Original subtitles

Hey, Mom, you got a minute?

Oh, honey, not this morning. I am running so late for work. Well, I kind

wanted your advice about boys.

I'll call in sick.

Boy advice?

I'm your older sister. That's my birthright.

No offense, but I kind of decided not to ask you for advice when your water

broke during high school graduation.

You're seriously asking Mom for advice about boys?

Barbara Jean would be better than Mom.

I would be better than Barbara Jean. It goes me, Barbara Jean, Dad, Van, Jake,

then Mom.

I'm glad we don't have a dog.

Barbara Jean is nuts, and Dad, well, as he puts it, he was a teenage boy once,

too. And apparently a creepy one.

And I can't talk to my friends because then everybody in school would know

guy I like.

Wait a minute, are you saying...

There was nobody left, so you came to me?

Fine, I'll take it.

Well, you know that a bunch of kids from band have been hanging out after

practice, right?

I do now.

Anyways, there's this guy Scott who plays trombone, and he's funny, and he

blue eyes, and he's really cute.

And does he have an older brother?

Sorry. Some people listen, and some people make jokes.

Anyways.

I like him and I think he likes me too.

But when I drop hints about going to the movies or something, he just cleans his

spit valve.

How can I tell if he likes me too? I can think of like ten ways.

How many can you come up with, Mom?

I have one.

You can ask him out to the movies.

Ask him out?

That is the worst advice I've ever heard.

A girl can't wait around forever for a guy to clean his spit valve.

If you want to know if he likes you, just ask him out.

What if he says no?

Well, then say thank you very much and move on to the woodwind.

Well, I guess it's better than not knowing.

Thanks, Mom.

Yeah.

It's weird.

Kira and I talked about dating.

I'm going to put that in her baby book.

Mom, where?

Right, I'll do that later.

There she is.

Get her, Brock.

Did you tell Kira to ask a boy out on a date?

I know. Can you believe Kira asked Mom for advice about boys?

That's right.

When it comes to giving Kira advice about boys, it goes me, Jake, Van, and

Cheyenne.

What about me?

Don't I make the list?

Oh, you're at the top of another list.

Well, the boy said yes, so thanks to you, she has a date on Friday.

Yes!

I said it worked.

That goes in the book.

Kira has a date because of Mom?

Yeah. This is crazy.

What's next?

Jake's going to give good fashion advice?

Well, he did pick out my shirt today.

I need to lie down.

Well, since you two are already upset, Jake called from Vegas. He married a

showgirl.

Are you finished teasing? Yes.

Mariba, Kira's not allowed to date until she's 18.

18? She's not allowed to date through high school?

It's a good rule.

And it worked wonderfully until you undermined us. Hey, don't blame me. Kira

didn't tell me about it. Well, she's not entirely at fault. We haven't told her

yet.

Oh. So you guys have a bunch of secret rules.

Did you write them down in invisible ink?

She's 14. It hadn't come up yet. And I was ready to ban dating altogether after

what happened to Cheyenne.

Something happened to Cheyenne?

Hey.

I think Kira's mature enough to handle herself. It doesn't matter how mature

Kira is. It's the guy that's the problem. Oh, the guy.

I'm the problem.

Why don't you and the rest of the villagers grab your torches and run me

town?

I'm not talking about you, Van.

I'm talking about teenage boys who have only one thing on their mind. Well, I

got news for you, Mr. H.

I'm a teenage boy, and you know what I got on my mind?

Nothing.

Well, I think you guys are overreacting. There are two 14 -year -olds going to a

movie. Well, meet the boy here.

I'll drop him off and pick him up. It'll be fine.

You should have checked with us before you told Kira she could go out.

I should have checked with you?

I really believe that as parents, we three should present a united front.

Well, that's a good idea, Barb Jean, except you're not Kira's parent.

Well,

for the past three months, I've been parent enough to make her dinner and do

laundry. Wow, three whole months.

Bert, you made her a sandwich.

Raising Kira is my job.

Yeah, and his too.

So, like always, Reba's right and we're wrong. Good. Remember that and we won't

have these arguments.

I hope you know what you're doing, Reba. Come on, Barbara Jean. Fine.

And maybe next time I'll marry somebody whose ex -wife appreciates me.

like pretty boys.

