Original subtitles

Something on fire?

Oh, it's you.

Smells a little like writer's block in here.

Hey, a good cigarette helps me think.

Do you say think or think?

Hello, boys.

That was a fast game of catch.

Yeah, sure was.

Where's the football?

Oh, Wesley went out for a pass in the Huffnagle's backyard, but Grandma

Huffnagle intercepted it, took it inside.

I tried to tackle her, but she's pretty quick with that aluminum walker.

Better luck next time.

Oh, boy, peanut butter and cookies.

No, no, no, no, no, Wesley.

No, no, no, no. They're far too hot. You might burn your tongue.

Oh, okay.

He's so crusty.

Ouch, ouch, ouch. Hot, hot, hot.

Thanks, buddy. Hey, what do you think you're doing?

Following your example.

Hey, I don't need any smart remarks.

Come on, Dad. You know these things aren't any good for you. Look, it even

right on the package, smoking causes lung cancer, heart disease, emphysema,

may complicate pregnancy.

Well, I wasn't planning on having any more kids.

How do I look? Very cute.

I don't want to look cute. I want to look sophisticated, alluring.

Why? Well, I didn't want to tell you this, but I'm dating an older man.

He's almost 16.

Oh, my goodness.

Look, George, all I'm saying is your body is a temple. Yeah, well, this

got a smoking section.

Gross, Dad's smoking again.

Yeah, I can see that.

Come on, are you guys going to start in on me too?

I just got an earful from the Nairobi trio here.

George, you can quit if you really set your mind to it.

Yeah, I've tried.

It's tough.

Any bad habit can be broken with a little determination and self

Big talk coming from a guy stuffing cookies down his throat.

What is that supposed to mean?

It means that you're as hooked on that junk as I am on these things. That's

ridiculous. I like a little something sweet every now and then, but I should

stop any time.

I'll believe that when Prince Charles gets a job.

Hey,

I got an idea.

Why don't you guys both quit?

Huh? Yeah, sure.

Dad will give up smoking, and Mr. Belvedere will give up all his junk

And whoever quits the longest is the better man.

Well, guys?

Well, I think it's a marvelous idea.

Well, I think it's marvelous, too.

It's a bet.

Honey?

Okay.

Belvedere?

Never met her before.

Who cares when you dropkick your jacket? As you came through the door, no one

glared. But sometimes things get turned around and no one's spared.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that we can get.

Life is more than mere survival.

We just might live the good life yet.

Somebody seems to be making progress.

Yeah, it's coming along pretty good.

Well, there you are, you see.

You don't need a pack of cigarettes by your typewriter to do your job.

Right.

Especially when you've got a pack of ding -dongs.

You realize, of course, this means war.

Hello? Hi, I'm Sean. I'm here to see Heather.

Oh, hi, Sean. Come on in.

Yeah, could you please tell your sister that I'm here?

I'm Heather's mother.

Get out of here.

Oh, hi, Heather.

So, how do I look?

Nice. I mean, your zit's cleared up and everything.

He's so bad.

Actually, you look real special.

Well, I guess you guys better get going.

It was very nice meeting you, Mrs. Owens. Oh, it was very nice meeting you,

Sean. Come on, Sean. We're going to miss the movie.

That's okay. You go on ahead. I think I'll just stay here and hang out with

mom for a while.

She's teasing, Mom. Come on, Sean.

See you, Mrs. Owens. Have a nice time.

Yeah, don't worry. I'll have her back by Tuesday.

Morning, guys. Morning, Dad.

Hey, what do you got there?

It's just a graham cracker.

Graham cracker? That's the same as a cookie.

No, it's not. It's a cracker. It says so right on the box.

You can't eat that.

Judges.

Well, it's not the chocolate -covered kind.

But there is cinnamon on top. That's a seasoning, like garlic.

Wait a minute. He's having it with milk that makes it a cookie. That's

ridiculous. It's disallowed.

Fine,

fine, you're the judges.

But I'm the one who cooks your dinner.

And if that's a cookie, wait till you see what part is for meat.

So how's the bet coming?

Just fine.

I think you pretty much got that spot.

I need to keep my hands busy.

That's the same thing George said last night.

Good morning, Heather. How was your date?

It was a disaster.

First, I tripped coming down the aisle and spilled on my bonbons.

And then, during the movie, Sean tried to put his arm around me and I jumped

dumped a whole thing of hot nachos in his lap.

Tell me again about the bonbons.

Look, honey, maybe the evening wasn't perfect, but I'm sure Sean had a very

time. Oh, sure.

I mean, Sean's so smart and funny, and all he could say the whole night was, uh

-huh, yeah, uh -huh, yeah.

