Original subtitles

handsome porcelain pit bull is a signed and numbered edition now offered by the

Hamilton Mint in its Vicious Pets of America series.

Call 555 -BITE.

That's 555 -BITE.

Operators are standing by.

I think I'm gonna get it.

You sure it won't scare the glass poodles?

I've gotta do something to get my mind off this stupid bard, Sam.

Hey, look, you studied real hard and I know you passed it. Right.

Anyway, ordering vicious knick -knacks isn't going to get the letter here any

faster. I know, I know.

But listen, if you really want to get your mind off it, I got a little idea.

Yeah, that might kill a few minutes.

Come on, Mr. Belvedere. You can't eat the last cupcake.

It's not fair.

All's fair in loving junk food, sir. Buzz off.

Mom, Mr. Belvedere eats all the good stuff, and I never get anything.

Nonsense, Wesley.

I left you an unopened carton of prune yogurt.

Did you guys hear something? Maybe it's the mailman. Hey, Marsha, take it easy.

Hey, Mom, look who we ran into.

Oh, my God, it's the mail.

Is there anything for me?

Yeah, and it looks pretty official.

You are due for a checkup and cleaning, Dr.

Mendelbaum. That's funny.

Oh, then there's this one from the State Bar Association, but it's addressed to

a Ms.

Marsha Cameron.

That's it.

What do you call yourself that for?

It's her maiden name. I think it's very feminist. I think your mother would like

to see that.

Oh, what an interesting stamp.

Thank you.

I can't.

The board of bar examiners is pleased to inform you that you have passed the

July 1987 bar exam.

Board records also indicate that you meet character requirements and thus

met all requirements for admission to practice law in the Commonwealth of

Pennsylvania. Well,

I don't know what to say except I could never have done it without you behind

me. I love you guys.

So are we going to go out and celebrate?

Yes, in anticipation of this moment. I cleverly neglected to prepare dinner.

Great. Let's go out for pizza. My treats.

You too, big guy.

Now that we're a two -income family, I think we can afford it.

China, never matter for who cares.

When you drop, kick your jacket.

As you came through the door, no one glared.

According to our new rival, life is more than mere survival.

And we just might live a good life yet.

Morning. Good morning, George. Would you like some eggs?

No, thanks. I'll just have some of that pizza from last night.

That's not the proper breakfast.

You're not giving the children a very good example.

Yeah, yeah.

Besides, I ate it already.

Hey, listen to this.

It says here there's 35 homeless people living outside the mall.

Well, maybe we should send them some food or blankets or something.

Yeah, Mr. Belladier, why don't you send them one of your sweaters?

Are they going to wear it or live in it?

Well, I'm all ready for my first interview.

How do I look? Hey.

great. Yeah?

Yeah, you look just like Miss Steckler, librarian.

Except her bun is bigger.

Wait, Mom.

You look great. You just need to loosen up a little. Hmm.

There.

Thanks.

It's just that Dawson, Metcalf, and Bach is one of the best firms in the city,

and I want to make a good impression.

Well, then maybe one more time. Zip, zip, zip.

Zip. Wish me luck.

You're going to knock me down. And remember, if you get nervous, just take

deep breath and think of England.

I've never been to England.

Then think of Altoona, but don't take a deep breath.

Morning,

Kevin. Just in time for breakfast.

Oh, no thanks. I'm late for school. I'm just going to have some of that pizza

unless somebody got to it first.

Was that supposed to be funny?

Another little joke about my weight.

Another portly pun.

Sorry. Now, let me tell you something.

I've had it up to here.

Or out to there.

That's right. Yuck it up while you can.

Because as of now, I'm going on a diet.

I see here, Miss... is, Cameron, that you graduated from the University of

Pittsburgh. Yes, sir.

That's right down the block, isn't it?

Now, what kind of law did you intend to practice?

Why, United States law.

I think what Mr. Dawson means is in what area of the law do you hope to

specialize?

Oh, well, I think I would be fairly open in that. I'd be willing to pursue any

area where I was needed by the firm.

So you're saying you have no preference whatsoever?

I guess I'd prefer whichever one makes the most money.

I see that you graduated in the class of 278. Who did you place in that class?

It wasn't exactly in the top ten, but it wasn't in the bottom ten either.

Which ten were you in?

I was 76.

You don't like the trombones?

Thank you, Miss Cameron, for coming in. I think we have all the information we

need. Can I just say something in my own defense?

I wouldn't advise it.

It's just that this is my first interview and I'm a little nervous. But

you'll just give me the chance, I know I can make a real contribution.

We'll certainly keep that in mind. Good day, Miss Cameron.

Sorry I'm late. I got held up in court.

The tennis court, but don't tell them that.

Our wayward partner, Doug Metcalf.

