Original subtitles

Who? Lamar Gooberson, the fattest man in the world.

It says when he died, he weighed over 1 ,200 pounds.

They had to bury him in a piano crate.

Wow. Jim, I wonder who the fattest man in the world is now.

Good morning, everyone.

Ah,

see you guys. I gotta get down to the station.

Huh? But you don't have to do the news until tonight.

I know.

I just got a call from the Barbara Collins show.

Somebody fell through, so they need another guest.

Pronto. And they're sending you to pick him up?

No, I'm it.

I guess they want me to dazzle them with a few of my sports stories.

Oh, that's great, honey. Barbara Collins has the number one show in Pittsburgh.

At least she did.

Good luck, George. Yeah, knock them dead.

Thanks,

guys. I just hope I do as good as the guy who canceled.

Who was that guy? I don't know. I think it was that Michael Jackson guy.

never mattered before.

Who cares when you pop kicked your jacket as you came through the door?

No one glared, but sometimes things get turned around and no one's spared.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that we can.

According to our arrival, life is more than mere survival.

We just might live the good life yet.

So, Drysdale looks at me and says, what do you mean pull over?

I thought you were driving.

Absolutely marvelous.

Now, come on, George, give us the lowdown.

Do you really think the pirates are going to leave Pittsburgh?

Oh, I hope not, Barbara, because if they do, it's really going to upset their

fan.

Oh, there, we're out of time.

On behalf of my co -host Brad and myself, I would like to thank all our

today, especially... Especially sportscaster George Owens, who is the

fabulous guest we've had on here for a long, long time.

Bye, everybody.

Thanks, George.

That was terrific. I really appreciate your filling in on such short notice.

Oh, it was my pleasure, Miss Collins.

Please, call me Barbara.

Hey, George.

You've done real good.

Oh, Brad, I believe the grown -ups were talking.

Oh, sorry, Barb.

Well, I'll just wait in your dressing room.

Fine.

Anyway, thanks again for having me. Maybe we can do it again sometime.

Okay. How about tomorrow?

Huh? I'll see you here at eight.

Hey, where have you guys been? At the mall. I figured it was time to get with

somebody close.

Oh, yeah? What'd you get?

A worm.

That stuff looks just as nerdy as the other junk you wear.

Hey! Well, I think he looks very handsome.

I'll go put the rest of this stuff up in your room. Thanks, Mom.

What are you laughing at? You. You look like Dennis the Menace.

Huh?

Blanche, don't you see what Mom's doing?

You're her youngest, her little baby.

And she's still dressing you like one.

What do you mean? It's not like I'm wearing a diaper or anything.

Go ahead, Wes. Yuck it up. But you're in junior high now, and pretty soon

everybody's going to be laughing at you.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

So what should I do?

Just leave everything to me.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please? I am proud to present

the new, improved, and incredibly hip Wesley T. Owens for 88.

Hi, Mr. Belvedere.

Well, it sounds like him.

Maybe it's part of the FBI's witness relocation program.

What happened to all the clothes I just bought?

We took them back. Doesn't he look great?

He just looks so grown up.

What happened to my little baby?

Mom, I'm 12.

Get a life.

this that I almost wish I had another one.

Mrs. Owens, please, for the sake of mankind, don't.

Then you add some finely chopped cilantro to your diced tomatoes,

onions, which gives your souffle an exciting Mexican flair.

Mexican food is good.

Quite right.

Well, I don't know about you, George, but I am a complete disaster in the

kitchen. Do you do any cooking at home? Oh, actually, I make a pretty mean bowl

of chili.

Huh? At least that's what the survivors tell me.

Now, George, fun is fun, but you're falling down on the job. Oh, sorry, I

the cooking, lady. Now, how much milk does it say that we need to put? Uh, it

says here one -half cup. One -half cup.

And a pinch of salt. And a pinch of salt.

Then you take two eggs. Then you take two eggs. And you crack them over your

head. And you crack them.

I think, after this word from our spouse.

Oh, my, Skip, look who's here.

Oh, hey, guys.

I was just going over some coffee for tonight.

Oh, you're still doing sports?

I didn't think Mr. Talk Show had the time.

Yeah, well, I think I'm finished doing the Barbara Collins show.

especially after that egg business this morning.

It's probably just as well.

Believe me, the further away you stay from the spider lady, the better.

Oh, yeah?

I mean, I hate to spread stuff like this around, but Barbara's sort of a man

-eater. What do you mean?

Oh, I mean, first she has a guy on as a guest, and then she makes him her co

-host. Then she chews him up and spits him out. Batui.

Oh, come on. You guys are nuts.

Mr. George, six months ago, Brad was a guest on Barbara's show, too.

