Original subtitles

Hey, Wes.

Bad day at the gridiron?

I'm going back to ballet. At least they don't yell at you.

Honey, I don't know why you're so upset. I thought you played quite well.

And that's the best my mother can do.

Hey, come on, Chip. You look great out there. Yeah, that was a really good

tackle you made at the end. I tackled my own quarterback.

Yeah, but you really nailed him. Yeah, I did.

Yeah, well, now we've finished the post -game show. I have sandwiches and fresh

brownies out in the kitchen.

I'm not hungry.

Hey, come on, pal. You can't let a few mistakes get you down.

Dad, I'm terrible.

Hey, now you're talking like a quitter, and no son of mine's going to talk like

that. You can do anything you set your mind to, right?

Oh, no.

You see that, mammal?

I'm going to get rid of all this junk and make room for your trophies and

and all the stuff you're going to win.

I am? Yeah!

And now you're going to get back out there, and you're going to bust your

and you're going to hit them hard, and pretty soon you'll be a real All

-American, right?

Right! Now get in there and hit those brownies!

Okay!

That kid is so bad.

There, there, George.

He can't throw, he can't catch, he's got two left feet.

I don't know why I put myself through this.

Sentimental reasons?

Huh? Well, look on the bright side, Dad. I mean, he can't be any worse than I

was.

That's for sure.

Hey, only kidding, Kev.

Yeah, right, Dad.

Real funny.

You know, George, I don't think that football is quite Wesley's cup of tea.

Oh, yeah?

Well, maybe we should introduce him to one of your English sports, like croquet

or minding other people's business.

I'm sorry. I was only thinking of the boy.

Hey, Wes is going to be fine.

I just got to work with him a little, toss the ball around, maybe run a few

plays, maybe even set up a tackling dummy.

Speaking of which, you busy later?

If you need anything, I'll be in the kitchen.

Hey, what's your problem, David?

I just gave you a couple of real good shots and you didn't come back with

anything. I know, George. I finally realized that life is too short to waste

trying to even the score.

Yeah, I guess I see what you mean.

However, if it'll make you feel better, I could say something like, why don't

you take that football and set it up your nose?

Lord knows there's room for it.

You don't have to thank me.

Who cares when you dropkick the jacket as you came through the door?

No one's there, but sometimes things get turned around and no one's there.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that we can get.

According to our...

Life is more than mere survival.

We just might live the good life yet.

Lindsay, what are you doing?

I was just taking the phone off the hook because I know you don't like being

disturbed while you're trying to cook dinner.

I see.

I don't know exactly what you've done, but apparently you've left a witness.

Just Dad wants me to practice my kicking every day, but I kicked one so good it

broke one of Homer Huffnagel's windows.

Wesley, please tell Mr. Belvedere it wasn't the big picture window. You know,

the one where Grandma Huffnagel did.

Oh, don't worry, it wasn't. It was the little one. You know, with all the

colors.

Oh, the stained glass.

Oh, no matter.

They can always send to the Vatican for another one.

Sorry, I'm just trying to get better.

It's all right, Wesley.

Now, you go and wash up.

Later, we'll try and burn off your fingerprints.

Ricardo residence.

Hey, Mr. Belvedere.

Hello, Kevin.

Tough day out in the teenage wasteland?

Go ahead.

I was thinking of throwing out all the glasses anyway.

Kevin, is that just for you or is Yugoslavia dropping by?

No, it's for me.

But dinner will be ready in less than an hour.

I'll eat then too.

Will you be eating every hour? I mean, maybe I should open up a buffet.

Look, I'm just trying to put on a little weight.

I'm going out for football.

Oh? Why?

Because it's starting again.

What's starting?

Dad and his sports thing.

I mean, he's got this hang -up about trophies. And he's not going to be happy

until someone in this house brings one home.

And if Wesley can't do it, then maybe I can.

Well, I think that's very nice, Kevin. I'm sure your father will be delighted.

Hey, I don't want Dad to know.

Or anybody else.

Why not?

Because I don't want to tell him what I'm doing until I do it. You know, make

through the season, get my varsity letter.

I just don't want to get Dad poked up and then fail again.

All right, Kevin. Your secret is safe with me.

