Original subtitles

Stanley?

Stanley?

I was thinking of growing some roses this year.

Stanley? We ought to see the American beauties in here.

Forget it.

Listen, you're going to have to do something very unpleasant.

Helen, my back.

Not that.

Look, Stanley, I've got some bad news for you.

Oh?

It's your bird.

Oscar? Where is he? Did you let him out? No!

Oscar! Oscar! I don't think he can hear you.

Why?

I think he passed away during the night.

Oh, he's probably playing a trick on me. He likes to do that. Not this time,

Stanley. I think poor little Oscar's gone.

Oscar.

Oscar.

Come on, tell Popsie who's a pretty boy.

He never said that when he was alive. He's certainly not going to say it now.

Shh. I hear him ticking, Helen.

That's your watch.

You're right. He's gone.

Who am I going to talk to? Who's going to greet me when I come home?

I'll be here.

It's not the same.

I mean, he really liked me.

Oh, come on.

Stanley, it's not the end of the world.

Try telling Oscar that.

Well, anyway, you'll have your memories of him.

Good memories, too. You remember that time your sister Ethel came over and he

made a poopsie on her hat?

Remember that time he flew up your dress?

I remember.

I'm going to have to find something to bury him in.

Oh, there's a cereal box in the kitchen.

Cereal box?

Have you no respect?

Besides, I want to use the box tops to enter a contest.

I've got to find something better.

How about your jewelry box? Oh, no, you don't. What would I keep all my... Oh,

well.

I'll keep all my hairpins or something else.

I'll dig a little hole in the garden.

Oh, why don't you go next door and borrow a shovel?

Why don't you go?

Helen, I'm in mourning.

I'm not sure that I should donate this dress to the rummage sale. Why?

Wasn't this the dress I was wearing when you proposed to me?

You weren't wearing a dress when I proposed to you.

Oh, yeah.

Why not?

Well, because... Because, uh, Mommy, uh, Mommy was wearing flack. Oh.

Why don't you, uh, sit on the chair, David, where Daddy can see you?

Mrs. Roper, come on in. Good morning. Oh, good morning.

I was wondering if I could borrow a shovel.

It's for Stanley.

I hoped you were returning the hedge clippers Stanley borrowed last year.

Sure. I'll get the shovel.

Is Mr. Roper planning on doing some gardening?

In a way.

He's planting his bird.

Oscar? What happened to him?

He died during the night.

Oh.

Oh. Oh, dear.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Brooks.

Yeah, I think it must have been his heart. I found him this morning, legs in

air, stiff as a bone.

Oh, my God.

I thought perhaps just a simple burial.

Is there anything we can do?

Oh, no. We're just going to dig a little hole at the end of the garden and drop

him in.

I hope the neighbor's cat doesn't dig him up.

Mr. Roper?

No.

Oscar, our parakeet.

Oh, what a shame.

About your bird, I mean.

Helen, would you like some coffee?

Oh, well, if you're not too busy. Oh, no, I was just sorting out some old

clothes for the rummage sale.

Remnant sale?

Yeah, to raise money for our church.

Do you have any old clothes?

You gotta be kidding.

Doesn't he

look

natural? Holding a flower?

Nice touch.

Well, you better get your funeral over with because we're going to St.

Church. They're having a rummage sale.

Don't you have enough clothes already?

Very funny.

We have to find something to donate. I volunteered our help.

Our help?

Don't give me any trouble, Stanley. This is a chance to join St. Filbert's

congregation.

Why would we want to do that?

To meet the right people.

Ann says that they have very interesting social activities.

Activities? Oh, I forgot. You wouldn't know the meaning of that word.

Don't worry, Stanley. All you have to do is find a few things to give to the

rummage sale.

Well, don't give them anything good. Just give them some junk that we would

throw out anyway.

That describes everything we own.

I don't like the whole idea.

What have you got against the church?

Don't you remember?

That's where we got married.

Harper arrives.

He's coming here?

To pick up our donations.

Oh, good. Maybe I'll ask him to say a few words over Oscar.

You will not.

Now, let me think.

What else do I have that I don't need anymore?

All right.

The body's not even cold and you're selling his house.

Oh, thank you. And another thing. Things have gotten completely out of hand.

Everywhere you look, smut, smut, smut.

Smutty magazines and smutty newspapers.

Even the drugstores.

Smutty drugstores?

No, no, they're magazines. Especially that new drugstore right down the

They practically thrust their filthy magazines right under your nose.

Oh, really? I hadn't noticed.

Oh, well, they're on the top shelf behind the auto magazines.

You have to stand on tiptoe to...

them from the shelves to keep them from the eyes of the innocent.

