Original subtitles

Kevin. And there he goes again.

Hey, Mr. Belvedere.

Heather, how was school?

Okay, I guess.

My sex education teacher's pregnant.

And who says teachers aren't qualified anymore?

I need some help.

You're not the only one.

Hi, everybody.

I'm breaking in my new ski boots.

You're supposed to walk around in them.

Boy, oh boy, I can't wait to hit that powder.

Anyway, you remember that community service club I joined?

Ah, yes, the Iron Maidens.

Well, we're going to this retirement home to read to the old people. Oh,

very nice.

I went to the library, checked out a bunch of books, but I'm not sure what

people like to read.

Well, let's take a look.

A Tale of Two Cities.

Treasure Island.

The Carpetbaggers.

Yeah, they're classic.

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

Will. by G. Gordon Liddy, practically the same thing.

And, of course, Born to Run, the Bruce Springsteen story.

Ronald Reagan liked him.

I'm sure any of these were perfectly fine.

Where's my cocoa?

Bad day at the office?

What's all this junk?

I'm supposed to read them to the old people.

You better read fast.

What's the problem, Wesley?

Nothing.

It's just you think you know somebody, right?

You sit in the same class, you play on the same team, you throw gum at the same

girls, and what do you get?

Suspended.

Well, I'll tell you what you don't get. You don't get invited to their birthday

party.

I must cut down on his sugar.

Never met her before.

Who cares?

When you got kicked a jacket, as you came through the door, no one bled. But

sometimes things get turned around and no one's fed.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that we can get.

According to our...

Life is more than mere survival.

We just might live the good life yet.

Wesley, I made a nice big cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows.

I don't want any.

I made it for me.

No, no. You said 4 .30.

Pick you up in front of the science building. I said the political science

building. Well, if you're going to split hairs.

Hi, kids.

Hi, Mr. Belvedere.

How was everybody's day?

Fine. And Wesley says he's quitting school.

Yeah, and I'm not kidding.

What's the matter, pal?

I want to talk about it.

You tell him.

Well, I...

Apparently, one of Wesley's classmates is having a birthday next Saturday.

And he handed out invitations to the entire class, with the exception of

and four others.

That stinks.

Beautifully put.

The thing is, it's Howie. And all this right down the street.

I thought we were almost best friends.

Wait a minute.

You talking about those high -polluting huffnagels with that cabin cruiser in

the driveway?

They had that party last month, remember?

All the fancy cars, the valet parking?

We didn't get invited to that, did we?

Hey, that's no big deal.

Yeah, honey, we'll do something ourselves on Saturday. Something real

Like what? How about the Rod and Reel show?

I got a couple of freebies.

All right.

You can come with me to the retirement home.

I don't like old people.

All they want to do is hug and kiss and pinch and yuck.

Wesley.

Would you mind if I made a suggestion?

Would it matter?

What is it, Mr. Belvedere? Well, it simply occurred to me that Wesley might

a little party on his own.

But who's going to come?

Yeah, who's going to come?

Everybody's already going to house.

Not everybody. You said yourself there were others.

Oh, them.

Yeah, well, I think it's a wonderful idea, Mr.

Belvedere. Those other children have feelings too, honey.

Yeah, I suppose.

Listen, it'll be great.

We'll play some games, have some cake. I can just picture it.

refreshment.

Yeah, so?

So, it's a little vague.

I'm allergic to six of the seven basic food groups.

So, does everyone like my new party dress?

Yes, it's very nice.

At first, Mother said no. She said it was too extravagant. But then her

happened, and she changed.

her mind.

That kid was popular till you got here.

Pardon me?

You looked out there?

I ain't never seen such a bunch of losers.

I'm sure they're perfectly lovely children.

Got one out there looks like an erector set.

of Prince Eugenie of Savoy.

Tempted and sickly, pallid and hunchbacked, he rose above those who

his appearance by driving the invading Turks back into the straits of

So when's he coming?

Oh, good.