Yes. Maybe I should just become a nun. They don't have to talk at all.

Owens residence.

Just a moment.

To Heather, it's Sean.

He probably just wants to yell at me.

Hello?

Uh -huh.

Yeah. Uh -huh.

Yeah.

Hi.

Oh, I can't believe it. He wants to see me again.

And you thought you couldn't carry on a conversation.

Uh -huh.

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

Hmm. Just reading the sports section.

Go ahead.

Huff away, I don't mind.

I haven't had a smoke in two days.

I feel terrific.

Good for you.

Incidentally, I read your column today.

It didn't seem to have its usual sparkle.

Oh, yeah?

Perhaps your brain isn't getting enough tar.

Hey, go ahead, Belvedere.

Take your best shot.

I don't mind.

What's with the books?

Oh, I'm going to school.

I'm studying to be a lawyer.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'll call you if I ever need one.

Yeah, somehow I think you will.

Oh, where's Heather?

She's not home from the mall yet.

Have you seen Mr. Owen?

That's the gray -haired gentleman?

Yes, John.

Yeah, he left for work a few minutes ago, but he said I could wait around if

promised not to steal anything.

Well, you make yourself at home. I'm sure Heather will be back sometime soon.

I can wait.

I thought that this was Heather's room. Yeah, well, it's not.

Yeah, I was just going to go in there and play some records. I didn't know

this was your room, I swear.

It's okay, Sean.

I'm really so embarrassed.

I just want to go someplace and hide.

Sean, you're still here.

I know.

And I feel real bad about that.

Then go.

Sean!

Has anyone ever told you that you're beautiful when you're angry? And has

ever told you to go home and take a cold shower?

Well, what's wrong with the one right in there?

Sean, I think you better get out of here before you do something you might

regret.

What, did you have anything special in mind?

Just get out!

Problem, Mrs. Owens?

Was it something I said?

I'm up here getting dressed, and the next thing I know, Sean is standing

staring at me.

I asked him to leave, but he wouldn't.

I'm glad I came in when I did.

I don't know what to do about this.

Well, he could always call the police and have his libido impounded.

I can't tell Heather, because she'd be crushed.

And I can't tell George, because Sean would be crushed.

It's really up to you.

Do you think I somehow encouraged him? I mean, I laughed at all... his silly

jokes. I enjoyed his compliments.

And I did tell him to make himself at home.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, Mrs. Owen. I know, I know.

Anyway, judging from the look on Sean's face, I don't think he'll be bothering

you again.

I'm very glad you were here, Mr. Belvedere.

I don't know how to thank you.

A cupcake would be nice.

Hey, Mom, have you seen Dad anywhere?

No, why?

Uh, It's just he hadn't smoked in three days.

He'd think he might be getting a little shaky.

I lost him.

Oh, yeah?

I trailed him into the woods, but I think he doubled back to trick me.

Except those two rotten kids of mine keep watching me like a hawk. Yes,

been keeping their beady little eyes on me as well.

Look, Belvedere, we're both mature, responsible adults.

I mean, if I want to have one cigarette, or you want to have one cookie, I think

we should both be able to.

Are you suggesting a temporary truce, comrade?

I won't tell if you won't tell.

pink nail polish.

Why, are you going out tonight?

No, Sean's coming over here.

Oh? We're just going to study together. That's okay, isn't it? Sure.

Um, I just think that you've been seeing an awful lot of him lately.

Mom, I've seen him once.

Yes, and this will make twice.

Mom, what's the matter? You're acting like you don't like Sean.

I didn't say that.

Well, he likes you.

You're practically all he ever talks about.

Look, honey, I...

I just think that you're too young to get seriously involved with anybody now.

Especially a boy who's older than you.

Are you saying you don't want me to see Sean anymore?

Fine.

Excuse me.

Mom!

Hi. You must be Wesley.

Yeah. Who must you be?

I'm Sean. I'm here to see Heather.

Give me a buck and I'll go get her.

Yes. Give yourself a new personality.

Yay!

Wes, go up and tell your sister Sean's here.

Okay.

Cute little scamp.

You got a lot of nerves showing up around here again.

Whatever you've heard, sir, it is a lie.

I'm kidding.

I just meant you've been over here three days in a row.

I was just kidding, too, then.

Hey, come on over and have a seat, Sean.

Thank you, sir.

So, I take it you got your eyes set on my little girl?

I will, I sure do.

Well, I just think I should warn you, I'm kind of an old -fashioned dad when

comes to my daughter. Let me stop you right there, sir. Are we talking about F

-E -X?

Because if we are, sir, I want to assure you that my intentions with your

daughter are strictly honorable.

That's good to know.

We're home.

Hey, honey.

