Original subtitles

Kevin, you're home early. Have you seen my address book?

Oh, there it is.

Goodbye, Gregson.

So long, Cindy.

Drop dead, Dana.

Wasn't Dana your date for tonight?

She was until she saw her old boyfriend at the snack bar. I said, all right,

babe, who you with, him or me?

Looking back, it was stupid to give her a choice.

I don't care, because as of right now, I'm through with women. And that

their dumb phone numbers.

Well said, Kevin.

Thanks. Too bad that was your mother's address book.

As you came through the door, no one bled. But sometimes things get turned

around and no one's fed.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that we can get.

According to our new arrival, life is more than mere survival.

We just might live the good life, yes.

Thirsty?

No, I'm doing this to get my Junior Pioneers achievement badge.

In what? Bladder control?

No, it's for recycling.

Oh.

Thing is, there are hardly any cans in the trash, and to get my badge, I gotta

collect at least a hundred pounds of aluminum.

Wouldn't it be easier just to rip the siding off the Huffnagel house?

See ya. Wesley!

I'm no good at this junk.

We'll have to join the stupid club anyway.

Oh, now look, Wesley.

Let's look through your manual and see if we can't find something suitable.

Okay.

Now, let me see.

Archery? I think not.

Gardening?

Pottery?

Hey, what's that stuff with the flag?

That is called semaphore, Wesley.

It is a system of communication.

where flags are held in various positions to indicate different letters

numbers. Oh, yeah?

Yes. You see, if your ship was in trouble and it had no radio, you could

to another ship for help like this.

S -O -S.

See? Wow, you know this stuff?

Well, actually... Well, that's a stupid question. You know everything.

That's true.

you could teach it to me?

Certainly.

Yeah, but we'll start first thing in the morning.

Great.

How the hell do you do this stuff?

Hey, Marcia.

Want to go outside and play?

No, thanks.

You want to stay inside and play?

Listen, I'm going to be home late tonight. I'm going to do deliveries.

You don't usually work on Saturday.

Well, what's the matter, champ? No hot date tonight?

No hot date ever. I'm giving up women.

Oh, yeah?

I decided I'm going to concentrate on my job and getting ready for college, and

that's it.

Okay, honey.

See you guys later.

Poor kid.

Forgot how frustrating I can get at that age.

Mr. Clark.

Who? Your chicken.

Oh, just a second.

Come on, lady. I haven't got all night.

Hi. Oh, hi.

Uh, come on in.

Just put it on the table. I'll get my purse, okay?

Okay. It's gonna be $7 .50.

We ran out of the buttermilk biscuits, so I threw in a couple of corn cabettes

instead. Yeah, that would be very thoughtful.

Sure.

Don't you usually work the drive -up window?

Yeah. The regular delivery guy got food poisoning.

I didn't recognize you. I guess I'm used to seeing you with that silly chicken

hat on.

Right. Well, they don't like it to wear it on delivery. It scares people.

Okay. No, that's okay. This is for you.

Oh, thank you, ma 'am.

Well, enjoy your chicken.

Is it still raining out?

Oh, no, it cleared up if you're thinking of going out.

Oh, no, I was, but...

I mean, just stay home, wash my hair.

You mean women actually do that?

I always thought it was just an excuse so they wouldn't have to go out with me.

Is that why you're working on a Saturday night?

I just don't know what it is. There's something about me and women. It's like

the harder I try, the worse I do.

It's too bad.

I'm just going to concentrate on college and my future and the hell with girls

and dating and... all that junk.

I'm Kevin.

Hi, Kevin.

I'm Sharon.

Hi.

Across and across.

Down and down.

So how was that? Could you tell I was saying no and go for help?

I was ready to call the police.

Of course, in your case, I'm always ready.

I'm having a little trouble going from H to E.

Yes, well, what you've got to do is to just... To do it a little more crisply.

What do you mean crisply?

I mean more crisply, Wesley.

With crispness.

You better show me.

Yeah, well, I think perhaps we've done enough for today.

Oh, come on.

Very well, Leslie.

Let's see.

H -E -R -I.

sometimes yeah all right

very

nice evening sure

yeah me too well I hope I can see you again sometime aren't you coming in

oh yeah that's what I meant I just didn't know it's gonna be so soon

to make some coffee?

Oh, no, that's okay.

I'll just take a soda or something.

Why are you whispering?

I just don't want to wake your parents.

I wouldn't worry about that.

They live in San Diego.

All right.

Here you go.

Oh, thanks.

So, I really like the restaurant you took me to.

Oh, yeah, it was great.