Hello. I take it the Sunshine Boys have been raking you over the coals.

Oh, no.

Everyone's been very nice.

Really. Well, she certainly has the makings of an attorney.

She can lie with a straight face.

Goodbye, gentlemen.

Come on, Dad.

Oh. Okay, I'm moving.

Here.

Ha -ha, I jumped you.

Here's the milk.

It's a lot more fun playing with cookies.

Hey, Bella, you want next game?

We can use ding -dongs.

Have your little fun, but I'm sticking to my diet.

Hi, guys.

Hey, honey.

Hey, Mom, did you get a job yet?

Not yet, honey.

Come on, Marsh, it's only been a couple of days.

Oh, no.

But every interview is the same thing.

If you didn't graduate from Harvard or Yale, they don't even want to talk to

you. The only place that's half interested in me is at the mall.

And I won't work someplace called Legal Hut.

Miss Cameron?

Metcalfe, Dawson, and Bach?

Hello?

Yes, this is Marcia Cameron.

Oh, really?

Yes? That would be fine.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

You start tomorrow.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, Kev. How's the road work going?

Pretty good.

Never knew Mr. Belvedere could run so fast.

up to the donut a couple of times, but I just kept pedaling faster.

All right.

Give it to me.

It's mine.

Say, that's a pretty stazzy running suit, big guy.

Thank you.

Yeah, me and Wes picked it out for him.

I don't know why, but it got quite a reaction along the jogging trail.

Come on, Mr. Bellier. Time to do your sit -ups.

Very well, but I have to get my mineral water first.

I'll be down in a minute.

No rush?

I've got all that research you requested on the Cerunian case.

Oh, great.

Now I suppose I have to read this junk.

Well, actually, I've already gone through most of it. The pertinent

marked with the red paper clips, and I took the liberty of summarizing some of

the longer sections for quicker reference.

Very impressive.

I think you've just won yourself a trip.

Hmm? I'm arguing this thing next week in Philadelphia. I figure somebody should

be there who's familiar with the case.

Oh, well, that's fine.

I should be done with all my Xeroxing by then.

Listen, I have meetings in the morning.

Why don't we go over all this, say, tomorrow at lunch?

Certainly. Go ahead.

I'd just like to say how grateful I am for this opportunity, and I'm sure I

won't let you down.

I'm sure you won't either.

Hello, Mr. Belvedere. Hello.

Can I have a snack before dinner?

Certainly. Yeah, I went to that donut shop on the corner. Went out of

Yeah, the third one since you went on your diet.

Yes, I know.

I just got a nasty letter from the Small Business Administration.

I gotta hand it to you, Mr. Belvedere. You're really sticking to this thing.

It's quite easy once you know the trick.

Hey, all the food's gone.

That's the trick.

Anyone for more kelp?

I'm still working on my tofu croquettes.

This isn't fair. First you get rid of all the good junk. Now we can't even

a regular dinner.

We're having brown rice pudding for dessert.

I'm sorry the rest of you have to suffer.

But I have found that willpower alone isn't quite enough.

We understand, big guy. And it won't kill us to eat healthy for a while.

gang?

I promise you, it's only temporary until I get down to my fighting weight.

If he's not a sumo wrestler, we're in big trouble.

Come home.

Hey, Mom, how was work?

Yeah, did you put any scum back on the street?

Not yet, honey.

Sorry I'm late for dinner.

No, you're not.

So, Miss Cameron, you a partner yet? No, not yet.

But they do want to send me out of town already.

Huh? Yeah, I'm supposed to go to Philadelphia with Mr. Metcalf on

a couple of days. And nights.

Oh.

But if you have a problem with that and don't think I should go, I won't.

Hey, you're a lawyer now, and you gotta do this sort of stuff, and I just gotta

get used to it.

Thanks, honey.

I mean, what'd you think?

Old George wouldn't let you go out of town to help some guy with his briefs?

Mr. Belvedere, what are you doing?

Watching the Huffnagels eat.

They're having baked ham with what appears to be raisin walnut sauce.

What are you looking at, pervert?

They were just about to start dessert.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I'll be out of town for a few days.

Was it the kelp?

I'm going to Philadelphia.

I've been asked to help one of the partners try a case.

Well, and in your first week, they must have big plans for you.

I think one of them does.

Mr. Belvedere, what would you do if the man you were working for started to make

advances?

I'd simply say, George, I'm not that kind of housekeeper.

I take it someone thinks that Philadelphia could be more than a

Mr. Metcalfe, I just don't know how to handle it.

Very simple.

Just tell him you were hired for a legal expertise and not your bedside manner,

and he should remember that.

Thanks anyway.

They were out of soda, so I got us a couple of these.

They had beer on the vending machine?

