All language subtitles for mr_belvedere_s05e09_black_widow

Who? Lamar Gooberson, the fattest man in
the world.

It says when he died, he weighed over 1
,200 pounds.

They had to bury him in a piano crate.

Wow. Jim, I wonder who the fattest man
in the world is now.

Good morning, everyone.

Ah,

see you guys. I gotta get down to the
station.

Huh? But you don't have to do the news
until tonight.

I know.

I just got a call from the Barbara
Collins show.

Somebody fell through, so they need
another guest.

Pronto. And they're sending you to pick
him up?

No, I'm it.

I guess they want me to dazzle them with
a few of my sports stories.

Oh, that's great, honey. Barbara Collins
has the number one show in Pittsburgh.

At least she did.

Good luck, George. Yeah, knock them
dead.

Thanks,

guys. I just hope I do as good as the
guy who canceled.

Who was that guy? I don't know. I think
it was that Michael Jackson guy.

never mattered before.

Who cares when you pop kicked your
jacket as you came through the door?

No one glared, but sometimes things get
turned around and no one's spared.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that we can.

According to our arrival, life is more
than mere survival.

We just might live the good life yet.

So, Drysdale looks at me and says, what
do you mean pull over?

I thought you were driving.

Absolutely marvelous.

Now, come on, George, give us the
lowdown.

Do you really think the pirates are
going to leave Pittsburgh?

Oh, I hope not, Barbara, because if they
do, it's really going to upset their

fan.

Oh, there, we're out of time.

On behalf of my co -host Brad and
myself, I would like to thank all our

today, especially... Especially
sportscaster George Owens, who is the

fabulous guest we've had on here for a
long, long time.

Bye, everybody.

Thanks, George.

That was terrific. I really appreciate
your filling in on such short notice.

Oh, it was my pleasure, Miss Collins.

Please, call me Barbara.

Hey, George.

You've done real good.

Oh, Brad, I believe the grown -ups were
talking.

Oh, sorry, Barb.

Well, I'll just wait in your dressing
room.

Fine.

Anyway, thanks again for having me.
Maybe we can do it again sometime.

Okay. How about tomorrow?

Huh? I'll see you here at eight.

Hey, where have you guys been? At the
mall. I figured it was time to get with

somebody close.

Oh, yeah? What'd you get?

A worm.

That stuff looks just as nerdy as the
other junk you wear.

Hey! Well, I think he looks very
handsome.

I'll go put the rest of this stuff up in
your room. Thanks, Mom.

What are you laughing at? You. You look
like Dennis the Menace.

Huh?

Blanche, don't you see what Mom's doing?

You're her youngest, her little baby.

And she's still dressing you like one.

What do you mean? It's not like I'm
wearing a diaper or anything.

Go ahead, Wes. Yuck it up. But you're in
junior high now, and pretty soon

everybody's going to be laughing at you.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

So what should I do?

Just leave everything to me.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your
attention, please? I am proud to present

the new, improved, and incredibly hip
Wesley T. Owens for 88.

Hi, Mr. Belvedere.

Well, it sounds like him.

Maybe it's part of the FBI's witness
relocation program.

What happened to all the clothes I just
bought?

We took them back. Doesn't he look
great?

He just looks so grown up.

What happened to my little baby?

Mom, I'm 12.

Get a life.

this that I almost wish I had another
one.

Mrs. Owens, please, for the sake of
mankind, don't.

Then you add some finely chopped
cilantro to your diced tomatoes,

onions, which gives your souffle an
exciting Mexican flair.

Mexican food is good.

Quite right.

Well, I don't know about you, George,
but I am a complete disaster in the

kitchen. Do you do any cooking at home?
Oh, actually, I make a pretty mean bowl

of chili.

Huh? At least that's what the survivors
tell me.

Now, George, fun is fun, but you're
falling down on the job. Oh, sorry, I

the cooking, lady. Now, how much milk
does it say that we need to put? Uh, it

says here one -half cup. One -half cup.

And a pinch of salt. And a pinch of
salt.

Then you take two eggs. Then you take
two eggs. And you crack them over your

head. And you crack them.

I think, after this word from our
spouse.

Oh, my, Skip, look who's here.

Oh, hey, guys.

I was just going over some coffee for
tonight.

Oh, you're still doing sports?

I didn't think Mr. Talk Show had the
time.

Yeah, well, I think I'm finished doing
the Barbara Collins show.

especially after that egg business this
morning.

It's probably just as well.

Believe me, the further away you stay
from the spider lady, the better.

Oh, yeah?

I mean, I hate to spread stuff like this
around, but Barbara's sort of a man

-eater. What do you mean?

Oh, I mean, first she has a guy on as a
guest, and then she makes him her co

-host. Then she chews him up and spits
him out. Batui.

Oh, come on. You guys are nuts.

