Original subtitles

No, no, I didn't say that.

Of course I like you, Billy. I like you a lot. It's just, um, there's no place

for us to be alone.

They are?

Your parents are going to be gone all weekend?

That's great.

I'm hungry.

Mom said if she's not home by four, you're supposed to start dinner. I'm on

phone, if you don't mind.

Hey,

Heather, you know Mom doesn't want Kevin near the appliances.

That incident with the microwave was months ago.

We almost had a meltdown.

Hi, kids.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Mom.

Heather, get off the phone and start dinner. One minute, Mom.

Heather, we've been through this.

Hi,

Mom.

Hi.

Well, how's everybody's day?

It's all right. Okay. So how was college, Mom?

Yeah, are you a lawyer yet?

No, honey, not for a few more years.

I don't think we'll last that long.

I know things are a little crazy around here. We're trying to get some help, and

you kids can do a little extra.

Mom, I'm going to go feed my hamster now, okay?

Oh, fine, honey.

I'm taking pretty good care of Vinky, huh?

Yes, he's a very lucky hamster.

So, did anyone call from the domestic agency?

Not on that phone.

Well, I don't have my own. Heather.

Oh, everything's mine. Oh, God.

Uh, Mom?

Kevin?

I'm proud of you, Mom.

Well, I'm proud of you, too, son.

No, you're not.

It's my report card.

Oh, Kevin.

Yes?

Five D's and a C?

I don't know.

I mean, you've never been a straight -A student, and that's okay, but you've

always managed to get at least one B, sometimes two Bs.

Or not two Bs.

Well, I hope you got that out of your system, young man, because your father

going to be absolutely furious.

You think so?

I mean, uh, you think so?

Is this the Owens residence?

Uh -huh.

And I take it you're one of them?

Uh -huh.

Is there someone here who speaks English?

Can I help you?

Good afternoon.

I'm Mr. Belvedere.

Are you Mrs. Owens?

Uh -huh.

And the family consists of you, one husband, and three children? Yes.

Nothing in the oven?

What? Well, that should suit me just fine.

What? Congratulations, Mrs. Owens. I'm your new housekeeper.

Sometimes things get turned around and no one's fed All hands

look out below There's a change in the status quo Gonna need all the

help that we can get According to our new arrival

Life is more than mere survival We just might live the good life yet

Pardon me, Mr... That's Belvedere. Lynn Belvedere. Lynn?

That's a girl's name.

Wesley. Wesley?

A difficult birth, I take it.

Mr. Belvedere, did the agency send you over? Is there something wrong?

No, no, no, no. It's just that I wasn't expecting someone like you.

No one ever expects someone like me.

Yes, well, regardless, before I hire anybody, I have to make sure that they

certain qualifications.

Yes.

I mean, do you know anything about cooking?

Cooking?

Isn't that where you put raw things over fire until they get hot and you eat

them?

Yes,

I've done that.

Good. I assume you'll want references.

Oh, yes, of course.

I take it this is the Winston Churchill?

Yes, ma 'am.

Well, I can't call him.

Well, this is all fine, but there's house cleaning, laundry, and what about

children? Well, as far as I'm concerned, they can stay.

fighting they behave themselves.

Well,

I'm very sorry, but I can't make a decision until my husband comes home. I

wait. I really don't know when that's going to be.

He'll be home in 20 minutes.

Thank you, Kevin.

Mr. Belvedere, I, uh, I have to see to dinner.

Ah, and my homework.

So, why don't you just sit down and make yourself comfortable?

Where?

Kids, how many times have I told you that the couch is not a closet?

Now take these things upstairs and do something with them.

Oh, uh, Mr. Belvedere, can I get you something?

Oh, no, no, no.

This popcorn will be plenty.

Pat's falling over.

Thank you.

Oh, some Billy called.

I was here.

He said something about needing an answer.

Oh.

He's in my algebra class. He needs lots of answers.

He's stupid.

Oh, really?

Hey, what you doing?

Oh, just straightening up a bit.

Yeah, well, we don't go in for that sort of stuff around here.

Such as?

Nothing. I mean, I just lost Inky's boss.

Inky? Is he the black sheep of the family?

No, he's a hamster. I'm taking real good care of him. Bravo.

Yeah, because if I show how I can be responsible, they say I can have a dog.

real pet.

I had a mongoose once.

Had to get rid of him.

My friends couldn't bring their cobras over.

I haven't even been hired yet.

Who are you?

Belvedere. Lynn Belvedere.

I'm George.

You're late, George.

Hi, honey.

Hi. Have you met Mr. Belvedere yet?

Yeah, I think so.

He's applied to be our housekeeper.

That's funny.

Well, I told him that I couldn't make a decision until we both had a chance to

discuss it. Oh, good.

Not today.

The thing is, my wife and I are looking for somebody a little more... Mediocre?

Yeah, right.

I'm sorry to hear that. Well, them's the brakes.

Yep, them sure is.

Please say goodbye to the children for me.

Oh, I will.

I hope you find someone what you're liking.

Careful you don't freeze your buns out there. I'll remember that.

Yes, I hope you have a warm coat in the car.

I'm afraid I don't.

You don't have a coat, I don't have a car.

Public transportation deposited me at your charming shopping mall.

I am bold the remainder of the distance.

That's five miles from here.

Well, so long.

Goodbye.

George, you can't just let him go like that.

Ah, he'll be okay.

He'll freeze out there.

He might make somebody a nice lawn ornament.

Just go get him, okay?

All right.

All right.

So, do we dress for dinner?

Pretty good, huh?

Oh, it's delicious.

And whose idea was the crushed potato chips on top?

Mine.

Oh, out of marshmallows?

I'm going to check the weather again.

Um, can I be excused?

