Original subtitles

Ah, good morning, Mrs. Roper. Oh, Mr.

Ramirez. Are you working an extra day this week?

Yes, I need the money to send to my wife in Guadalajara.

Oh, of course.

How much will you need to bring her up here?

Oh, I don't send the money to bring her up here.

I send the money to keep her down there.

Bye, honey. I'll see you at lunch. Bye.

I was just watching Jeffrey kiss you goodbye and wondering why Stanley never

does that.

Maybe he thinks I'd object.

No, I mean, why he doesn't kiss me goodbye.

Oh, Jeffrey always kisses me when he goes to the office.

Stanley wouldn't kiss me like that if he was going to the electric chair.

Hey, come on. How about some coffee?

to start the morning with something that perks.

Sit down, Ellen.

Why are you so depressed?

Oh, I don't know.

I guess I'm just an incurable romantic. I keep expecting fireworks all the time.

Oh, what's wrong with that?

I'm living with a damp fuse.

How about a sweet roll? No, thanks.

Hey, Ann, am I wrong to expect so much out of Mary? after all these years?

Oh, of course not.

I don't know. I look at you and Jeffrey and... Mm -hmm.

Good coffee.

How do you do it?

Oh, the secret is to use a low heat and keep it simmering.

I was talking about how you keep Jeffrey interested.

So was I.

You know, just... Because Stanley's been taking you for granted doesn't mean it

has to stay that way. It doesn't? No.

Everyone's relationship gets stuck in a rut sometimes.

You know, I had this girlfriend, and she was dating this guy for a long time,

but he kept putting off getting married.

So one day, an old boyfriend of hers called her up and asked her out. And

how you got Jeffrey to propose to you? Yeah.

Oh, I wish I had some old boyfriends around.

Hey, maybe you don't need any. What do you mean?

What if you invented an imaginary lover?

I don't have to. I've already got one.

I mean, what if Stanley thought that another man was interested in you?

You mean pretend that there's someone else just to make Stanley jealous?

Yeah.

Oh, I don't know, Ann.

You're right.

That's a little sneaky and... Underhanded? Yeah. Yeah.

What do you think I should name him?

You know, this is just like Peyton Place. I come over for a cup of coffee

end up having an affair.

Hi.

Oh, hi, David.

Mr. Orber suddenly needs you badly.

Really?

David, that's not the Brooks attitude.

I mean, life is so full of wonderful new things.

All you have to do is open your eyes and your ears and learn to observe them.

Now, David, haven't you observed anything today?

Well, Mrs. Rope was having an affair.

Very good.

Mrs.

Rope was having what?

It makes you say such a terrible thing.

I observed it this morning.

The what?

I heard Mommy and Mrs. Wilbur talking about it.

What's an affair?

An affair is like a big party.

Like the affair I took your Mommy to at the tennis club last week.

You mean like with ice cream and cake?

Yes.

Because... Ann?

Hi, Jeffrey. Lunch will be ready in a minute.

David says that Mrs. Roper is having an affair.

You shouldn't listen to things like that, David. But Daddy told me to.

Jeffrey. I... Go in the kitchen and have lunch, David.

Can I ask you something?

No. Poor thinking, Ann.

We must not curb his natural curiosity.

David, what is it? Why did you put your brave cake on my thinking pictures?

No.

Why must he collect these things?

Well, you told him it was good for him. And what about this affair that woman is

having? Oh, that was my idea. I told her to.

Oh.

Stanley just got home, so call me right back, okay? And I'll pretend it's my

lover calling.

What? Oh, you don't have to worry. I'll take care of everything else. Okay.

Bye.

Who was that, Helen?

Oh, oh, oh, that was Ann. I told her I couldn't talk to her right now because

I'm expecting a very important phone call.

And I'm expecting lunch.

Well, you'll just have to wait, Stanley. Didn't you hear me?

I'm expecting an important phone call. Oh.

And I'd rather you wouldn't ask me who it's from.

Oh? There's no use trying to drag it out of me, Sammy.

That's all I can tell you.

Oh.

Okay.

Oh, that must be my very important phone call.

I'm a married woman.

Listen, you don't understand.

My husband is home.

He's right in the room with me.

phone company's trying to raise their rates again.

Didn't you hear anything?

First I heard of it.

I mean, I was just on the phone now talking to someone.

Don't you even care who it was?

Okay, who was it? Who was it? Who was it? Well, these questions never end.

Oh, all right.

If you must know, it was someone who wants me.

What? You didn't hang up? Hang up?

That's the only way to deal with those obscene phone calls.

This was not an obscene phone call.

Then what was it?

There's someone else in my life.

Huh? Someone who's crazy about me.

What?

Ellen.

Another man?

Yes. I see.

Helen, another man?

don't you, that some other man is interested in me?

Okay, Helen, who's the man?

Wild horses wouldn't drag it out of me.

It's all right, you don't have to tell me. It's Ramon.

Ramon?

Yes, and I don't know how long I can hold him off.

I mean, Stanley, you know how hot -blooded these Latin men are?

Come on, Helen, there is no Ramon. Oh, that's how much you know.

