Original subtitles

Hey, Jake.

How was the miniature golf tournament?

It was tea -rific, Reba.

Dad missed a shot and smashed the clown head with his putter.

Hey, I got a hole -in -one on the windmill. Nobody mentions that.

So where's Kara?

I mean, I hadn't seen her in three days.

You still got her, don't you?

Well, we asked her to go, but I guess she didn't feel like it.

I'm learning that when she goes like this with her face...

It means no.

You know, Kira used to love miniature golf.

She also used to love her little mermaid feety pajamas.

But people grew out of that stuff.

Not always.

Unpleasant.

Hey, remember how I used to say it was neat to watch Kira becoming so spirited?

I was wrong.

And it's not so much spirited as it's... Henri? No.

Henri and downright mean?

Can I put my two cents in?

You see, in preparation for Kira moving into our house, I have been reading a

lot of articles about child rearing. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're going to raise a teenager by reading articles?

Let me know how that goes.

And I've learned that the key... thing teens need in their lives is structure.

And by structure, I mean rule.

I think you'll be impressed when you see the change in our little curious

attitude when she finally realizes she's not the boss.

Sounds to me like you better start looking for your third wife.

The planet in the past, though my life is changing fast, who I am is who I want

to be.

A single mom who works too hard, who loves her kids and never stops with

hands.

time this week.

You really miss her, don't you?

Hey, you know what?

I could go slam a door or stomp up the stairs or something.

Oh, no, no, no. I know. I hate everyone and everything!

You got the words, honey, but you ain't got the music.

Hey, how was Woodstock?

I didn't get any sleep last night.

My head feels like one of those snow globe things that you shake.

Instead of snowflake, it's filled with not sleeping flakes.

So what kept you up? Working on your metaphors?

I don't know what could have kept me up.

Could have been the stress from starting classes this week.

Or it could have been Cheyenne snoring.

That's snore. You practically suck the drapes off the window.

Mom, tell him I don't snore.

Well, at least you don't make that... All right, well, you know, if

it's so bad, why don't you just go sleep in Kira's old room?

Or I could sleep in our room, and you could sleep down by the wharf and guide

ships through the fog.

She snored in the womb.

I didn't sleep for nine months.

This is getting bad, Mrs. H.

I'm telling you, don't be surprised if this sleep deprivation thing starts to

make me act.

I don't know.

A little goofy.

to cry and get all mushy just because I came over, are you?

Oh, of course not!

I missed you too, Mom.

You did?

Well, come, sit down, sit down.

Tell me everything.

Start from the minute you started missing me.

Mom. Okay, start anywhere you want.

Well, uh, I'm thinking about joining choir.

Choir? Okay, well, tell me about choir.

Why choir?

Well, they're sort of a boy.

A boy?

Oh, my gosh.

You have just shared an intimate detail in your life.

Now I'm starting to regret it.

Oh, no, no, I'm sorry.

It's just great to get to talk to you. Look at us. We're sitting here happy,

talking.

You know, you moving over there with your dad might not be such a bad thing

after all.

Maybe all the kids ought to move over there with him.

Hi, Reba. Hey.

Hey there, Snooki.

I think somebody...

forgot their sweater.

Okay, again, the nookie thing? Uh -huh.

Please stop that.

And I didn't forget my sweater. I told you I don't need one.

What's the rule, Kira?

When it's under 60 Fahrenheit, a sweater will be wearin' tats.

I have to get to school.

Can I talk to you later, Mom?

Sure. Call me. I'm in the book.

Undertale you for a talk, talk, talk.

I also need to check your homework.

No, you don't need to check my homework. And you don't have to chase me down the

street with sweaters and hats. I'm 14. Can I just handle my own life? Of

Thank you.

Bye. Bye.

I encourage her to speak frankly with me.

Looks like it's working.

supposed to extract Tara Peterson's upper sixes and her lower fours only

puts the x -ray on the screen upside down so it looks like I'm supposed to

extract her upper fours and her lower sixes I know for a fact she doesn't have

any upper fours because I extracted them last spring so I'm like whoa

that's a true story

music ever since she came home late without calling to say she'd be late,

asked her why she didn't call.

Yeah, but I thought that was a nighttime rule.

Oh. Still, we should only set limits for Kira at night.

Wake up, Brock.

Juvie Hall is full of kids that went bad in the daylight.

Barbara Jean, honey, do we have to get into it with Kira every night?

You know, I'm starting to feel like you're not with me on this rules thing.

Honey, I know discipline isn't easy, but she needs it.

And I have a great new system I got from an article I was reading.

Hey, another article.

Ta -da!

Is that a doghouse?

Yes, and four little dogs. Brock, Barbara, Gene, Henry, and Kira. From now

on, when someone breaks the rule, like not calling when they're going to be

late, their little dog goes in the doghouse.

Has Kira seen this yet? No, I just put it up. Take it down.

What? I love you, Barbara Jean. I don't want to lose you. Take it down.

She's coming.

Take it down.

Take it down. Take it down.

Hey,

sweetie. Hey.

Oh, whoop.

We don't have any drink.

Who wants milk? Oh, no, no.

No beverages with dinner.

What was that?

New rule.

I was reading this article by this doctor.

Well, not a doctor doctor.

He's the kind of doctor where you don't have to go to school.

And he said that it's better for your digestion if you drink your beverages

after your meal.

Let's see.

Congratulations for the rule.

Thank you, Kira.

Yeah, I didn't think it was possible to come up with a dumber one than slice the

bananas lengthwise, but you did it.

New rule.

No saying dumb at the table.

New rule. No being dumb at the table.

Everybody,

let's just relax.

really have to put up with these rules?

Well... Your father and I are in agreement on all the rules, Kira.

