Original subtitles

Yeah? Hiya.

Hiya. Hello.

Is this the Owens residence?

Yeah. I'm Mr. Belvedere. Can I help you? We're the happy guys of Pittsburgh.

I didn't know the word any.

Who are you and what do you want? Well, I'm Bert Hammond and this is my

associate, Carl Putnam.

Our little group does fundraising and charity work around the greater

area. Helping others happily.

That's our motto.

Anyway, we're here to see George Owens. You know, the sports writer?

Uh, we have something of a little surprise for him. Right, Carl?

Indeed we do, Bert.

Well, I'm afraid Mr. Owens is presently with his family at the Steelers game.

Uh, he won't be home for some time. Oh, we see.

However, if you'd like to leave a message or a telephone number where you

reached, I'll have him call you.

Is that a crackling fire I see?

No, it's a mirage.

Mirage!

Fire's almost out.

That usually happens as time goes by.

Jesus, really got a great sense of humor, huh, Carl?

Ever think of becoming a happy guy?

Not anymore.

Thank God.

I can't believe the Steelers got ripped like that.

Oh, cheer up, honey. We had a fun time.

The longest afternoon of my life. And it's not over yet.

George, I don't know if you remember us, Bert Hammond. This is my associate,

Carl Putnam.

We're the happy guys of Pittsburgh.

Oh, sure, sure.

The three of us worked on that fundraiser last year, remember?

Oh, yeah, for the handicapped children.

Yeah, you arranged the game between the Pirates and the Pittsburgh Press Club.

Yeah, that was a great game, Dad. You struck out three times.

I was drowning around Wells.

Not as far as we're concerned. Right, Carl? Far from it, Bart.

You see, George, every year about this time, us happy guys like to get serious

for a while to honor the public -minded individual who best exemplifies the

spirit of the happy guy.

Oh, yeah? George, in recognition of your dedication and your hard work, it is my

privilege to tell you... Our privilege.

Excuse me.

Our privilege.

On behalf of our beloved president and founder, Vladimir P. Bud Nebling, to

you Happy Guys of Pittsburgh's Man of the Year for 1985!

That's great!

I mean, I don't know what to say. Well, don't say anything. Just save it for

your speech.

Speech?

What speech?

Your acceptance speech, silly.

At the banquet.

Oh. Well, we better be going. We don't want to wear out our happy guy welcome.

Oh, I'm afraid it's too late for that.

You've got a promise to bring this guy with you. Yeah, sure.

Well, we'll see you next Friday. Not if we see you first.

Who cares when you got kicked a jacket as you came through the door?

No one's glad, but sometimes things get turned around and no one's fed.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that we can get.

According to our...

Life is more than mere survival We just might live the good life yet

How's

your speech coming, George?

Great. I'm finished.

So, what do you think?

Thanks for the award. Drive carefully.

I like to drive carefully, Pat.

I said keep it short.

Anyway, what else am I going to say?

Well, and I never thought I'd be suggesting this. You could tell a few of

partners, Tony. I don't want to. You always want to.

Look, maybe I just got a little trouble talking in front of people. Really?

I mean, I'd get up there and look down at all his faces staring back at me with

all her beady little eyes and I'd just freeze up.

Actually, George, the fear of public speaking is a very common phobia.

It is?

And just between you and me, I know a little something about that fear.

You do?

Yeah.

I once gave a speech on it.

Hey, Mom, when you get married, you have to get a blood test, right?

Mm -hmm.

How much do you think that costs?

I don't know.

$25?

That much?

Well, there goes the honeymoon.

you want to tell me?

Oh, no, it's just, uh, well, I got married yesterday.

You what?

It's okay, Mom. I had to.

George!

It's just a school assignment.

Huh? It's for my family awareness class.

Everybody got paired off, and then we have to pretend like we're husband and

wife with jobs and a budget and all that stuff.

Oh, fine.

Don't let all that pretending get out of hand.

Don't worry about it.

I'll get it.

May I help you? Hi, I'm Wendy. I'm Kevin's wife.

Oh.

Does he know?

Hi, Wendy.

Hi, Kevin. I brought the classifieds in case you wanted to start looking for an

apartment. Great.

