Original subtitles

Mom, I know you're studying for your big final, but can I ask you one quick

question? Sure is.

How do you know when you're really in love?

Well, I mean, there's this guy, Eric, and he is really cute, and I really like

him. But the thing is, he doesn't even know I'm alive.

Should I wait until he notices me, or go up and talk to him, or what?

Oh, honey, do you think we could talk about this tomorrow, maybe?

Okay, okay, I can wait.

I'm the middle child. I'm used to it.

Hey, Mom.

Am I bothering you?

Sorry.

You're getting better with those.

Thanks. You know, my band teacher says if I keep it up, he might even let me

a drum.

And if I keep this up, I might even pass my exam.

Oh. God, I forgot you're cramming for your finals. They're tomorrow, huh?

So I guess you must be getting a little nervous.

No, why should I? I mean, the last final I took was, what, 17 years ago?

Really? I didn't know they had them back then.

Mom, just look at my costume for the hygiene test.

You look like a perfectly fine tooth to me. I'm supposed to be a bicuspid, but I

think I look more like a molar.

Does this belong to anyone?

Well, it doesn't belong in the stairs, and you don't belong in here. Your

mother's trying to study. All right, all right, we're going.

Don't study too hard.

What about me?

Go floss yourself.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Owens, and I apologize about the children.

I assure you there'll be no further interruptions. Thank you, Mr. Belvedere.

After I finish making my popcorn.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that we can get.

According to our new arrival, life is more than mere survival.

We just might live the good life yet.

My God, you haven't moved.

A contract may be rejected by stated refusal, by implication via

or by acceptance on a conditional basis.

Would you like some eggs?

No, thank you.

That was the stated refusal.

Now, if I'd asked for a waffle instead, that would have been rejection via

account and offer.

I see.

But if I'd accepted the waffle only if we had blueberry syrup, that would have

been acceptance on a conditional basis.

I'd offer you a Pop -Tart, but I'm afraid you might sue me.

Are husbands allowed?

Morning, honey.

You never came to bed last night. I missed you. I'm sorry. I couldn't help

I know you got a study. It's just...

I don't like sleeping alone.

It's spooky.

Perhaps we can get you a nightlight.

Or a cabbage patch doll.

Oh, my God, look at the time.

I gotta go.

Do I look all right?

Go anyway.

Well, this is it.

Wish me luck.

Good luck, Mrs. Owens. Knock on bed, Marsh.

I'll try.

Bye. Bye.

Cabbage patch doll.

You can butter mine.

Morning, kitten.

Hi, Dad.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

If you looked any droopier, you'd trip on your lower lip.

Nobody ever has time to listen to my problems.

Oh.

Well, gotta go.

I'm kidding.

Come on, Dad. This is serious.

I'm sorry.

Come on, tell your old man what's bugging you.

You won't understand.

You're just a dad.

Sure I will. Come on.

Well, you see, there's this guy, Eric, and I really like him. He's really cute.

Thing is, I just don't know what to say to him.

Just tell him if he touches you, your old man's going to kill him.

Dad, I hardly even know him.

Good. Keep it that way.

Thanks, Dad.

Anytime, kid.

I thought you had a rehearsal for your dental extravaganza. I got extracted.

What happened? Did you bite someone?

No, I put Kelly Huffnagle in my nose.

He was playing an impacted wisdom tooth, and he kept trying to crowd me out.

Yes, as a rule, wisdom teeth are rather pushy.

Well, anyway, now I'm out of my pageant for good.

I am sorry, Wesley.

Well, that's okay. At least now I don't have to... have to brush my teeth

anymore.

Always a bright side, isn't there?

I can't do it.

You never had that problem with the phone before.

Look, Mr. Belvedere, I got his number. Whose number?

Eric. I saw it out of the attendance office.

Now that I got it, I don't know what to do with it. Well, I think if you stole

it, you should take it back.

I mean, that's always what Mr. Belvedere makes me do.

Heather, as long as you've got it, you might as well use it.

Well, what's he going to think? I mean, a girl he hardly even knows calls him

from out of nowhere.

He's probably going to think I'm real desperate.

Or easy.

Heather, there's absolutely nothing easy about you.

Ah,

Mrs. Owens, how did we do on our test?

I don't think she did so good.

Hey, Mom, are you okay?

If anyone cares... I'll be upstairs.

Hey, Mom, you made a poem.

If anyone cares, I'll be upstairs.

If anyone cares, I'll... Boy, she seems pretty upset.

Yeah, I think I should go have a talk with her.

Winston, I don't want either of you children disturbing your mother.

That's my job.

Thank you.

May I come in? No.

I'm not dressed.

Neither am I.

Come on in, Mr. Belvedere.

I lied.

And I appreciate that.

I was just wondering if I could get you anything.

Tea? Coffee?

A little guidance counseling?

I was ready.

I had everything down cold. I knew... Every case, every argument, every

precedent. It's just that when I sat down and they handed me that exam, I

went blank.

Better the classroom than the courtroom.

If I ever get there.

And right now that's a big if.

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe I'm just kidding myself.

Trying to change gears in the middle of my life.