Fine. I'm going to the mall with Mom tonight. I'll just get something there.

Thanks for the backup, France!

No drinks at dinner? No drinks at dinner?

You served hot wings and crackers!

Just put a salt lick on the table.

Oh, I'm sorry. Next time, I'll just run the menu by Kira. She seems to be

running the house.

This house? Yeah. The big house? Yeah. Or do you mean the dog house?

New rule.

You're sleeping on the couch.

New rule.

I didn't mean it.

This is Boopy Woo Woo.

Hey, homeowners.

Hey, Reba.

Karen and I are going to the music store.

She asked me.

On the phone.

That's right.

She calls me.

Because I'm her buddy.

Can't believe I'm going to say this, but I really like this arrangement.

How's it working out for y 'all?

Mr. Whoopie Boo Boo?

This just keeps getting better.

Well, Kira must be making their lives miserable.

I know.

I mean, I know.

You both look lovely and well -rested, or is that just me?

Boy, you're in a good mood. Oh, yeah, I slept in Keir's old room last night.

I feel like Van Van Winkle.

Yeah, well, I had a lousy night.

Apparently, I can't sleep without someone screaming, fumble, five times a

Why would I be dreaming about football when I sleep with a wood chipper?

Okay, Reba, we need to ask you for a huge favor.

Hey, anything for the boopy woo -woos.

It's about Kira.

What about her? We want you to order her to listen to us.

Why would you need me to do that? You're her father.

Yeah, but when I lived here, all I ever had to say was, listen to your mother.

Well, that doesn't work unless you tell her something first.

Come on, Reba. You've got to help us. We have to live with her every day.

You don't understand what it's like?

No, no, I understand perfectly.

See, for the last few months, I thought Kira hated my gun.

But then I realized she don't hate me. She hates the person telling her what to

do. Yeah, we get that.

Well, get this.

I don't have to be that person anymore.

I get to be the person who stands here and says, ha -ha.

So you're not going to help us. Nope. Nope. I like my new relationship with

Karen. I'm not going to do anything to ruin it.

But I will tell you this.

Ha ha.

Adamson Tuesday regarding the merger?

What were you doing?

You were taping me snoring. Aha!

So you admit you snore. Oh, yeah, I snore like you have a merger, liar.

Hey!

I'm trying to do my homework.

It's addition, okay? It's not easy.

What's the matter? Why are you guys fighting so much?

Because she snores.

You mean that crazy thing about not touching wood?

She said that after Grandpa died, she never slept good because she missed the

sound of his snoring.

Yeah, I do remember her saying that.

She is pretty smart for a woman who kept Kleenex in her sleeve.

I'm sorry I snored. No, no, please. I love your snoring. And don't die. Don't

die. Oh, I love you too, man.

And then when we're sleeping tonight, together, I'm going to get a tape of you

actually snoring because it is the most beautiful sound in the world to me.

Okay? And then if you do ever die, I can still get a good night's sleep.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. I was just, uh... Fighting crime?

Oh.

No, um... Centering. You know, breathing in the calm.

Breathing out the conflict.

Your conflict could use a tic -tac.

Well, I'm here for Kira. We're going to the art museum.

Oh, she's not home yet.

But she's not late.

You can't be late in the daytime.

Only at night.

I think that's a fair rule.

Right? Your house, your rules.

Correcto.

I don't speak Spanish, but yes, you have to have rules.

You know, even if you get that face.

Every time you try to tell them one, you know, you still got to try, you

know.

Are you all right?

How did you handle that kid?

You got to tell me. All right.

Listen to me.

Kira is not a kid. She's a teenager.

Do you know what a teenager is?

A demon.

A bully.

What I mean is, if they know you're scared, you're dead.

But I am scared.

Of course you're scared. You're dealing with a demon.

What it comes down to is this.

You gotta pick your battles.

What? The parent with the most rules, they don't win.

You just keep them safe.

Teach them respect. And only when you're forced to, bring the hammer down.

Well, that's it. That's it.

You owe me 50 bucks.

Oh, hey, Mom.

Sorry I'm late. Oh, you're not late. The sun's out.

I'm meeting with my choir director.

I want to hear all about it. And I want to hear about you -know -who.

Kara,

before you go, could you bring your backpack up to your room?

Can I do it later?

Well, that's not the rule.

Hey, you know what's on TV tonight?

Oh, it's that new reality show called Pick Your Battles.

A lot like Survivor.

Okay. Sure, Kara, you can do it later.

brought the hammer down.

What? Oh, Kira, maybe we should go.

No, hang on, Mom.

What are you trying to do, Barbara Jean?

Are you just showing off with all this rule stuff?

Well, you know what? I've had enough.

You were totally clueless.

Kira, you cannot talk to her like that.

I'm sick of all these stupid rules, okay?

Well, I don't care if you make fun of some half -baked rule, but you will show

some respect to your stepmother.

is this? You're taking her side? No, I'm taking your side by not allowing you to

be disrespectful.

Now, apologize.

Apologize? No way. You were rude, so apologize.

My rule, do it.

No. Then you get your butt upstairs, young lady, because you're grounded.

You can't ground me here. Only Barbara Jean can.

And she won't.

Grounded.

I'm sorry, what's that?

gonna happen mom ground her

We can go to the museum some other day.

No, I don't think we will, Mom, because I like to go to museums with my friends.

Grounded!

And there's plenty more where that came from, young lady.

Oh, Reba, we did it!

Oh, Reba, I'm sorry you had to do that.

Looks like you ruined your new relationship with Kira.

Yes. That's okay.

I don't need a new relationship with her.

Being her buddy was fun. It was easy.

Do you know what?

Fighting with Carrie right then, that's the first time I felt like her mother

since she moved out.

I want to be you so bad.

Everybody does.