No, there were a couple of conventioneers down the hall.

No, thanks.

You sure? I thought we'd toast your first day in court.

I think I better keep a clear head for tomorrow.

I didn't do so well today.

Hey, you did just fine.

Anybody could have tripped the bailiff.

I don't think the judge was too crazy about me either.

She's just jealous because you look better in black.

Um, anyway, a dug -up Parker versus Fox. I think it'll help us prove negligence.

Um, what's this say here? I can't quite make it out. What?

This. I can't see it.

Then why don't you come over here?

Why don't you come over here?

Why don't I go over there?

Room service.

Since we were working late, I thought I'd order us a little snack.

Would you like to open the champagne, sir? No, that's okay. I can take it from

here.

Thank you, sir.

Very nice.

The only thing missing is the blindfolded violinist.

He called in sick.

Don't. I thought we liked each other.

At least I like you.

Look, Doug. I mean, I really think you could turn into one hell of an attorney.

Together we could do some real damage.

And I want to keep working with you.

But I'm not interested in any of this.

Then why did you take the job?

What do you mean?

Well, there were... Two dozen applicants, Marsha. You don't think

by being 76th in your class.

You know, like the trombones.

I was hired because I'm a good lawyer.

And because I convinced Mr. Dawson and Mr. Bach that I would be an asset, make

real contribution.

You didn't even come in till the end.

Okay, maybe you had something to do with it.

But if you're under the impression that I would ever be anybody's little Miss...

Jolly time?

Well, you can correct that impression right now, or I am on the next plane

to Pittsburgh.

I'm home.

Hello, Mrs. Owens.

Don't mind me. I'm just sifting through the ashes for weenie remnants.

I didn't think you were back until tomorrow.

Oh, well, uh, remember that situation we were talking about?

Yes. Things sort of got out of hand, so I took an earlier flight home.

I see.

May I ask you one question?

Sure.

Did you happen to bring back a bag of those honey -roasted peanuts?

Forget it, Belvedere. They're mine.

George, it's me.

Hey, what are you doing back?

You win the case already?

No, but I lost my job.

Huh?

What happened?

Well, I'll tell you, but you have to promise not to get upset.

Okay, I promise.

You won't try to take revenge?

Okay.

Remember that joke you made about helping Mr. Metcalf with his briefs?

Yeah.

That's pretty much what he had in mind.

Oh, really?

Judge, take it easy.

Nothing happened.

Oh.

So, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I guess I knew all along I didn't get the job for my brains.

I just didn't want to admit it to myself.

I am so stupid.

Even to think for a second that a law firm like that would be interested in

someone like me.

Hey, counselor, I don't want to hear that stuff.

I mean, you're going to be a great lawyer.

And if Huey, Dewey, and Louie don't know a good thing when they see one, then

somebody else will.

I'm ready for work.

Hey, you look real nice in your blazer, Mom.

Yeah, and if things don't work out at the legal hut, you could always sell

houses.

Okay, the car's all warmed up. Everybody ready? What's going on?

Well, it's your first day at work. We all want to go to the mall with you.

Aw, that's very sweet, but you don't have to.

We do if we want something to eat.

Breakfast, everyone.

We're having curds and low -cal whey.

Save it for Little Miss Muffet.

We're going out for pancakes.

Yeah, we're through with eating this slop.

What about me? I haven't lost enough weight yet. Yeah, well, we have. I lost

pounds. I lost 15.

Yeah, if this keeps up, I'm going to have to start wearing suspenders.

I didn't realize.

Anyway, what's the big deal about being a few pounds overweight?

Yeah, Mr. Belvedere, we like you just the way you are. Yeah.

Then why do you make all those jokes?

Because we like those, too.

So, come on, Belvedere, why don't you forget the diet and give us all a break?

All right, but I'm only doing it for the sake of the children.

Well, what are we waiting for? Let's hit those pancakes.

Maybe we better call ahead and make sure they got enough batter.

Mr.

Belvedere will be right back.

Marsha has successfully completed her first day at Legal Hut.

And she's already acquired her first client.

Someone is suing Corndog City after he swallowed the stick.

At least that's what she thinks he said.

As for my diet, I've made an agreement with the family.

I'm limiting myself to three meals a day, and they're limited to three

wisecracks.

As a gesture of goodwill, George even bought me one of those new talking

Remind me not to get that fixed.

Tonight at 630, Mallory's plan to join a sorority backfires on Family

Time. Then at 7, Hawkeye and the troops open their hearts and tents to Korean

orphans on Nash.

Now, Janet tells her visiting mom that she and Jack are married.

Three's Company, next on Fox 11.

Here you are on your first day of kindergarten in your cute little polka

dress. I look like Petunia Pig.

Yeah, but you were...

Our petunia pig.