Original subtitles

Good morning.

Wow, Mr. Belvedere, you look really hot.

Thank you, Heather.

What you suited up for, big guy?

Wind sprints down to Donut World?

It just so happens I have an appointment at the Maple Hill Health Club.

Wow, that's the most expensive health club in the city. I hear they have a

-star snack bar.

Precisely.

Hey, Mr. Belvedere.

Where'd you get the money to join such a fancy place?

I used my earnings from some commodities your father and I invested in a while

back. Oh, yeah, that pig thing.

Live hard futures, George.

And from that investment, I netted $3 ,500.

What'd you do with the money you made, Dad?

I did what all smart investors do. I let it ride.

George, pigs are a live commodity.

So? So, if you don't sell your share, you have to take delivery of the

merchandise. You don't know what you're talking about.

I mean, what are they going to do? Mail me some live porkers?

Hey, everybody.

Isn't this guy great?

Where'd you find them, what?

Big truck pulled up in the driveway filled with pigs.

Driver said Dad bought them.

What are you going to do with all those oinkers, Dad?

Never met her before.

Who cares when you dropkick the jacket?

As you came through the door, no one bled. But sometimes things get turned

around and no one sped.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that you can get.

According to our new world.

Life is more than mere survival.

We just might live the good life yet.

I can't take delivery of 200 pigs. You should have thought about that before

bought them. Sign here.

What about a tip?

Haven't you got anything smaller?

Hey,

Belvedere, you better get rid of the pigs pronto.

Sorry, that's not in my job description.

Can't we just keep them? Keep 200 pigs? What about the smell?

They'll get used to it.

We did.

Take that bathroom away. Will you kids pipe down?

How am I going to figure out what to do if I can't even hear myself think?

Hey, Dad, maybe you could sell the pigs to a restaurant.

You know, one of those places where you go up to the tank and pick out which one

you want to eat.

Those are lapses, Kevin.

Hey, I'm just thinking on my feet.

Then sit down.

This is ridiculous.

I'm going to get on that phone and I'm not going to hang up until I unload

porkers.

Were you successful with your hard calling?

I'm sorry.

It's a nightmare.

I call three rib joints in every football manufacturer in the country.

What happened to you guys?

Last night knocked over half the fences in the neighborhood.

The Huffnagels said they were going to sue.

Oh, great. Just what your mother needs to hear when she gets back from court.

Were there any nibbles at all, George?

Nah, just some pig farmer in West Virginia said he'd take them if I

them.

How on earth are you going to get 200 pigs to West Virginia?

I still don't know why I have to go with you.

It's a ride shotgun.

This is a pig truck.

On the stage, coach.

Look, you got me into this and you don't get off the hook till I'm out of it.

Oh, very well.

Do you know how to drive one of these things?

I drove an ice cream truck once. Why didn't you ask me to ride shotgun then?

Thirteen gears, double clutch.

What could be so tough?

I thought you said you could drive this thing.

I can't. I'm just a little rusty.

Don't stop this latching. I'm going to be sick.

Oh, relax, Belvedere.

You ever heard of getting truck sick?

How do you feel, big guy?

Peachy.

Why don't you get some music on the radio?

Take your mind off your gut.

Is this what passes for music in this part of the country?

What'd you expect, Gilbert and Sullivan?

Brinker, Brinker, this is Chi -town Charlie.

Will the folk packer up ahead put on his ears?

Good heavens, what's that?

The CB!

The radio!

Truckers use it to talk to each other when they're on the road.

Pick up the mic and give it a try.

Good evening, this is Mr.

Belvedere.

Oh, come on, Belvedere, you can't talk like that.

How should I talk? Like a guy. I am a guy. Like a trucker guy.

I'd sooner take gas.

Breaker, breaker, this is the Beaver Falls, boys.

Hey, good buddy, where you bound with those squealers?

West Virginia, good buddy.

I'm running alongside you. Gonna make the coffee stop soon.

Best donuts in the country coming up off exit five.

We coffee you love.

The Beaver Falls boys are on your tail.

Everything's under control, Dad.

No, Mom's not back from Harrisburg yet.

I promise.

Not a word.

Okay. See you tomorrow. Bye.

So, how's it going? We're almost finished.

Voila.

Oh, he's with Mr. Belvedere. Oh, what are they doing? Hunting? Fishing.

Shopping.

They're hunting for a place to shop for fish.

Oh, strange.

When will they be back? Tuesday. Sunday.

I want to know exactly what's going on around here.

I thought you said you were in the army. I was the personal valet to a major

general. I made out his uniforms while he read the maps.

Okay, okay.

Look, if we don't find a town pretty soon, we're going to run out of gas.

Perhaps we should call my good buddy, Chi -town Charlie.

And let him know we're lost.

We'd be laughed out of the trucking business. We're not in the trucking

business. We are until we get to West Virginia.

If we get to West Virginia.

Well, that shouldn't be much longer. We've been driving for 15 hours.

There's a sign coming up. See what it says.

You are leaving West Virginia.

I get to stay in the Bates Motel.

You can shower first.

Very funny.

Well, at least we found a place where they'd let us park the truck outside.

I just want to sleep. Who cares about the pigs?

You should.

If those pigs get stolen, we'll have come all this way for nothing.

Oh, I don't mind.

I kind of like seeing the Grand Canyon.

Oh, goody.

More cracks about my navigation.

I have so missed it in the last three minutes.

It's only one bed.

So I see.

Well, I get to sleep in it. Oh, no.

You sleep in the tub and get the daisy imprints on your tush.