Mr. George, six months ago, Brad was a
guest on Barbara's show, too.

So? So he came on to give a pool
cleaning demonstration.

Well, see you guys.

Hey, where are you going, Brad?

Oh, I just got canned.

Well, Barbara said she was only holding
me back, so I'm going out to California

to try out for the Tonight Show.

Here comes Johnny.

That's great, Brad. Yeah, best of luck.

If you're not going to be co -host
anymore, who is?

Oh, George.

Here's your coffee, Mrs. Owens. Oh,
thank you, Mr. Belvedere.

Mr.

Belvedere? Yes, ma 'am. This is double
Dutch mocha. I wanted Swiss orange mint.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Let me draw you a map to the kitchen.

See you guys. Wes and I are going to the
movies. Come on, Wes. We're going to be

late. I'm coming. I'm coming.

Well, ciao, people.

What are you wearing? I didn't buy you
that.

I bought it.

I needed something for after six.

Wonderful. Yeah, especially when you
made Estelle the cooking lady break that

egg on her head. That was great.

Oh, yeah?

I couldn't believe she was that stupid.

So, did Barbara Collins say anything? Is
she going to hand you back on the show?

Uh, yeah. In fact, she asked me to be
her new co -host.

George, that's great.

Oh, well done, George.

What happened to the pool guy?

Oh, he sort of went down a drain.

So, what did you tell her? Are you going
to do it?

Actually, I don't have much of a choice.
The station manager pretty much said

whatever Barbara wants, Barbara gets.

Well, I say she picked herself a winner
and then we all go out and celebrate.

Splendid idea.

Oh,

George,

I didn't know you were out here.

Hey, Belvedere.

If you're looking for... that salami you
hid in the drainpipe, Wes and I already

got it.

Oh.

You're up rather late, aren't you?

I couldn't sleep.

Oh, it's only natural to be nervous
before assuming a new position.

Yeah, real funny.

Oh, it's just this Barbara Collins
broad? Mm -hmm.

I think she's got more in mind than me
just sitting next to her in a chair.

Oh.

at this. I mean, she didn't actually
proposition you, did she?

No, not exactly. It's just I sort of
heard she has this reputation.

And where did you hear this?

In gym?

Look, George, you shouldn't pay any mind
to this sort of idle gossip.

Yeah, I know. I know.

And in the unlikely event that she does
make advances, simply tell her you're

not that kind of co -host.

Thanks, big guy.

didn't find the backup.

Hey, guys.

Honey, what happened to your pants?

Looks like someone's finally off his
fashion kick.

Are you kidding?

These are Chateau Latouche jeans. They
were pre -shredded in Paris.

Wesley, don't you think you're getting a
little carried away with all this

sartorial splendor?

No. And that reminds me, I've been
meaning to have a word with you about

sweater thing.

Gentlemen, squawkily.

Yeah, if I were you, I'd check out the
Spring Portly Preview.

All right, folks, we're out of time.

Let's hear it for our very special
guest, the fabulous Bernard and his

beard of bees.

Listen, Bernie, I'm really sorry about
pulling out that bit of honey. I didn't

think it'd get the little bugger so
worked up.

Good show today, George, as always.

Gee, thanks, Barbara. I mean, it's a
real pleasure to work with a man who's a

little older, more sophisticated than
these towel boys they usually straddle

with.

You mean saddle you with.

Whatever.

Anyway, I have been mulling over some
great new ideas for the show, and I

thought we might get together and
discuss them. Oh, sure.

No, I don't mean here.

No, I thought we could go to my dressing
room.

You know, where we won't feel so...
inhibited.

Oh, gee, that sounds great, Barb, but I
got a sports report coming up in about

eight hours, so I better get cracking.

I mean, you know how hectic things get
around here during basketball season.

George, Pittsburgh doesn't have a
basketball team.

That's right, and I think it's high time
people knew why.

What story do you like best?

Boy Raised by Dogs Wins Best of Show or
Productivity Up at Clothing Optional

Steel Mill?

Gee, I don't know, Skip. They both sound
pretty tasteless.

Yeah, I know.

God, I love sweeps.

Hi, guys.

Hi, George.

So, how's it going with Cruella DeVille?

I just gotta get out of that co -host
thing before she drives me nuts.

Stick to sports, Rebel.

Uh -oh.

Oh, George.

Um, no, as of today, I'm doing sports.

Huh? Why?

Well, apparently, Barbara convinced the
station manager that your sports job was

interfering with your co -host
responsibilities.

Okay.

That's it.

I'm gonna give that broad a piece of my
mind.

I don't think she'll settle for that.

We have to celebrate.

Celebrate what?

George, do you know what's in these
envelopes? Alimony?

Fan mail, George.

Lots and lots of wonderful fan mail.

And it's all for you.

Oh, yeah?

You're a hit, George.

