Original subtitles

Coming. Hey, Carl.

What took you so long?

Hey, I'm getting ready for our ski trip. Trying to perfect my form.

So you don't fall off the ski lift like last year.

Hey, I was stung by a bee.

A winner be.

Whatever. This is a lot safer.

Ferrari Carathon?

What? It's a contest of custom coaches.

It's kind of like a marathon. See, everybody puts their hand on a brand new

Ferrari. And then you wait.

And the last one left wins the car.

Carl, this is even stupider than the time he tried to fill up that Volkswagen

with eggs.

If I'd remembered to set the emergency brake, I'd be in Guinness today.

Forget it. You're not going to talk me into this.

Kevin, picture homecoming weekend.

Picture an ocean of blondes clamoring for a ride.

Picture me on fresh powder.

Fine.

Hey, break a leg.

upstairs and take off some of that makeup.

But it's the same as I wear every day.

Yeah, and I don't think that's enough.

You can bum it to school.

You watch your attitude, young man.

More coffee, Mrs. Owens?

Oh, no, it's bitter.

Hmm.

She always used to have a second cup.

Something wrong, Mrs. Owens?

I don't want to go to work.

Problems at the legal hut?

Yesterday, I spent three...

hours preparing a will for a woman who's leaving everything to her parakeet.

Ah, but so few parakeets have adequate pensions to see them through their

years.

That's not what I went to law school for. Oh, come now, we must all endure a

little drudgery in our jobs.

The key is to stay careful.

Oh, by the way, Mr. Belvedere, I volunteered you to bake 800 cupcakes for

junior high carnival in Carlaw.

Fine. Come on, Wes, I'll drop you at school.

See you, Mr. Belvedere. Goodbye, Wesley.

I forgot my lunch.

I didn't.

When you drop, kick your jacket.

As you came through the door, no one glared.

According to our new rival, life is more than mere survival.

And we just might live a good life yet.

Well? Huh? Huh? Huh? All right, all right. It's a hot car.

But, I mean, look at all these people. What chance do I have?

Twice as much as anyone else.

What? If we act as a team, then if either one of us wins, we can share the

Eh, come on, it's a waste of time.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Are you in the contest?

Oh, well, I... I'd do anything for a man in a Ferrari.

I want this car.

Welcome to Custom Coaches Ferrari Car -a -thon!

Can't you just feel the excitement in the air? One of you is going to drive

in the creme de la creme on the road today.

Oh, and here's a kiss for good luck.

I'm not a contestant. Who cares?

It's fun to be the judge.

Let's go over the rules.

One hand on the car at all times. No exceptions.

No crazy glue.

And I just hope your kidneys hold up.

All right.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

Any questions?

Boy, are you dumb.

That's one down.

Um, Mr. Seferik, why do you want to sue the President of the United States?

The feds are giving away.

I'm sorry, I can't help you.

So what am I going to do with all the crackers I bought?

Mrs. Sepharic, your suit has no basis. I can't take your money.

You can't take my money?

What kind of a lawyer are you?

Legal Hut, over one million served.

I have your revised will right in front of me.

Now, the fourth revision states that you want to leave all of your party dresses

to your daughter, Cindy.

Oh, I see. Now you want to leave them to your son, Amos.

Yeah, the parents are always the last to know.

Oh, you want to come in tomorrow with more changes?

Yes? Marsha, this is Mr.

Hodnett.

Hello, Mr. Hodnett. Could you please come to my office?

Mr. Hodnett.

Marcia, I want you to know I've had my eye on you.

Actually, both eyes.

And I have some exciting news.

They're transferring... Marcia?

Mr. Hodnett, you were saying?

They're transferring me to the head office.

I'm moving up to the big time.

Congratulations, Mr. Hodnett. They need people like you at Three Mile Island.

Of course, I will. need a replacement to run this office.

Guess who I have in mind?

Hint, hint, hint.

Me?

Why, you are sharp.

I don't know what to say.

Oh, don't say anything.

Look around you, lucky lady.

All this is yours.

Hey, Westman.

What do you got there?

It's for school. I'm making a time capsule. So far, I've got a baseball, a

week, and a pair of Mr. Belvedere's bikini underwear.

