Original subtitles

Good morning, everybody.

Good morning, sir.

Do I know you?

Probably not.

Oh, Mom, this is James Montgomery. You know the little boy I babysit for on the

weekends? Oh, yes.

It's very nice to meet you, James.

The pleasure's all mine, ma 'am.

A well -mannered child in this kitchen?

I must call Ripley's.

James' mom was called out of town, so I told her he could stay with us for the

next week.

Oh, that's nice, dear.

What?

I'll feed him and everything.

Heather, a young man requires a little more care than a stray puppy.

Or in Wesley's case, a rabid jackal.

You really should have discussed this with Dad and me first.

Oh, don't worry, Mrs. Owens.

I'm sure James is a polite young man.

If not, we can always tie him under the porch and feed him table scraps.

Hammond, this is my associate, Carl Putnam. We represent the happy guys of

Pittsburgh. Helping others happily. That's our motto.

Well, you can help yourself right out of here.

The last time I saw you guys, you tried to drag me into some devil worship

thing.

Our little Halloween party may have gotten a wee bit out of hand, but we've

cleaned house.

Yeah, now you won't find so much as a devil day.

George, who's here?

Marsha, you remember the happy guys, Bert and Carl?

Oh, yes.

Tweedledee and Tweedledum.

This guy slays me. Doesn't he slay you, girl? Well, it's easy for you to say,

Bert. You're not Tweedledum.

Won't you come in and sit down?

Oh, thank you. I don't want to alarm you folks, but there's a mad criminal on

the loose. And he's attacking the women of Beaver Falls.

What does he do?

He steals their high -heeled shoes.

It's no laughing matter. Well, last night he stole my wife's best open toed

pumps. She's currently under sedation.

Have you called the police?

Unfortunately, this is what they consider a low priority item.

Oh, that's terrible.

It's scandalous. I mean, it's scandalous.

That's why we're here. You've got to help us. Hey, I'm a sportscaster.

I don't know anything about catching criminals.

Unless they've stolen home.

George, old pal, we need your house for our meetings.

What meetings?

Tell him, Bert. We formed our own neighborhood protection group, the

Happy Guys. We're going to make the streets safe for decent human beings.

I think I better warn Wesley.

So in the China, never mattered before.

Who cared when you dropped your jacket?

As you came through the door, no one glared.

According to our new rival, life is more than mere survival.

And we just might live the good life yet.

At this rate, you're telling me you've never had detention?

That's correct.

Although I... I once had to stay after school to accept a good conduct medal.

Where'd you find this, Deacon?

Wesley,

you can't speak to James that way.

Most people do.

Wesley, James will be staying with us for one week.

Surely you can impersonate a human being for that long.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means quit acting like a jerk.

Actually, Miss Heather, a jerk is a dull or stupid person.

Wesley seems to be neither of those. I'm afraid you've misspoken.

You know, kid, you may not be a total zero after all.

Well, you can certainly learn something from him.

Maybe he can learn something from me.

Do you want to come to order, please?

Fellas, you want to quiet down and we'll start. Hey!

Hey!

Gee, he's kind of high strung, isn't he?

Gentlemen, good evening and welcome to the first meeting of the Guardian Happy

Guys. Hey, where are the crab puppies?

George had one.

Now, the high -heeled bandit, as we have dubbed him, has eluded the police so

far. But we, the guardian happy guys, are going to see to it that he's

and brought to justice.

Do we get to wear hats?

You mean like golf hats with our own logo on them? I didn't know we had a

No, we don't have a logo, and we don't need hats.

Hey, but we did have these new buttons made up.

You bad guys cut it out.

up, don't you think?

Now, the first order of business is to divide ourselves into patrol teams. As

long as we're dividing up into teams, why don't we get up a softball game?

Hi,

Mom. Oh, hi, honey.

Come over here. Give your old mom a big hug.

Where is everybody?

Um, your sister and brother are up. upstairs watching TV.

Daddy and Mr. Belvedere are in the living room forming a vigilante group.

And I have been exiled to the kitchen, so I'm doing my nails.

Dad and Mr. Belvedere are doing what?

Oh, they're having a meeting with that group of happy guys to track down the

high -heeled bandit.

I'm kidding.

Take a look.

Why are they marching around two by two?

I think they're doing the Virginia reel.

Mr. Belvedere's tipping dad.

And remember now, we're only the eyes and ears of the police.

If you see the high -heeled bandit, do not try to apprehend him. Do not take

aggressive action yourself.

Hell, this is worse than none.

I thought my party was over when the crab party's disappeared.

Well, let's just get this over with.

Oh, I think it's too late to go patrolling tonight, don't you, Bert? Way

late. We do have time for turkey in the straw.

I still don't get why we're dancing.

It fosters teamwork, George.

They say the stealers do the button over.

Now pay attention, kid.

Maybe a little of the Owens magic will rub off on you.

What's this?

