Original subtitles

Here we go, George.

Your bowl of lucky charm. Ah, thanks, Belvedere.

Hey, where's all the marshmallows? In my cocoa.

Morning. Morning, Kevin. Anything to breakfast?

No, thanks. I'm going to be late for school.

Oh, listen.

What do you think of the earrings? Too much?

Not if you're one of the Marvelettes.

What a kidder, huh?

And you were worrying about your marshmallows.

Just a second, young man. You're not going out looking like that.

That's better.

Is this something I should know about?

George, it's for his fraternity initiation.

Yeah, they're not allowed to get us drunk or torture guys anymore, so now we

stuff like this.

Oh. For a minute there, Kev, I thought maybe the cheese had fallen off your

cracker.

Dad, don't worry.

Anyway, I better get going.

These panties keep riding up.

Never met her before.

Who cares?

When you dropped your jacket, as you came through the door, no one glared.

According to our new rival, life is more than mere survival.

And we just might live the good life yet.

I think I still am.

Come on, Mr. Belvedere. This is what I'm going to do for the school talent show.

Oh, dear.

It's the only talent I've got.

Except for my burping.

Wesley, there must be something entertaining you could do that doesn't

bodily function.

Like what?

Oh, I don't know.

How about some magic tricks?

I don't know any.

Can you juggle?

No.

How about flame?

eating. The snowing kid's already doing that.

Actually, I did get this book on ventriloquism. It looks too hard.

Oh, I don't know about that.

Wow, that's great. Your lips hardly moved at all.

Thank you, Wesley.

It's a little trick I picked up while I was dating Shari Lewis.

So you think you could teach me to throw my voice?

Certainly, Wesley. As long as the rest of you goes with it.

Yeah, if I knew they were going to make us clean, I would have worn the

pantsuit.

Right, Carl.

All right, ladies, ladies, you can put your mops down.

I have a little announcement to make.

Since you guys have been such good sports, the brothers here at Phi Eta Pi

decided to reward you with a little party.

Great. I've already got a date with a football player.

Sorry, Owens, but you have to bring a girl.

gentlemen, you have to bring a very special girl.

Because this Friday is going to be Phi Aida's annual Bowser Ball.

All right, all right, all right. Knock it off.

And listen, if you guys expect to get into this place, we better see some

pooches.

Hey, what's he

talking about?

What, are you supposed to bring a dog or something?

Yeah, the kind with two legs.

You see, you go and find the worst -looking girl on campus, and then you

her to the dance.

I think that's how my dad met my mom.

Well, I'm not doing that.

Come on, Kev. Anyway, what are you supposed to do? Go up to some girl and

Hi, you're pretty ugly. Want to party?

That's pretty good.

Can I use it?

lots of personality.

And you have more personality than anybody I know.

Well, that's very flattering of you, Wesley.

But I hope you can capture my considerable wit and charm. Oh, sure.

Hey, guys.

Who's the dummy?

I was just about to ask the same question.

Not bad.

Oh, hey, Carl. So, did you find one yet?

What are you talking about, Carl?

A sweat hog.

Geek. Trollette. Hey, look, I already told you, I'm not doing that.

You want to get in, don't you?

Yeah, sure.

Well, you better find somebody before all the good ones are taken.

Listen, I've been checking out the girls' track team. They've got this

shot putter with more hair on her arms than she's got on her whole head.

Sounds terrific.

Yeah, if only I can get her to like me.

Listen, Kev, you do what you want, but just remember, we didn't exactly set the

world on fire in high school, and now we got a chance to get into the best frat

on campus, and I'm not gonna blow it. Shh.

Excuse me, but this is a library.

I think I'm in love.

Yeah, that's it.

Anyway, I'm Audrey Munson. Oh, hi. I'm Kevin.

So, how'd you do on that first test?

Not so good.

I only got a 97.

Everything go okay at school?

Yes, everything went okay at school.

Are you sure?

Chemistry experiment.