No, it's probably just you're new. No, no, no.

I'm the best looking guy on the team.

Why do boys act like that? Is that what you think?

Is that what you want our daughter to think? That boys are automatically the

guy? He's not automatically the bad guy, man. It's... I mean, come on. They just

are.

I bet Jake had a good reason. Tell her, Jake. I was mad.

That's not good enough. Dig deeper.

Jill Campbell's writing notes about how she loves me and passing them to her

friends. She wouldn't stop.

started it. I bet she didn't even get into trouble, did she?

Girls don't get in trouble, Van.

Girls don't get in trouble, Cheyenne.

It's always the guy.

Jake here is a victim.

A victim of Jill Campbell's love and of a sexist society.

I got you, buddy. I got you.

Well, I never thought of it like that.

Well, me neither, but now that I have, I'm going to do something about it.

Like what?

You're going to write a musical about men's issues?

Ha ha, no.

I'm going to go talk to Jake's teacher.

I make up one song in the shower and you won't let me live it down.

Hey, Mom. Hey.

Do you mind if I get dressed for my date over here?

Things are a little tense at the convent.

I was hoping you would. Hey, I've been working on this all day.

I've come up with five sure -fired interesting topics for you guys to talk

about.

I'll just wait outside.

No!

Come here.

Go on upstairs.

I'll try not to embarrass you.

Is he here yet?

No. Good, because I don't like him.

But I'm going to like him even less when he gets here, so I need to know how to

pace myself.

Relax. This is Kira's first date. We should be excited for her. Well, I'm

excited. Of course, that's because I'm not Kira's parent, so I don't care what

happens to her.

Let the good times roll, I say.

I don't even know why we're meeting this kid. I know exactly what he's going to

say. Hello, sir.

Nice to meet you, sir.

Any 14 -year -old punk that calls me sir is up to no good. Believe me, I know

what sir means. It's a word kids use to trick old people.

Rock, I'm sure when you meet the boy, you'll find that he's just a sweet,

little kid.

Not all creepy like you were.

Kara, your date's here.

How do I look?

Just okay.

Hey, I'm Scott.

Is it cool that I parked my car on the driveway?

You're Scott?

With a car that you drive? 14 -year -olds don't drive.

I know. I'm 17.

And there's no need to worry. I've had my license for over a year, and I've

never gotten a ticket. Your daughter is safe with me, sir.

Oops.

Hey, Scott.

Looks like you met my parents.

So, are you ready to go? No.

And, uh, no need to rush off. I mean... But not as young.

Not as young as you thought.

Why don't you two have a seat?

Your father and I will get you a snack in the kitchen.

Okay.

Scott.

Right here.

Hi.

I'm not. Curious parent.

You kids want a beer?

Barbecue. I'm coming.

Jake. Jake, go in the living room and embarrass your sister.

Five bucks if you can chase the grown man away.

17. He's 17 years old.

Oh, man.

At 17, I was really bad.

That just means you're doing your job. Now get back in there.

What are we going to do?

I don't want Kira dating a 17 -year -old boy, but if we forbid her from dating,

she's just going to sneak around.

Well, this is what happens when we do things your way.

I don't think this is a good time for finger -pointing, Brock. Not when Tom

Jones is sitting in our living room.

Well, if you ask me... Well, I didn't! All right!

You guys can stop pretending to get snacks.

we'll grab something once we're in Mexico.

Oh, very funny, Kira.

Why didn't you tell us how old he is? I'm 14, he's 17. What's the big deal?

Dad's 45 and you're 42.

You're 45?

The date is off.

But Mom said I could go. Yeah, well, now I'm saying you can't. Kira, we can't

allow you to go out with a 17 -year -old all by yourself.

You and Scott can still see each other in groups.

Oh, well, this is great.

All my friends are busy and he's already here. Where am I going to find a group?

Why would I want to see this movie?

It's full of TV actors.

This is the movie they wanted to see. They're the ones on the date.

Well, we could have voted.

There's more of us. Shh.

I can't see where they are. How'd you lose them already?

We didn't lose them.

Besides, we're not like we're going to sit right beside them. I know. In

between.

No, I deserve some privacy.

Where in the heck are they?

There they are in the front row.