So? So he came on to give a pool cleaning demonstration.

Well, see you guys.

Hey, where are you going, Brad?

Oh, I just got canned.

Well, Barbara said she was only holding me back, so I'm going out to California

to try out for the Tonight Show.

Here comes Johnny.

That's great, Brad. Yeah, best of luck.

If you're not going to be co -host anymore, who is?

Oh, George.

Here's your coffee, Mrs. Owens. Oh, thank you, Mr. Belvedere.

Mr.

Belvedere? Yes, ma 'am. This is double Dutch mocha. I wanted Swiss orange mint.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Let me draw you a map to the kitchen.

See you guys. Wes and I are going to the movies. Come on, Wes. We're going to be

late. I'm coming. I'm coming.

Well, ciao, people.

What are you wearing? I didn't buy you that.

I bought it.

I needed something for after six.

Wonderful. Yeah, especially when you made Estelle the cooking lady break that

egg on her head. That was great.

Oh, yeah?

I couldn't believe she was that stupid.

So, did Barbara Collins say anything? Is she going to hand you back on the show?

Uh, yeah. In fact, she asked me to be her new co -host.

George, that's great.

Oh, well done, George.

What happened to the pool guy?

Oh, he sort of went down a drain.

So, what did you tell her? Are you going to do it?

Actually, I don't have much of a choice. The station manager pretty much said

whatever Barbara wants, Barbara gets.

Well, I say she picked herself a winner and then we all go out and celebrate.

Splendid idea.

Oh,

George,

I didn't know you were out here.

Hey, Belvedere.

If you're looking for... that salami you hid in the drainpipe, Wes and I already

got it.

Oh.

You're up rather late, aren't you?

I couldn't sleep.

Oh, it's only natural to be nervous before assuming a new position.

Yeah, real funny.

Oh, it's just this Barbara Collins broad? Mm -hmm.

I think she's got more in mind than me just sitting next to her in a chair.

Oh.

at this. I mean, she didn't actually proposition you, did she?

No, not exactly. It's just I sort of heard she has this reputation.

And where did you hear this?

In gym?

Look, George, you shouldn't pay any mind to this sort of idle gossip.

Yeah, I know. I know.

And in the unlikely event that she does make advances, simply tell her you're

not that kind of co -host.

Thanks, big guy.

didn't find the backup.

Hey, guys.

Honey, what happened to your pants?

Looks like someone's finally off his fashion kick.

Are you kidding?

These are Chateau Latouche jeans. They were pre -shredded in Paris.

Wesley, don't you think you're getting a little carried away with all this

sartorial splendor?

No. And that reminds me, I've been meaning to have a word with you about

sweater thing.

Gentlemen, squawkily.

Yeah, if I were you, I'd check out the Spring Portly Preview.

All right, folks, we're out of time.

Let's hear it for our very special guest, the fabulous Bernard and his

beard of bees.

Listen, Bernie, I'm really sorry about pulling out that bit of honey. I didn't

think it'd get the little bugger so worked up.

Good show today, George, as always.

Gee, thanks, Barbara. I mean, it's a real pleasure to work with a man who's a

little older, more sophisticated than these towel boys they usually straddle

with.

You mean saddle you with.

Whatever.

Anyway, I have been mulling over some great new ideas for the show, and I

thought we might get together and discuss them. Oh, sure.

No, I don't mean here.

No, I thought we could go to my dressing room.

You know, where we won't feel so... inhibited.

Oh, gee, that sounds great, Barb, but I got a sports report coming up in about

eight hours, so I better get cracking.

I mean, you know how hectic things get around here during basketball season.

George, Pittsburgh doesn't have a basketball team.

That's right, and I think it's high time people knew why.

What story do you like best?

Boy Raised by Dogs Wins Best of Show or Productivity Up at Clothing Optional

Steel Mill?

Gee, I don't know, Skip. They both sound pretty tasteless.

Yeah, I know.

God, I love sweeps.

Hi, guys.

Hi, George.

So, how's it going with Cruella DeVille?

I just gotta get out of that co -host thing before she drives me nuts.

Stick to sports, Rebel.

Uh -oh.

Oh, George.

Um, no, as of today, I'm doing sports.

Huh? Why?

Well, apparently, Barbara convinced the station manager that your sports job was

interfering with your co -host responsibilities.

Okay.

That's it.

I'm gonna give that broad a piece of my mind.

I don't think she'll settle for that.

We have to celebrate.

Celebrate what?

George, do you know what's in these envelopes? Alimony?

Fan mail, George.

Lots and lots of wonderful fan mail.

And it's all for you.

Oh, yeah?

You're a hit, George.

