car.

Okay, okay, got it.

Oh, I can't face them.

Oh, my jaw hurts.

Stop grinning. Okay, look, we'll take it down to the body shop. If any comes

down from the attic, distract him. All right, but hurry. At some point, we're

going to run out of shiny objects.

You know, now that I look at it...

that old lady going to put that scratch here?

Oh, yeah, they're cagey. Yeah.

Let's get out of here, old babe.

Hey! Van!

Yeah, it's me, Van.

How? What are you doing?

Well, 2 .15.

Every day at this time, I wipe her down with a chamois.

Sweet.

What are you guys doing? Bird watching.

Woodpecker, nature's lumberjack.

Van, you need to go inside right now.

Why?

Look, a squirrel.

Oh.

Cheyenne's got a surprise for you inside.

Really? Uh -huh.

Oh, I love surprises. I know.

Okay.

Be back, honey.

Nature's lumberjack? I know.

That's the beaver. I panic.

You were going to give him a surprise.

I don't have a surprise.

Well, then make up something.

Ta -da!

Oh, my gosh!

Tissues?

This is my big surprise.

Is there something underneath there?

It's for your car.

Yeah. I see it. Yeah, for your car.

Remember the other day when we were driving and you sneezed?

Yeah, it's a great gift. You'll always see those people driving, having nose

trouble. Yeah.

What a better world it would be if everybody had a tissue when they needed

Hey,

Ben,

guess what I just saw?

Not now, okay, buddy?

I'd be in a bad mood, too, if there was a huge scratch on my car.

What? There's a huge scrape on your car.

Show me.

Hmm. Maybe he's okay with it.

something to say.

Kira and I went to the scarf museum, which is not as exciting as it sounds.

Yeah, well, I was just about to say that's the original paint job, which

that it's old paint, which can't be very expensive, so how's ten bucks?

Ten bucks?

Ten bucks stinks!

They had calmed down.

No big deal?

No big deal?

Listen, it's no big deal. What if somebody borrowed your... What is

you love?

Peanut butter. Well, there you go. What if somebody borrowed your peanut butter?

You threw me off by saying peanut butter.

And I know you know I use my fingers.

Then we will pay whatever it takes to get your car fixed.

Up to ten bucks.

Barbara Jean, who's going to repair the scratch in my soul?

Because you put that scratch there.

And the worst part is you signed the Rhonda Pledge.

Say it with me. I hereby promise to uphold sanctity. I

didn't read it. I just skimmed it.

Well, you should never sign anything without reading it.

Anne, stop torturing the woman.

The truth is... It was me.

I scratched Rhonda with my purse.

And I'm glad I did it.

You did it? Mm -hmm.

My own... flesh and blood by marriage?

Yeah, and you were just gonna let me take the blame?

Oh, Rhonda was right about you.

Look, I was jealous, okay?

Van talks about this car like it's another woman.

Okay, it's driving me nuts. It's just a stupid car. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

easy. Honey, that's the man's car you're talking about.

I shall never trust you or forgive you again. Shall?

Mm -hmm. Shall? Since when do you... to say shall you big jerk all right

everybody just calm down this is going far enough i'm a jerk i got a scratch in

my car and i'm a jerk well i think anybody who puts the scratch there with

purse shall be a jerk stop saying shall shall shall shall shall who

are you cheyenne i mean what else don't i know about you oh well you obviously

don't know that i won't take a back seat to your car

Your wife's getting my pledge. Six pages?

Single speech?

Oh, come on!

Rhonda is tearing us apart! I

did it!

I did it.

I scratched your car. Not you, not you, not you. Me!

Kira, was there? Ask her.

Kira, is it true?

It's true.

And there is no scarf museum.

What?

And even if there was, no.

You know, when I stepped on the gas pedal and that engine roared, it spoke

me. It said, drive me, you sexy redhead.

It was you.

No way.

She's too responsible.

That's why I did it. You all see me as this responsible, sensible person that

would never do anything dangerous, wild, or fun.

Well, guess what?

I'm not beige.

There's a side of me that has a need for speed.

Reaper? Oh, yeah.

Side of me that needs to burn rubber.

You burn Rhonda's rubber?

Baby into gear, crank up the stereo, forget all your troubles, and show that

punk in a Camaro a thing or two.

Mom? Wow.

Ripper? I shall never look at you the same way again.

Ben, Ben, I'm sorry I dinged your car.

But I get it now.

Rhonda and me, well, we're just two bad girls looking for trouble.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go bake brownies for Jake's field trip.

Does mom wear a scarf when she bakes? Never.

Where are my keys?

Mrs. H, you have to stop!