Except for that... smart aleck waiter oh i'm sure he didn't mean it when he

brought you the children's menu yeah well he's lucky i like the humpty dumpty

platter you don't mind me doing that to you

That one's for George.

Is the coat clear?

Morning, Kevin.

Have a nice date?

Yeah, it was pretty good.

Not to mean better than pretty good.

Your sweater's on inside out.

Mr. Belvedere. I mean, Sharon's smart and beautiful, and I'm going to see her

again tonight.

She sounds delightful.

When do we get to meet her?

Never.

Well, the thing is, I don't know how Mom and Dad would react to her. There's a

little difference in her age.

Oh, she's older than you.

She's older than Mom.

Well, no, not quite, but I don't think I'm ready for anyone to meet her just

yet.

Look, Kevin, maybe it's none of my business, but I don't think sneaking

around... is the best way to start a relationship.

Hey, I know what I'm doing, okay?

That's reassuring from someone who can't get dressed in the dark.

Morning. Morning.

Hi, honey, how was your date?

Oh, you know, the usual.

Sorry to hear that.

So are you going to see her again?

I don't know, you know. Oh, Kevin, didn't you mention something about

Sharon tonight?

Huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah, right.

Well, why don't you bring her by tonight, champ?

Gee, Dad, I don't know. Oh, just stay for a little while. We'd just like to

her. Yeah, and I could make some nice treats for you and your little friend.

It'd be fun.

Thanks.

Nah, nah, Miles.

That's not how you do permission to come aboard.

It's not?

No, Mr. Belvedere showed me. It's like this.

Hello, Heather.

How's Wes doing with his little flag?

Oh, wonderfully.

He's learning the stuff faster than I can make it up.

Huh? Heather, may I take you into my confidence?

Sure.

You know, when it comes to semaphore, I don't know diddly.

What do you mean?

Well, it's just that Wesley assumed that I did, and although I tried my best, I

simply can't get the hang of it.

You mean Wesley's... out there learning a bunch of junk and it doesn't even mean

anything?

Yes.

And when he goes for his badge, he's probably going to be humiliated in front

all of his friends?

I'm afraid so.

I love it.

Oh, boy, little weenie. Hands off, Buster.

They're for company.

Who's coming?

Well, Kevin's bringing over his new girlfriend.

Oh, yeah? Maybe we should serve dog this year.

Hey, knock it off, guys. Come on.

Thus. Hi.

Hi.

Sharon, this is my dad and my sister Heather, my little brother Wes.

Nice to meet everyone.

Are you one of Kevin's teachers?

Hello. Hi.

You must be Kevin's mother.

Yes. And you must be Sharon's older sister?

Mom, this is Sharon. Sharon Rogers.

I'm very happy to meet you. Have a seat.

Kevin, maybe Sharon would like something to drink. A glass of wine?

No, thanks.

Then I'd like some.

Fine.

Bring the bottle.

Don't you two have something to do?

No.

Oh, she means you two guys.

Sharon, how did you and my son meet?

Kevin delivered some chicken to my apartment, and things just sort of went

there.

That's very nice.

So, what'd you get? The regular or the extra crispy?

Look, uh, this is awkward for me also.

When Kevin invited me over here, I just assumed he told you how old I was.

No, he didn't.

The point is, Kevin and I have gone out, and we've had a lot of fun together.

But that's pretty much it.

Really? Uh -huh.

That's good.

For a minute there, we thought that there was something more to this than

you know, dinner and a movie.

There was.

Hello, everybody. Getting acquainted?

Yeah.

Look, Kevin, I think we better be going.

Oh, yeah, right.

Good night. It was nice meeting both of you.

Tramp.

Marcia, sitting there stewing like that isn't going to do any good. I know, I

know.

Slut.

Hi, guys.

Where have you been? Do you know what time it is?

Yeah, it's a little after 11.

Okay.

Hey, look, champ, I think it's time we had a little talk about you and Sheriff.

Hey, I know. I kind of sprung her on you. But once you get to know her,

going to think she's terrific.

I'm sure she is terrific, but maybe not for you. Oh, Mom, please. Kevin, look,

we know what's going on. You're only 18. You're too young to get involved with

all of this.

So what are you guys saying?

Jeff said we'd think it'd be a good idea if you and Sharon cooled it for a

while. Till when?

Till you're 30.

I'm tired.

Hey, wait a minute, pal. We're not finished talking. Honey, honey, we just

want to see you get hurt.

You're still in high school. You should be out with your friends, not getting

mixed up with someone twice your age.

What about you and Dad?

Huh? I mean, where'd you find Mom? On the swings?