But the way the law has tied our hands, there's not much we can do about it. We

can! We can! We can stamp it out!

That's true. They haven't tied your feet yet. That's right.

They... What about this old jacket?

Oh, old is right.

Just put it aside, Jenny, and I'll throw it out with the garbage.

Yeah, good idea.

It's so nice of you to help out.

I don't mind. After all, it's for a good cause.

Yeah.

Oh, you found my favorite jacket.

I was wondering where it was.

You giving away that dress?

Stanley, that dress is ten years old.

But you never wore it.

I know. It's a party dress.

It's so out of style. I just hope nobody finds out who donated it.

Is that why you put your name on the box?

Oh, yeah, Jenny did that.

Yeah, if you're going to give something to charity, I think they'd like to know

where it's coming from.

Mrs. Rupert. Oh, yes, you must be Reverend Harper. Mrs. Brooks said you

have something for us. Yes, well, a lot of it's been around for years. It may

not be very useful. This is my husband.

So you're friends of Mr. and Mrs. Brooks. No.

Mr. Brooks is a fine man. He's a leader in the fight against moral decay. A man

who always tries to be closer to God.

I guess that's why he's always got his nose up in the air.

Well,

I want to thank you for your generosity.

As I was telling Helen, nothing's too good for the church.

Would you care for a cup of tea, Reverend?

No, thank you. I can't stay. I have several more stops to make.

But all the rich people in your congregation, you must make out like a

Stanley.

No offense, Padre. Is this it?

Oh, you don't have to lift that.

Oh, well, I don't want to put you to any bother. That's no bother, no bother.

Jenny, you want to give Helen a hand with this stuff?

Well, that's very thoughtful of you.

No mention.

I'd like to ask you something. Well, I'm a bit busy. It's a religious question.

Oh, certainly, my son.

Do birds go to heaven?

Birds? Yeah. Well, he'd be right at home there.

He's got the wings and all.

I'm not certain there's a definitive statement concerning birds in heaven.

Well, if he doesn't go to heaven, I'd like him to have a nice burial anyway,

know, with flowers, somebody singing a few words over him. Oh, that might

present something of a problem, Mr. Moore. Don't worry about it. Listen,

time you bury somebody, just slip them in.

Ready for what?

We're going to the running sale.

What for?

To help out.

Haven't you helped enough already, giving away all our good stuff?

I only gave away stuff that we don't need anymore, like, oh, the birdcage,

old gardening magazine, some old clothes. Gardening magazine?

Yeah. Jenny found them in the storeroom. There must have been dozens of them.

Wait a minute. The ones in the cardboard box?

Yeah. Oh.

I think he mimes.

Why? They were just a bunch of old gardening magazines.

Yeah, I had no idea you were saving them. Why do you think I kept them in a

storeroom? That's what I'd like to know. You never do any gardening.

They weren't all gardening magazines, just the ones on top.

Oh, what was underneath?

Underneath were, uh, uh, art magazines.

They're going to find out.

Jenny put your name on the box, remember?

Jeffrey, how much do you think I should ask for these hedge clippers? I don't

know. Let me see.

I'd say $3 at least. Maybe a little more. Wait a minute. These are mine.

Are you sure? Of course I'm sure. I loaned them to Roper and he gives them

the rummage sale.

I tell you what. If they're yours, I'll let you have them for $2.

Daddy, can I have this comic book? David, you know I don't approve of your

reading comic books.

You read them.

Only if they're educational.

This is Sharkman.

Oh, Sharkman, let me see.

Oh, a giant clam swallows a submarine.

That's educational.

I'll tell you what, David, I'll let you have them for a dollar. Can I have a

dollar? Sure.

Wait a minute, what have you done to earn a dollar? I've helped you sell

comic books.

Well,

we're just about ready for business as soon as old Mrs. Wilson finishes setting

up. Oh, garden and home, that's one of my little hobbies. Oh, really?

You know, I do a bit of gardening myself.

What

is

it?

There's nothing, there's nothing. I was just amazed, amazed at the wonderful

turnout here today.

Hello, hello.

But there's nobody here yet.

practicing. Hello!

It's hard to believe they grow that large.

What?

Sunflowers.

Sunflowers. Well, Reverend, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'm going to set this

little copy aside for you right now.

Sure, go. No, no, no, no. David, go see how old Mrs. Wilson is. Are there any

more? Oh, no, no, no, no.

See, I think it's time to open up the front doors now. I wonder what happened

Helen. She was supposed to be helping out. Probably ashamed to show her face.

Why? Never mind.

Hi, Mommy.

Hi, David. You having fun?

Daddy told me to go see how old Mrs. Wilson is.

He says she's 72 if it's any of your business.

