Original subtitles

It was.

If you're looking for change, I already got it.

What are you doing, honey?

Nothing, just looking for my snake.

Hey, Mr. Belvedere, if you were a snake, where would you hide?

That's funny.

I've often asked myself the same question looking for you.

Come on, it's Captain Nemo. He got out of his glass bowl.

I'm sorry, I haven't seen him.

What's that?

It's kielbasa.

A Polish sausage.

For a minute I thought it might be Captain Nemo.

Wesley, I'm not in the habit of eating people's pets.

What about that rabbit I got for Easter?

You were tired of him anyway.

Hey, kitten.

Back kind of early.

Uh -huh.

How was your date with Danny?

Oh, great.

Hey, Heather, did you do Son of Mike's snake?

No. I know you hate him because he likes to sleep in your underwear drawer.

I know is Danny Kelsey, and I never want to see him again.

Gee, I guess her evening didn't go so well.

Ah, she'll be all right.

I mean, the guy's just some scuzzy -faced pimple ball anyway.

So I told him, get your hands off me, you scuzzy -faced pimple ball.

And then, like usual, I took the bus home.

Anyway, diary, that's all for tonight.

Like Scarlett O 'Hara said in the Cliff Notes, tomorrow is another day.

But sometimes things get turned around and no one's fed.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that we can get.

According to our new arrival, life is more than mere survival.

We just might live the good life yet.

Ma 'am, would you... Captain Nemo!

Captain Nemo!

There are few things as touching as a boy and his snake.

Boy, he's never stayed out all night before. It's just not like him.

I'm sure he'd call if he had hands or money.

Sorry.

Well, maybe he'll get hungry and come slithering home.

Uh, hey, hey, Wes. How about you and me, we go down to the lake and we find you

a nice turtle.

They won't run away.

Turtles aren't any fun.

I want something that's gonna crawl into bed with me and wrap itself around my

leg.

Who wouldn't?

Psst. You alone?

Why? I got Heather's birthday present.

I don't want her to see it. Spoil the surprise.

if you're sailing on the good ship Lollipop.

She's only 16. She's not a little girl anymore.

Well, she is to me.

It seems like only yesterday I was running alongside trying to teach her

ride a two -wheeler. And you let go then?

Well, only because I ran into a tree.

Ah, that explains it.

downtown. Oh.

Yeah, it's really weird. All the stores are right on the street, and when you go

outside, there's no roof or anything.

So, uh, did I get any phone calls?

Oh, yes.

Danny called.

Oh, yeah? Did he call to say he was sorry?

No, he called to say he won't be coming to your party.

I don't believe this.

Danny and I went together for almost two whole months.

There'll be plenty of other boys.

Yeah, and the same thing's gonna happen with the next guy.

We'll be sitting in the drive -in, and he'll say, Gee, babe, if you like me so

much, why don't you prove it?

And you know what I always do.

The right thing?

Yeah, and it's all your fault for bringing me up so good.

Thanks for nothing.

It's been two days since I broke up with Danny, and I thought I'd never get over

him. But that was before I met Em.

everything that other boys aren't.

Sensitive, mature.

His eyes sparkle like the stars at twilight and are bluer than... than Mr.

Belvedere's face when he got that marshmallow stuck in his throat.

What you writing, Heather? None of your business.

I bet you're writing about what you did to my snake. Leslie, get it back to me.

Problem? Yeah, Barfrain said my diary.

Give it back, Barfrain.

me. Huffnagle's window.

Good boy.

Now go and take out the garbage.

Oh, Kevin.

Oh, what's all this stuff?

Oh, just a few decorations for your sister's party.

Oh, cute.

As Captain Nemo...

to the ship oh you mean wesley snake i don't think so well until he does he

might enjoy this it isn't real kevin

oh right i knew that are you all

right yeah i'm fine kevin

do you know anything about captain nemo's

Yeah,

I did it.

I hate snakes.

Oh.

I mean, Wes was always carrying that stupid snake around, shoving it in my

I just couldn't take it anymore.

So I took his bowl out and I dumped him in the woods.

Last time I saw him, he was crawling toward the turnpike.

Wouldn't it have been simpler just to tell Wesley that you're afraid of

Hey, I can't do that. He's my kid brother.

He looks up to me.

Hi, guys.

Hello, Wesley.

What's that?

