Original subtitles

Hey, Belvedere, why is the string tied around my finger?

You probably left your pipe.

I think I'm trying to remember something.

A hint, George.

Remember a certain special day when you were very nervous? It involved the woman

you love and a license.

Oh, yeah.

The day Heather took her driving test.

Dumb, dumb.

Da -dum.

Oh, my God, I did it again. I forgot our anniversary.

Good thing you reminded me. I wasn't reminding you, George.

I was just saying your dum -dum -da -dum.

Hey, if I hurry, I still have a chance to get her something.

Hey, Dad.

Where's he going?

To save his marriage.

Well, he'll be bringing back a pizza.

Oh, I thought Tommy and Diana were here.

Oh, goody.

The arch -feminists are coming.

What are you going to do, burn your bras?

That would be a pretty small fire.

You can laugh, but it just so happens we're putting on a play Diana wrote.

the first feminist mystery.

Really? What's it called?

Who Let the Toilet See That?

That's them.

Come on, Wes, let's go upstairs and arm wrestle.

Hi, Sonny. Hi, Diana.

Heather, you will not believe this. I went down to reserve the school

for the play.

And they said we couldn't put it on. They said it's too controversial.

Well, I told you to take out the Super Bowl massacre scene.

To make it worse, they're putting on the Miss Beaver Falls beauty pageant. Now,

isn't that an insult to all right -thinking women?

Yeah, why don't they just hold it at a meat market?

We have to do something.

Hey, I know.

Why don't we boycott the pageant?

I've got a better idea.

Let's enter it.

Enter it? Yeah.

But since we're our own candidate, and if she wins, she can just make a speech

denouncing the whole stupid thing.

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, who would we get?

Oh, no.

I am not braiding around in a bathing suit and high heels.

But we needed some beautiful blonde fluff brain who will do anything we tell

her. Where are we going to find someone like that?

No one's there, but sometimes things get turned around and no

one's there.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in his head and fall.

Gonna need all the help that we can get.

According to our arrival, life is more than mere survival.

You want me to be Miss Beaver Falls?

And I'll win a scholarship and prizes?

All you have to do is parade your bod for a bunch of leering spectators to

like a fight of bees.

What's the catch?

There's one thing. During your speech... Heather. Later.

We... have to transform Angela into the perfect contestant. All right.

We're going to make her charming and grateful and articulate.

In a week.

Hey, big guy.

You're not going to believe what I got for Marcia.

It's an anniversary gift I've never gotten her before.

That rules out a cordless screwdriver.

Look at this rock.

That must have cost a fortune.

Not exactly.

But it's not exactly real, either.

Hey, Marsha.

Happy anniversary.

Oh, George.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Oh, George, you're just the most generous man in the whole wide world.

I wouldn't say that.

Neither would I.

Well, I'll meet you upstairs.

I have a little... surprise to you, too.

Don't hold dinner for us.

George, you are going to tell her that that's not the real diamond, aren't you?

Oh, yeah.

Sure.

Later. George.

Hey, she's overjoyed.

Why don't I just leave Will enough alone?

The mark of a wise man. It's also the mark of a cheap man.

Well, you saw her.

Have you ever known Marcia to be so happy?

Yes, a voice reverberates with delight.

What's the matter?

I was running a bubble bath for us. I put my hand in the water, and your

dissolved!

Okay, okay, I wanted to get you a real one.

But Belvedere knew this guy as... George!

Okay, I'll make it up to you, I promise.

I hope you can use a soldering iron.

Now remember, the key to success as a beauty queen is to talk like you're from

the South and use three names.

What three names?

Well, all beauty queens have three names.

Mary Ann Mobley, Deborah Lee Moffat, Lee Mary Weather.

She's perfect.

And so I say to you, stand together against this exploitation of our bodies

strive for the day when we are valued not for the content of our braziers, but

for the contents of our brains.

Wow, that's real powerful stuff, Diana.

But I don't think Angela can handle it. I mean, she gets mixed up on this little

piggy.

Oh, come on. You don't give Angela enough credit. I bet she's a lot deeper

you think.

Sorry I'm late. I was driving around waving.

Waving? Yeah.

All beauty queens have to wave. It's a lot harder than it looks.

frigid. There's only one thing to do. Yeah, let's drop the whole dumb idea.

No, we still have one possible candidate.

Me? I already told you I can't do it.

Don't be so selfish.

What? Sometimes we have to sacrifice ourselves to a higher purpose.

Fine, you sacrifice yourself.

Not with these guys.

Heather, the women of Beaver Falls need your help.

What's it going to be?

Hey, Belvedere.

What do you think?

I'll get a poke.

It's not for you.

It's for Marsha.

I had a big special. You know what's inside?

Knowing you, it's probably a miniature stripper.

No, a diamond ring. And this time it's a real one.

Why, George, you're actually imagining things.

Let me see Marsha's reaction.

No, I don't get it.

This is a moment for the two of you.

Besides, I'm hungry.

Marsha!

Marsha!

I still don't understand what's so important that you have to drag me out

bathtub. You'll see. You'll see.

Happy... ...anniversary.

Thanks, honey.

You got me a new garbage disposal.

Don't give me color that whole thing.

And the whole cake, too.

won't help well don't you know some kind of doggy heimlich maneuver remember

what the good book says what's that all things will

pass you mean

i'm afraid so you're going to have to go on duty duty

heather what do you mean you didn't tell her look

kinda in the pageants too. I hope you don't mind.

Mind?

As your very best friend, I want you to share in the joy of the pageants. But

what if I beat you?

Hey, just entering was honor enough.

