Original subtitles

Pack mine's full.

Heather, we're going camping to get away from it all, and you're taking it all

with us.

Well, I need all this stuff.

All you need is a pair of shorts, a pair of jeans, and a mask so you don't scare

the bears.

Oh.

Haven't you gone yet?

You sure you don't want to come camping with us, Mr. Belvedere? You'd enjoy the

peace and quiet.

That's why I'm staying here.

Hey, guys. You all set to leave?

Let me guess. Your mom isn't ready.

Close. She's not even here.

What? She's working on some adoption case.

Well, I hope she finds you a very nice home.

Very funny.

Well, the car's all packed.

I brought along my harmonica so we could sing songs around the campfire.

I'd better make room for my headphones.

Hey, Kev, I'm glad you could break away from your studies and come with us.

Hey, Dad, I love spending time with my family.

Besides, they're fumigating my apartment, and if I stayed there, I'd

Hey, Marsh, throw that in the knapsack and let's... Is that a baby?

No, George, the dog went bald.

Marsh, what's that baby doing here?

Uh, looks like two to three days.

Down to China, never matters at all.

Who'd care when you dropped your jacket as you came through the door?

No one's glad, but sometimes things get turned around and no one's spared.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that we can get.

According to our...

Life is more than mere survival.

But you might live the good life, yes.

Hey, Marsh, what's going on?

Well, the Tiemanns who were supposed to adopt this baby found out this afternoon

that she's pregnant. And by the time they let me know that they didn't want

go through with the adoption, I already had temporary legal custody.

How temporary.

Look, it's 7 o 'clock on Friday night. The adoption agency is closed, so it

looks like we've got a house guest for the weekend.

Isn't he adorable?

Hey, let's name him. He already has a name. Everybody, this is Nelson.

Nice to meet you, Nelson.

You look the outdoors type to me.

So, step lively, everyone. You have a camping trip to go on.

Come on, Belvedere, we can't drive a baby like this all the way to the

National Forest.

Why not? You drove me to the brink of insanity.

Hey,

Marsh, it's three o 'clock.

I know, honey, but unfortunately Nelson hasn't learned how to tell time yet.

Well, I'll walk him for a while. No, that's okay. You need your sleep.

You've got a golf game in a couple of hours.

Who's worried about a golf game? I've got my own little personal water hazard

right here.

You must have had gas.

That was me, Marsh.

So, Nelson, did I ever tell you about the time Manny Sanguine was catching

Toccovi?

Why doesn't anyone ever want to hear that story?

motel.

Sorry,

this couch is taken.

Oh, yeah? Well, now it's a duplex. Shove over.

I gotta find someplace to sleep where I can't hear the baby crying.

Try California.

All right. Night, sis.

is nine -tenths of the law.

Yeah, well, if you don't get up, I'm gonna bust nine -tenths of your head.

I'll still be smarter than you.

Hey, pipe down.

We finally got the baby back to sleep. Jeez!

This is safe to go upstairs.

What's up, Mr. Belvedere? What's up?

My, you look chipper.

Well, I got all caught up in sleep last night.

I found a house to share.

Why didn't you tell us?

Hey, I was lucky the dog let me in.

Wesley, you haven't eaten a thing. Where are you going?

To school to get some sleep.

Listen, they're done fumigating my apartment. Heather, you want to ride to

school? As long as they fumigated your car, too.

Mrs. Owens, some breakfast?

I have to get to the office. I have a lot of calls to make if I'm going to

a home for this precious little guy. Good luck.

Same to you.

You're leaving him with me?

Uh, yeah, just for a few hours. Now, if he whimpers, he's wet. If he screams,

he's hungry. And if he gurgles, he wants a little kissy -wissy.

Do you remember all that?

Mrs. Owens, I'll have you know, I raised four members of the royal family.

I'm sure I can manage a little.

for a few hours.

My dear child, I have fed you, walked you, endured your impression of

Mount St. Helens for six hours now.

I have even given you a kissy -wissy.

What can I possibly do to make you go to sleep?

