Original subtitles

I can't believe it.

Is my little girl actually reading a college catalog?

Knowing her, she's probably just looking at the pictures.

I am not your little dweeb.

Hey, Mom, check out the men's swimming team.

Now, now, Mrs. Owens, remember you're already married to a strapping hunk of a

man.

I just wanted to announce I'm taking a shower. Oh, why? Did the neighbors

complain again?

No, wise guy.

It's just that with our plumbing, if anyone in Beaver Falls uses water at the

same time, I get scalded redder than a lobster.

Oh, how dreadful.

Well, I must do the laundry.

Don't worry, George. I was just kidding.

You don't have to worry about being scalded.

The water heater broke again.

Oh, no. When did that happen? Right after the septic tank backed up.

This place is getting to be more trouble than it's worth.

Hey, Dad, why don't we buy a new house?

You mean move?

She may be right.

I mean, Kevin's gone. Heather will be going off to college soon. We don't

need all this space.

What do you think, Dolphina?

How would you feel about us moving?

Fine. If I can stay here.

to the door.

No one's glad, but sometimes things get turned around and no one's bad.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the bed and fall.

Gonna need all the help they can get.

According to our new arrival, life is more than mere survival.

We just might live a good life, yeah.

You won't believe it. We found the perfect house for the Owens family. Let

guess.

It's in Amityville and the walls ooze with blood.

Brand new sunken living room, skylights, cathedral ceilings. Yeah, there's even

a special place for you, big guy.

A guest room out back.

No, a walk -in pantry.

Now all we have to do is sell this place. I guess we better start lining up

realtor. Well, who needs a realtor? You're a lawyer. You can handle the

paperwork. You know, you're right. We can sell this place ourselves. What

possibly go wrong?

I love it when they say things like that around here.

Heaven, this is such a perfect evening.

Romantic music, flickering candles.

Yeah, and best of all, it's just the two of us.

Alone.

Shannon! Shannon!

Who is that?

My neighbor.

Oh, and don't be surprised if she's dressed like Barbara Eden.

Who's after me?

Who's after you?

Excuse us. Now, come along.

Hey, wait a minute. What's going on? Who is it?

My son, the kidnapper.

What?

I'm sorry about this. I'm Paul Cicchini. This is my wife, Madge. Oh, hi, I'm

Kevin Owens.

And this is my friend, Monique. Hi, Andy. We just came in from New York.

to put me away.

No, Mother, we've talked about this.

We simply feel it's time for Mother to be put in a home.

A home?

Just like that?

Well, no, it's not exactly just like that.

She's going to be 90 next week.

Oh, really? Happy birthday.

Ah, shut up.

Mother! It's a lovely retirement community right here in town with lots

activities.

Golfing, swimming, hiking.

Why don't you take a hike?

Kevin Hill.

Oh, look, are you sure about this home thing?

Well, it's just that we feel that mothers should be looked after in a more

supervised surrounding.

Well, you could try it, Miss Chikini. Who knows, you might even like it.

We're sorry to intrude on your evening. Say goodbye to Kevin, Mother.

Goodbye, Trader.

Goodbye, Miss Chikini.

I'll come visit you.

So, where were we?

Is it ever going to stop raining?

Perhaps you should consider buying an ark.

Hey, we've been sitting here three hours and not even one looky, Lou. He said it

was going to be a piece of cake.

Speaking of cake, when are we going to eat? No eating. I don't want any crumbs

in this house.

Hear that, Heather? Many of your boyfriends can come over.

Yeah, well, if you're here, the house won't pass pets inspection.

Knock it off.

Oh, my gosh. I can't believe it.

Someone's actually coming up the walk.

Battle station.

Everyone act normal.

Well, this is the first time for everything.

Welcome to our lovely home. We hope you find it warm and cozy.

Sure, why wouldn't I?

It's only you.

Nice to see you too.

Was it something I said?

What brings you back, Kevin?

Mr. Keeney.

Or she busted her belly down.

The sun came and dragged her into some retirement home.

I tried calling her. She won't even come to the phone.

Well, she's probably entertaining in the jacuzzi.

I'm a little worried about her, Mr. Belvedere.

Come on, come on. Let's go cheer her up in the rest home. Good idea, Kevin.

And if I'm lucky, they can put me up for the weekend.

Teeny, how do you like your new home?

It sucks gopher guts.

What's wrong with it?

Everyone's old.

A retirement home with old people?