Uh, yeah, me too.

I'm going to go feed my hamster now.

Yeah, just clear the table first and you finish your milk.

Still a blizzard out there. Oh, dear.

Well, I guess I'd better go make up the guest room.

Looks like you'll be spending the night.

I certainly hate to impose.

Force yourself.

Dad?

Yeah, buddy?

My grades.

Oh?

I don't believe this.

This is absolutely the worst report card you've ever brought into this house.

I know.

A D in woodshop.

How in the hell do you expect to get into college with grades like these?

You want to go through what I went through?

Breaking your back trying to get somewhere?

No, sir.

Well, you better straighten up, Junior.

Or one day you'll wake up on the wrong end of a wheelbarrow.

So I guess this kind of blows our deal, huh?

What deal?

You know, you said if I kept up my grades, I could get my driver's license.

Oh, right.

Well, you certainly don't deserve it. I certainly don't.

But with your mother at school and me so busy now, we're going to need someone

to drive.

What?

So you can get your license.

Just get those grades up, you hear me?

Happy motoring.

Is that you, Mr. Belvedere?

Yes, Wesley.

Hey, what's he doing?

Just a little relaxation technique I learned from a Himalayan yogi. I like

-boo.

Regardless.

I take it Master Inky is among the missing?

Yeah, so?

So, did he escape just now?

Well, not just now. Oh, today?

No.

Since the last autumnal equinox?

He's been gone for three weeks.

I see.

Then who's been eating all that lettuce?

lie can be exhausting i'm just scared dad's gonna find him denny's shoe or

shorts or where he hides his playboys or something i'm never gonna get a dog

well wesley i think if you tell your parents what has happened what you've

through i feel certain they'll understand and get me a dog no but

overrated anyway

Well, I guess I could tell him I'm going to the mall with Angela.

Hey, maybe the three of us could go, you know, see a movie or something.

I'm not chickening out. I want to be alone with you.

Yeah, see you tomorrow.

Bye, Billy.

Rape keeper after midnight?

I just had to call a friend.

None of my business.

Going upstairs, getting into bed. Be careful.

It can be treacherous in the dark.

Yeah, sure.

Thanks.

That must be Kevin.

Hello, Mr. Belvedere.

Nice to see you.

Everything all right?

Oh, fine.

acquainted with the feel of the wheel?

Yes. Yes, I am.

You must be looking quite forward to the open road.

Boy, and how.

Well, I'm sure you'll make a fine driver.

No, I won't.

I mean, I can't even leave a room without bumping into something.

How am I supposed to drive a car?

I'm gonna run over a nun. I just know it.

Kevin.

Kevin, that's ridiculous.

I can't drive.

Kevin, what's the problem?

You can master this machine. No, I can't. It must be something else.

No, it mustn't. Kevin, why won't you drive?

Because it doesn't stop there.

I mean, I get my license.

The next thing you know, I'm buying gas.

True.

I mean, you heard my father.

I've got all these new responsibilities.

Before I know it, I'll be married.

Three kids, second mortgage, talking to some insurance guy about...

Term versus whole life.

Bit of a brooding lad, aren't we?

I just don't want to grow up. Well, neither do I.

But I pretty much reconcile myself to it.

Really? Just between you and me, I still allow myself 15 minutes of childish

behavior every day, whether I need it or not.

What?

Roadrunner cartoons.

Meep, meep.

Guess I did get a little carried away, huh?

A little.

By the way, contrary to popular belief, bad grades don't necessarily stunt your

growth. Oh, no, my grades weren't so bad.

I forged my report cards.

Changed all my Bs to Ds.

Except the one in Woodshop. That was authentic.

Good night, Kevin.

Good night, Mr. Belvedere.

Oh, thanks for the lift.

What's all this?

It's called breakfast.

Just my way of thanking you for your family's hospitality.

Thank you.

Hey, what smells so good?

Oh, it's you.

Good morning, George.

Sleep well?

Like a log.

No kidding.

Bacon and biscuits are in the warmer.

Scotch eggs in the oven. Should be ready in about five minutes.

Good morning, Wesley.

What's going on, Mr. Belvedere?

Actually, I'm hitting the road now.

Where are you going?

I'm not sure.

I've always wanted to see Terre Haute.

Don't ask me why.

Well, be good, everyone.

Look, Belvedere, it's nothing personal, okay?

It's just with the two of us gone so much, we need more than just someone to

cook and clean.

I mean, we need someone who can relate to the kids.

Yes, I certainly see your point.

Oh, by the way, Kevin has changed his grades.

Downward. I'd ask him why.

Heather doesn't want to go all the way to Billy's house.

rather dirty but durable creature.

Thank you for

sharing him with me.

Well, goodbye.

Mr. Belvedere!

Mr. Belvedere!

Did I miss something?

I don't think we both did.

beautiful outside.

It's always like that before the acid rain starts.

Wesley. Mom, you can't let him leave.

Oh, honey, your father has made his decision. Hey!

Actually, it does look a bit hazardous out in a clear sort of way.

George, maybe Mr. Belvedere should wait until we're sure it's safe.

I don't care.

So you want to stay or what?

Wesley? Yeah, I'll take it upstairs.

Well, breakfast must be ready by now.

Mr. Belvedere, would you care to join us?

Thank you.

You sure you made enough scotch eggs?

Oddly enough, I made one extra.

Just one?

An American journal. The Odyssey

continues.

I find fate has deposited me with the Owens family, a somewhat provincial

household in the suburbs of Pittsburgh.

Although the individual members seem well -intentioned enough, they do seem a

bit out of touch with one another.

But... With a certain amount of patience and direction, I'm sure I can whip them

into shape.

Even George.

They're damn lucky to have me.