Original subtitles

Here's the money I owe you.

What took you so long? I had to break open my piggy bank.

Good thinking.

One penny, two, three, four, five pennies.

That's a good boy, David.

Now, I'll tell you something.

The money isn't important to me.

It isn't? No. What's important is that today you learned something about

business. You see, when you invest your money for profit, sometimes you lose

your investment.

You understand?

Does that mean you don't want the five cents?

Of course it doesn't.

Wait a minute, wait.

I'll give you another chance.

I'll lend you a penny.

Oh, boy, can I go first? Go ahead.

Hey, that's pretty close.

That's because he didn't hit my arm that time.

Roper.

I win, I win. You would have got that. Roper, what do you think you're doing?

Don't get nervous, Brooks. I'm just teaching David how to pitch pennies. Oh,

that all?

And this morning he taught me how to shoot craps.

In the house.

See you later, Mr. Roper. See you, David.

Now, Brooks.

What? You owe me a penny.

What? Well, if you hadn't come out that door and thrown me just as I was about

to...

upstairs and wash your hands. Up, up, up, up, up.

What is it? He's a manathan. We've got to get rid of him.

David?

Roper. Pitching pennies, shooting craps. Next thing you know, he'll be betting

on the horses.

He's at a very impressionable age.

Roper?

David.

Ann, I don't like the idea of our son learning those things from Stanley

You're right.

A boy should learn those things from his father. That's right.

No.

Ann, this is serious. That man is always around. Every time I open the door,

he's there, like smog.

Anyway, I thought he was supposed to get a job.

David? Roper, would you be serious?

Helen says he's having a very hard time finding the kind of work that would suit

him. I'm not surprised.

There's not much of a call for zombies.

Jeffrey, couldn't you find something for him at your real estate office? Yes, I

can. A home about a hundred miles away from here.

You did say you were understaffed. Oh, and he has no experience, no references,

no qualifications.

He has no charm, no personality.

He's a scruffy dresser. He can't speak properly. He scratches himself.

He's lazy, shiftless, unpunctual, and unemployed.

You don't like him, do you?

I didn't say that.

Well, as long as Mr. Roper's not working, David will always have someone

with. But then again, how important are qualifications, personality, references?

Good. Then you'll find him a job.

It's my only hope of giving David a chance for a normal childhood.

I'll get on it first thing in the morning.

Can I go see the lady wrestlers with Mr. Roper?

I'll get on it right away.

again?

No, I'm drinking it right here in the living room.

What do you got there?

Something to keep us fit.

Why?

Stanley, it's time we got some exercise. You know, at our age, the body begins

to run down.

My body hasn't run down.

I know. It never got wound up.

Please, Stanley.

Stanley, you left before I was finished.

You're making a habit of doing that.

Hollywood Squares is coming on.

No, don't turn on the TV. What?

All you do is watch television hour after hour.

Are you kidding? I read the paper, too.

Only to see what's on television.

Look, Stanley, I got these for us, and I want you to use them. What for?

The only way to keep the body firm is to exercise it.

Frequently.

I don't want to. I know you don't.

That's why I got you these.

It's a waste of money. My body's in great shape right now.

Here.

Oh, Mr.

Brooks. Mrs.

Roper, is everything all right? Oh, yeah, that was just the dumbbell.

Oh, I thought it might be.

Could I speak with him?

Oh!

Come on in. Thank you.

Ah!

Rupert! What do you want? Well, business is booming down at the office, and I'm

looking for a man to assist me on the sales staff.

Oh, Stanley!

It'd be a wonderful opportunity for the right man.

I don't know anybody offhand, but I'll keep my eyes open.

Stanley, you don't understand. He's offering you a job.

Huh? Oh, very... important job in real estate.

Oh, yeah?

Yes, putting out for sale signs and actually placing flags in front of the

houses and washing windows.

Oh, Dan, he can do that. I know he can.

Just a minute.

Do I look like a slob who washes windows?

You got a lot of nerve, folks, coming in here with your nose in the air, looking

down at us.

Embarrassing poor Helen here.

What?

Insulting Helen by offering her husband a degrading job. You should be ashamed

of yourself.

Stanley, why are you doing this?

For you, Helen.

Now, if you don't mind.

All right, if you can afford to turn away good money.

But, fair warning, you're not getting one more cent from David.

Oh, Stanley, I've never been so ashamed in my life.

Me too. The nerve of that guy.

I'm talking about you.