What's the world coming to?

We bought you some tea.

Look, I have your favorite candy, a sugar daddy.

I don't want it.

Well, there's something I know you'll like. The swimsuit edition of Beefcake

Magazine. Yes, Thompson Trump.

No, thanks.

Mr. Belvedere, I've never seen her so down.

This is worse than I thought.

Well, there's always one thing that perks her up.

What's that?

I regret that I have only one push to give for Mrs. Tequila.

Why, Mr.

Belvedere, you dropped your candy.

Oh, so I did.

I shall have to bend over to pick it up.

I'm bending over.

Aren't you going to pinch my bottom, Mr. Keating?

Weirdo.

at a midnight pizza, he's fired.

Hi, we're the Pinkies, Blair, Rose.

We're here to see the house.

Now, you want to see the house now?

Hey, babe, we're night people.

So what about tomorrow?

We're going to Atlantic City tomorrow.

We're going to catch Mervick Resort.

Hey, hey.

Anyway, your sign says open house. If it's not open, I call that false

advertising.

Oh, see, George is wrong for up. We might as well show them around.

Well, what could it hurt?

Well, shall we start?

This is the living room.

No, I thought it was the garage.

He killed me.

There you go, George.

I say we kill them both.

Now, this room features wainscoting on the walls and a gabled alcove.

What's going on?

Who is this?

We really winky?

That's our housekeeper.

He's extra.

What are these strangers doing in my room?

We're showing the house to Blair and Rose.

They're night people.

I don't care if they're vampires.

Get them out of here.

I think Spud here got up on the wrong side of the bed.

Okay,

big guy. We're gone.

You got a picture of the queen?

Uh -huh.

She could lose her face.

Wasn't the movie romantic, Kevin?

It sure was.

I mean, the way that French soldier got up from the trenches and ran all the way

back to Paris just to be with the woman he loved.

Well, I'd do the same thing for you.

You would?

Well, sure.

I'd much rather be with you than stuck in a hole choking on poison gas.

Oh, Ben, you're such a romantic.

Oh, no, not again.

Are your lips secretly connected to that doorbell?

Don't worry. I'll get rid of whoever it is.

Mr. Candy, what are you doing here?

I busted out.

So, hurry up. I want to go to bed.

Well, Kevin, when you get a free minute, give me a call.

Goodbye, Mrs. Cicchini. I'm sure you two will be very happy together.

No, no.

Tramp.

Look, Mrs. Cicchini, I know you didn't exactly like the home, but you can't

go busting out.

And you can't even think about moving in here with me.

Fine. Then I'll go live on the street and collect pennies in a tin tub.

All right.

Look, you can spend the night.

But only one night.

That's what we all say.

How is the open house going, Mrs. Owens?

Gangbusters. We have twice as many people as we had yesterday.

That makes four.

By the way, can we have some more of that banana bread?

Oh, must I start baking again?

Okay, I'll bake the banana bread.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. We want to sell this house, not have it condemned.

Let's try a shortcut.

Mr. Belvedere, you have to help me.

Mr. Keeney just skipped out of the retirement home.

And no one knows where she is?

Where? She's living in my place. Oh.

It's a nightmare. She's got doilies everywhere and little flowers.

And she's picking out new drapes.

Good. You could use them.

Does her son know what's going on?

Well, no. I didn't want to call him until I talked to you.

What do you want me to do?

Well, she won't listen to reason.

I thought maybe she'd listen to you.

Thanks for the compliment.

Well, don't just stand there. Let her son know what's going on.

After you've done that, turn over the banana.

Cabin?

No, it's me.

Oh, yummy.

Hello, Lynn.

This is Chikini. You listen to me.

You've been making a lot of folks very worried about you.

You know your son only has your best interests at heart.

You're going to have to deal with this.

Have you nothing to say?

You have cute new eyes.

What do you mean about your son?

He's an old fool.

What if he should report you missing?

Let's make out.

That was a glimpse of my luxury car. Country charmer. If you have any other

questions, please feel free to call. We'd love to hear from you and your

charming wife.

What a couple of geeks.

You know, it's funny. When I showed them my room, it was like I was seeing it

for the first time.

That's because you picked up all your junk off the floor and you were seeing

for the first time.

No, I mean, I really began to appreciate how warm and friendly my room really

is. Hey, I'm going to miss my room, too.

Especially my view of Tiki Huffnagle's shower.

You know, maybe this house isn't so bad after all.