Things are a little quiet out there.

Help is on the way.

Everybody ready for punch and cookies?

No, thanks. I ate before I came.

Me? Yes, please. Everything looks so delicious.

Don't spill.

Young lady, I wouldn't think of spoiling such a lovely party dress.

Don't patronize me, Hazel.

Is this flammable?

I have one for Miles.

And let's see, you must be Rhoda.

Hey, lighten up, kids.

I haven't seen this many droopy faces since the Cubs lost to the Braves 21

Hey, what a crazy game.

I mean, unbelievable. Wrigley Field, the wind's blowing out like 100 miles an

hour. All you gotta do is sneeze on the ball and it's gonna go out of there.

Okay, sports fans, I'll get it.

Yes?

Wesley? Party? Party?

Hi, guys.

Hi, Mr. Rajneesh.

Hello, hello, hello.

Hey, let's get down and get funky.

Hey, Wes, who's your friend?

This is Mr. Rajneesh. He's in our reading class.

Oh, yeah?

Actually, I'm just a school janitor.

But they let me sit in.

Non -violently, of course.

Well, we're very happy you could come, Mr. Rajneesh. Thank you.

Yeah. Nice to have you. Thank you.

Knock, knock.

Huh? Knock, knock.

Oh, who's there?

Gangadin.

Gangadin who?

Open the door, Gangadin.

Saladier said to invite everybody.

Okay.

Left foot.

Ready? Here we go.

You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out. You put your left foot

in, then you shake it all about.

You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around, kids, around.

Turn yourself around, Haji, baby, around.

over here?

Hi, Heather.

How'd it go with the old folks at home?

Great.

Hey, kitten.

Why don't you go help your brother pin some tail?

Dad, get real.

Kids are having a good time.

Yes, I see that.

Actually, they're not a bad bunch.

Even old Taj Mahal over there is kind of a cute little guy.

certainly fond of you. Yeah, they are.

Look, I know sometimes we don't exactly see eye to eye, and every now and then I

tend to jump the gun a little, but you've had stupider ideas.

Ah, shucks.

Hello?

What's that?

Wesley!

Bet he's eating his heart out, right?

Nope. He just wanted to know where I was. Said he wants me to come over right

now. Said I didn't need an invitation.

Oh.

So what do I do?

What do you think, pal?

I don't know.

Well, you have a choice.

You can either stay here with us and your invited guests and enjoy the nice

party everyone made for you, or you can leave.

Look at me.

Well, see you around.

I'm telling you for real, George, coming here from India was not an easy thing

for me.

But finally,

I decided to leave my country after my last bus plunge.

Last what?

Bus plunge.

Bus plunge, you know?

Brakes fail, tires blow, bus plunge off cliff.

Oh, bus plunge. I got you.

Can I call you Cam?

That's a good one, Georgie.

I can take a hint.

I don't need a building to fall on me.

Not a bad idea.

Goodbye. Watch the curb.

Was that Wesley?

No, it was Sarge. He had to go.

I don't know how we're going to straighten out this mess.

Actually, it's just a few paper cups.

I'm not talking about that, you dink. I'm talking about my kid.

I was merely making a joke, potted spurtle. Hey!

is if it wasn't for him and all his big ideas, we wouldn't be going through

this. No.

We'd be at the rotten real show.

Floundering. Now, just wait a minute.

Wesley is the problem here.

He's disappointed all of us, but it doesn't help matters for you two to be

at it like children.

He started it. I did not.

Put a lid on it. Sorry.

It makes me nuts, you know.

You try to raise a kid, give him a sense of whatever, and the first real...

something comes along.

You know what I mean?

Strangely enough, yes.

Oh, it is.

What are we gonna do?

There's really nothing you can do.

Hey, don't start on me.

George, I think he's right.

I mean, we told Wesley it was his decision. He made it.

That's that.

Wes, so how was Howie's party?

It was okay.

So how was my party?

Everyone said to say thank you for a very nice time.