Here. I filled in your lab book, too.

Come on, Audrey.

How am I supposed to learn this stuff if you keep doing everything for me?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm it next time.

Besides, we are lab partners. We're supposed to help each other. Right.

What is it?

Oh, nothing.

Well... I was just thinking of this girl, Wendy, I knew in high school. She

to give me her notes, too.

Was she a girlfriend?

Oh, no, no, nothing like that.

I mean, I did take her to the prom, but that's a long story.

Can I remind you of her?

Oh, no.

Well, I mean, she was a real nice person, too.

Well, well, let's go.

We're done.

Charming young lady. Oh, uh, Audrey Munson, Dwayne Bennett.

Dwayne's one of the brothers at Phi Eta.

Nice to meet you.

I suppose we'll be seeing both of you at our little soiree this Friday?

Oh, no, no, I'm not taking her.

Oh?

Personally, I don't think you could do any better.

Um, listen, Audrey... Oh, it's okay. I have to study anyway.

Besides, you probably already have a date. No.

I don't.

Listen, I would have asked you, but it's just a stupid fraternity party. I mean,

you know how they are.

Fine.

So, you want to go?

No natural complexion. Just said that.

Knock it off, Wes. You're going to be late for school.

Okay. And apologize to your sister.

I'm sorry, Heather. I didn't mean to call you an oatmeal face.

It's okay.

Yeah, so more like a pizza face.

Wesley!

Morning, family. Knock it off.

I stepped on it.

I take it you're getting ready for tonight.

Yeah, I'm getting real good, too. Pretty soon my lips won't move at all. Yes,

and neither will the rest of you.

Hey, Mr. Boulder.

No dress today, Kevin?

I laid out your mother's pink taffeta.

You've been accepted into I Ate a Pie?

It's Phi Ate a Pie.

And no, not yet, but I'll be a -shoeing after the dance tonight.

Oh, that reminds me. Your friend Carl called while you were in the shower, and

he told me to tell you that the Bulgarian said yes, and he could rent a

trailer if you want a double.

Thanks. No need to explain.

Good.

Mr. Belvedere, have you ever heard of a geek party?

You mean like the Republicans?

No, see, it's part of my initiation.

All the pledges are supposed to bring the worst -looking girl they can find.

That's despicable.

Who are you taking?

I didn't want to take anybody.

But I met this girl, Audrey.

And this guy, Dwayne, mentions the party while she's standing there.

So now if I don't take her, she'll be hurt because she'll think I don't like

her. But if I tell her she shouldn't go because it's a geek party... She'll

still be hurt because she'll think I think she's a geek.

So I figured the best thing to do is to not tell her, hope she doesn't notice,

and hope nobody notices her.

I may go upstairs and lie down.

Kevin, you can't do that to people. It's just not right.

Come on, Mr.

Belvedere. It'll be fine. I mean, we'll stay ten minutes. She won't get her

feelings hurt.

And I'll get to be in the fraternity.

Yes, Kevin, I'm sure everything will work out perfectly.

Just as these things always do for you.

You better get ready or we'll miss your brother's talent show. I'm not going.

Oh, come on, kitten. It'll be fun. Right, Belvedere? I'm not going either.

I'm all ready to go. Is everybody excited?

Yeah, honey, we're very excited because we know that you are going to entertain

us and all the other mommies and daddies in an amusing yet socially responsible

way, right?

Oh, sure I am, Mom.

But I don't know about him.

You dance very well for a communist.

Duh.

You dance good, too.

Thanks. Maybe later I can leave.

See, I told you it'd be boring.

You want to go to the movies?

We just got here.

Hello, Owen.

Hi, Dwayne.

Audrey, right?

Glad to see you finally came to a census.

Thank you.

Oh, you guys all know Gwen?

Hi. Hi.

Gwen's majoring in agriculture.

But you probably already guessed that, huh?

Listen, we're going to go mingle.

Okay, you kids have fun. And remember, the trough's open if you get thirsty.

