Original subtitles

Okay, Kira, I think you owe me a thank you for driving you home from school and

an apology for introducing me as your driver, Giant Malibu Barbie!

I was embarrassed.

You walked around campus yelling, Is Kira here? Is Kira here?

I just wanted to see how you were doing now that you're in high school.

It can be a really hard adjustment.

I'm fine.

You know, and I want to make sure that you're hanging out with the right kids.

Got it.

You know, people that won't lead you down the wrong path.

Gangs, drinking, betting on dog fights, you know, that sort of thing.

And now I know.

Or pot.

Do any of the kids at your school, do they smoke pot?

Nope, not a one. In fact, we were written up in USA Today.

I'm serious.

Do any of your friends... Why would you even think that?

Well, I don't.

It seemed like you had wonderful friends.

Except maybe for that red -haired kid who was sitting on the bleachers. Yeah,

looked like a donor.

Gary? Yeah, yeah, that's the one.

His eyes, they looked a little whacked out to me.

He's blind.

Look, if the question is whether I'll buy you pot, the answer is no.

You know, what if someone were to offer you some?

What about peer pressure?

Come on, Kira.

Pot is fun.

All the cool kids are doing it. Hey, you want to take a little ride on my magic

carpet? What is going on?

She's working on her sales pitch. We need the money.

We were talking about high school.

about peer pressure and whether any of the people she knows have smoked pot.

And she hasn't said yet.

Oh. Well, what about that, Kira? What, you want me to start asking people

whether they have or not?

Yeah. I think it's important that you know about the people you spend time

Okay. Dad, have you ever smoked pot?

What? Oh, I'm sorry. I believe back then they called it reefer.

Reefer.

Rafer. No, no, of course not.

Don't you want to know about me, Kira?

Yeah, Barbara Jean, what do you want?

I have never done drugs that weren't prescribed by a licensed therapist.

Wonderful. Can I go now? I think I need a drink.

You know, it's true.

If you're honest with your kids, they'll be honest with you.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go apologize to a little blind boy.

With gentle hands and the heart of a fighter, I'm a

survivor.

Yep.

Gotta go.

Hey there.

Guys, when I left, I said empty the dishwasher.

No, I don't keep my poison in the refrigerator.

No, this is it. You keep it right here.

Listen to this.

Dextro mono something something something.

The something something's why I buy it.

It's a chemical compound that has no relationship to any actual food.

Yeah, but it goes great on a bagel.

Coach had a nutritionist talk to the football team, and he explained that

allowing all of these horrible... chemicals into our bodies, all this

to go.

What's the problem with the olives?

Nothing. I just don't like olives.

Okay, put everything back.

You're committing slow suicide, Mom. I have my reasons, darling.

Hey, guys. Can I, uh, get a second with your mom?

Put it all back. And empty the dishwasher.

Nice going, Ben.

So what happened?

Well, Kira asked me if I had, you know, smoked pot, and I told her

I never had.

So what's the problem?

Well, we both know I used to in college.

Yeah, that's right. We both know. And that's all who needs to know.

Yeah, but Reba, I wasn't honest with her.

Brock, there'll come a time when your kids get a little older that you can

them all about your boneheaded past.

I just don't think the time is now.

You know, she gave me this look like she knew I was lying.

Well, if anybody can recognize that look, it's you.

Okay, sorry.

All right, so tell me what you guys told her about drugs.

Oh, basically, that was it.

Then you really didn't have the talk.

It came at me out of the blue. I panicked.

Okay, now we're going to have to talk to her together.

I'll tell her that I never smoked pot either.

Well, that doesn't help me, does it? You didn't.

I know. That's why I'm thinking clearly.

Maybe this is a good idea.

Plus, we could tell her about the people we knew who smoked a lot of pot and all

the problems they had. Oh, like that guy Toast, the one that got busted.

Or you know who's worse? That guy Brain.

He was always high.

Wonder what he's up to now.