People like you. They want to see more of you. I mean, they can feel your

strength.

Your very essence as it comes bursting through that TV screen. They just can't

wait to turn...

you come in here?

I don't remember.

Look, George, I think I know what's troubling you, and I understand

You do?

Mm -hmm.

Being naughty in the dressing room, it's just so tacky.

So why don't we make it tomorrow night for dinner?

No. Say around eight, my place? Forget it.

Which do you prefer, white wine or red?

I'm

Must be white.

Well, this is all my fault. I created a monster.

I presume you're referring to our own little Wesleyo Armani.

You know what he's doing now?

Hanging out at the mall, making fun of the way people are dressed.

I was simply trying to give people a few pointers.

Oh, yeah? Like when you yelled, Hey, babe, you look great in paisley. It

your complexion.

I'm sorry, Heather. Your complexion's fine.

Thank you.

What are we going to do about those hips?

Oh, hi, honey. Look who's here.

Hello, George.

Hi.

So what brings you by?

Oh, nothing much. I just wanted to drop off a little paperwork.

And tell your delightful wife about our plans for dinner tomorrow night. I'm so

sorry I can't make it, but I have an appointment with a client in Harrisburg.

Oh, I can always make it some other time. Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't be

You two, you just go on ahead.

Anyway, I have some paperwork of my own to do, so it was very nice meeting you,

Barbara. You too, Marsha.

Your wife is very attractive, George.

Thanks. Maybe we can find a place for her on the show.

How does Marsha the legal lady sound?

What are you doing here?

Oh, come on. Don't be such a grumpy puss.

Okay, that's it. I quit.

Go get yourself a lifeguard or something. But I'm going back to sports.

Oh, really?

Where? Altoona?

Oh, look, if you expect to do sports...

Else, in this town, you had better play ball with me.

Do I make myself clear?

More coffee, Miss Collins?

Oh, no, thank you. I was just leaving.

Oh, George, see what you can do with this guest list.

We've had another cancellation.

Good night.

Oh, good night.

Good night.

She seems nice.

What am I going to do, Belvedere?

If I don't hit her sheets tomorrow night, I'll be hitting the bricks the

morning.

That certainly is a problem.

Yeah, I am.

And if I were in your shoes, I would simply try to deal with one problem at a

time.

I think we should stop for the guest list.

Morning, Barb.

You were looking for me? Yeah, I got this morning's breakdown. We don't have

guests. Oh, sure we do.

I got a great show all lined up, just like you told me to. All?

Who'd we get?

It's a surprise.

Kind of a theme show dedicated just to you.

Really?

I just wanted to do something to show my appreciation for all you've done for me

and all I'm about to do to you.

Oh, I like the sound of that.

One minute, Miss Thomas.

We'll finish this later.

Barbara Collins Show.

Now, normally, this is where I tell you who my guests are going to be.

But you know what?

I haven't got a clue.

But I think this rascal here has got something up his sleeve.

Ladies and gentlemen, my co -host, George Owens.

Ah, thanks, Barbara.

You know, you've been an institution here in Pittsburgh for 15 fabulous

And I thought, Wouldn't it be great to take a look back with a few special

friends and show the people out there what Barbara Collins is really like?

Oh, George, I don't know what to say.

Oh, you just wait, Barbara Collins, because this is your sex life.

Oh, my God. Steve Savage, aerobics instructor, co -host, 85,

86.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

contract. Anything, I'll type it up myself.

Okay, folks, we're going to take a short break, but don't go away

because we're coming right back.

outfit at Burger Town, so he decked me. I guess when it comes to clothes, I

learned my lesson.

You mean that's all that it took?

I could have done that.

So why are we dressed like this?

I don't know, but you guys look pretty stupid.

Mr. Report, George is now happily back at the sports desk.

His fidelity is still intact.

As for Miss Collins, last I heard, she was the new host of Good Morning

Scranton. I wish the male population of that fine city all the luck in the

world. They'll need it.

As for Wesley, he finally learned that clothes indeed do not make the man.

Although if you wear the right outfit long enough...

It will change you a little.

I'm Ted Koppel. Later on Nightline, when you have them, you take them for

granted. When you don't, they become the most critical thing in your life. Our

focus tonight, human rights.

Tomorrow on ABC's College Basketball, the UNLV running Rebels take on the

Arizona Wildcats live at one.

and sign the consent form so I can go.

Back to Pluto, I hope.

Angela and I want to help the homeless in Pittsburgh, so we're going to

volunteer to shelter downtown.

Uh -huh. Yeah, we're going to cook them breakfast.

I thought you wanted to help the homeless, not kill them.

I think what you're doing is very laudable. Well, we both have been very

fortunate.