A hot water bottle.

If you're not even going to try, we'll stop this lesson right now.

Sorry, I probably... I'll try to think meaner.

Good. Now what you have here is your basic whoopee cushion. You place it on

principal's chair right before assembly.

Then when he sits down after the Pledge of Allegiance... That's not very nice.

Exactly. Now check this out.

Even I know that that's a rubber snake.

Wrong. It's the real McCoy.

But serpents are not indigenous to the Beaver Falls area.

They are now.

Quick, put him under that magazine on the chair.

But that's Heather's magazine. Won't she be startled?

At least.

Hey, Wes, have you seen my 17 magazine?

Um, I believe it's over there.

Ah, thanks, James.

why we're sitting out here freezing our hooters off.

And if we're going to catch the high -heeled bandit, we must sacrifice a

comfort.

I don't see you sacrificing any of those donuts.

If you're going to be nasty, I shall go home and you'll be the only happy guy on

the streets without a patrol buddy.

I am not your buddy and I am not a happy guy.

Since you are obviously unable to be pleasant, I suggest we keep our mouths

and our eyes open.

You got it.

Fine.

Hey, Belvedere. Now what?

I think I drank too much coffee. We better find a gas station.

You know we are not allowed to leave the stakeout for any reason.

Fine. I'll just use that bush over there.

That's your decision, but we're here to uphold the law, not to break it.

Huh? Well, for one thing, there's indecent exposure.

Vandalism. Defacing public property. Okay, okay, you made your point.

I'll tough it out.

That's the spirit.

Belvedere? Mm -hmm? Could you tell me a story?

You know,

to take my mind off things.

Oh, very well.

Once upon a time...

There was a man who lived under Niagara Falls.

All day long, he did nothing but listen to the rush of the raging water.

Stop that story!

Stay tuned for Shock, Fear, Theater.

Tonight's presentation, The Killer Brawl Strap.

Evening shot to hell.

Hey, Wes, why aren't you in bed?

Somebody had to wait up for Mom.

Huh? When it got late and you guys didn't come home, she got worried and

out looking for you.

Hey, Marshal, what happened?

Oh, George, he got me.

Who? The high -heeled bandit.

of a sudden, I feel something in my back and a voice in my ear says, give me

those pumps or I'll pump you full of lead.

What happened then?

This is the worst part.

I gave him my brand new snakeskin pumps.

I paid $350 for them.

Well, so have I.

Folks, I'm trying to make a report here. I'm sorry.

I'm just sick about this.

Hi,

I'm Bert Hammond. This is my associate, Carl Putnam. We represent... Just get in

here.

Came right over as soon as we heard about the missus. Yeah, we picked up the

police call on the scanner in my car.

Oh, by the way, your car's being towed.

supposed to be in charge of getting this dirt bag off the street. Now I want to

know what you're going to do about this.

Oh, he's got spunk, Bert. Yeah, real spunk. Have you ever considered becoming

junior happy guy?

Look, I'll do whatever I can to catch this jerk.

Yeah, we do need to take stronger measures. I'd say this calls for another

meeting. Maybe we should have it here. Tomorrow night, 8 o 'clock. I'll be

I'll bring the accordion.

Hey, Wes?

Yeah? Have you seen Gene? James, I went up to his room to look for him and I

found this note on his pillow. It says, I didn't do it.

Didn't do what?

Wesley, I hope you have a way of putting this chicken back together.

I didn't do it.

Then who did?

James.

Ridiculous. He's far too innocent to have masterminded something like this.

He must have had help.

Hey, all I did was show the kid a few basic moves. Can I help him if he's a

natural? Leslie, you're poisoning his mind. I forbid you to teach him anything

else. Okay, but he's tasted success.

You'll probably be hearing from him again.

Now, if you'll both excuse me, I am going upstairs to change.

I seem to have fouled myself.

Oh, dear.

You have to help me find James.

First, we must find Lady Carol.

That pint -sized Al Capone put blue dye in my shampoo.

No doubt after you put pop rocks in my souffle. It's his fault.

I'm going to pound him right after I smack James bald -headed.

Good Lord, Wesley, what have you done?

Nothing yet.

Then what's that?

What's left on my new ten -speed. I told James he can write it.

Apparently, he rode it through hell.

Lexi, you created this monster. You have to stop him.

Hey, once man, looks like something happened to your bike.

This isn't funny.

Loosen up, dude. Where's your sense of humor?

He could have gone up in smoke.

Hey, Tubbs, your beach ball's lopsided.

They call me Mr.

Tubbs.

acting like this. What happened to that sweet little kid I used to babysit? That

geek? He's history.

By the way, I love what you've done with your hair.

I couldn't find a bag to match my shoes.

My, my, my. Don't we look lovely this evening? Knock it off.

Let's just get this over with. All right, sure, cutie.

Gentlemen, or perhaps I should say ladies.

Not to me.