Hi, everybody.

Hey. Hi, Mom.

Hello, Mrs. Owens. How was your day?

Oh, fine. I did some casework, got a promotion, drafted a couple of wills.

What's for dinner?

What was that, a promotion?

Oh, it's nothing. They want me to run the office.

Hey, Mom, that's great. I'm so proud of you.

So does that mean you get to fire people and embezzle money?

Nice to have a role model, isn't it, Wesley?

It's no big deal.

So I guess you'll be getting a raise, huh, Mom? I suppose.

Gee, I'd love to go to Fort Lauderdale for spring break.

Not till I get my new 10 -speed.

Hey, let's not get greedy.

Besides, your old man needs a new set of golf clubs.

I say this calls for some champagne.

All right.

Not for you.

You're the designated driver.

We missed

you at your promotion party.

Oh, no thanks.

I don't feel like champagne.

It's flat ginger ale. It seemed more fitting.

Mr. Belvedere, what would you say if I told you...

That I don't want this promotion?

I don't understand.

You would? Of course.

It's a new challenge, and you may not be feeling up to it.

That's for sure.

I remember when I was summoned to Buckingham Palace to serve the Queen.

Up to then, I'd only served two Viscounts and an Earl.

Not a very crisp parallel, is it?

My point is, change is good for the soul.

Yes, I guess it is. Of course.

And if you put your mind to it, you can do anything you want.

And I just may.

52 ,000 bottles of beer on the wall.

52 ,000 bottles of beer. Carl. If one of those bottles should happen to fall.

51 ,999... Carl!

What? Will you shut up? We're not coming home from summer camp.

Boy, someone sure got up on the wrong side of the fender this morning.

Uh -oh, someone's in trouble. He's fading fast.

He's down to the headlights. He's bounced off the bumper.

Better luck next time, pal.

Just three more to go.

Hang in there, Kev.

Okay.

Belvedere. My name is Dan. Hi, kids.

How's school?

Well, I got a D on my trig test.

And I got detention for hiding in the towel basket in the girls' locker room.

Oh, I've got the best kids in the whole world.

If you're trying to break the children's necks, could you let Heather go?

Good morning.

Honey, you just get better looking every day.

What's with Mom?

It's very simple.

She's talked to me, and now she likes work again.

Hey, when are you going to take my order?

Keep your shirt on, Mac. We're breaking in a new girl.

Hiya, cutie. Babs is my name and waiting's my game.

cheeseburger and then the cheeseburger with fries hold the lettuce oh okay

johnny nicks that she wants a sea burger hold the rabbit food don't forget the

shoes you'll get the hang of it

movie last night. There's this couple and they're in love and they're making

in the park.

Then this monster comes out of the pond and squishes their brains out.

Don't be a lady one.

Morning. Hey, Marsh.

You up for a dinner and a movie tonight?

Oh, I can't, honey. I have to work a double shift.

A double shift at a law office?

Oh, yeah. We're swamped. It's our deposition day's blowout.

Kids, you notice anything funny about your mom lately?

Not really, except she's been acting kind of immature and wearing weird stuff

and being sort of a ditz.

Maybe she's pregnant.

Don't look at me.

Oh, Mrs. Owens, forget something?

Oh, thanks, Mr. Belvedere.

I don't know where my head is.

No, it's certainly not in there.

Then we start the bus to break home.

Oh, I do.

But I did it all. So I did what I had to do and now I have to go to work to get

more.

To do.

See ya.

dared to go before, now get off me.

You know, you have an attitude problem.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you have a stink problem.

You guys friends?

We used to be. We were going to share this car.

Not anymore.

Hey, that is fine with me.

Well, if I win, I'm going to sell it.

Huh?

Well, I've been out of work for over a year now, and I've got to get my family

back on its feet.

Gosh, that's too bad.

I mean, my wife was carrying the load for a while.

Until the accident.

The accident?

Yeah.

And it's so tough with seven mouths to feed.

Amy, Joey, Tina, Ricky, Jimmy, Terry. Of course, it'll marry soon.

Yeah, you forgot happy, sneezy, and dopey.

Come on. This is a snow job. You just want us to feel sorry for you.