All right, that's it. End of discussion. I absolutely forbid this. Hey, you

can't keep me from seeing Sharon. Oh, yeah?

Well, you won't be seeing her or anybody else, pal.

You're grounded.

Uh -uh.

Look, Sharon and I have something really special going, and I'm not going to let

you or anybody else ruin it.

Hey, Mr. Belvedere.

Morning, Miles.

Is Leslie ready? Our test day. We don't want to be late.

That's what you think.

Before you leave, there's something I've been meaning to say to you.

Okay, but I want to say something first.

Oh?

I mean, I wanted to quit the Pioneers after the first week, but you wouldn't

me. You made me stick to it, and you taught me something I never thought I

learn. So I'm going to get that badge today, and I'm going to bring it home to

you.

That's very nice, Wesley.

So what do you want to say to me?

Just good luck.

Thanks.

I mean... Thanks.

Thank you very much, ma 'am. Have a nice day. Thanks.

Kevin?

Oh, hi. Hi. Come on in.

You hungry? I just ordered a pizza.

Oh, no thanks.

So, what's going on?

I've moved out.

You did?

Yeah, it just seemed like the right thing to do.

Where are you going to live?

Here.

I tried to call, but I guess you weren't home.

No, I was at work.

Oh, yeah?

So, how was your day?

Look, Kevin, I don't know if this is such a good idea.

Well, what is it?

You're moving in.

Why not?

Well, for one thing, there's not a whole lot of room around here.

Well, that's okay with me. I like it cozy.

Look, Kevin.

I have my own life.

I might want to have someone else over.

What do you mean, like a girlfriend or something?

You mean another guy?

Listen, Kevin, I just... Yeah, I wondered why that pizza guy was here.

Do you and Pepperoni Pete have a good time?

What are you talking about?

Look, I just walked out on my parents because they said this was stupid.

But I told him that we meant something to each other and nothing was going to

come between us. Kevin, it was just a date. What do you mean, just a date? We

slept together.

So? So I never did that before.

Really?

I didn't know that.

You didn't?

Thanks.

Look, Kevin.

When you showed up that first time, dressed in your little chicken outfit,

talking about how you'd given up on women, I had just finished breaking up

someone and was feeling pretty much the same way myself.

Yeah?

And you made me feel a whole lot better when I really needed it.

And I will always remember you for that.

Well, I guess that's something.

Well, look, I better get going before they run out my room or something.

Sure.

Look, Kevin, I didn't mean to hurt you.

Oh, no, it's all right. I just got a little carried away.

I mean, it was my first time and everything.

I guess I just figured I had to be in love.

Maybe I would.

Need some help?

No, I guess I pushed these leaves around long enough.

So, did you forget your toothbrush?

No. I'm back.

Things didn't quite work out.

It's too bad.

Yeah. Anyway, I'm sorry about the way I acted last night.

Okay.

Especially that crack about you meeting Mom on the swing.

I was upset. I didn't really mean it.

I know, Jim.

That's why you still have your teeth.

So, you all right now?

Yeah, I guess.

I know I'm a couple of days late with this, but... You got anything you want

ask about?

No, not really.

Except why do I always have to make everything so complicated?

I mean, other guys, they just love them and leave them.

Why can't I do that?

Because you're a decent, sensitive kid who wants more from somebody than just a

quick roll in the hay.

I guess you'd take after your mother.

Hello,

Wesley.

Would you like a cookie? They're fresh from the oven.

Are they crisp?

sitting there watching everybody else who signals and I'm thinking, boy, what

bunch of dopes. They don't know what they're doing.

Then me and Miles start doing our message and everybody starts laughing.

The teacher said it wasn't semaphore we were doing. It was more like the hula.

What'd you do this for, Mr. Belvedere?

What was it? Some kind of joke to give me back for all the rotten stuff I've

done to you?

Look, Wesley, the fact is I don't know a bloody thing about semaphore.

You don't?

But when you assumed I did, I had too much pride to tell you the truth.

Oh.

I'm sorry, Wesley.

That's okay. I guess you didn't mean to screw me up.

And from now on, I promise you, if I don't know something, I'll come right

and tell you.

Okay.

Do you know karate?

No, Wesley, I don't.

Oh, that's too bad.

Because Miles' dad does, and he's coming over in about five minutes.

Nice.

Kevin's first encounter with an older woman has left him a bit bruised, but

apparently none the worse for wear.

He's already back to being rebuffed by girls his own age.

Meanwhile, my disastrous journey into the world of Semaphore...

along with a brief visit from my old father, had taught me a valuable lesson

humility.

Contrary to popular belief, I now realize I can't do everything.

But

I'm

getting close.