This gives new meaning to the word dragnet.

Protection and safety will work in pairs. By strolling the streets as

we'll catch the high -heeled bandit right where he lives.

Well, if we know where he lives, Bert, why don't we just go over to his house?

That's it.

I'm out of here. Oh, no, you don't. I'm not going anywhere without my best

girlfriend.

Just don't try to borrow my lipstick.

Hey, where's Kevin?

Kevin? Yeah.

My God, you look stunning.

I know, I can't help it.

Gee, kid, couldn't you have gone a little easier on the eye shadow?

Not according to Cosmo.

Well, you better be careful. You could get picked up.

Hey, Dad, that's not funny.

You are wearing your own underwear, aren't you? Of course I am.

It explains the visible panty line.

Remember, if you sit down, keep your knees together.

Here you go, Belvedere.

You sit down and I'll wait for the bandit in the bushes.

Why should I have to be baked?

Let's just say you're easy to spot from a distance.

Very well.

What should I do if the bandit tries to accost me?

Play hard to get.

Good evening, my dear.

Look, honey.

Your kind belongs over by the fish pond. I'm working this end of the park.

Good evening, officer.

It's a little late for a lady to be out by herself at night.

Oh, I'm not afraid.

You should be.

There's some nut running around stealing women's shoes right off their feet.

Oh, sorry.

Nobody would want my shoes.

I guess you're right.

Still, you ought to think about going home.

Thank you, officer.

I will.

Say, what's your sign?

Get in!

Get in!

Well, that was a big bust.

How do women keep from freezing to death in these things?

Well, at least you weren't hit on.

God, men can be such animals.

Tell me about it.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Well, where have you been, Bert?

I'm afraid I have some bad news.

The high -heeled bandit struck again while you were out on patrol.

Where? Over by the dairy.

The one place we didn't have a team.

I think it's time to try the police. No, don't do that.

I told you, they're not interested.

Besides, we can handle this by ourselves.

I'm not wearing any more girdles.

You should have tried one with a tummy tamer.

Hey, if you're so sure we can get this guy...

How come you didn't dress up and go on patrol with us? Well, somebody's got to

run the operation.

And it should be the one who knows the most about the crimes.

Yes. You do seem well informed about the High Heel Bandit. Well, let's just say

I understand him. Perhaps you can tell us how it is that he knows exactly where

Owen went patrolling.

Maybe he's psychic.

Or maybe he's Bert.

You're crazy. You take that back.

Bert never stole anything.

Oh, really?

Who told us first about the high -heeled bandit?

Bird.

And who told us not to go to the police because they wouldn't be interested?

Bird.

And who's the one who's most obsessed with the shoe collection of the high

-heeled bandit?

When the rest of us wouldn't know the difference between a hirachi and an

espadrille. Well, any fool knows that a hirachi is a woven flat -heeled sandal,

while an espadrille is a canvas wedgie with a rope sole.

How could you do it? I didn't. I couldn't. I have this cane.

You never had a cane before.

Get it! No, I can't. You've got to understand.

You've got to give me a chance to explain.

You see, I was a shoe salesman for 35 years.

It's in my blood.

I can't help myself. I'm sick.

I promise to get therapy.

Would you guys let me off the hook?

No.

What are you doing, James?

Making sure there's one less birdbath in the world.

You can't float the Huffnagle's birdbath. Somebody might get hurt.

Somebody might get hurt if they don't get off my case.

Look, kid.

Real pranks require planning, timing, and above all, finesse.

Finesse. Yeah. Without a certain grace and dignity, a prank is just a mean

trick. Or in this case, a crime.

Oh, give me a break.

I will.

I'll promise to keep this a secret.

But you have to promise to stop acting like me.

It's too late, Wes.

I've seen the other side of the mountain.

If I rat on you, you're going to be seeing the other side of a set of bars.

You'd do that to me?

Try me.

Okay.

You win.

Want me to show you how to...

This is the king you're talking to.

Ready to go home, James?

Sure, Heather.

Okay, let's hit the road.

Can I have a moment alone with Wesley, please?

Okay, I'll just put your bag in the car. Thank you,

Wesley, for almost an enlightening stay.

The enlightenment was mutual.

Guess I'll see you. See ya.

crime sprees, both civil and domestic, have finally come to an end.

With only Wesley's demented tricks to fear, it's almost like being on holiday.

But the high -heeled bandit was let off with a fine and a stern warning to steer

clear of ladies' footwear and the feet on which it gathers.

My part in his capture has left me with my dignity only slightly askew.

Others were not quite so fortunate.

Come in.

Mr. Belvedere, can I borrow a pair of gloves until the crazy glue wears off?

I'm Ted Koppel, later on Nightline, Carnival Time in Rio.

But with inflation at 1 ,000%, there's not much to celebrate.

That's our story tonight.

Sunday at 7, limber up sports fans for a Frisbee hoop toss in the smallest

indoor scale.