Well, you think I'm going to accept the first thing that comes along and then

live to regret it? Why not? I did.

Come on.

Look, Stanley, if you don't get a job, we're going to use up all the money we

got from selling the apartment building, and then what will we do?

We'll sell this house, and we'll live off the money from that.

Do you want me to do curtsy?

Oh, that's a pretty cap then.

Oh, thank you.

My maid has one just like it.

We were in the neighborhood, and, well, we couldn't leave without stopping to

say hello.

Why not?

We just got back from Lake Arrowhead, and you will never guess what we bought.

Lake Arrowhead?

Close. A cute little vacation cottage.

Only 14 rooms.

Sounds cozy.

It's right on the lake. We hope you'll drop in.

Would you like to sit down?

Let me hang your coat up to you. No.

Not yet.

What can Stanley get you to drink?

Oh, I would love a tequila sunrise.

I drank nothing else when we were in Barbados last month.

You must have been hot if you were wearing that thing.

Oh, you noticed.

In a moment.

It's sable. I know.

Stanley has a paintbrush just like it.

It's tequila sunrise.

What's in that?

Tequila.

Orange juice, a triple sec, and a little grenadine.

How about a ginger ale?

You're right there, right under your nose.

Granadine, triple sec. Oh, honestly.

Don't go putting on airs, Ethel. You know perfectly well they haven't got two

Krugerrands to rub together.

I don't know what you're talking about. There, you see, right there on the lower

shelf. Well, that's not under my nose.

Helen, I was just telling Hubert, you and Stanley must go to Barbados on your

vacation, unless you've made out a plan.

Yeah, well, well, we really had sort of planned on staying home this year. We

enjoy it. You must. You stayed home last year.

And the year before that.

Ethel, cut it out.

Don't forget, Ethel. I am not the president of my own company like Hubert

How could I forget?

When compared to you two, Helen and I lead a life that's simple, modest, and

humble. Oh, God.

Good Lord.

What is this?

I didn't have any tequila, so I had to use beer.

Of all the stupid things.

The man's not a bartender, Ethel. It was a natural mistake.

Stanley's a natural mistake.

No wonder he can't find a job.

Oh, for heaven's sake, Ethel.

If the right opportunity comes along, I'm sure Stanley will snap at it. That's

right. And who is going to give him this big break?

Oh, I am.

That's right.

What?

You're coming into the meatpacking business with me, Stan.

He isn't. He is. He is?

I am.

If you'd like to take a seat,

Mr. Arbus will be with you in just a few minutes.

Thank you very much.

What's he like to work for? He's very nice.

Flowers on your birthday or chocolate.

Sometimes he takes you out to dinner.

I'd like that.

Are you a secretary?

I'm one of them. He has another one who does the typing and filing and things

like that.

What do you do?

I mean, here at work.

I show people into his office.

Would you like some coffee?

I'd like a cup of coffee.

Want to send those bank presidents in on a double?

The High Time Travel Agency.

For those who want to travel first class.

La -di -da.

Morning, Stanley.

Oh.

I like your chair.

I think you'll like this one even better.

Ellen just called. She's inviting us over for dinner tonight.

You and me?

Ethel and me.

That's her way of saying thanks for the job.

The last time she said thank you, my stomach said you're welcome.

For a week.

Well, I suppose you're anxious to get started.

On what?

Oh, oh, oh, the job.

Um, I, uh, I'd like my workers to wear coveralls.

And you want me to tell them?

Don't bother.

Let me see, uh, I suppose... the sorting department will be as good a place for

you to start as any.

Sorting department? Sounds interesting.

Oh, it is. You'll be separating livers, spleens, hearts, lungs, various organs.

I don't think I can do that.

Not at first.

It's easy to pick up. I mean my back and all.

Besides Helen and me, we don't need that much money.

I thought you and Helen... No!

You need the money and your fancy cars and your trips to Barbados and weekends

in Acapulco and things like that.

What?

But Helen and me, I mean, we don't live like that.

Stanley, that was private.

Yeah, until Ethel starts blabbing at dinner tonight.

But believe me, she won't say a word about it. Well, that'll be first.

I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention it either.

Why? Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not taking Ethel.

Oh?

Well, of course... It's strictly a business trip, but Ethel just wouldn't

believe that.

You wear a purse?

My secretary bought it.

And she lets you use it?

It's an executive purse.

Coffee!

I made one for you too, Hubie.

Thank you.

Miss Cooper.

lunch today.