Hi, Mr. Belvedere.

Oh, is he a little wet?

How can you tell?

Ah, there, that's better. Did you miss me?

I don't know about him, but I did.

Did you have any luck finding him a home?

Actually, I did find a couple that want him.

I'll break out the champagne.

Silly man.

Babies don't drink champagne, do they? They make their own bubbles.

after midnight.

Oh, well, um, I had a few things on my mind and the baby was a little fussy.

Yeah, he looks fine to me.

Well, he was having trouble sleeping.

Well, if you're jiggling me like that, I would too.

I guess I'm just worried about his future.

Hey, you'll find him a good home.

Boy, something really important must be up. Yeah, Mom hasn't called an official

family meeting since the time Wesley took out a second mortgage on the house.

Oh, good. You're all here.

Yeah, World Federation Wrestling is on, so make it fast.

Well, what would you all say if I told you that we were going to have another

person living here?

Is it a prisoner exchange program?

No, I'm talking about a baby.

You're going to have a baby? Way to go, Dad.

I'm talking about adopting Nelson.

Sure, you're kidding.

Come on, Marsh, you know how you get around babies. How? Not.

I can't help it. Every time I look at his little face, I see Kevin and Heather

and Wesley.

And you want another one?

Look, Mom, our baby's going to take a lot of your time. What about your job?

Well, that's why Mr. Belvedere is here.

No, that is why Mr.

Belvedere is leaving.

That does it for me. The kids stay.

Mr. Belvedere doesn't have to do anything for the baby he doesn't want to

can do most of my work at home and take care of Nelson at the same time.

Well, don't I get a say in this?

Of course you do.

If you want to deny me the one and only thing I have ever asked for, just say

the word.

Are you all ready for breakfast? There's a good boy.

a mistake?

Well, sure.

You didn't fool me for a

second.

Hi, Dad. Morning. Where's Mom?

Well, she was up all night with the baby and it's Belvedere's day off and he was

out of here right after midnight.

meal nice and hot dad how much oatmeal did you make a box go ahead dig in

I'll buy you a breakfast burrito. You're on.

Hey, aren't you going to finish your oatmeal?

Hang on to it, Dad.

We can use it to patch the driveway.

Thanks for letting me sleep in, George.

Hey, no sweat.

So, how's the colic kid?

Oh, he's catching a nap. Keeping me on my feet all night really wore him out.

Are you going to take it easy today? I can't. I have to finish writing three

briefs, make a long -distance conference call, and help a client reorganize her

estate.

Don't forget to mow the lawn.

See you. Bye.

Well,

it's nap time.

I sure wish I could join you.

Coughlin, please. Marsha Owens returning his call.

Hi, Bill. Can I put you on the squawk box?

Good.

Marsha, I've been going over the contracts, and I had a couple of

Okay, go ahead. I'm with you.

First of all, Fields v.

Westmoreland County is an excellent precedent site.

Well, failing a motion to dismiss, I think we need a precedent.

Oh,

did you make a pee -pee?

No, Marsha, I didn't.

Oh, no, not you. I'm talking to a baby.

Marsha, can you hear me?

Hey, Bill, can I call you back in 15 minutes? Sorry, I'm due at court. How

later this afternoon? No good. Why don't we try this tomorrow? No, tomorrow I

have to take the baby to the pediatrician.

Now, listen, Nelson. I have a very important client coming over. So if you

just stay asleep for an hour or two, I can make enough money to buy you a...

do you bribe a baby?

Hello, Mrs. Esterhazy. Please come in. Thank you.

What a lovely place.

Where are those little mints that you have at your office?

I'm sorry, but as I told you on the phone, we have a new baby in the house,

they take up so much time. Well, I'm sure your baby's getting more quality

than my grandchild gets from my son and that airhead aerobics instructor he

married.

It's such a shame about your son moving to Florida. That trampy little blonde

can talk him into anything, but taking my only grandson, Binky, to Orlando,

really rips it.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Now tell me, exactly how old is little Binky?

Twenty -seven.

Hi, I'm Stan from the Beaver County Table Company.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you had a hangover.

