All language subtitles for mr_belvedere_s05e06_duel

So they can watch what may be
television's last grand miniseries, War

Remembrance, starting Sunday at 8, 7.

Anyways, I get all my weekends off,
holidays too.

I don't do windows, I don't scrub
floors, and I ain't fixing to do no

mending or patching.

What exactly do you do?

Well, I tell you, I don't mind shooting
varmints.

and I'll hook them up for you.

You ain't lived till you've had my
possum surprise.

I think she's smoking it.

Mrs. Deverschmidt, tell me, have you
ever had any experience around, what you

know, people?

Well, I worked two years at a home for
the criminally insane.

That should come in handy with him.

Mrs. Debra Schmidt, thank you so much
for stopping by. We'll be in touch.

Don't you reckon I ought to leave a
picture so that you folks will remember

which one I was?

I don't think that'll be a problem.

Suit yourself.

I take it that Mammy Yoakum didn't quite
fit the bill.

Gee, I don't know. I kind of liked her.

Of course, I was always a sucker for a
babe with a pipe.

Don't worry, Mr. Belvedere. We'll find
somebody.

Hey, what are you apologizing to him
for?

George. I mean, who the hell ever heard
of hiring a housekeeper to take care of

your housekeeper?

Well, it certainly wasn't my fault that
somebody left their skateboard on the

stairs.

Well, I just left it there for a minute.

You know there's some lady on our front
lawn skinning a squirrel?

Perhaps it was a snack for the bus ride
home.

So you guys find anybody good yet?
You've been seeing people all day.

Really, honey?

Oh, I don't know. I kind of like that
Swedish lady that wasn't wearing any

underwear.

Your dad's the one that pointed it out.

Well, I guess this just goes to show
you're a pretty tough guy to replace.

Well,

I knew you'd realize someday there was
only one Mr. Belvedere.

Is this the O .N.'s residence?

Oh, yeah.

Jolly good.

In that case... I am your new
housekeeper. What?

I'm Mr.

Belvedere.

to our new rival.

Life is more than mere survival.

And we just might live a good life yet.

Excuse me, but did you say your name is
Belvedere? Yes, Galen Belvedere. And do

you two know each other? Yes, we're
cousins.

Looks like the family only comes in two
sizes.

Dear cousin?

Well, we haven't seen each other for a
little while.

No, 20 years to be exact, eh, cuz? Last
time I heard, you were rambling round

Rangoon. Something to do with the
elephant roundup.

Yes, well, the last I heard of you, dear
cousin, you were leaning against a fire

hydrant somewhere other than Pittsburgh.

Well, you know how it is with us
Belvederes. In one minute, it's Kuala

The next minute, it's Steel Town, USA.

put them together after all these years.
What any coincidence?

Yeah. A small world.

It is with you in it.

Hey, this is great.

Now we've got two Mr. Belvederes and
they're both snotty.

Yeah, lucky us.

I take it, Mrs. Owens, that the position
of temporary housekeeper is still open?

Well... Actually, the position has
already been filled.

It has?

Well, I thought Mrs. Depperschmidt had
impeccable qualifications.

Huh? Like what?

Well, um... I thought she looked very
nice in burlap.

Well, that's all right, Cousin Lynn. I
understand.

I'm sorry to have troubled you.

Hey, Woody! You're not going to just
throw your own cousin out on the street,

are you?

Absolutely. Ta -da!

Mr. Belvedere, I'm surprised at you.
Don't be upset with my cousin, Mrs.

He only has your best interests at
heart.

I'm afraid Lynn knows me for what I
really am, an obstinate, opinionated,

-it -all snob.

Gee, that'd be a switch.

Don't be ridiculous, Galen. You're not
going anywhere. You're going to stay

and take care of us and get reacquainted
with your cousin, and I don't want to

hear another word.

Not even...

Held? We English do enjoy a good

cup of tea, don't we?

Yes, almost as much as we enjoy a good
mystery.

Speaking of which, what the hell are you
doing at Beaver Falls?

Why, what on earth do you mean?

Oh, come now, Galen. It was no accident.
You were just popping up like this, so

up with it.

All right.