Besides, I'm blonde and you don't have a chance in hell.

benedict a traitor you mean benedict arnold that too she's

gonna coach me for the miss beaver falls pageant and now she's gonna be in it

herself so what you're blonde she don't have a chance in hell but

you have to be smart and talented too i see a problem

Go, go, go, go!

She'll have to drop out of the beauty pageant, and I'll never get to go to the

University of Waikiki.

Waikiki, as in Hawaii?

As in 8 ,000 miles from here?

Yeah. First prize is a four -year scholarship.

We'll start in the morning.

Now, once again, repeat after me.

She sells seashells by the seashore.

Very good.

Do you know why I asked you to say that?

Because a beauty queen should be able to discuss the environment.

No, Angela, I'm working on your elocution.

My electrocution?

Don't tempt me.

Now, put this book on your head.

Is this a balance?

No, I'm hoping some knowledge will soak in.

Come on, your regal highness. It's time to make your entrance.

What are you doing here? I live here. What are you doing here?

Mr. Bombardier is coaching you.

Why are you helping Angela?

Because if anybody needs help, she does.

Now,

Angela, remember, pretty is as pretty does.

Absolutely right.

Come on, Heather. Let's go upstairs and work on your makeup.

Oh, Heather?

Yeah?

What, uh, prompted you to enter the contest at the last moment?

Uh, because it'll help world peace. See ya.

Dad, this is a stupid idea.

Wes, it's the only way.

Come on, boy.

Spot's obedience school is putting on a play called Gandhi's Dog.

Okay, he joined the canine corps of the Hare Krishnas.

George, I'm getting a headache, and I think it's going to last a long, long

time.

I

don't

believe it.

Two hundred bucks for x -rays and nothing.

X -rays? George, what happened?

I wanted some pictures for the family album.

Go ahead and tell her, Dad.

If worse comes to worse, I have an extra bunk in my room.

Okay, let's have it.

Well, Marcia, it's like this.

I got you a real diamond ring.

You did?

Yeah, but I had it baked inside the cake that spotted.

You did?

Yeah, so we've been trying to keep a watch on him so we'd know when he, you

know, so we could get the ring back.

But somebody must have slacked off.

Hey, I had to go to school.

Well, I'm going to get that ring back if I have to search every lawn in this

neighborhood.

Gee, we're most going to get a diamond that comes from the heart.

Thank you.

Welcome to the Miss Beaver Falls pageant. No other event captures the

the town better.

Not since they canceled the demolition derby.

As you know.

These young women are judged on their brains and talents as well as their

And now, let's meet our lovely contestants.

Representing the happy guys of Beaver Falls is Joy Ann Adams.

Representing the Brotherhood of Accordionists is Lori Evelyn Paxton.

Ramona Johnson is representing the skunk.

I hope that's a club.

From Van Buren High School, Angela Raskolnikov -Shostakovich.

And Heather Velvet Owen.

Velvet?

Yes, representing the machinist guild, Sophie May Abramowitz.

I know the judges should really heat it up.

I don't know, Mr. Bumrikson. She looks really good out there.

contestant, Angela Raskolnikov, Shostakovich, and her friend, Lynn.

Thank you, everyone.

Lynn, don't you want to say hello to all these nice people?

Hello, everyone.

You know, Lynn, I wasn't sure I wanted you on stage with me.

when I could have had a root canal.

A funny thing happened to me on the way to the pageant. And now for my grand

finale. Lynn here will speak while I drink a glass of water.

Go on, this I'd like to see.

Okay, watch.

Thank you, Angela.

And now... an interview with each of our contestants.

Angela, we'll start with you.

Miss Shostakovich, your ancestors are from Eastern Europe.

In your opinion, why did the Berlin Wall crumble?

for her i mean anthony worked really hard for this oh snap out of it look we

made a surprise for you when you get up there to make your winning speech put

this on beauty pageants are dumb that way you'll be in all the papers please

i have a few minutes alone okay just remember we're counting on you

how do you got that nothing

Beauty pageants are dumb.

Well, they are.

Now I know why you were so anxious to enter one.

To sabotage it.

Are you going to try and stop me?

No. If you want to speak for all womanhood, who am I to stop you?

Right. And I'm sure all the young ladies who worked so hard to get here will

appreciate your support.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a decision.

Drum roll, please.

Don't mention it.

Good luck, Heather.

You too.

Our second runner -up, Laurie Evelyn Paxton.

And our first runner -up, who'll take over if our winner can't fulfill her

responsibilities, is Angela Raskolnikov Shostakovich.

The new Miss Beaver Falls, Heather Velvet Owens.

That's my baby!

Heather, our beauty queen, I am never going to hear the end of this.

Stop complaining. I'm stuck with Angela.

Well, what does the new Miss Beaver Falls have to say?

Here goes.

She's so nervous she can't talk.

Maybe she'll throw up.

Well, when I entered, I thought I'd see something dumb and degrading. Oh, right.

Let them have it. But it wasn't degrading to the women who worked really

be here, who really put their all into it.

It means a lot to them, and I don't have any right to take that away.

What's she doing?

Making me proud, I hope.

And if you want any more statements from Miss Beaver Falls...

I'm turning it down.

Heather Velvet.

And my middle name isn't Velvet.

And I don't want to be Miss Beaver Falls. I don't deserve it. And Angela

I don't know what to say.

How about aloha?

For all concerned, Heather took a giant stride toward maturity.

And in so doing, rid me of Angela in a few short months.

Hallelujah.

Thanks for the missing, Owens Donna.

While planting tulip bulbs this afternoon, I made a miraculous

Scott's hiding place.

Apparently the little scamp had it buried there all along.

I can't wait for George to get home.

Won't you be pleased?

Yes. Hey, Governor.

Look what I got for Martha.

I had to sell my country club membership to get it.

Well, what the heck.

She's worth it.

I wonder how much I can get for this.