Hi. We're Phil and Annie Paxton. We were driving by and we were knocked out by

your exterior.

You don't see much genuine Pennsylvania field stone.

Your house has fabulous curb appeal.

Our dog thinks so.

Mind if we look around?

Oh, no, of course not.

Here's the setup.

Annie, isn't this a magnificent living room?

What a great fireplace.

Isn't that a charming little alcove?

Oh, yeah, it is nice, isn't it? That's where I keep my books. When I was

studying to be a lawyer, I spent a lot of time back there.

You know, I think that would be the perfect place for the jogging treadmill.

Idea, idea, it's a...

Perfect size for the wine and brie bar. Uh -huh.

We'll look around on our own, if you don't mind.

I really think they like it here.

And they even look like they can afford it.

Yeah, I guess they do.

Mrs. Shaquini, there are better ways to deal with your problems than to run

away.

You're right.

Let's run away together.

How's it going? No, not.

Uh, Mr. Keeney, there's a couple people here who want to talk to you.

Mother, we came as soon as we heard.

Thank God this young man was nice enough to call and let us know where you were.

Blabbermouth.

We were worried sick about you.

Who's this?

Lynn Belvedere, my fiancée.

Hey, congratulations, big guy.

Kevin, don't be a twit. We're not engaged.

We're just shopping out.

Okay, Mother, that's it. Now come along. You've just got to come with us now.

No. Do you mind if I say something?

No. With all due respect, I can picture your mother in a chorus line

sooner than I could at home.

What?

She may be 90, but she's bright and spry.

And has the libido of a 20 -year -old.

Yeah, she's always pinching Mr. Belvedere's butt.

I only hope I have half her energy when I'm her age. But she's living alone, and

she told us there are muggers in the neighborhood.

What about the danger?

I'll go easy on them.

Look, I'll keep an eye on her, I promise. I'll walk her to the store,

out the trash.

And from time to time, I'll stop by and drop something.

That would be fun.

And if there comes a time when she does need a little more care, we'll let you

know.

I'm sorry, Mom.

I guess these folks know you better than your own son does.

That's okay.

Maybe because we live so far away and don't see you too much, we've been

a little guilty.

That's all right, too.

The owner rented out your place. You got any idea where you want to stay?

Uh -oh.

This is our favorite part of the house.

And if you're anything like us, you'll probably be spending a lot of time out

here. You know, you're right.

Perfect place for the hot tub. We'll have to get rid of that old tree.

No problem. We'll have to tear it out. In fact, we'd have to tear out this

patio.

You'd tear out the patio?

You know, I think we'd like to make an offer. Give us a minute, okay?

I don't want a hot tub out here.

George, I don't think that's going to be our decision.

Hey, Mom, those people have a calculator out. I think they want to buy the

house. Looks like it.

And they want to rip out the tree.

Not our tree. We planted it together.

Yeah, we watched it grow from a tiny sapling into something so big it

nuts.

Just like your parents.

And they want to tear up the patio.

Oh, Lord, not the patio.

I'm sorry.

It's just when I think of all your moronic problems that I've solved out

get misty -eyed.

Don't you think of it? The new house doesn't even have a patio.

Where would we go to confess to Mr. Belvedere?

Maybe we could reserve a booth at Donut World.

You know what I think?

A house without a patio is like a beer without a belch.

So few people quote Emily Dickinson.

Okay, uh, we've talked it over.

We'd like to make an offer.

$160 ,000.

Nah.

$162 ,000?

Nah.

$170 ,000?

Nah.

Why don't you guess, you owns? What's your bottom line?

My bottom line is, we've learned this is our home, and we don't want to give it

up.

Gosh, I'm disappointed.

I don't know what to say.

Honey.

Well, it's still time for Kenneth.

Ciao.

Well, Dad, I guess now you're going to have to fix the plumbing, and the water

heater, and the septic tank.

Well, we'll manage.

Just like we always do.

That's scary.

Gee, I forgot how broken down the house is.

This house isn't broken down.

It's broken in.

Yeah.

Kind of like Mr. Belvedere.

They found a home they love.

It's the one they already have.

And Mrs. Cicchini found a new apartment in her building and will move in as soon

as they install her waterbed.

In the meantime, Kevin has placed her in a temporary residence.

Hello, man.

What a place to sit, Walter.

Tomorrow at 6 on Mr. Belvedere, Mr. Belvedere is surprised.