Hey, Kev. Anything new?

No, Dad.

Who's all this for?

Oh, it's for me.

A little something to tide me over before dinner.

I just don't know where he puts it.

Hey, Dad.

I just ran through all... the tires, did 20 wind sprints, and tackled Mr.

Belvedere while he was taking out the garbage.

It's okay. He didn't spill any.

That's the spirit, champ.

Only thing is, Dad, I've been eating a lot for a month, and I'm still not

getting any bigger.

Sure you are.

I think I should take steroids.

What?

They're supposed to make you as big as a steer.

Luckily, those things are very dangerous.

Yeah, Wes. The only people who take that stuff are either very stupid or East

Germans who are tired of being women.

Wesley!

You blindsided, Mr. Belvedere.

Sorry. That's 15 yards.

Of boiled tongue and broccoli.

Mom, Dad, you better come quick. What's wrong?

Kevin's getting in a fight with the Huffnagels. Listen, Homer, next time a

stupid Doberman comes near me, I gotta...

Stupid dog, I ought to teach you some manners.

Very impressive.

Can you do that with a canned ham?

Come on, all the guys on the team do this. It makes you mean.

No, Kevin, it makes you stupid.

Like the way you've been acting around the house.

What are you talking about?

I mean, if you want to keep your little secret, try to remember who you are.

Adorable, sensitive Kevin. Not mean Joe Green.

Yeah, I know.

I've just got to keep myself psyched up. I mean, our last game's next week on

Thanksgiving. And I really think I'm going to do it.

I hope so, Kevin.

Just watch it, all right?

Sure.

Want that?

Thank you.

Hello, George.

Hey, Belvedere.

Got all the fixings for tomorrow?

Tomorrow? What's tomorrow?

It's Thanksgiving.

Oh. Well, I've got a box of noodles.

Perhaps we could have a nice tuna casserole.

You don't have tuna casserole on Thanksgiving.

Why not?

Because it's a holiday. It's special.

Not to me.

Look, it's tradition, okay?

We're celebrating the time the pilgrims came over, and we're having a tough go.

And then the Indians showed up with a bunch of stuff, and everybody had a nice

dinner. And what did they do after dinner?

Steal their land.

That came later.

This turkey weighs a ton.

This pumpkin weighs two tons.

You were saying?

George, George, look what I found.

What is it? Kevin's report card.

It was mixed in with the bills and magazines.

He's had it for a week.

I can see why he hid it. He dropped a grade in everything.

You believe this?

What makes a kid's grades drop like this?

Too many walnuts?

Whoops.

I was hoping you wouldn't find that till after Christmas.

Kevin, what happened?

How do you expect to get in college with grades like these?

Football scholarship?

I'm in no mood for your jokes.

All right, look, I'm sorry. I'm going to study harder, and I'm going to do a lot

better, I promise.

Oh, you're going to study all right.

You're grounded.

Huh? Home every day by 3 o 'clock.

And that's the law.

Starting when?

What do you mean, starting when? Starting now.

I can't start now. I'll start Monday.

You'll start today.

I can't. I have to do something tomorrow.

Like what?

It's personal.

What's going on? You got a broad stash someplace?

Or a young lady?

Look, I just don't want to talk about it. Kevin, what's going on? Lately,

been acting like someone we don't even know. I'm sorry.

Can't you just trust me?

It's a little late for that, pal.

Look, I've got to go out tomorrow, and I'm going. Listen, Buster, as long as

you're living under my roof, you'll live by my rules.

Then maybe I shouldn't live under your roof.

Kevin. Kevin. Forget it, Mr. Belvedere.

Have a happy Thanksgiving.

Wesley, what are you doing?

Watching your Thanksgiving Day 3.

How can you be watching TV? We don't even know where Kevin is.

I'm looking for him in the crowd.

Anyway, Dad says if Kevin is old enough to walk out the door, he's old enough to

not have us chasing after him like some sort of little kid.

Well, that's not what Mom thinks.

It doesn't matter what Mom thinks. She's not the man.

That's a little sexist pig.

Where's this? Stop making that noise. You'll be fed in a moment.

Owens residence.

Well, hello, stranger. Nice of you to check in.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait till I write it down.

Is that Kevin?

