Original subtitles

Hey, Mr. Belvedere, want to play some cards?

Not now, Wesley.

Oh, come on. How about a little war?

Try Afghanistan.

Hey, what you reading, a book?

Murder at the Palace.

I bet the butler did it.

Not yet.

But soon.

We make up all the leads.

That was quick.

Yeah, it's easy if you know what you're doing.

Dad dumped them all in the Huffnagle's yard.

It's their stupid elm tree. Besides, the wind shifted.

Hey, Kev, want to play some cards?

Uh, sorry, Wes. I gotta go wash up.

Hey, Dad, what about you? A little go fish?

I'll let you cheat.

Not now, pal.

Why don't you ask Mr. Belvedere?

He's not doing anything.

Well, if nobody's gonna play cards with me, I guess I'll just go burn...

tell her.

I'm sorry. You can tell my mother.

What do you think, Mom? Isn't that great? I just wish you'd have asked me

I knew she'd say no. I'm not saying no.

I'm just not convinced you can handle a job and still keep your grades up. Sure

I can.

Yeah, I mean, her grades aren't that good to begin with.

Mom, it's only part -time. It'll be good experience. I'll finally learn

responsibility.

I don't know, honey. Come on, Mom. Trust me for once, okay?

All right.

Thanks, Mom. Believe me, I know what I'm doing.

So, what are they paying you?

I forgot to ask.

Mine.

Mine.

Mine.

Not yours.

Oh, boy, it's a war.

Come on, put down three cards.

Simple -minded, pointless game I have ever had the misfortune to play.

So teach me one of your games.

No. Oh, come on. I can learn.

All righty.

What do you say to a little gin?

Great. I'll go get the glasses.

It may come to that.

Drinks on the China.

Never met him before.

Who cares when you dropkick your jacket? As you came through the door, no one

bled. But sometimes things get turned around and no one sped.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that you can get.

Life is more than mere survival.

We just might live the good life yet.

Now remember, Wesley, the object of gin rummy is to fill your hand with three

meld. Do you know what a meld is?

You mean like a tuna meld?

A meld is three or more cards of the same numeric value or consecutive value

the same suit, such as five, six, seven of spades. Understand?

I think so.

I know it's a bit complicated, but I'm sure you'll get the hang of it

eventually.

Do I go first?

Yes, Mr. Belvedere dealt, so you discard first.

Gee, I don't know.

I guess this one.

Now, Mr. Belvedere wants that card, so he can take it.

And put this one down.

Now, can you use that card in your hand?

I think so.

Jim.

That is what you say, isn't it?

Yes, but usually not so soon.

You've got to help me. I've been to every record store in town. You're my

hope. Well, what are you looking for?

Robert Mitchum sings Calypso.

Do you have it? Oh, yeah, we did, but I sold the last copy ten minutes ago.

Oh, God, this is a nightmare.

Wait, we've got Joey Bishop sings Country.

Oh, everybody's got that.

Everything all right out of here?

Fine, Mr. Trigger.

Angela, I need you to price these albums.

I'd say this one's worth three dollars.

Amber, would you take care of this for me?

Oh, sure.

Now, I have to go downtown.

I have to go to the bank. I'll be back in 20 minutes.

Don't worry, Mr. Chagger. We can handle things.

And remember our return policy.

There are no warped records.

Only warped people.

Oh, no. Look who just walked in. Oh, yeah. It's Mark Anderson. He is so

gorgeous.

Go wait on him. No, you go wait on him. I can't. He's too cute. I'll throw up.

Looking for anything special?

Oh, yeah. I was looking for the new David Lee Roth album, but I can't seem

find it.

Oh, yeah. It's not here. Mr. Traeger keeps in a special section under noise.

I'll go get it for you.

You're Heather, right?

Oh, yeah. That's me.

I'm Mark. I go to Van Buren, too.

Really? Yeah. I'm quarterback on the football team.

All right. I guess I didn't recognize you without your helmet.

Here you go.

Thanks. Come on, I'll go check you out.

I mean, check this out.

Oh, that is a great soundtrack.

Yeah, I already got it.

Have you seen the movie?

Yeah. I mean, no, I mean I'd see it again.

Anyway, that'll be $6 .35.

So how about tonight?

What about it?

The movie.

Pick you up at, um, seven?

Sure, that's great.

Great. I'll see you then.

Okay.

Oh, I'm out of here.

Bye. Bye.

Wesley, don't you think you should arrange your hand?

I don't need to do that anymore.

So, you guys still at it?

Uh -huh.

Mr. Belvey was right.

This is a lot more fun.

more. Whoa, 325 to 12?

Give the kid a break.

I got the 12s.

Oops. Mr. Balladeer says it's beginner's luck.

Naturally, I'm holding back.