I know what I know, and I know you.

Oh, you think you know? You know me, but I know you don't know.

I don't know.

I'm glad you admit it.

All right.

Prove there's another man. Invite this Ramon over for a drink.

Invite Ramon over for a drink? Yeah, if he really exists.

He exists?

Okay.

How about tonight?

Tonight?

Unless he has a bullfight to go to.

Tonight will be fun.

I think I'll make a sandwich.

Aren't you going to call him?

Trouble?

Didn't the phone call work? No.

Stanley didn't believe me.

Oh, that's too bad. And now I have to invite him over for cocktails.

Stanley? No, Ramone.

Oh, Helen, that's terrible.

Who's Ramone?

i think you're going to have to tell stanley the truth you're right i will

on my deathbed what are you going to do in the meantime

i don't know

Oh, I don't know what I'm doing.

You need a key ring. I need a man.

Yes. Oh, well, in that case, do you think you could be Latin?

I could try.

to be embarrassed about.

Everyone enjoys them.

look different underwater.

Roper?

Brooks, what are you doing here? What are you doing there?

I was just trying to show Linda how long I can hold my breath underwater.

Oh, could you show me for about 20 minutes?

What are you even doing here? You should be at home paying attention to your

wife. She's acting very strange, you know.

Maybe I have stuff about her seeing another man.

You mean she's already found another one?

There's no other man. She just invented a guy to make me jealous. Some guy named

Ramon. But I got even with her.

I had her invite him over for a drink tonight.

Robert, are you sure there's no other man?

Of course there is. If there was, I'd do what any man would do.

You mean you'd stand up and fight?

Are you crazy?

I never hit hell in my life.

No, no. If she'd fall in love with another guy, I'd just move out.

You mean you'd actually leave?

Yeah. What you are saying to me is that you would sell your house?

Just like that.

Now,

isn't Ramon here yet?

Not yet.

Ellen, don't you know when to quit? You tried to fool me and it didn't work. You

know why?

Because you've got to get up pretty early in the morning to fool family

Helen! What are you?

Eleven American beauty roses.

Eleven? Yes, eleven roses, and you make a dozen American beauties. What

are you doing, Ramirez?

You can call me Ramon.

Okay. What are you doing, Ramon?

Ramon.

Stanley, I'm sorry you had to find out this way.

But you can't be Ramon. You're the gardener. Oh, who better to appreciate

nature's beauty?

Stanley, he's like the flowers I grow.

So full of life.

You're like the ground you fertilize. So full of... Oh, God!

for drinks. You invited them.

A glass of wine, Ramon?

Why not?

Because you're leaving. That's why not.

Danny, where are your manners?

Señora. Oh, thank you.

Honestly.

Ramon.

Usted es la señora más hermosa.

What? Don't do that!

Why not? I like it.

Come here. Come here. Oh.

How could you do this to me?

Why, I didn't think you'd care.

I didn't think you'd even notice.

After all those years of a happily married life, how could you drop me for

another man?

For what?

Who is it, Helen?

I am Ramon.

Another Ramon?

The Ramon? No, no. No, the phone company.

He's from the phone. I can't fix the phone. What are you talking about? The

phone's working fine.

It was working.

No, no, you don't understand.

I didn't come over here. Oh, just stand around. No, not at all. You came here.

to fix the phone and not a moment too soon.

Ramon? Yes?

Oh, no, I didn't mean you. I meant him.

Ramon, I think you'd better go. I don't think things will work out between us.

Mr. Brooks sent me. Buenas noches.

I'll just see what nobody wants. I'll get it. I'll get it.

Hey,

hey, hey, hey.

What are you doing, amigo?

What are you doing here anyway?

I am here because I am in love.

I cannot live without...

out to see who's going to marry Helen.

Marry? Brooks didn't say anything about marriage.

Hey, that's not part of my delivery.

She's yours.

Mom? Wait here first. Hey, don't leave without me.

I'd love to, but I'm already married.

Go ahead.

Go ahead, Stanley.

Go ahead and laugh.

Laugh? Me?

Come on, sit down, Helen.

Sit down.

I know why you did this, to teach me a lesson, so I wouldn't take you for

granted. So I'd pay more attention to you.

That's true, Stanley.

Well, from now on, you don't have to invent any Latin lovers.

Now, while I'm around, I'm going to be your Latin lover.

Oh, Stanley, do you mean it?

Si, si.

Where are you going?

Upstairs.

To the bedroom?

It's siesta time.

Stanley!

I, I, I, I, I like you very much.

Stanley,

I figured after last night you'd need an extra special big breakfast,

you know, to get your strength back.

Good idea, Helen.

You know, I was talking to Brooks, and I can't get over it. He hired a salesman

from his office to be one of the Ramones. Yeah. And Anne hired her tennis

teacher to be another one.

Yeah, but you already knew that both of those Ramones were phonies. Yeah, but I

could have sworn they were real actors.

Well, what made you think that?

You see the expression on their face when they kiss your hand?

They actually look like they enjoyed it.

The Ropers was videotaped in front of a studio audience.

Thank you for your question.