Thank God. Uh -huh.

Fine, fine.

Look, Kevin, your mother and father are standing right here if you'd like to

talk to them.

All right, goodbye.

He, uh, didn't want to talk to us?

Well, at least we know he's okay.

So what'd he do, spend a night with some friends?

Not unless his friend lives downtown at the Hotel Gilbert, right next to the

Midnight Mission.

George, our son is living on Skid Row.

Hey, look, I didn't kick him out of here. He walked out on his own two feet.

Speaking of which, he asked me to bring him some clean socks, as well as his

clothes, his schoolbook, and a can of Black Flag.

Come on, honey, let's just go down there and get him.

I think he's got to go through this on his own. Go through what? We don't even

know. Maybe he's drinking again.

Well, he's certainly in the right neighborhood for it.

Sorry.

Anyway, he's not drinking.

Excuse me.

No, but you know what's going on, don't you? Somewhat.

Well, what is it?

I'm afraid Kevin has told me incompetence, and I can't betray his

I forgot we got Bishop Sheen as a housekeeper.

Rest assured, he's all right.

And his problem has nothing to do with sex, drugs, or alcohol.

Thank you.

Which reminds me, I need a day off.

Come in. It's open.

What's cooking?

I was expecting my housekeeper.

I had to let mine go.

I'm Sherry. I live across the hall.

I'm Kevin. I'm underage.

Do you have any cranberry sauce?

Why? What are you going to do with it?

I'm going to eat it, kid. Like with turkey and stuffing, it's Thanksgiving,

remember?

Yeah, right. Yeah.

Got some applesauce.

I'll take what I can get.

Thanks, kid.

I'll see you around. Sure.

I just gave her my hot plate and some canned goods.

Hmm.

Feel you didn't have any stockings or chocolate bars. She might have moved in

with you.

Well, Kevin, what a delightful room.

Hey, look, I don't need any wide tracks, Mr. Belvedere.

This is the best I could do, okay?

No, I mean it.

It reminds me of a hovel on the left bank I once shared with Jean -Paul

He was busy forming his philosophy of existential nihilism, and I was going

for track.

Yeah, thanks for bringing my stuff, Mr. Belvedere.

You know, your mother's very upset.

I figured.

And I think your father is, too.

Tough.

You know, Kevin, for someone who's set out to make your father happy, you're

doing a very miserable job of it.

Thanks. Why don't you just tell him you're playing football and have done

all this foolishness? Look.

I've got to do this my own way.

I'll tell them when I have the letter in my hand.

It's up to you.

So, listen, I have to look over some plays for tonight.

Oh, that's right, the last game of the season. Oh, you must be very excited.

Yeah, I might even get to play.

You must be very exhilarating, out on the field being cheered by strangers.

Look, just tell Mom that I'm okay and I'll call her tomorrow.

And your father?

I don't care. Make something up.

I've become very good at that.

Kevin,

are you sure you want to be here?

Yeah. And you're not coming home?

No. Oh.

Can I have your room?

Wesley, have you finished with the relish tray?

In a second.

Hey, Mr. Belvedere, look!

Wesley,

don't wear olives in the house.

But I do in every Thanksgiving.

It's a tradition.

Well, start a new tradition. Behave yourself.

Okay.

Gee, I wish Kevin was going to be here for dinner.

So do I.

So when's he coming back?

I don't know.

No, he's been gone almost the whole day.

I mean, when I run away, I may say I'm never coming home, but I always do.

Yes, I'd be meaning to talk to you about that.

All right, colonists, it's gobble -gobble time.

Get a load of that bird.

Really did a nice job with the table, kitten.

Thanks. I set a place for Kevin just in case.

That's fine.

Well, come on, Wes.

Why don't you get the spuds going around?

Heather, you start dishing out the stuffings. And what about praise? We

every Thanksgiving.

Oh, sure.

How about rub -a -dub -dub, thanks for the grub? Yay!

Dear God, we thank thee for all our many blessings, for the food on our table,

and the nice house we live in, and the love we share as a family, even though

one of us is far away and alone in this cold, dark night.

But thanks anyway.

Amen. Amen.

Well, have a nice dinner.

Well, time for Pop to carve old Tom here.