Now look, perhaps things are not as bad as you think.

You haven't got your grade yet.

Believe me, a woman knows when she's failed a test. Oh, that's right.

You've had three children.

Hey, Heather.

Phone. Who is it?

It's Eric.

Eric! I didn't even know I had my number.

Hello, Eric?

This is Heather.

What do you mean, what do I want? You called me.

You wanted his body.

Sorry, can't talk now. Bye.

Wesley, I'm gonna kill you, I swear!

Does someone think you'll be enough?

Hey, guys, what's going on? My life is ruined.

I got kicked out of my pageant. Great, where's your mom?

She's up in your bedroom with Mr. Belvedere, and they don't want to be

disturbed.

Not my day, is it?

Oh, Mr. Williams, I'm glad you're home. Me too.

Mrs. Owens had rather a tough time with her exam.

She's feeling very low.

Oh, yeah?

Well, come on, guys. Let's go up and jolly up all night.

Hey, look what I got.

Did anyone order a firing squad?

Probably me.

Hey, honey.

Looks like somebody forgot to bring an apple for the teacher.

I guess so.

Hey, it's just one silly toast.

Yeah, Mom. We could write the teacher a note. saying you did lousy because you

didn't have a good breakfast and could you please take it over again?

It's no big deal, honey. I did my best. I just wasn't good enough.

That's stupid.

Well, anyway, it's mostly our fault you did bad. Yeah, because we're always

bothering you when you're trying to study.

Like me with my stupid costume.

Or my stupid boyfriend problem.

and you're 21.

You're supposed to bother me.

I'm your mother.

It's just that, since I started law school, I haven't exactly been acting

one. Well, that's okay. You've been busy.

Anyway, we got Mr.

Belvedere to bother.

Well, from now on, things are going to be different.

What are you talking about?

Talking about being a part -time student and a part -time mother and not being

particularly good at any of it.

It's got to be one or the other.

Are you leaving us?

No.

I'm quitting school.

Hey, come on, Marcia. Don't start talking about quitting. No, look, I've

this a lot of thought, and I think it's time I went back to doing what I do

best.

So if you'll excuse me, your mother has a dinner to prepare.

Well, everyone go wash up.

Does that include me?

Any luck? She doesn't want to talk about it. All she keeps saying is she's going

to make us the best dinner we ever had. Better than mine?

She's not just upset, she's delirious.

Where do I get the egg beater?

Top middle drawer.

And the eggs?

In the chickens.

I wish there was something I could do.

You could pack.

Perhaps I should.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Look, she's just a little tired. All she needs is one good night's sleep, and

she'll be back to her old scholastic self.

Dinner will be ready in 15 minutes.

Oh, great.

Oh, honey, look.

I know.

I've been neglecting you lately, but I just want you to know that I'm going to

be making it all up to you, starting tonight.

So much for our good night's sleep.

Good morning, Mr.

Belvedere. Good morning, Mrs. Owens, and how are we feeding this morning?

Like the weight of the world.

lifted from my shoulders.

Oh.

Muffin? Yes, that would be my first guess, too.

You know, I've forgotten how gratifying baking can be.

I mean, you put together flour and sugar and milk, and presto, muffin.

You don't have to convince anybody they're muffins. Nobody calls on you to

explain you're muffins.

They're just muffins.

Yeah, I used to feel that way about donuts.

Well, since you've done all this, make the coffee. Already brewing.

Then I'll make some juice.

Already squeezed.

Bacon? In the warmer.

Fine.

Just let me call Goodwill and I'll have myself picked up.

Morning, Westman.

Morning, Dad.

Hey, Belvedere, what smells so good?

It's your wife.

She's found fulfillment making muffins. What do you mean?

She hasn't made those in years.

Breakfast!

Morning, Tiger.

I can't believe it! He wants to take me out this Friday.

Who does?

Eric! What am I going to do? What am I going to wear?

Well, we'll go out to the mall this afternoon and pick out something nice

you. You mean it?

Hey, Mom, can I come, too? I want to stop by the pet shop and take a look at

lizards. Sure, honey.

Now, come on, everyone, into the kitchen. Breakfast is ready. You don't

those blueberry muffins to get cold. Oh, boy.

Mmm, something sure smells good.

If anybody needs me, I'll be in my room.

Now that's what I call a shine.

Hey, honey.

Whoa.

How was work?

Oh, it was okay.

So what have you been doing all day?

Waiting for you.

What would you say if I told you I had a headache?

I'd say I knew how to cure it.

Mom, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm just making some treats for when your little friend comes over. Mom,

Eric and I are going to the movies. We're not going to have time for all of

them. There's always time for good manners.

Besides, your father and I want to meet him.

I... Anyway, you never send a fellow away hungry.

That's how we gals keep our men.

Sure, Mom. Be right back.

Oh, you're both wearing the shirts I made you.

Thank you, Mom.

Well, I think Mom has finally flipped.

Hello, children.

Hi, Mr.

Belvedere. Hi, Mr. Belvedere. Where have you been?

Feeding squirrels. It's the one thing around here your mother hasn't already

taken care of.