Oh, just a little substitute for Captain Nemo. Quite realistic, don't you think?

Yeah, sure.

This wouldn't fool anyone.

Mr. Bellahaker told me you're up here.

So, I heard about you and Danny. Did you guys really break up?

Yeah, but it's okay. I mean, I realize he really is just a jerk.

You're right.

So is it okay if I go out with them?

Sure, Ange.

Who's W?

Huh?

Oh, I mean M.

Oh, just somebody I met.

Oh, yeah? Who?

Oh, just a guy. I don't think you know him.

So is it serious?

Well, I don't know.

I'm thinking of letting it get serious.

Real.

Wow.

Then maybe you're the one who should be taking these.

Angela, those are birth control pills. What are you doing with those?

Nothing bad.

I read that if you take them sometimes, they make your chest grow.

Angela, that's stupid. You shouldn't be taking them.

Can't I just take one and see if anything happens?

seen less, ma 'am? Yeah, I think he's still crawling around looking for his

snake.

Oh, so listen, uh, your pop's sort of having a tough time coming up with a

present for you.

I was thinking of one of those cute little stuffed penguins you liked.

Dad, I gave those away when I was 11.

Oh, right, kitten. I guess I forgot.

You know, there is something you could do for me.

Oh, what's that, kitten?

I was thinking maybe you could stop calling me kitten.

Oh, you mean at your party with all your grown -up friends around?

Yeah, and after that, too.

I mean, I'm going to be 16. I'm not a kitten anymore.

Sure.

I understand.

She is so predictable.

Hey,

Wes, what are you doing in here?

Nothing.

Wes, that's your sister's diary.

Yeah, well, she did something like snake, and I'm going to find out what.

Look, Wes, this is your sister's personal property. So you just keep your

out of it.

Yes, sir.

Besides, there's nothing in there about Captain Nemo anyway. It's just some junk

about this guy who's gonna drive her to some place called Ecstasy and make her a

real woman.

What are you doing?

Oh, just getting the menu ready for the party.

Ding -dongs? Oreos?

Scooter pies?

Those are for me.

The children are having lobster Newberg.

So, uh, how many people are coming?

Well, according to the guest list, approximately 25.

24 if Sean Penn can't make it.

Let me see this.

Is this all of them? Mm -hmm.

You sure there's no Mike or Mark or Melvin coming?

Why?

Look, did Heather ever mention some guy with the initial M who makes her heart

melt and her flesh tingle at the thought of his touch?

No.

But I used to feel that way about Mitch Miller.

Now, what's this all about, George?

She's seeing some guy, and I think she's thinking about...

doing something with them. How do you know? Did you read her mind?

No, I read her diary.

I didn't want to, but it's a good thing I did.

I mean, she's writing stuff like she's gonna give herself to this jerk body and

soul.

Look, I don't know who Andy is, but I'm sure whatever Heather wrote about him is

nothing more than harmless romantic fantasy.

Hey, this game is tough. I can't get any of the balls back into the right days.

and put that back in your mother's medicine chest.

I didn't find him there. I found him in Heather's room.

Is she back yet?

No, George.

She's probably with that M guy right now.

George, she just went to get her hair done.

That's it.

Mr. Maurice.

The guy who does her hair.

to go up and get changed.

Heather?

So, um, see, we haven't had a chance to talk.

I mean, since the last time.

Oh, well, if it's about Danny, you don't have to worry. I'm over him.

Oh, that's good.

Is something the matter?

Look, honey, you know, we've always told you that there's nothing you can't talk

to us about.

Right.

Joe, if there's anything you feel you need to get out into the open... We're

here.

Well, last week I smoked a cigarette.

Oh.

Is that all?

I smoked it after sex.

Listen, Heather's party's starting pretty soon, so Mr. Belvedere wants you

sit in the woods.

Sure. But if you want, we could go to the mall or something.

I'll take you to see that horror movie. You know, the one Mom wouldn't let you

see. That's okay. I went with Dad.

Besides,

I'm not going anywhere, just in case Captain Nemo comes back.

Yeah, listen, Wes, about your snake.

There's something... I didn't even think I'd miss him that much.

It's not like he's a dog or anything, except he sort of was.

I mean, I'd put out my hand and he'd slither up my arm and across my neck and

kind of tickle my nose with his tongue.