Did this happen when you were drinking?

You get out of here.

Heather!

Don't pay any attention to him. He's just my stupid little brother. It's

In -laws, right?

Right. Well, come on. We might as well get started.

Hey, look, I'm sorry you got stuck with me for a wife.

Huh? Well, you were probably hoping for somebody like Roxanne Fitch, all skinny

and gorgeous.

I've heard some guys go for that.

Hey, it's okay. I don't mind.

Sure. Besides, like my dad says, there's two kinds of girls in the world. The

kind you fool around with and the kind you marry.

I don't think I'm either of those.

Hey, here's a good one.

Two bedroom, two bath, balcony overlooking river.

Kevin, that apartment's $850 a month. We can't afford that.

We can't afford anything with these crummy jobs they assign us.

I mean, I'm only making 300 bucks a week as a welder.

Yeah, and I'm not doing so great as an exotic dancer.

Maybe we should switch.

I don't think that's allowed.

Too bad. I think I'd look better with the blowtorch.

Hey, what's with you?

Why are you always knocking yourself?

I just figure, why not get there early and beat the crowd?

Look, you're a nice person. You've got a real good sense of humor. And I don't

think you should have wasted putting yourself down all the time.

You keep talking like that, you might get lucky tonight.

Gotta work tonight.

Wesley,

you little monster! I'm gonna spray you, I swear!

Hey, hey, what's going on with you two?

Nothing. I just picked up a pile of leaves and asked if Heather wanted to

in them.

He raked him over a mud hole on purpose.

I didn't do it on purpose. It was just a happy coincidence.

Not very funny, Wes.

Your sister might have gotten hurt.

I'm sorry.

I gotta go change.

Hey,

is that your speech for the happy guys, Dad?

Yeah, pal.

Oh, boy. Can I read it?

Uh, it's still not quite finished.

That's okay.

They're here at the big dinner anyway.

Oh, right.

Gee, I hope we get a table up close, because that place you're giving a

in is humongous.

It is?

Yeah, I think last year they had the rodeo there.

See ya.

Hey, Dad.

It's Wendy. We're going to have to price some bedroom furniture.

Oh, great.

Get something sturdy.

Covered with mud and leaves. Who do you think?

Haven't seen them.

Hey, Mr. Belvedere.

Worthly, huh?

Hi, Mr.

Belvedere. Hello, and how's married life treating you two?

Great. We finally found an apartment.

Congratulations. Oh, Mr. Belvedere, it's beautiful.

It's got a fireplace and a little breakfast nook where the sun comes in. I

we could be happy there forever.

Mm, I'm sure.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I must go and track down your brother -in -law.

Well, we, uh, better get this put together.

Our assignment's due Friday.

What assignment?

Just kidding.

All I know is you never let me wear anything low -cut like that. Well, sure

would. If you were ten years older and not my daughter.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Dad, wait till you see the dress, Mom, off to your banquet. It is really

hot. Oh, yeah?

Come on, Hed.

Hope you didn't spend a lot of money.

Nope. I charged it.

Up, Wesley.

Mr. Belvedere has a nice, fresh pile of leaves for you to jump in.

You didn't put them over a bunch of mud, did you?

No. A landmine.

Well, if it isn't the happy guys.

At the moment, we're not very happy. Is George here?

Yeah, guys, how's it going?

Well, since we got your note, not very well. George, how could you do this to

us? We sold every ticket.

Dad, what are they talking about?

I kind of changed my mind about the awards, Wes. Your dad says he doesn't

to be our man of the year anymore.

How come?

Look, I don't really deserve this thing anyway.

And even if I did, I don't have time for it.

So thanks anyway.

But you better get yourself another guy. George, the banquet is this Friday.

Where are we gonna find the man of the year at this time of night?

Look, I gotta go in the kitchen and bake a cake or something.

Excuse me.

But, Dad!

Sorry, Wes.

So, uh, you busy Friday?

I'm afraid they didn't leave very happy.

Oh, I'm sorry, George.

I didn't realize how serious this problem was.

At first, I thought I could get by mumbling thank you or something.

But they want a real speech, and I can't do that.