Fine. So I can pick up some new luggage.

Business trip, huh, Hubie?

That's right.

Well, don't you worry about a thing. I won't say a word.

Thank you.

On one condition.

I live here, remember?

No, I didn't want you to come home so early.

Oh, well, that thing didn't work out as planned.

What's that?

What's what? I mean, I didn't hear what you said before.

Never even. I never talked to a foot before.

This is good for the circulation.

That's true. The blood went right to your eyes.

What'd you say about your job?

I didn't get it.

But Hubert promised.

Well, Hubert doesn't have the last word.

You mean Ethel turned you down? Not Ethel. Union.

The union wouldn't let him hire me. They said it was some sort of technical

problem. Oh, Stanley, how could you? Me?

Every time I think something nice is going to happen, you go and have a

technical problem.

I can't tell you how sorry I am. I had no idea there'd be such a problem hiring

Stanley. Oh, we were so disappointed.

Yeah.

I think I'll borrow some ice.

Happy days are here again.

The skies above are clear again.

He's doing a good job hiding his disappointment.

It's a habit he picked up from me.

David, how about a game of checkers before dinner?

No, thank you.

Say, you weren't chewing on that pillow, were you?

Because you look a little down in the mouth.

And isn't he feeling well?

He's fine. He's been doing his homework all afternoon.

Homework? That's wonderful.

You see? You see what happens when Roper's not around?

Ah, Roper.

Back from the long day's toil, eh?

What? Come in.

Come in.

I need some ice. Of course you do. A man needs a cold, refreshing drink after a

hard day's work.

And tell him how good he looks.

How did the job go?

Oh, that, I didn't take it.

What did you say?

I didn't take the job. You see what... Of course I see. Why work when you can

funge off your neighbors? Ah, grow your own ice.

Jeffrey, get the ice.

Here, try some of this guacamole.

Oh!

Isn't guacamole supposed to be green?

Oh, yeah.

Stanley likes ketchup in it.

Hubert, what is this?

Huh?

First class airline tickets and hotel accommodations for Acapulco.

Huh?

Hubert.

Ethel, you've gone and spoiled it.

What have I spoiled?

My surprise for Stanley and Helen.

You know, to make up for the job.

I thought it would be a very nice gesture from you and me.

A nice charitable gesture.

Charity from me to Helen?

I like it.

But why is the room booked in our name, Mr. and Mrs. Armbruster?

It is.

Dumb travel agent. Remind me never to use him again.

Uh, Helen, um, Ethel has something to give you.

Yes, a little surprise. I was just telling Hubert you've been looking so

and drawn lately. And, well, since you can't afford a decent vacation, here.

Acapulco?

he lends you something and he acts like he's doing you a favor.

Stanley, Stanley, look.

I never saw this before in my life.

Of course you have.

Because it's for you.

For me?

It's not for me.

I'm not going to Acapulco with your secretary.

Secretary? Huh?

Hubert, I will give you five seconds to start groveling.

Benedict Arnold, we made a deal, remember?

What kind of a deal? Never mind, Helen. I think he's upset.

Upset? I'll show you upset.

I promised I wouldn't give Stanley a job, and he promised... We know what he

promised. Let me at him!

Hubert, stay!

Oh, Stanley, how could you? You lied to me about that job.

Now there's no vacation, no anything.

you and I spend any time together.

No, I don't know.

I guess since we were little girls at summer camp.

Oh, yes, we had a wonderful time, remember?

You set fire to my braids.

And we'll have even more fun this time in Acapulco.

Acapulco?

Well, why not?

I'm sure our husbands wouldn't object.

Of course I object.

Me too.

Unless they'd like us to stay here and remind them of how they tried to trick

us. Remind them every hour on the hour.

Could you pick up a little tequila while you're down there?

I can see that.

We had the most wonderful time.

We went everywhere, and why aren't you at work?

Work?

Hubert called and said that he gave you this wonderful job in the advertising

department. So why he did after what you did to him, I'll never know.

Let me tell you about that. Look, Stanley, if you blew a job with a lot of

response... Responsibility.

Responsibility. Well, Hubert said you'd be carrying a big load on your

shoulders.

He was right about that.

Well, then why aren't you working?

I'll show you why.

Here's the advertising job he gave me.

The Ropers was videotaped in front of a studio audience.

Vicki is reluctant to put down Jack's lack of performance in the bedroom to

another woman.

Three's a Crowd is next on Deja View.