I'll tell you, but it has to be our
little secret. Agreed? Agreed.

I came here to kill you.

I gotcha.

Galen, I swear... I haven't gotten you
that good since Lord Wilfrid's 10th

birthday party. Do you remember when I
made you snort chocolate milk through

your nose?

It wasn't chocolate milk, you demented
little rugrat.

It was hot salting cocoa.

We did used to have some good laughs,
though, didn't we? Yes, usually at my

expense. Oh, I'm not so sure. What about
the time I woke up and found you'd

mailed me to Glasgow?

I didn't know why you were so upset.

I sent you first class.

Come on, Mr. Belvedere. Time for your
afternoon walk.

I'm coming.

Boy, it sounds like you guys are really
getting along.

Oh, don't you be deceived, Heather. We
still loathe and despise each other.

It's just that sometimes he absolutely
slays me. Well, that's why I'm here.

That's it. I've had it with her.

It's Becky's birthday, right?

And I've been racking my brain for weeks
trying to think of something really

great to get her.

And then it hits me. She loves to bowl.

Perfect. So I get her this, and what
does she do?

She heaves it at me, says it's
unromantic.

Now, does this look unromantic to you?

You obviously felt this gift was novel
and somewhat endearing, while she was

probably hoping for something more
personal and sensitive. I certainly

let my pride get in the way.

Perhaps a dozen red roses stuck in the
finger holes here might work wonders in

softening your fair lady's heart.

Hey, that's great.

Who the hell are you, anyway?

I'm Mr.

Belvedere.

Oh. Boy, that diet must really be
working.

Good morning, Galen.

Good morning, Cousin Lynn. I trust you
slept well in the drawer Mrs. Owens

prepared for you?

Well, not really. It was your underwear
drawer.

I woke up in a pair of your boxer
shorts, thought I was at a lawn party.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Hey, what's that smell?

This is breakfast. We have English
bangers, Irish oats and scotch eggs. I

it my Empire Strikes Back buffet.

You're wasting your time, Galen. The
Owensism or the Pop -Tart mentality.

That's because it's the only stuff you
eat.

Yeah, big guy. You haven't made us a hot
breakfast in a month.

Well, I have been under the weather. Oh,
no. We're under the weather. You're

blocking it.

If you'll excuse me, I'll be in my room.

How are you going to get there? Freight
elevator?

This one is contagious, isn't it?

Hello, I'm Mr. Belvedere.

I woke up in your underwear.

under the weather, you're blocking it.

Evening, Cousin Lynn.

I made you some nice hot chocolate.

No, thank you. My nose isn't thirsty.

I don't blame you for being upset with
me, Cousin.

Just a bit of bunion on the backside of
humanity, that's what I am.

I'll leave you alone.

Are there marshmallows in it?

Little pretty pink and green ones, just
like we used to have as children.

Remember? How could I forget?

Here we go, then.

Oh, thank you.

I brought you something else, too.

Mrs. Higginbottom's bedtime tales.

I remember Grandma Georgina used to read
them to us both.

I'll read one to you if you like.

Oh, would you?

Let's see if we can find a good one,
shall we? Mm -hmm.

Ah, here we are. The Giant and Jeremy
Crumb.

That's funny. I don't remember that one.

Oh, you will.

Once upon a time, there was a tiny
little man named Jeremy Crumb who lived

pumpkin shell.

Jeremy worked very hard at the thimble
factory, but when he came home at night,

he was very sad, for he had no true love
to call his own.

Then one day...

Jeremy met the fair maiden Jane.

Jane was tall and beautiful with hair
like spun gold.

And she loved little Jeremy even though
he only came up to her tuchus.

Then the big fat giant from the land of
lard showed up. He made jokes about

little Jeremy and Jane laughed and left
him and married a Harlem globetrotter

instead.

And little Jeremy swore revenge against
the big fat... flatulent giant.

And now that he's found him, he's going
to carve him up into little bite -sized

pieces and feed him to the bloody crows.

Just as soon as your cast comes off,
cousin, it's you and me at sunrise. I

challenge you to a duel.

And by the way, I hope you enjoy your
cocoa. I put a laxative in it.

Here's some breakfast.