So am I going to get a spanking, an OTV, or both?

No.

There's something new?

No, nothing.

I don't get it.

Look, we told you it was your decision.

And you made it.

Really?

Is there any cake left?

In the kitchen.

Great!

I'm going to have some cake.

Yes, it's nice when you can eat it too.

or spelling test.

Let me see it.

You got 100%. Yeah, Mrs. O 'Connor held it up in front of everybody.

She said I was a wonderful example.

You know how that makes me look?

Wesley, honey, do you think that maybe you're a little upset because of what

happened last week?

You know, with your party?

No.

Okay. Well, anyway, I'm very pleased with this.

Yeah, then you're probably going to want to frame this one.

A plus.

I know.

I know.

Good, Kevin.

Much better.

You know, I had a week of practice.

Didn't know I'd be ready in a few minutes.

Would you please tell everybody?

Oh, sure.

Why not?

Oh, now, look, Kevin.

Even the most experienced skier could have a mishap like that.

I doubt it. It happens all the time.

I wasn't skiing.

What?

I wasn't skiing.

You told me you ran into a tree.

I did.

Sort of.

I mean, it certainly was a tree at one time, but when I smacked into it, it was

sort of this pillar in the lobby.

Of the lodge.

I see.

Oh, but I almost hit a real tree.

Skiing?

Parking.

What

are

you watching, Wes?

Some show.

I think it's the McNeil -Lear report.

happen to Yogi Bear?

I don't know.

Oh, uh, isn't dinner ready yet?

Oh, dinner.

Thank you.

Come on, Mom.

Yeah, just a second. I'm almost finished with this chapter.

American tonight.

Now, don't let him fool you.

Macaroni and cheese is one of its favorites.

I know.

I wipe it off his tie.

Wesley? I don't want any.

What's the matter, pal?

Nothing.

But you love macaroni. No, I just don't want any.

Well, you've got to eat something.

Okay.

I guess so.

I bought you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

You didn't have much dinner.

I'm not hungry.

What are you doing?

Cleaning my room.

Let me feel your forehead.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm going to do some long division.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

He's the midget, right?

People couldn't guess his name.

No, I think that was Rumpelstiltskin.

Raskolnikov was a character in Dostoevsky's novel Crime and Punishment.

Oh, yeah. I got it mixed up.

So, what about him?

Well, in the story, he did a very bad thing, but he got away with it.

So?

So, although nothing happened to him, his conscience wouldn't let him rest.

Because he really wanted punishment.

Do you understand?

You mean like eating Brussels sprouts?

Yes.

Except in his case it was Siberia.

Frozen sprouts.

I'm sure to stay at my party.

There's nothing you can do about that now.

creep or something.

Okay.

Wesley, you're a creep.

You're just saying that.

Anyway, I figured if I did a lot of crummy stuff to myself, I'd feel better.

I don't.

Well, I think perhaps you're going about it the wrong way.

I don't know. I don't think anything's ever going to make me feel good again.

I'm certain we can think of something.

It will be long before I get rid of them, he thought.

What money was all that bought with, he asked at last, gazing at the wall?

Money? Why, your own. What the messenger brought from Va... Va... Varushin.

Varushin. Your mother sent him. Have you forgotten that, too?

I remember now, said Raz... Raz... Raskolnikov.

Raskolnikov, right.

After a long, sullen silence, he looked at him, frowning and uneasy.

The door opened, and a talked -out man, whose appearance seemed familiar to

Raskolnikov, came in.

Zosimov!

Zosimov! At last cried Raz... Raz... Razumihin!

Zosimov! At last cried Razumihin, delighted.

That's the end of the chapter.

This ends my first month with the Owens brood, which finds Kevin on the mend

physically, Wesley emotionally, and George, well, either he's getting better

or I'm building up a resistance.

It's obviously been a rather arduous winter for the entire family, and I can

only look forward with apprehension to the coming of spring, when the group

be free to roam about at will.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.