Sometimes I could almost smell the dead bugs on his breath.

I guess you miss him, too.

I'm her father.

Who are you?

I'm Joe.

That's with a J, right?

Right.

Okay, you can come in.

Emery with an E.

Okay.

Thank you, sir.

Where's Heather?

Oh, she wants to wait until everyone gets here so she can make an entrance.

Yeah, well, I haven't found him yet.

He's going to show up sooner or later.

George, we will get to the bottom of this, but let's do it the right way and

ruin her party, all right?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Well, I'll go back and see if I can hurry her up.

Hi. Is this Heather's house?

Anybody ever tell you your eyes sparkle like the stars at twilight?

Mr. Budweiser, this is where we hide.

Party Angela.

Oh.

Heather didn't tell me that when she invited me.

Oh, yes, of course. She tells you a lot of things, doesn't she?

Uh -huh.

Things like which boy she likes, what she wants for her birthday, or where

she got these.

You know, I really enjoy your sports report on Metro News.

Oh, thanks, Emery.

I sure wish Heather would come down. She promised me the first dance.

Yeah, hold your hormone.

Hey, Em, toss me the pit, will ya?

Em? Yeah, Emery. Em, that's what they call me.

Something the matter, Mr. Rollins?

I'm looking at your eyes.

They're blue, aren't they?

Yeah, but also nearsighted.

I believe Angela may have cleared things up.

Yeah, well, so have I.

Hey, hold it, Em.

You're the guy, aren't you?

Pardon me? You're the one who makes my little girl tingle.

Well, you're going to be tingling pretty good yourself in a second. Who's yours?

Daddy, what are you doing?

Hey, I'm sorry it had to come out like this, but I know all about you and Em

here.

Em?

You read my diary. How could you?

Hey, look, why don't we all go... Well, look, you don't have to worry. He's not

M.

Also, who is?

Nobody. I made him up.

Huh? Well, what about those pills?

You didn't make them up.

George, those belong to Angela.

It's a rather long and moronic story.

Oh.

Well, I guess your old pup kind of...

Blew it.

No, I think it's great.

I mean, I'm 16 now. If that's the kind of stuff you think I'm doing, then I

don't want to disappoint you. Heather. Well, come on, Em. Let's get it on.

Gee, I was only expecting the first dance.

I'm back.

Hello, Heather.

Everybody left, huh?

Yes, shortly after Angela's male stripper arrived.

Unfortunately, his performance paled in comparison to your father's.

Yeah, well, I'm going to bed.

Oh, I've kept you some birthday cake.

It's in the kitchen. Oh, no thanks.

You know, a certain person put a great deal of effort into that cake.

You got it at the bakery.

I didn't say it was me.

I had a feeling he'd be in here.

I didn't know where else to hide.

After me.

Because we knew you were just upset.

Anyway, we trust you.

Yeah, sure.

Now.

Look, I know I did some stupid stuff I shouldn't have done.

Snooping in your diary.

Embarrassing you out there.

I'm sorry.

Well, if you thought I was doing something, why didn't you just ask me?

I don't know. I was afraid maybe you'd tell me and it might be something I

didn't want to hear.

The thing is, you're growing up and I'm getting a little scared.

Dad, don't you think I am too?

I mean, why do you think I broke up with Danny and made up all that stuff in my

diary about him?

Nothing's going to happen to me with him. He's not real.

I don't want to get pregnant or get some awful disease or any of that other

stuff that can happen to you.

I guess it must be pretty tough being a kid these days.

Yeah. I just wish I could be 25 and married and through with all this junk.

Or maybe you could go back to being 12 when your old pop was the only man in

your life.

I'm being stupid.

No.

Well, good night, Dad.

Good night.

Happy birthday.

I felt kind of bad, you know, about him losing his snake, so I got him another

one.

That was very nice, dear.

It's nothing, Mom.

Hey, look who's back.

It appears that Captain Nemo has returned.

Hey, now you got two snakes, Westman.

Huh? It's just a little surprise from Big Brother.

although it appears the best gift she received was a closer relationship with

her father.

Meanwhile, as we await the arrival of the Nemo quintuplets, Kevin has

taken up residence in the attic.

I wonder if I should tell him about the bat.

I'm Jeff Goff. Later on Nightline, the Soviets had never seen anything like it

in modern times.

Criticism of their leaders.