Who wants the drumstick?

That was always Kevin's favorite.

She's right.

I can just see him sitting there, spilling something.

Come on, Mom, it'll be okay.

Yeah, you'll probably see him again.

Anyone need anything? More gravy? Stuffing?

A crutch for the empty chair?

All right, all right, I'll go get him. He's not at the hotel.

Well, where is he? Do you know what I enjoy after a... a particularly

dinner. A mint? A high school football game.

What?

Boy. It's even uglier in here.

Oh, my.

Hey, what do you think happened to Kevin, Mr.

Belvedere?

Perhaps he went out with his teammate to celebrate their near victory.

See, I don't get it.

All he had to say was, hey, Dad, I'm taking football, and I would have said

hell with the grades.

I mean, I could have helped him.

You know, toss the ball around, give him some tips, drill him with some of his

plays. Maybe that's why I didn't tell you.

Kevin, are you all right?

Yeah, Mom, I'm fine.

You played real good out there, Kev.

Yeah, it was great when you got that fumble and those 14 guys fell on top of

you.

Come on, children, let's go downstairs and see if our car still has tires.

I'll be waiting.

For both of you.

So, you look pretty good out there. Thanks.

Would have been nice to see some of your other games.

I wanted to surprise you.

What's this?

It's my letter.

Hey, you're supposed to put that on your varsity sweater. I didn't get it for

me. I got it for you.

Hey, come on, Kevin. Come on, Dad. Take it.

It's what you wanted all along.

Then maybe you can lay off Wesley.

What are you talking about?

You're doing the same thing to him that you did to me.

Don't you remember saying...

You're going to make All -American, Kev. And don't be a quitter, Kev.

I got the mantle already, Kev.

But I never brought anything home, Dad, because I stunk.

And you couldn't face that.

Hey, all I cared about was that you tried. Oh, don't give me that. You

winner.

Somebody you could brag about. Someone you could point to and say, hey, that's

my kid out there.

Well, here, it's the best I can do. I'm sorry.

Look, I'll admit I was a little disappointed in you, but...

That was a long time ago. I got over it.

Well, maybe I didn't.

All my life, all I ever cared about was trying to please you, trying to make you

proud of me, trying to fill that space on the mantle.

But you know what?

I just don't care anymore.

Oh, I wish I had the guts to tell that to my old man.

Huh?

I mean, nothing ever made him happy.

I mean, he was a bigger jerk than I was.

Yeah, I bet.

Hell, if I struck out or missed a block, I might as well not show up at the

dinner table. I mean, this guy was... Look, Dad, I don't care what your father

did to you. I care about us.

I thought you said you didn't care.

I mean...

I'm the one that can't cut it.

I mean, I couldn't cut it with my old man, and I'm not cutting it with you.

Come on, Daddy.

You're not that terrible.

Oh, no?

If I'm doing such a great job, how come my kid's living in a place like this?

For effect.

Look, Dad, I'm not a jock, and I'm never gonna be that football star you wanted.

You've just got to learn to take me for what I am.

That's not so tough.

I'm proud of you, pal.

Thanks, Stan.

All right, let's get out of here.

Okay.

Oh, wait a minute.

Still yours.

Thanks for everything, Kevin.

Hey, Wes, what are you doing up?

I'm hungry.

You want some turkey?

No, I'm just going to skirt the marshmallows off the yams.

So I hear you did this whole football thing because you were worried about me?

Yeah, sort of.

What's stupid?

I mean, I know I'm not that good, and I know Dad knows it.

But I don't care, because I'm having fun.

Oh, I didn't know that.

See, Mr. Belvedere explained it to me.

The reason things always bother you is because you're a brooder, and the reason

nothing hardly ever bothers me is because I'm a sociopath.

I'll try to remember that.

Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm glad you're back, because you're my brother,

and I worry about you.

Oh, thanks, Wes.

Sure.

Let's just try and get some sleep, okay?

In a few moments, my first Thanksgiving with the Owens family will be officially

over.

After a great deal of orchestration on my part, we actually had something to be

thankful for.

As usual, they provided me a cornucopia of chaos, dilemmas, intrigue, And

leftovers.

I don't even want to think about what they're getting me for Christmas.