You don't have any seven kids or a wife that's been in some big, tragic

accident. Joe!

Joe, I finally found you.

What are you doing here?

Oh, honey, I wanted to surprise you.

If I win this car, then we can afford your artificial hip.

Who needs a hip when I have a man like you?

Hey, Belvedere.

I just went over to Legal Hut to surprise Marcia.

They said she quit last week. George. Where the hell has she been going every

day? Well, don't give me that.

She's stepping out on me. I assure you, you're jumping to conclusions.

Oh, yeah?

She's acting like a kid.

She's real happy.

And she's covering up something.

What else could it be?

Maybe she's become a young Republican.

What am I going to do?

I know.

I'll confront her.

No, first I'll find out who the guy is, and I'll break his face, and then I'll

confront her.

No. Maybe I'll have an affair of my own.

Then I'll break the guy's face, and then I'll confront her.

Yeah, that's it.

What am I going to do?

Well, if I was as upset as you, I'd know what I'd do.

What? Get a cheeseburger.

Hey, Johnny, dress me a pig, wash the dish rag, and stir up the worms.

Now you're talking.

Thank you.

Hey, what is it with you, Belvedere?

My marriage is on the rocks and all you can think about is stuffing your gut.

George, just sit down and relax.

Oh, my God.

You know, this reminds me of a place I used to take Marsha when we were going

out.

She'd always order the meatloaf and...

I get liver and onions.

How could it happen right under my nose?

The Ringling Brothers Circus could happen under your nose.

Oh, waitress, will you take our order?

Hold your horses!

Nice going, Babs.

Babs?

Well, hi, George.

Mr. Belvedere.

Can I tell you about the special?

And forget the specials. What are you doing here?

I work here.

Well, you're supposed to be a lawyer.

I was.

I mean, I am.

I'm... But what happened to legalhood in your promotion?

Haven't you ever worked really hard for something and once you've achieved it,

it's just a big letdown?

I have.

It happened when I got to the top of Mount Everest and found a 7 -Eleven.

I'll be over there.

George, I always dreamed of being a lawyer.

Defending the underdog. Making people's lives better.

But working at Legal Hut? That's not law.

In fact, it should be against the law.

Well, if you hated it so much, why didn't you tell me? I just couldn't.

Not after all the sacrifices you made putting me through law school.

It wasn't so bad.

So what if it set us back 30 grand?

And you weren't around when the kids needed you.

And we had to go out and hire Belvedere. And then couldn't get rid of him.

You have a right to be mad at me.

I'm not mad.

To tell you the truth, I'm kind of relieved.

Why?

Well, with all your sneaking around and stuff.

You know.

Belvedere thought you were having an affair.

George.

That's so sweet.

So, what's the deal?

You gonna be a waitress now?

Not forever, but I need a little time to get my bearings, and, well, this does

help pay the bill.

What do you say we call it a draw and I'll get each of you a hot deal on a new

minivan? What do you say?

Go for it, Carl.

Minivan's about your speed.

Owens, I'd rather die before you get this car.

Have a heart. This tuxedo was rented.

Hang in there, Joe.

Think of Amy and Joey and Tina and Ricky and Jimmy and Terry.

What about little Mary Sue?

I'll have to tell you after this was over.

She's an angel now.

Kev, what if they're on the level?

Who cares?

Look at us.

We've become animals.

We don't care about anybody but ourselves.

You're right. I'm so tired. I don't even know who I am anymore.

Still my best buddy.

Carl, look, I'm really sorry about the way I've been acting.

Me too.

Oh, guys, that's beautiful.

Why don't you boys shake hands?

Put it there, pal.

Mr. Belvedere will be right back.

The Israeli once wrote, everything comes if a man will only wait.

He obviously never tried to win a Ferrari.

But Kevin is a good sport.

And I'm sure he'll feel better about things in a week or two after he wakes

Speaking of waiting, Marsha seems quite happy doing just that.

At least for now.

It might seem incongruous for a lawyer to find satisfaction as a waitress, but

as I always say, whatever turns you on.

and gobble later on Nightline TV crime shows that turn their viewers into

informers. A useful public service or a seedy new form of vigilantism.