What's with them?

I don't know.

Hey, how about a dance?

Sure.

Well, how about a little break?

Sure. You know, you don't have to dance with me every time. You could ask

somebody else.

Why would I want to?

You know, if you hadn't brought me here, I'd probably be at the library where I

usually am on Friday nights.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm having a really nice time.

You want some lunch or something?

Oh, I'll get it. You rest up. We're going to dance some more.

Hey, Kev.

Oh, hey, Carl. How's it going with Katrina?

I'm not sure, but I think we're engaged.

We go upstairs now.

Play hide the babushka.

It's a real nice party, huh?

Yeah, it's all right.

It doesn't touch last year's, though.

One of the pledges brought a real pig.

Um, Dwayne seems real nice.

How long you guys been dating?

What?

You haven't figured it out yet, have you, kiddo?

Figured what out?

This is a Bowser ball.

You know, a hog party.

All the pledges are supposed to bring the biggest losers they can find. It's

a big joke.

When I was first asked to one of these, I felt kind of hurt.

But then I figured, what the hell?

Beats sitting around the dorm all night waiting for pizza to come.

Besides, these guys get enough punch in them, the girl might get lucky.

So, is that mine?

Hi, guys.

Look, Audrey, I feel real bad about what happened. Fine, forget it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have our homework to finish.

Come on, Audrey, you've got to believe me. I didn't really want to take you to

that thing. Oh, what happened?

Godzilla stand you up?

Look, it's just, we were sitting here, and Dwayne came over, he started

his mouth off about the party, and you looked hurt because I wasn't taking you.

I didn't know what else to do.

You know, it's funny.

Except for Duane, I'm the prettiest one here.

You're such a jerk.

No. No, you're not. Oh, don't worry. I'll get over it.

Every dog has his day, right? So I guess I'll have mine. Come on, Audrey. You're

not a dog. You think I am. No, I don't.

I think you're a really nice person. Someone I like being with.

Is that why you looked up at me the very first time?

I looked at you because I thought you might be someone I could take.

Well, thanks for being honest. No, I kept seeing you. Yeah.

That was for my homework.

Oh, right.

Look, it's okay.

I mean, I guess you being honest makes it easier for me to believe some of the

other things you said.

The nice things.

Yeah, and I meant them.

Well, looks like they're closing up. We better get going. Yeah.

I gotta get up early tomorrow and pick up my trophy.

What trophy?

Oh, chem club had a contest to see who could find the stupidest lab partner.

I won.

It was a total disaster, just like you thought.

Oh, I can't take all the credit.

I'm sure you did your part, too.

Anyway, I decided not to join that stupid fraternity.

I figure, why hang around with people who bring out the worst in you?

Yes, that's the way I feel about Wesley.

What is it with me, Mr. Belvedere?

I mean, every time something goes wrong, I always say, okay, whoa, that's it.

I'm never going to screw up like that again.

But I always do.

I know it's frustrating, Kevin.

But you do learn from these experiences.

And I'm sure someday, when a difficult situation will present itself,

you'll do exactly the right thing.

You really think so?

Well, maybe not in my lifetime.

And probably not in yours either.

We're back.

Well, how was Wesley's little talent show?

insulting all of us, but everything's okay now.

Oh, my. What happened to the rest of me?

A certain person didn't like my joke, so they pulled me offstage and tore you

limb from limb.

George doesn't think that was a bit extreme.

She did it.

Well, good night.

Mr. Belvedere will be right back.

You know what? Just flat over, Dave.

Dateline, the Owens household.

Kevin, never the quitter, is now pledging a new fraternity. At least I

He left the house this morning wearing a tutu and combat boots.

As for Wesley, through some Frankensteinian technique, he's managed

back together again.

And he's now resumed tormenting the household.

But not to worry.

Next time he gets on my nerves, I've got a little something of my own up my

sleeve.

Hello, Wesley, you insufferable little sponge head.