Of course you can. No, I can't. George, there are proven methods for dealing

with this fear, and I can help you. I'm not giving that speech.

I'm not going to do anything that's going to make me look like a fool in

of my family.

That's never stopped you before.

Hey, I know what you're trying to do, so forget it.

I've got nothing to prove to you or anybody.

You okay, Dad?

Yeah, Wes, I'm fine.

So you're still gonna be man of the year, aren't you?

I don't know.

I already ran my tuxedo.

I guess I gotta do it.

Great!

So, got anything particular in mind?

Happy guys, ladies, honored guests.

As I gaze upon this sea of smiling faces, I realize

this is the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life.

Now, now, George, you're losing your audience.

Isn't that right, Petunia?

You sure I'm the one who needs help?

George, you'll never overcome your problem.

If you don't start taking it seriously.

How? You got me talking to a bunch of stupid stuffed animals.

They are still your audience. They are sitting and listening attentively, just

as your real audience will be Friday night.

I don't know. Every time I look at these things... George, go back and finish

your speech.

Remember, you are the speaker. You are in control.

There's absolutely nothing to be afraid of.

Who's that?

I don't know.

But if they catch us like this, it'll be all over.

I'll get the door.

Fine.

Hi, Mr. Belvedere. Wendy, it's only you.

Yeah, I get a lot of that.

Could you tell Kevin I'm here, please?

I'm pretty sure he's not at home.

He isn't, but we're supposed to decide tonight if we're going to have a baby.

Oh, perhaps he went out to get cigars.

These guys are cute. Whose are they?

Oh, they belong to Mr. Owens.

He talked to them.

I'm home.

Well, hello, stranger.

Oh, hi.

Where have you been?

What? You told me you were going to be home by three.

I'm sorry. I just got a little hung up at the library.

And you couldn't pick up a phone?

Look, Wendy, I don't know... I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. We shouldn't fight.

Right. Especially with a baby on the way.

Hey, guys.

What do you think?

Oh, that's really nice. Are you going to a wedding? No, I'm going to my dad's

banquet. It's tomorrow night.

He's getting an award.

Didn't Kevin tell you?

No. Oh.

Well, I'll see you.

Thanks, Heather.

It's just stupid dinner for my dad.

It's no big deal.

Well, we may have to forget about the baby, but I think there's enough money

our budget for me to buy a new dress.

Look, Wendy, I'm taking Roxanne.

Oh, Jenna, I'm just kidding.

Wendy, it's not... Oh, I'm sorry.

I mean, why should I expect you to take me? I mean, who am I? I'm just the

person who keeps your house and pays your bills and tries to make ends meet

shoestring budget.

Wendy, we're not married.

It was homework.

Oh. Look, I gotta go.

You'll probably be hearing from my attorney.

Honeymoon over?

I don't know what it is with her. I mean, she thinks I'm some kind of jerk

something just because I won't take her to Dad's banquet.

Kevin, there's no reason you have to take someone you don't like.

Well, hey, I never said I didn't like her. Oh?

I mean, she's nice and funny.

We've had some good times together.

It's just she's... It's just she's not the kind of girl you'd take on a date.

Yeah. Mm -hmm.

George, it's not so bad.

It's almost cozy.

It's almost empty.

And what's going to happen when this place fills up and I freeze up? Perhaps

you'll throw up.

Look, George, you're going to be fine.

You've already given your speech a dozen times. Yeah, to a bunch of stupid

stuffed animals.

You've given it to me.

You're not a big crowd.

I mean, you're barely a small gathering.

That's it, George. Keep your sense of humor. I'm sorry.

Look, George, just relax.

Now get the feel of the room, huh?

You're going to be fine.

You think so?

See you in a bit.

Hey, where are you going?

To pick up my date.

Here you go, Roxanne. Got your drink.

Oh, thanks.

You know, I didn't know whether you wanted a new Coke or the old stuff or

or diet or decaffeinated, so I just said to heck with it and got you a root

beer.

I don't like root beer.

I wanted a cola.

Roxanne, that's what I got you.

You said you got me a root beer.

I was making a joke.

Oh, right.

Let's see if we can find our table.