She's 72.

He said, Stanley, smile. Don't let anybody see that something's wrong.

Forget it. You can stop smiling.

And take off that horrible jacket and straighten up your shoulders and don't

wander off.

Do you mind if I breathe?

Yes.

I want you to go find those magazines and sneak them out before somebody sees

them. It's all Jenny's fault for snooping around.

Oh, stop blaming Jenny. She feels bad enough already.

Well, she ought to. You know how long it took me to collect that, that, that,

that... That, that smut?

I don't know how you could buy such trash.

It's cheap, cheap, cheap.

You sounded just like Oscar.

Oh, Mrs.

Roper, I was just browsing through your magazines.

Oh, yes, it seems we share some of the same interests.

We do?

You'd be surprised at some of the things I've done behind the church.

Reverend Harper!

Well, it helps me to relax while I work on my weekly sermon.

Uh, Harper, anything in particular you're frantically searching for?

Just browsing.

Ah.

Hoping I can find a book. Oh, book!

Something interesting.

The history of strip mining in Brazil.

I'll wait for the movie.

You don't happen to have any gardening magazines, do you?

Gardening magazines.

Gardening magazines. Oh, let me... Oh, did the reverend buy them all? The

reverend? Or was it his wife?

Didn't you contribute some gardening magazine?

Not me. Helen. Helen. But she didn't know what my plans were for the spring.

want to plant a lot of lilacs and roses.

Could these be ordered?

I'll take the whole box. All right, wait a minute. Now, how much are you willing

to offer?

50 cents.

50 cents each? Well, that's very generous.

No, 50 cents for the whole box. Oh, come on, Roper. They're worth a lot more

than that. I'd say, oh, $35.

But I donated them. Oh, yes, and a most generous act of charity it was. You,

only you, know the real worth of this box.

Oh, golly, let's take a look. No, no, no, no.

It does go to charity, doesn't it?

Well, I think you'll get a lot of wear out of it.

Thank you.

Oh, hi, Helen. Oh, hi, Ann.

Oh, hey.

What a nice jacket.

I'll let you have it for $5.

Mommy, how much is it, that bird?

Well, now, that fits much better. What do you think?

I feel like a popsicle.

What'd you do with my old jacket?

Oh, that came in real handy. I needed something to wrap up the garbage.

Oh,

speaking of garbage, Stanley, I want you to get rid of those filthy magazines.

After all the trouble I went through to get this back?

I will not have that trash in my house.

Helen, there's nothing wrong with looking at the human body.

Then how come you never want to look at mine?

I've seen it.

These are all gardening magazines.

Take that, Sharkman. Shouts and hits the oil pirate in the snorkel. And the

pirate looks at him and says, Gurgle.

Gurgle.

Gurgle.

And sinks to the bottom of the sea.

How do you like that, David?

David? David!

that my jacket? Huh? That's my jacket!

Should have known.

Helen got this at the church sale. Rupert, I've had that jacket since prep

school. I'd like to buy it back.

I don't know.

I got attached to it.

How much?

Well, if it means that much to you. How much?

I'll make a deal with you.

You know those magazines that I bought from you?

Yes. Well, underneath them were other magazines. What about them?

You tell me where they are, what you did with them, I'll give you this jacket.

All right. All right? All right, it's a deal.

Okay, what'd you do with it? I threw them in the incinerator.

Give me my jacket back! Give me my jacket back!

What's going on in here?

He burned the magazines.

Isn't that a shame?

What are you doing with Stanley's jacket? A deal's a deal, Mrs. Roper.

happened to the sleeves?

Didn't I mention that? Roper?

A deal's a deal, Brooks.

Don't worry, Mr.

Brooks. Ann can lengthen them for you. Oh, good.

Jeffrey, what were these magazines doing on your dresser?

What's what's what?

What, girly girl?

Nudes? Broad?

Well, those. Those. I was just saving those to burn them in the fireplace.

We don't have a fireplace.

Well, we don't have one now, but we're going to have one very, very soon.

And picture, if you will, a fireplace over here.

Somewhere over here, a big flue. And we could all roast weenies and

marshmallows. Just right down here. We'll all gather around. Oh, my God.

My God.

I hate you.

Stanley.

No, I wouldn't. I found it in the whole closet. I was going to get rid of it.

When?

As soon as I finished the crossword puzzle.

Oh, Jenny, there you are.

We expected you at the rummage sale. Where were you? I was looking for

something. Probably found it, too, if I know you.

I hope you like it.

Stanley says thank you.

Oh, I'm so happy.

A new little bird. A brand new bird cage. And all these crossword

puzzles.

The Ropers was videotaped in front of a studio audience.