Come on, we sit right here and keep an eye on them.

Excuse me.

I hate this.

Whose bright idea was it to have daughters?

Probably Rebus.

She calls all the shots.

No talking in movie theaters.

From now on, whenever you're around me, pretend we're in a movie theater.

Did you see that?

He's doing the stretch and reach. He's going to put his arm around her. It's

just an arm. Just an arm?

Do you even know how babies are born?

Would you please just stay out of this?

Head on shoulder?

We have a head on shoulder situation.

Boy, that was fast.

See what happens when you ignore the arm?

Nothing happens.

He was like a nice enough kid.

I mean, he didn't have any problem with us tagging along.

Besides, they both know we're here, and I don't think they're going to be... Oh,

Lord, did he just swallow her face?

Listen, my daughter's getting kissed right in front of me.

Does anyone else smell burnt toast? I think I'm having a stroke.

I don't care whose daughter she is. Date over.

Barbara Jean, would you stop parenting my child?

If anyone says no kissing, it's going to be me.

I say, no kissing!

You're not Kira.

the seeker of justice.

How'd it go with Jake's teacher?

What? Oh, good.

Good? Like she agreed the girl was just as much to blame as Jake was?

Yeah, pretty much.

She moved her desk to the side of the room and told her to stay away from Jake

at retest.

I liked her, okay?

You blew it!

Well, I'm sorry!

Kenny, I'm sorry.

But you stuck up for what you believed in and you were right.

Yeah, kind of.

What does that mean?

Maybe Jake wasn't the bad guy, but I think I was the bad guy with you.

I mean, your dad was right.

I did have that thing on my mind.

I mean, you were so innocent and unsuspecting.

A little papaya ready to be plucked.

So I plucked.

And now when they talk about the thing that happened to Cheyenne, I'm the

Van, you are not the thing.

And to be honest, I wasn't that innocent.

Could you elaborate on that, please?

I did tons of stuff to make you notice me.

Like walking past your locker in my drill team uniform.

Or pretending that I needed a ride home from school because my mom forgot to

pick me up. I mean, come on, Van. What kind of mom forgets to pick her daughter

up every day for a month?

I just assumed she drank.

So girls really do that kind of stuff?

Is that why Tammy Terenzi did the same thing?

No, she's just a slut.

Thanks for not running away in fear after meeting my psycho parents.

It's fine, don't worry about it. What do you mean, mine?

My dad makes some pickles.

Five minutes means five minutes.

You got... Four more minutes.

So, um... See if it's cool?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I did want you to go.

I just didn't want that other couple to have any fun.

Well, I was against it. But once again, we did it your mom's way.

Well, my way didn't include Barbara Jean putting her two cents in all night

long. Well, if you had listened to my two cents, Kira wouldn't have gone on a

date. Kira going on a date wasn't the problem. You're the problem.

Will you stop?

This is the problem.

The three of you fighting over everything I do.

live with rules, but you three have to agree on what they are.

Otherwise, I'm the one who suffers.

You ruined my first date.

Ruined?

Or made memorable?

I'm sorry.

You're right.

Wasn't fair to you.

From now on, your father and I will discuss all the rules so there'll be no

confusion. And Barbara Jean.

You don't want this to work, do you?

You're doing it again. Okay, fine.

Barbara Jean can participate.

But you two only get one vote.

Why do we only get one? One brain, one vote. That's the law.

Okay.

So I guess the three of us are going to have to figure out some system for

making rules.

Well, I think since you lived with us, Brock and I should make the rules and

then run them by you.

Or I could put the rules in a car and run them over you.

I think the best system would be if I didn't have any rules and I could prove

how responsible I am.

All in favor?

Sorry, I was pulling for you.

Okay, I have a few rules that I would like to discuss.

Barbara Jean, you can vote on the rules. You can't make them.

Well, that's not fair.

You were right.

I should have come to you.

I fixed everything with Jill Campbell. I told her the only reason you threw a

pencil at her was because you liked her. And guess what?

She's waiting for you outside on the porch.

You talked to Jill Campbell? Now, don't expect this every time, okay? The next

babe you get on your own, right?

I don't like Jill Campbell anymore.

I already threw something at Linda Osborne.

Jake, you have a date.

No, Van.

You have a date.