It seems like all she wants to do lately is cook and clean and make things.

Suddenly she's taking an interest in everything we do.

Yeah, and with some of the stuff I do, I don't need the attention.

The thing is, Mom acts like she's happy doing all this stuff, but I don't think

she is.

Maybe you're right.

The question is, what are you going to do about it?

We don't know.

Yeah, thinking of good stuff like that is your job.

At the moment, I don't seem to have a job.

Need any help?

Oh, um, no. I was just dusting, you know, before the company comes.

Isn't that one of your law techs? Yes. You know, these things are so big, I

might just get rid of them.

Oh, I don't know. I always felt they gave the house a certain warmth.

Besides, they might come in handy.

You never know when you might get slapped with a lawsuit.

I mean, especially with a son like Wesley.

Let me see. Now, if...

Not here yet, I'm kidding.

No, but he's going to be your sister. Could you please turn that off?

Please? All right.

Now could you go someplace?

What's the matter, Heather?

Are you ashamed of us?

Hey,

okay, okay. Knock it off, you stooges.

Come on, kitten. Your old man's got to at least meet the guy who's taking out

his little girl. Sure, Dad.

And so do I, because I'm the one that brought you two together.

Uh -oh, Betty Crocker alert.

Somebody get the door.

You're standing right there.

If I can't answer it, I'll look to Inks.

Hi. Hello. You must be Eric.

Is Heather ready?

Heather, your date's here.

Hi, Eric. Sorry to keep you waiting.

That's okay.

Anyway, we better get to the movies. There's probably going to be a line.

Oh, right. I'll get my jacket. Heather?

I don't believe Eric's been properly introduced to everyone.

Oh, right. That's my mom.

Hello again.

And that's my dad, and that's my brother Kevin, my little brother Wesley. This

is Eric.

Hi, Eric.

You guys in a group?

I made some little treats if you got to have one.

Here, help yourself.

Thank you.

These are really good.

Thank you.

My mom never has time to make stuff like this.

She's an architect.

How nice for her.

Yeah, she can build our house.

Well, our mom cleans our house.

Oh, I didn't know there were people here.

Are these for anybody?

Mr. Belvedere, would you like to meet Eric?

Well, I've got nothing else to do.

Hello, Eric. I'm Mr. Belvedere.

Pleasure to meet you. You're the housekeeper, right?

I don't know what I am.

Somebody want to get that?

Yeah.

Are you Marsha Owens?

No.

Can I help you? Are you Marsha Owens?

You've now been served with official notice of impending legal action.

Please, no tip.

What's this all about?

I'm being sued.

By who?

By me.

Whereas, etc., etc., plaintiff claims denial of livelihood, interference with

contracted duties, alienation of affection, and mental anguish. Very

Belvedere. Oh, I'm not joking, Mrs. Owens.

I have a binding oral agreement to perform certain household services.

And you are preventing me from doing them.

That's ridiculous. Go tell that to the judge.

Look, even if you were serious about this suit, which I know you're not, it

wouldn't stand a chance in court. Why not?

Well, first of all...

Although our contract was conditional on your performance of specific duties, it

did not create a right to perform them, simply an obligation.

Is that so?

Yes, and secondly, whatever contract we did have was solely contingent on my

attendance at law school.

Objection. It was contingent upon your completion of law school.

Come on, Marcia, you're not happy doing all this. Yes, I am. I'm very happy. I'm

fulfilled. I love taking care of my family.

Eric, please, have another crab puff. Put that tray down. That is my job. Mr.

Belvedere. You touch that, you're in big, big trouble.

Now look what you've done.

And I just shampooed the rug.

Having fun, Eric?

You know, Eric,

This reminds me of a little brouhaha between the Pirates and the Phils.

Huh?

Speaking of which, if you try to hit a home run with my daughter, I'm going to

put you on the disabled list.

Yeah, in a second. I just don't want these stains to set. Mom, this is

important. Yes, well, so is this.

Mom, forget it. You're fired.

What?

The three of us talked it over. We examined all the facts.

And we're sorry, but we're just gonna have to let you go.

You mean you're firing your own mother?

Yeah. It's for your own good.

Come on, Mom. You really happy staying home all day making muffins?

What else am I good for?

Nothing, so you might as well go back to law school.

I can't. I mean, I just can't hack it. I don't know. You hacked me up pretty

well.

That's true.

Look, it was nice having you around for a while, but the fun's over.

You're going back to school, and you're going to hit those books, and you're

going to be what you always wanted to be, one hell of a lawyer.

And I don't want any discussion, any excuses.

This is it. I'm putting my foot down.

I believe you put it down on a melon bowl.

George, George, don't do that.

You're just making more work for Mr. Belvedere.

Does that mean you're going to be a lawyer again?

I'm going to try.

I love you guys.

I'm glad we could settle out of court.

Come on, everybody, into the kitchen.

Last chance for Mom's famous muffins.

Oh, come on, Eric. You're going to miss all the fun.

You mean there's more?

At any rate, the Owens family is finally back to what they consider normal.

back to studying the children are back to not george is back to sleeping alone

and i'm back to running practically everything how can something so

wrong feel so right