Hey, it's your fault we're here. Oh, no, it's not. If you'd sold those

commodities when I told you to, none of this would have happened.

I'll flip you for it.

Oh, George, don't be childish.

Let's wrestle.

We can both sleep in the bed.

That's sensible.

George.

What is it?

I'm sorry I got us lost.

That's okay.

I'm sorry I snapped at you two.

Hey, big guy.

You tired?

Who wants to know?

Hey, Belver, do you like the back of the truck? I thought you did.

That's right, officer.

My husband ran off yesterday with a bunch of pigs.

What do you mean, happens all the time?

Look, my husband is out on the road someplace with my housekeeper, and I

know what you're going to do about it.

No, I do not want a date for the policeman's ball.

What are you looking at, porky?

Jeez, Belvedere, you stink.

Aye.

You can knock a buzzard off an outhouse.

At least we got them all.

For a big guy, pretty fast on your feet.

I was greased pig champion at Oxford.

No kidding.

Yes, we ousted Cambridge for three years in a row in the hop, skip and squeal

competition.

You know, Belvedere, you're a good sport.

I'm kind of glad I made you come along with me.

I must admit, I'm beginning to enjoy our little adventure.

Hey, why don't you see if you can find out where we can stop around here?

This trucker could use a cup of java.

Right you are, good buddy.

Breaker, breaker.

This is the Beaver Falls Void.

Hey, Wes.

Wes?

Why is that pig dressed up like Minnie Pearl?

ready for the school talent show. Come on, say howdy.

Watch this stupid pig ate my underwear.

He did not.

He's wearing it.

Kids, I have to talk to you about Mr. Belvedere and your father.

in the shower.

No, nobody called.

Hey, Mom, shouldn't they be back by now? I mean, shouldn't we be worried?

I don't know. I wish we'd hear from them, but in the meantime, let's just

for the best.

Wesley T. Owens, is that pig wearing my jean thatay?

So today is smothered pork chops.

She can smother my pork chops anytime.

What did you say?

He said she can smother his pork chops anytime.

You take that back.

I was only kidding. I didn't know she was your girl.

She's not my girl or anyone else's.

She... is a woman, a fully independent human being worthy of your respect.

What? You guys must be from out of state.

That's second -class citizen, Bullock. You won't fly around here.

Since when is it a crime to admire a great -looking broad?

Looks like what we got here is a man who needs his consciousness raised.

Yeah.

Haven't you read The Feminine Mysteries? Hey,

you're the pig guy that got me into this mess.

Well, you're gonna have to get yourself out of it.

Let's party.

More gentlemen!

What do you want, peewee?

Why, resort to fisticuffs.

Real men would have an eat -off.

Here, on the field of honor, the man who eats the most wins.

It is your fight, you male chauvinist pig.

Sir, I believe the choice of weapons is yours. What will it be?

Beans!

Beans it shall be!

Waitress! I mean, madam.

One,

two, one, two.

That's it, George.

That's it. You got him going. Come on now. Come on now.

Takes a real man to woof down 20 plates of beans.

I guess maybe you two are okay.

Hey, you can stick around if you want, right, guys?

Yeah.

Great.

But for the moment, are they going to stick around the men's room?

You're doing what?

Where?

George, tell me where you are right now.

Okay.

Yeah, you too.

Bye now.

Mom, what's going on?

going to rescue you

I'm a pirate king.

And it is, it is, a glorious fate to be a pirate king.

Give us another story about the Queen.

Well, I don't know if it would be ethical, but I could share some of Her

Majesty's secrets for raising obedient hounds.

There you are, George. Have you lost your mind?

Marshal, what are you doing here?

I'm taking you home.

Hello, Mrs. Owens.

Mr. Belvedere, I am appalled. How could you let George get involved in a stupid

thing like this? Come on, we're going. No. What?

I said no.

I'm a trucker now.

Wide lines stretching out ahead.

Thirteen gears grinding under you.

I gotta tell you, Marsh, I don't care if I ever go back to that sports anchor

thing.

Mr. Belvedere, make him come with me. No.

What? We're the Beaver Falls boys.

And we've just begun to sing the song of the open road.

Mr. Belvedere, this is crazy.

Yes, and I love it. I haven't done the ironing in a week.

You mean you love it? left a beautiful woman with a basket of wrinkled clothes?

What is this, the Dark Ages?

You stay out of this, mister.

Oh, scrappy, ain't she?

I like that in a woman.

Yeah, me too.

Ma 'am, you're a fine -looking woman with a mind of your own. And if this

hadn't got sense enough to go home with you, I will. I love to iron.

Do you do cuffs?

Ruffles.

Marsha, what do you think you're doing? Giving you what you want.

You love the open road. I'm not going to stop you. But I need a father for my

children and a husband for my bed. I mean,

you're my wife, and I'm taking you home.

And if anybody's going to do your ironing, it's going to be him.

Come on, big guy.

We're out of here.

Just a minute, George. I think you've forgotten one little thing.

What's that? We have a truckload of friars to get to Memphis.

Forget them. Forget them and you pay for them.

He's right, Marsh.

Looks like we're going to have to make one last run.

Guess I'll see you at home.

Guess again.

Mr. Belvedere will be right back.

Mrs. Owens handles a big rig with every bit as much authority as she handles

George.

It's something of a pity she came after us when she did.

Who knows how many happy, song -filled years we'd have spent as truckers if she

hadn't. Ah, well, perhaps some things are best left to fantasy.

Hey, Belvedere, I see a donut world. Let's dunk some devil's food.

Then again, sometimes reality beats fantasy, hands down.

Anything you say, Big Mama.