Wesley, you should have known I needed seven.

You should have known I needed two.

Gin.

Not in front of your brother.

I had a real nice time with the movies.

You weren't bored seeing it again?

Not with you.

Hi, kids.

Dad, you scared us.

Yeah, that was the idea.

Mark, this is my dad.

Yeah, I know.

I read your column every day, sir. I really enjoy it. Ah, thanks, Mark.

good against Grant last Saturday. Oh, thank you, sir. Yeah, you played

aggressive and you made some real good moves.

Well, I try.

Yeah, well, you try any moves on this playing field and I'm going to put you

through the uprights.

Good night, kids. Good night, Dad.

Listen, I better go anyway. I got a scrimmage in the morning.

I'm Mark.

Yeah?

been kind of bothering me. You know at the record store that you took?

Well, yeah, I almost forgot.

Here, I made you a copy of the soundtrack because you said you liked it

Good night.

Hold your cards up, Mr. Belvedere. I can see them.

Wesley, people in China can see them.

Whoa, big hand there, Belvedere.

These were Wesley's idea.

So, Wes, you want to come with your mom and me? We're going to Lumberama. Check

out some leaf blowers. Oh, yeah?

Not now, Wesley, or in the middle of the game.

You can browse for mindless appliances any time.

You and mom run along.

Okay, pal.

I dumped the queen.

Okay, I'm putting the sticks down.

Gin.

Your fiendish little winning streak has bit the duck that laughed.

Real good, Mr. Belvedere.

Not so far.

We have to count your cards.

You already had gin.

I've had it for a while.

I just wanted you to win for a change.

Listen, Pollyanna.

I have played this game with tournament champions.

I do not want your charity.

Then why don't you pay me what you owe me? me.

Shut up and deal.

Where's Mr. Treiker?

Oh, he sat down for a while.

Hey, that's great. That means he must have confidence in you.

No, it means I gave somebody two 20s for a 10 and you're not trying to find him.

So how was your date with Mark?

Pretty good. I think he wants to see me again.

That's unbelievable.

I just mean he can go out with any girl he wants.

I've already dated teachers.

Well, it just so happens he likes me.

Hey, Mark, what are you doing here?

I couldn't stay away.

Mark, I'm working.

Hey, we're customers.

Hey, you met my linebacker, Steve and Jerry?

Yeah, hi.

Yeah, hi, how you doing?

How you doing?

So, uh, listen.

You got a date for homecoming?

No, I...

You should go with Angela.

You want to go with me?

Yeah, that'd be real nice.

Of course, I may be a little sweaty.

You know, after scoring all those touchdowns. Oh, that's okay. I sweat a

too.

Anderson, you ready to hit it? Okay.

Let's go.

Uh, you guys want those?

Yeah, thanks.

Hey, where are you going? Hey, it's okay, babe. I told him you were cool.

And don't, Berg. Don't be such a greedy slob.

I just can't beat these guys anywhere.

Um, I'll see you.

You could have introduced me.

Come along, Wesley.

I'm sure some nice warm milk and a few hands of gin will help you fall asleep.

I was asleep.

Don't quibble.

You know, that gets on Mr. Belvedere's nerves.

Anyway, look, I've already delved.

Mr. Belvedere, what time is it?

Why do you care? You like staying up late, remember?

Mr. Belvedere, I got school tomorrow.

So what?

I'm going to be too tired to learn anything.

Good.

You're smart enough as it is.

Do you want that card?

Uh -uh.

Things are looking up.

In.

You are so lucky.

Honey?

Honey, come on. You're going to be late for work.

Hi, Mom.

You're not dressed.

I'm not going to work today.

Why not?

I think I'm coming down with something.

You don't have any fever.

So long. that people don't have fevers.

And anyway, I'm going to quit.

What? Why?

I feel I should devote more time to my studies.

Don't look at me like that.

Heather, does this have anything to do with Mark?

What do you mean?

It's just that you meet a new boy and all of a sudden you have no time for

anything else. Mom! Look, honey, if you want to quit, that's your decision.

Thanks. It's just that you were doing such a good job. Really?

sticking to it.

I was just about to tell you how proud I was.

Well, I guess you better save it for next time.

One of my yokes is broken. Be thankful it's not your skull.

The West still beating you, huh?

I don't know where the little prince got his ungodly facility for card playing,

but it's driving me crazy.

So what are you going to do?

I don't know.

I'm considering an exorcism.

Look, don't feel bad. He used to cream me every time at Crazy Eights. The only

way I'd ever win was to cheat.

Well, that just shows the difference between you and me.

Gin.

Really? Boy, that's six hands in a row.

Yes, but who's counting?

You're sure doing better.

Maybe it's the new deck.

Why? What about it?