Oh.

Hello, everybody.

Hi, Mrs. Owens. I'm Sean. You remember me?

Yeah, I believe so.

Hi, Sean.

Oh, hi, Heather.

I got my books.

Uh, Sean and I are just gonna study. We're not going out or anything, okay?

Yeah, fine.

Uh, this is our housekeeper, Mr.

Belvedere. This is Sean.

I believe we met once, in passing.

Yeah, right.

Listen, Heather, I know it's kind of corny, but what the heck.

I got you these.

Certainly.

Something wrong?

Oh, no. I'm just watching you.

Oh. You know, when you come to a tough part in a problem, you crank your nose a

lot. It's kind of cute.

Thank you.

When I come to a tough part in a problem, I stick my tongue out over here

this.

That's great.

Maybe you can get that fixed.

I don't know.

Listen, I gotta get something to drink. Do you want anything?

No, um, listen, I think my mom's in there and she's still not crazy about us

seeing each other, so just try to be extra special nice to her, okay?

Sure.

You know, I really wanted to give those to you.

Sean? I mean, to try to say that I'm sorry. Oh, really?

I don't know what... came over me?

Maybe I've just seen too many of those movies.

You know, with the naive young kid and the beautiful older woman.

Takes them and shows them what life's really all about.

Well, I guess I haven't seen those movies.

I noticed that.

Anyway, I just want to say that I appreciate you're not telling anyone

happened. I mean, if my old man found out, he would have gone through the

Of course, I would have gone through it first.

All right, look.

I know that I come off like some kind of jerk who thinks he knows it all.

But maybe that's because I'm afraid people might find out that I'm really

as scared and confused as any other kid.

It's just... Forget it.

Sean. I knew you were crazy about me.

right now. Sean!

All right, don't blame your mom. I guess when they hit 35, they just go a little

crazy or something.

Ow!

Heather, we have to sit down and have a little talk. Oh, that's okay, Mama. I

understand now why you didn't want me to see him. Oh, you do? Yeah, because you

wanted him all for yourself.

Heather,

what's wrong?

Ask Mrs. Robinson.

And I just came down the stairs.

Heather, let me in. Go away.

Heather, I did not try to steal your boyfriend.

Pat.

Sean tried to kiss me. Heather walked in and saw it.

I always tell the children to knock.

And at your mother, that hussy.

Trying to seduce that sweet, innocent boy.

Perhaps now she'll leave me alone.

That's not funny, Mr.

Belvedere. Heather, that Sean is a contemptible lickspittle.

I know that.

And you must know that your mother did nothing to encourage him.

But it's still her fault.

She made him like her by being so sweet and pretty and perfect.

Heather. I mean, just look at her.

Beautiful. Who would you rather have, Mr. Belvedere? Her or me?

At the moment, I think I'd like a jelly donut.

Excuse me.

First, I couldn't figure out why Sean would want to see me again.

For a second there, I actually thought it was because he liked me.

Pretty stupid, huh?

Heather.

to make yourself feel bad.

Am I adopted?

No.

How come I turned out so blech?

Hey, come here.

I want you to take a good long look.

Tell me what you see.

A toad.

I see.

I see beautiful green eyes and a cute little button nose.

And when it's there, a smile that can just melt your heart.

Are you sure it's me you're looking at?

You see?

Yeah.

Thanks, Mom.

Such a klutz.

I don't know, dear.

You get that from your father.

Chuck,

come on in. Hey, take it easy. I just gotta get my boots and my jacket. He'll

never see me again. Just don't do anything crazy.

What are you talking about?

I said get my books and stuff. Well, you guys, why don't you just get out of

here before I really let you have it?

Has anyone ever told you that you're beautiful when you're angry?

Sean!

Well, I already told you.

Hey,

what was that all about?

Oh, nothing. It's just a little problem we had with Sean, but it's nothing we

women can't handle. Right, Heather.

Right, Mom.

You see, Sean only pretended like me, but he really had a thing for Mom, and I

found him trying to... in the kitchen and I got all upset. But Mom and I had a

nice talk and she told me that I was beautiful and that me being a cuss comes

from your excited family.

George, don't get so upset.

I'm okay.

I think I'll go out back.

I need a little fresh air.

Good idea, Dad.

Remember, George, nice and deep.

Let's have your snotty little victory speech and get it over with.

I can't hold it in my mouth, though.

At any rate, Heather's self -confidence seems to be on the rebound.

In fact, if the trend continues, she might become as insufferable as Wesley.

As for George, it's been two weeks since his last cigarette, and I think he's

kicked enough to have it for good.

Bravo, George.

As for me, I haven't done quite as well.

Although I have managed to cut down to half a pack a day.