Oh, no, thanks. I'm in kind of a rush
today. I have a job interview.

Hey, that's great, Ma.

Oh, yeah, Marsh? What is it?

A new law firm?

No, actually, I'm going to try out to be
a Pennsylvania mushroom.

A what?

Well, it's sort of like a California
raisin, only it's a little more...

-y.

Oh, what are you going to do, Marsh? Lie
down on a big pizza?

getting enough oxygen?

I wouldn't be too concerned. Some people
just take a little longer to find

themselves than others. But when they
do, they approach life with a whole new

sense of vigor and enthusiasm.

Morning, Cousin Lynn. Breakfast?

I'm not hungry.

Oh, come on now. I made your favorite.
Fried oysters and potatoes.

Oh, yes.

A hangtown fry.

Very amusing, you twisted little troll.

What's the matter, big guy?

You seem a little edgy this morning.

It's nothing. I'm fine.

Well, your legs sure must be getting
better. I must have heard you clomp into

the bathroom 500 times last night.

Yes, well, my new reader's digest came
in yesterday.

Besides that, my legs all swelled up
again, so there.

Oh, come on, guys. We're going to be
late for school.

Yeah, take it easy, Mr. Belvedere. Yeah,
big guy, don't let things get you down.

And remember what they say, cousin?
Today is the last day of the rest of

life. No, that's not it. You mean today
is the first day of the rest of your

life. Oh, yes.

My mistake.

He'll kill me.

He'll kill me now.

He'll kill me.

Hey, Mr. Belvedere! You know that idea
you gave me yesterday about the flowers

and the bowling ball and stuff?

Well, I did it, and it worked great.
Becky went absolutely nuts.

Hey, you're big again.

We're home.

I see that.

It was great, Mr. Belvedere. Galen
picked me up from school, and we went to

neat medieval surplus store. Look at all
the stuff we got.

We got these neat dueling pistols, some
swords, some ninja Death Stars.

We even almost got a flamethrower.

Unfortunately, they didn't have a pair.

I was beginning to feel a chill.

Come on, Galen. Let's go out and try out
the crossbow.

Galen said he can shoot the wings off a
fly at 200 yards. Just imagine what I

could do with a larger target.

I just think what I could do with a can
of rave, you rancid little...

I took it off.

But your leg isn't better yet. Well,
it's not perfect, but it'll do.

Huh? Do what?

Wesley, tomorrow morning at sunrise, my
cousin Galen and I are going to have a

duel.

A duel to the death.

Oh, come on. You expect me to believe
that?

Not really. Good night.

afraid my cousin's convinced that I
slighted him some years ago, and now he

demands satisfaction.

But you can't fight Gale, and he's
better than you.

I mean, he's little and fast, and you're
big, and... Not so fast. Be

that as it may, Wesley, I am an
Englishman, and I prefer death before

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to try
and figure out this thing.

Here. What on earth's this?

A bus ticket.

Oh, my.

All the way to Akron.

I would have sent you farther, but
American Express called in my card.

Don't worry, Wesley. I'll be gone soon
enough.

Yeah, as soon as you blow a few holes in
Mr. Belvedere. Well, the choice of

weapons is his. I'm merely getting them
ready.

Hey, I mean it. I don't want you hurting
him.

I'm sorry, Wesley. There's nothing I can
do.

Once... Certain events are set in
motion. They become unalterable. You

reverse them.

I'm talking about man's destiny and the
forces of the universe.

Yeah, well, we'll see about that.

The forces of the universe haven't been
up against Wesley T. Owens.

I feel like I'm wearing a straight
jacket.

Maybe you better get used to it.

Oh, congratulations.

Mrs. Owens, I'm sure you'll be a fungus
Pennsylvania can be proud of.

Thank you, Jalen.

Hey, uh, what's with the monkey suit,
little guy?

Looks like you're going to a funeral.

That certainly is a possibility.

Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Owens, I must
apologize. There may be some

morning, but rest assured, as soon as
it's over with, I'll be on my way.

Keelan Belvedere, I assume you're
challenged.

What?

Oh, I get it. It's funny outfit day.