Started a software company. He's a billionaire.

went to the gentle earth natural pantry oh man wished i'd known i need some

clorox no mrs h here's what you need completely organic no processed sugar

additive free strawberry produce and we got non -bleached stone ground sesame

crackers to put it on pure natural flavor

The inside dope on dope.

Wow, we thought your food was the problem.

Mrs. H, are you smoking weed?

I'm getting ready for my big talk with Kira, and since I never did drugs, I'm

educating myself.

Oh, if you want to teach her about drugs, you should watch that movie

Say goodbye to little Reba.

You know what's really cool, Cheyenne?

Is that one day we'll be able to look our daughter in the eye, just like your

mom came with Kira, and say the same thing.

Honey, we never did drugs.

That is huge!

Yeah, well, it must be, because you keep on yapping about it.

Nothing. I just don't understand why we're having a conversation about what

we're going to tell our baby daughter when she's like 15.

Honey, we're just talking. What are you getting so angry about? I mean, what if

she did try it once, Van? I mean, would that make her a terrible person? Where

are you?

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

When?

At cheerleading camp. Oh, that's just great, Cheyenne.

think that maybe that's why your pyramid was lopsided?

Are you sure you don't want me to stay for the big

talk, Reba?

Kira knows that I'm an example of a drug -free life.

Then you really should go.

But remember, if she says Mary Jane, That's code for marijuana.

Okay. And if I say tangerine, that's code for get out.

Tangerine.

Do I seem calm?

I seem calm, right? You seem calm.

You know, it's important to talk to your kids about this stuff.

People think it's so simple. I mean, like those stupid rubber mats that they

in the bottom of urinals that say don't do drugs. I mean...

If you're getting your advice from the bottom of a urinal, hey, maybe drugs

aren't such a bad way to go.

I'm just going to tell her the truth, Reba. No, you're not.

Remember, this is about me talking and you nodding.

Look who I ran into.

I got your message. What's up? Just a little rap session.

A rap session?

Are you sure we're in the right decade for that?

It wouldn't be any big deal, but your father told me what you guys talked

and we just want to follow up on that.

I like when all three of you stare at me like that.

It's comforting.

Carol, we understand that drugs exist and that some kids might be doing them.

And to those kids, it might seem like harmless fun, but it can get serious

fast.

See, your dad and I had this friend who, well, he thought it would be harmless

fun, too.

He wound up in jail.

Whoa. Big time.

Whoa.

Drugs are bad, man.

They're a bad scene.

Anyway, I just want you to know that you can always come talk to me. And you'll

be honest?

Absolutely.

Okay, then.

Well, I know Dad never smoked pot.

But did you, Mom?

No. And there were times... I did. I did do it, okay? Okay? I did it. I smoked

pot.

I said, Kira, this isn't going to be any big deal.

You smoked pot?

Were you high when you married me?

A lot of people ask that.

This is not about you. This is about Kira.

The mistakes we made are our mistakes. You have your whole life

ahead of you.

Well, actually, there are a couple things that I've been wondering about,

didn't want to be one of those nerds who has to read pamphlets.

You feel like taking a walk?

Sure, let's go down and get some ice cream. Yeah.

Well, would it be cool if I just went with Dad?

Oh, sure, that's cool.

I'll talk to you guys later.

Okay.

Sage, I need your advice.

Just shave right there to look like two brows.

I have this friend, who you may or may not know, who may or may not be real.

And I found out that this person has done drugs.

You know? What did Brock do? Wear a t -shirt that said, I smoked pot?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

smokes pot?

Well, that sure explains a whole lot. Oh, man.

The oak tree doesn't grow far from the place where the acorn fell from it

it started to grow.

Van, are you high right now?

It came up when we were giving our talk to Kira. Well, how'd she react?

Well, the wrong way.

Suddenly she wants to do all of her serious talking with Brock.

Well, I bet he's got some really good stories. Well, I've got...

And they don't all start with, dude, check it out.