People like you. They want to see more
of you. I mean, they can feel your

strength.

Your very essence as it comes bursting
through that TV screen. They just can't

wait to turn...

you come in here?

I don't remember.

Look, George, I think I know what's
troubling you, and I understand

You do?

Mm -hmm.

Being naughty in the dressing room, it's
just so tacky.

So why don't we make it tomorrow night
for dinner?

No. Say around eight, my place? Forget
it.

Which do you prefer, white wine or red?

I'm

Must be white.

Well, this is all my fault. I created a
monster.

I presume you're referring to our own
little Wesleyo Armani.

You know what he's doing now?

Hanging out at the mall, making fun of
the way people are dressed.

I was simply trying to give people a few
pointers.

Oh, yeah? Like when you yelled, Hey,
babe, you look great in paisley. It

your complexion.

I'm sorry, Heather. Your complexion's
fine.

Thank you.

What are we going to do about those
hips?

Oh, hi, honey. Look who's here.

Hello, George.

Hi.

So what brings you by?

Oh, nothing much. I just wanted to drop
off a little paperwork.

And tell your delightful wife about our
plans for dinner tomorrow night. I'm so

sorry I can't make it, but I have an
appointment with a client in Harrisburg.

Oh, I can always make it some other
time. Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't be

You two, you just go on ahead.

Anyway, I have some paperwork of my own
to do, so it was very nice meeting you,

Barbara. You too, Marsha.

Your wife is very attractive, George.

Thanks. Maybe we can find a place for
her on the show.

How does Marsha the legal lady sound?

What are you doing here?

Oh, come on. Don't be such a grumpy
puss.

Okay, that's it. I quit.

Go get yourself a lifeguard or
something. But I'm going back to sports.

Oh, really?

Where? Altoona?

Oh, look, if you expect to do sports...

Else, in this town, you had better play
ball with me.

Do I make myself clear?

More coffee, Miss Collins?

Oh, no, thank you. I was just leaving.

Oh, George, see what you can do with
this guest list.

We've had another cancellation.

Good night.

Oh, good night.

Good night.

She seems nice.

What am I going to do, Belvedere?

If I don't hit her sheets tomorrow
night, I'll be hitting the bricks the

morning.

That certainly is a problem.

Yeah, I am.

And if I were in your shoes, I would
simply try to deal with one problem at a

time.

I think we should stop for the guest
list.

Morning, Barb.

You were looking for me? Yeah, I got
this morning's breakdown. We don't have

guests. Oh, sure we do.

I got a great show all lined up, just
like you told me to. All?

Who'd we get?

It's a surprise.

Kind of a theme show dedicated just to
you.

Really?

I just wanted to do something to show my
appreciation for all you've done for me

and all I'm about to do to you.

Oh, I like the sound of that.

One minute, Miss Thomas.

We'll finish this later.

Barbara Collins Show.

Now, normally, this is where I tell you
who my guests are going to be.

But you know what?

I haven't got a clue.

But I think this rascal here has got
something up his sleeve.

Ladies and gentlemen, my co -host,
George Owens.

Ah, thanks, Barbara.

You know, you've been an institution
here in Pittsburgh for 15 fabulous

And I thought, Wouldn't it be great to
take a look back with a few special

friends and show the people out there
what Barbara Collins is really like?

Oh, George, I don't know what to say.

Oh, you just wait, Barbara Collins,
because this is your sex life.

Oh, my God. Steve Savage, aerobics
instructor, co -host, 85,

86.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

contract. Anything, I'll type it up
myself.

Okay, folks, we're going to take a short
break, but don't go away

because we're coming right back.

outfit at Burger Town, so he decked me.
I guess when it comes to clothes, I

learned my lesson.

You mean that's all that it took?

I could have done that.

So why are we dressed like this?

I don't know, but you guys look pretty
stupid.

Mr. Report, George is now happily back
at the sports desk.

His fidelity is still intact.

As for Miss Collins, last I heard, she
was the new host of Good Morning

Scranton. I wish the male population of
that fine city all the luck in the

world. They'll need it.

As for Wesley, he finally learned that
clothes indeed do not make the man.

Although if you wear the right outfit
long enough...

It will change you a little.

I'm Ted Koppel. Later on Nightline, when
you have them, you take them for

granted. When you don't, they become the
most critical thing in your life. Our

focus tonight, human rights.

Tomorrow on ABC's College Basketball,
the UNLV running Rebels take on the

Arizona Wildcats live at one.

and sign the consent form so I can go.

Back to Pluto, I hope.

Angela and I want to help the homeless
in Pittsburgh, so we're going to

volunteer to shelter downtown.

Uh -huh. Yeah, we're going to cook them
breakfast.

I thought you wanted to help the
homeless, not kill them.

I think what you're doing is very
laudable. Well, we both have been very

fortunate.