Hangover? I have a sleeping baby.

And a paying client.

Can we get on with this?

Certainly, Mrs. Esterhazy, I'll be right with you.

I didn't place an order for cable. Oh, I got the purchase order right here. It's

signed by Wesley T. Owen.

What?

Mom said there are any number of competent attorneys that could change my

And I'd get mints.

I'm coming, Mrs. Esterhazy.

As you can see, this is not a good time.

It's 25 bucks for the house call. If you want me to come back, it's another 25

bucks. It's up to you.

All right, do what you have to do, but just do it quietly.

Okay.

Listen, you bleach -blonde little tramp. I said you're partisan.

I'm cutting you and my worthless son out of my will unless you leave Binky with

me. I'm with my attorney right now.

Hello?

That's her.

And she's even more ruthless than she sounds.

Papa, awake the baby.

Oh, Nelson. No, not now.

Will you quiet that child? This is a long -distance call.

But it's my phone.

Looks like I cut the phone line.

Well, I need my phone. I work out of the house.

Not with this kind.

Oh, Mr. Dexter, how's he?

Please, can't we reschedule? How about tomorrow?

By that time, Binky could be strapped to a teacup in Disney World.

I'm Mr. Belvedere. How was your day off?

Oh, very nice.

I went to the museum, I saw the ballet, and I ate a fine meal I didn't have to

cook. How was yours?

Let's just say I had my hands full.

Remind you of the old days?

No, not really.

Mr. Belvedere, I love that baby.

Everything should be perfect. So why is everything so out of control?

Don't let it get you down in a mere 18 years.

He'll be in college.

You're not helping.

Mrs. Owens, you made a warm and loving home for your family.

You got your law degree when many other women would be out playing tennis.

At the same time, you raised three fine children.

Well, two, anyway.

Mr. Belvedere, do you think I'm doing the right thing trying to adopt Nelson?

I couldn't say.

But the right decisions are always the hardest.

You're probably wondering why I called another family meeting.

Are we getting another baby?

Can we make it a girl this time?

No, no, it's nothing like that.

I've invited some people over tomorrow.

Bob and Shelly Mills.

He's a rabbi, and she's a nurse.

They're coming to see Nelson.

Are we having a bris?

No, Kevin.

They're coming to take Nelson home.

What? But I thought you wanted another baby.

When I decided to try for Nelson, my maternal instincts were on a rampage. It

completely overwhelmed my better judgment, especially when it comes to

best for Nelson.

Well, are you sure, Mom?

I mean, maybe we just need to help you more. Yeah, I could come home from

sooner. I could take some weekend shifts.

And I'm planning on doing a lot more cooking.

Very sweet, but these things are not the issue. The issue is finding the right

family for Nelson.

Well, what's wrong with us?

Nothing.

But we're a complete family.

The Mills have wanted children for years, and Nelson will be the answer to

prayers.

Do you think Nelson's starting to look just a little bit like me?

Yeah, especially when he sucks his thumb like that.

Come in.

Listen, I just wanted to say goodbye to Nelson.

And I wanted to give him this.

Your old baseball mitt?

Yeah, well, I was going to give it to Wes, but I figured he'd only pawn it.

Just in case I don't see Nelson in the morning, I wanted to say goodbye and

him this.

Your blow dryer?

In case he grows up to be an anchorman.

Hey, what's going on?

We're kind of saying goodbye to Nelson.

Oh, yeah, I'm really going to miss the little dude.

Of course, I never had to change him.

Good night, all.

Hey, big guy.

Aren't you going to say goodbye to the little guy?

He doesn't react well to me.

Besides, I hate goodbyes.

Goodnight.

What I meant before was, I hate public goodbyes.

Nelson's departure has left us all a little sad.

Mrs. Owens was particularly hard hit, especially after Heather tried to

her by promising she'd have grandchildren in a few short years.

In all candor...

Even I was bitten by the baby bug, to an extent that I was reluctant to admit.

Ah, well, one must take comfort where one can find it.

Come to papa.