I mean, just because you never smoke pot doesn't mean you're not cool.

Hello, my weed -free friend.

Or maybe it does.

Ben, could you please excuse us?

Reba and I need to discuss something personal that is not for children's

It's about my husband and his friend.

Mary Jane?

You know that's code for pot.

Okay, Mr. Smarty Pants, you know what tangerine means?

Get out!

See, you're not the only one that gets on my nerves.

And he already knows about Old Smokey.

Makes you think, huh?

If Mr. H hadn't fried his brain, he probably would have been a real doctor

instead of a dentist.

I've got to figure out something to do because Carol won't talk to me because I

never smoke pot.

Why? What?

Yeah, tell her that you said you never did it, but you actually did.

You could tell her that you did it at cheerleading camp or something.

I can't lie to her about this.

Can I?

Well, if it keeps in the loop, why not?

Well, if you don't want to lie, you can smoke pot now.

I'm sure Brock's got a little wacky tobacco stash in his golf bag.

I gotta go.

These

are

really good for you, aren't they?

You bet they are.

Oh, you do realize they're stone ground, right? Not stoner ground?

About that.

This is so weird. Today, I was looking through my diary, and I found some stuff

that I wrote when I was at cheerleading camp.

Look.

July 10th. Didn't smoke pot.

Disappointed in the girls that did.

Yeah, see, some of the girls were smoking, but most of us weren't.

And I guess I got confused and I thought I was one of the ones that did. But as

you can see, I was one of the ones that didn't.

Oh, well, that's weird.

According to my driver's license, I wasn't born yesterday.

You can't stop lying.

You've got liar.

Because of Elizabeth, Cheyenne.

Us not doing drugs was the one thing I was hoping would make up for us getting

pregnant before we were married. Hey, Mom and Dad, if I'm 16, how come you've

only been married for 15 years? And we'd say, the important thing is, honey, we

never smoked pot.

Well, I guess we can't say that now, can we, Puffy?

But we could buy.

Oh, yeah, that's brilliant, Cheyenne. If we're going to lie about that, why

don't we just lie about when we got married?

I like it.

Hey, Carrie, you got a minute?

There's something I need to talk to you about.

Mom, we've had the sex talk four times. Unless something's changed, I get it.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Funny.

No, the thing is, you know the other night when I told you that I'd never

pot?

Well, that wasn't exactly the whole story.

The truth is...

This isn't exactly really easy for me to say, but... I never smoked pot.

I know, Mom.

Look, I'd love to talk more, but I'm eating a private plane from Columbia.

Here, uh... How many times have you smoked pot?

Counting church.

How many times?

Never. I've never done it. Me either.

We've got something in common, huh?

How many times you been offered a smoke pot?

Twice. Twice?

I've probably been offered over 200 times.

200 times? Well, you don't live with a guy named Toast without being offered

bong a lot.

Jack's nickname was Toast? No!

Oh, no, no. Another guy that lived in the house.

But the point is, even being offered it all those times, I never did it.

So let me ask you this.

Are you planning on smoking pot?

It's not really the kind of thing you plan.

You're right. It's not.

That's why you might want to know what it was like for me to turn it down all

those times.

Or what people said to try to get me to do it.

Or if I feel like I've missed out on something. Don't you think what I went

through has value?

I never thought of it that way. Me neither. I just pulled that one out of

hat.

I can take from my life to make your life safer, that has value to me.

Hey, kiddo. Sorry I'm late.

Hi, Reba. Hey. So, you want to go get that smoothie?

Um, actually, Dad, I wanted to go talk to Mom first. Can we get a smoothie

later?

Yeah, yeah, sure. When you get back.

Okay. Bye.

Have fun.

Hey, honey.

Hey.

So, um, you know that whole pot smoking thing, you know, that's all in your

past, right?

Yes, Barbara Jean, I did it in college.

Good.

Then you won't mind giving me a little sample, cowboy.

And we'll be doing these little tests once a month.