26 from your hand plus 50 equals 336 to

nothing.

How about that, you rotten little power shark?

I think it's great.

You do?

Sure, I don't mind when you win. It makes the game more fun.

Yes, for me too.

I hope we didn't pay too much for these cards.

Thanks for coming off on my hands.

Just lick your fingers and keep playing.

got to come back to the store.

No.

But if you quit, Mr. Traeger says I'll have to leave, too, because he only has

people in pairs.

He told me it's biblical.

I can't go back. I mean, if I do, Mark will probably show up with the whole

football team and rip off the whole stupid store, and I'll probably let him

because I like him.

Maybe we should have a two -for -one sale. Then he'd only be stealing half

money.

Sorry, ladies.

I just came in to change the linens. Oh, it's okay, Mr.

Bellbottom.

I've got to get back to the store anyways.

See ya.

Aren't you going to work?

No, I'm quitting.

Something the matter?

Heather, what do you think of someone who wanted something so badly?

He was willing to betray someone who trusted him.

I don't know anybody like that.

Yes, you do.

You know what I think? I think he's beneath contempt.

I know he's a creep, but I like him. What?

But I like my job, too. It's just he shouldn't be stealing stuff.

Who are you talking about?

Mark, who are you talking about?

Me.

I cheated Wesley at cards.

Oh.

You know something?

I'm going to go back to work.

Fine.

Thanks for helping me out.

Anytime.

Who the hell is Mark?

Okay, that'll be $127 .50.

Oh, for a personal check, we require two forms of positive ID.

Okay.

Okay, thank you, Dr. Shapiro.

I'm really glad you decided to come back to work.

Yeah, me too.

Hey, Heather.

Hi, Mark.

I've been thinking about you.

Yeah, I've been thinking about you too.

Stole my tux for homecoming.

Great, maybe I should go steal a dress.

I was just kidding.

Sure.

Look, I came by because I've been feeling kind of bad about what happened

yesterday. You know, with the Bozo brothers.

You do?

Yeah, I shouldn't let them take that stuff. They hardly even know you.

Well, you shouldn't do it either.

Why not? You're my girl. Oh, yeah, I'm your girl because I work in a record

store. Huh? You probably wouldn't even speak to me if you didn't get something

out of it.

You really believe that?

Yeah.

Heather, what kind of guy do you think I am?

I mean, I really like you, you know?

I like being with you.

Really? I wouldn't care if she worked digging ditches.

She'd probably want free dirt.

Listen, um, I better get going.

I'll pick you up at seven.

Okay.

Oh, tape this for tonight.

Mr. Trager.

What?

He didn't pay for that.

What? I was gonna.

No, you weren't.

And he's ripped off albums before.

I told you I liked you.

Don't you believe me?

Yeah, I do.

But that's not the point.

Well, I don't get you at all.

I guess not.

I'm sorry, Mr. Trigger. I should have told you the first time you did it. But

you didn't, did you?

No.

Heather, I'm very sorry, but someone is going to have to be let go.

Oh, Angela.

Hi, Mom. Hiya.

If you want, you can be proud of me now. I can?

I went back to work at the store.

See, you were right. It was Mark. Except he was stealing stuff, and I was

letting him. But I knew it was wrong.

So I finally did the right thing, and now I gotta pay him back for the

But at least I'm not Angela. She's gotta make up $750 in bad checks.

So aren't you proud of me?

I guess so.

That's the last time you go to Lumberama, pal, till you learn to behave

yourself. I'm sorry.

What happened?

They let him try out a leaf blower, and he went around the store blowing up

ladies' skirts.

Put this stuff away.

I like your style.

So you want to play some more gin?

You've been doing pretty good lately.

Not now. Maybe later.

Hey, is that chocolate marble fudge cake?

Yes, Wesley. It's your favorite, isn't it?

Yeah, but it's not my birthday.

I know.

I suppose Mr. Belvedere wanted to do something nice for you to make up for

something that he did that wasn't very nice.

Well, you know my recent speech of good luck at cards.

Yeah?

Well, it wasn't good luck exactly.

It wasn't luck at all.

I cheated.

Oh, I knew that.

What? The only way anyone ever beats me at cards is by cheating. I knew you were

cheating the first time you won.

And you let me do it anyway?

And let me agonize over it?

Sure, I knew you'd admit it eventually.

I even...

probably do something nice to make up for it.

I usually know everything people are going to do.

Did you know I was going to do this?

Well, integrity has returned

to the Owens household.

Heather is back on the job with a new sense of responsibility.

She's even made me pay retail for my Jane Fonda workout tape.

As for card playing, I've decided it's best I steer clear of Wesley and

myself to solitaire.

Although at the moment I seem to be at a loss for a red king.

There must be one here somewhere.