Just a minute, you tin -plated
teenybopper. You can't accept my

Oh, yeah?

That's not what it says here.

Miss Manor's Guide to Combat Etiquette.

It says right there on page 57.

In the event the primary opponent
becomes ill or incapacitated, his duly

appointed second may replace him on the
field of honor. Wait a minute. He's not

incapacitated. He told me his leg was
fine.

Come on, Mr. Belvedere. Just a few more
steps.

Yeah, they're easy. I think something
may be broken.

Malinger, a big faker. You're even
limping on the wrong leg.

Uh -oh.

I couldn't explain the Louisville
slugger imprint on my left shin.

Could somebody please tell me what's
going on?

It's Galen. He never really wanted to be
our housekeeper. He just came to kill

Mr. Belvedere.

What? In a fair fight, of course.

We were going to have a duel earlier
this morning.

That was before Vlad the Impaler came
along and took me out to the lineup.

This is ridiculous. I will not have two
grown men dueling to the death on my

carpet. Tough talk from a toadstool.

Owens, we promised to limit the
bloodletting to the patio.

We were going to do it on the grass, but
we thought Galen might get lost in it.

I'd rather get lost in it than graze in
it, water buffalo.

Shrimp boat.

Cubby the tuber.

Tickle old Pete.

You see, idiotic jokes like that
poisoned the mind of my fiancée and

against me.

Fiancée? What fiancée?

This fiancée here.

You were engaged to Gail Storm?

Gail Storm? That's Gwendolyn Fitzmorris.
Fitzy? That's not Fitzy. Fitzy had red

hair. No, she didn't. Yes, she did. No,
you're thinking of Wanda Grigsby. She

had red hair.

No, Wanda had no hair, you little twit.

She lost it at that fresher
demonstration, remember?

Oh, yes.

Well, all I know is I was going to marry
somebody and then you waddled over and

ruined the whole thing.

Wait. That's the Guy Fawkes dance.

You... You mean that...

Grog guzzling fiasco way back in 63.

So you do remember.

I remember pulling off Lady Ashley's
leg.

I was just asking her to marry me. Oh,
really?

You told me you were climbing for
coconuts.

Whoops.

Whoops?

You mean I almost got killed over some
babe you guys can't even remember?

Yes, and I appreciate that.

Yeah, but that's not the point.

It's not.

No, all my life this man's been
insulting me, belittling me, treating me

some kind of freak. I demand
satisfaction.

Very well, Galen, if you insist upon
this madness, I'll do my best to

accommodate you. Fine. But before we
draw a bead on one another, I think you

should know that it was never your size
that inspired my insults, but your

stature. What?

You are the most aggravating person I
know.

Achievement for achievement, exploit for
exploit, insult for insult.

You have managed to one -up me my whole
damn life, and it makes me so mad I can

spit. Oh, sorry.

And all this time, I thought it was
because I was little.

Galen, you're the biggest pain I know.

So does this mean you guys are calling
the duel off? Are you kidding?

I wouldn't miss this for the world.

confused. Just play.

Not so sure. I think they're pretty
happy with the Belvedere they've got.

And where are you off to now?

The road to Mandalay?

Timbuktu?

Akron, actually. Someone who's kind
enough to give me a ticket.

I hear it's the bowling capital of the
world.

Yes.

Perhaps you could get a job there as a
pin.

Well, I'll be going.

Needn't see me to the door.

I won't have to see you at all after
tonight.

Cousin, all differences aside, if ever
you should feel like returning to

England, there'll always be a place for
you at Belvedere Castle.

I appreciate that, Galen. Truly.

Just give me two weeks' notice.

I'll have the drawbridge reinforced.

now that my impish cousin Galen is gone.

I never thought I'd say it, but I almost
miss the little twit.

It's always so nice spending time with
your family, even if they are out to

you.

Anyway, I shouldn't be too depressed.

After all, I still have Wesley.

I may not have the insult, but I'll
always have the injury.

Critic Tom Shale says it's tremendous
television. We may never see anything

it again.

It's war and remembrance.

Continuing Sunday at 9, 8 Central and
Mountain on ABC.

Wendy pulls a fast one on her father. A
fake boyfriend stands in for her.