Hey, Mom, aren't you going to take off your coat?

Yeah, in a minute. I'm still a little chilly.

Yeah, and if you ever see her dress, she'll know why.

Hey, guys.

Oh, hi, honey. Hi, Mom.

Uh, this is Roxanne.

Oh, Roxanne, it's so nice to meet you. We've heard an awful lot about you.

From who?

From Kevin.

Oh, I guess that's okay.

Mom, can I take your coat?

I don't see why not.

Mom?

Mom, I think your dress is on backwards.

Oh, let's go.

Can we please just take our seats, please?

Gee, Kevin, your mom's really stacked.

Yeah, we're real proud of her, Roxanne.

Well, there's our table over there, Wendy.

Hello, everybody.

Sorry we're late.

You all remember Wendy.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Wendy.

What are you doing here?

What do you care? We're not married, remember?

Kevin, I simply asked Wendy to be my guest for tonight. I didn't think you'd

mind. It's fine with me.

Hi, Roxanne.

Have we met?

I'm Wendy. We're in the same class?

Oh, sure we are.

happy guys and gals, and welcome to the annual Happy Guys of Pittsburgh Man of

the Year Award Banquet.

You know, I think it was a very wise happy guy who once said, if you can keep

your head when everyone around you is losing theirs, you'll be the tallest guy

in the room.

But now, seriously, I want to tell you something about George Owens, our Man of

the Year.

Now, George is such a wonderful guy, we were going to erect a statue of him in

the park.

But then we thought, why scare the pigeons?

Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm sorry, but I have to interrupt you, Bert. Why, am I

slip -showing?

Please, ladies and gentlemen, I have an important announcement.

I've just been informed that our president and founder, Vladimir P. Bud

has been suddenly stricken.

He's been rushed to St.

Stephen's Hospital where his condition is listed as grave.

The doctors say the next hour is critical. Oh, my God. Put it right here.

I've arranged for a direct line to the hospital. The doctors have promised to

call as soon as they have news of Bud's condition.

One way or the other.

Take it, Bert.

Well, thank you, Carl. I know that my prayers and the prayers of all

us happy guys are with Bud, isn't he?

Not yet, it clings to life.

Oh, uh, here's our man of the year, George Owens.

Thank you, Bert.

Carl, for that lovely introduction.

Happy guys.

Ladies, honored guests.

I haven't seen so many smiling faces since the pirates said they might leave.

Pittsburgh.

That's okay. I guess you had to be there.

Gee, Dad's not doing so good.

Shh.

Pretend you don't know him.

You know, you look real nice tonight.

You don't have to say that.

No, no, I mean it. What are you talking to her for? Do you mind? I'm getting a

compliment. Yes, I mind. He's my date.

Well, I'm having his baby.

Isn't it fun when we double?

That hit the spot. There's nothing like plain old Pittsburgh tap water. I'm

leaving. I'm tired of being ignored. Come on, Roxanne. No, look, I'll go.

No, Wendy. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come in the first place.

Sure you should have.

Except you should have come with me.

You mean it? Hey, what about me?

I'm available.

Just be quiet. Your father's trying to give a speech.

family's up, I might as well introduce them all.

The one dressed like a stripper is my wife, Marsha.

Seated down here is my daughter, Heather.

And then my son, Wesley.

See you in court, Wes.

And then my eldest boy, Kevin, who brought his lovely wife and some broad

never seen before.

The distinguished -looking gentleman with the smug little smile on his face

my housekeeper and friend, Mr. Belvedere.

I guess you've probably figured out by now I'm not the world's greatest

I don't have much of a finish for this.

Maybe I do.

Hello?

Okay. I'll tell them.

Bud's going to be okay.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

As it appears I have a free moment.

I'm taking the opportunity to jot down a few thoughts while they're still fresh

in my mind.

Kevin seems to have learned a little about women.

and a lot about himself.

Marsha has learned that modesty is the best policy.

And as for George, he finally seems to have conquered his fear.

Perhaps too well.

Then I remember the time, uh, I guess it was back in 62.

You remember the Pirates had won the pennant in 60 when Mazeroski hit the

-runner against the Yankees? In 62...