Original subtitles

What are you doing?

Polishing my bowling ball. Well, why aren't you polishing the stove?

Because you can't bowl with a stove.

Well, see how you like your meatloaf cooked on a bowling ball.

Come on. You said you'd help me with the cleaning.

House cleaning is not man's work.

That's true.

You can start on the broiler.

Oh, when you're finished with that, I want you to go out to the garage and get

rid of that pile of junk that's been sitting there.

We're not selling our car.

Talking about those boxes of useless things you brought with us from Santa

Monica. Oh, that's your stuff, not mine.

No, I only brought one useless thing from Santa Monica.

Just couldn't leave your mouth behind, huh?

And when you're finished in the garage, I want you up in the bedroom.

After all that work?

Can't help me with the closets.

Hi. Hi.

Want some gum?

Blow a bubble? It's easy. Just think your tongue out and blow.

Like this?

No, no. More like this.

Like this. David?

Oh, there you are.

Mr. Roper's teaching me how to blow bubble gum.

Oh.

David, how many times must I tell you gum chewing is an unpleasant habit for a

young man?

But, Mr. Roper... It's an unpleasant habit, too.

You see, David, you must always remember what Grandfather always said.

There are three things a Brooks never does.

He never... Keeps his hat on in the elevator.

He never... Wears stripes off his checked pants. And he never... Forgets

better than the next man.

That's a lot of stuck -up nonsense.

You see, David, you have a bigger responsibility than other boys. You come

a very distinguished family.

Now, the gun, please.

Thank you.

Hey, Brooks.

What's so special about your fans?

We've all been respected public officials and leaders. I don't know of

ropers who have left their mark on society.

Oh, no?

We had a cousin who was shot out of a cannon.

That's what you call making a mark.

He did when he missed the net.

Roper, you should be taken away in a net.

Oh, please.

down on your luck, eh?

Well, all right here, old fella. You get yourself a good meal and a haircut and

a bath.

No, you got the wrong house there next door.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm getting so I can't even read my own writing.

Yeah, well, maybe you ought to get glasses.

I guess so, pretty lady.

Of course, not until you need them.

And I will the minute I can't spot a lovely lady like you.

So,

I'm looking for the house next door, huh?

Yeah. I might have guessed.

Guess what? Oh, no, nothing. I just, uh...

Thanks again.

Oh, you're welcome.

Yes?

Oh, Mrs. Brooks?

Yes.

Jeffrey's got more on the ball than I thought.

You know Jeffrey?

I should.

I'm his Uncle Bill.

Uncle Bill?

Come in. Come in.

Not the one Jeffrey said was a... Bum?

No.

No, actually, he didn't say that. Good. I prefer hobo. Well, it has a nicer ring

to it.

What's a hobo? Well, it's a free spirit, son. King of the road. A man who rides

the rails. In short, one of the last patrons of Amtrak.

Jeffrey's just taking a shower.

That's where I left him 20 years ago.

Ann, have you seen my soap on the road?

Oh, now, look.

I've already given you money. Now, what more do you want?

Hey,

Jeff, my boy.

What? Jeffrey, don't you recognize him? Why should he? I didn't recognize him

outside. Hey, you know, last time I saw you, you had a full head of hair like

David has here.

My childhood barber, Mr.

Phipps.

Jeffrey, this is your Uncle Bill.

Oh, no.

How did you get my address?

Your father gave it to me.

Uncle Bill, I hope you'll be able to stay.

Oh, no, I don't think so, Ann.

Uncle Bill probably doesn't have time. What with his busy schedule. Say, can I

drop you somewhere?

I know you have things to do. A freight train to catch.

Oh, isn't that all the time in the world?

You want me to stay? Well, just until my mail catches up with me, I gave him

this address.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Make yourself comfortable.

Lunch will be ready in a little while.

He's your uncle.

So, Uncle Bill, what have you been doing with yourself all these years?

Well, last month I won a tobacco spitting contest.

How far did you spit?

David, 26 feet. Uncle Bill? Of course.

I had the wind behind me. Will you teach me how to spit?

Well, sure, I will. Come on, come on. Let's go out, Doc. Hey, excuse us,

It's been 26 feet. Can you believe that?

Well, he said he had the wind behind him.

The wind?

Oh, my God, the neighbors.

Now, you see, you purse up your lips like this.

Save it.

You're going to feel weak.

Do not spit.

Hello, Ruffer.

Who's the strange -looking guy with your kid?

Oh, that's the handyman. The handyman? Yes, go inside, David. Now, I think it

would be very nice if you started by just hosing down the wall. What?

Just a second.

I got a garage that needs cleaning up. You interested?

Aren't you the fellow who lives with that lovely lady?

No, I live right here with my wife.

How much to clean the garage?

I'll give you... I'll give you $2 .50 an hour.

Oh, that's more than he's giving me. Figures.

Yeah.

I think I just got an offer I can't refuse.

No, wait. What's your name?

Just call me Bill.

Bill. Bill. Okay, the garage is right around there to the left.

Gotcha. No, wait.

Brooks. A word of advice.

You can't keep help unless you pay him a decent wage.

It's my uncle. He's got a job with Roper as his handyman.

Why? Why?

Because Roper is the devil, Aunt.

He should be exorcised from this neighborhood.

If this ever gets out. Oh, Jeffrey, stop worrying.

You have lots of things to do. Like shooting myself?

There are people coming to lunch today. Remember?

The Barrett's?

Reverend Parkinson?

The congressman?

Today is the party fundraising lunch?

Oh, no, I am going to shoot myself.

Oh, no!

There are four of them, you see, in his boxcar.

One -eyed Louie, four -finger Bates, big -nosed Sammy, and me.

Who are you?

I was me.

No, no, no, I mean, didn't you have a nickname? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, but, uh,

well...

It's kind of embarrassing.

Now, come on. What was it?

Killer.

Killer?

Yeah. Why do they call you killer?

You sure you want to know? Yeah, come on. Tell me.

Ah.

It happened in this flop house in Jersey.

Things were turning real bad, and I was the only one wearing heavy boots.

So I could stomp them real good.

Dump them to death?

Yeah.

64 cockroaches in a single evening.

Oh, you.

Helen.

Helen, this is no way to get the work done. Oh, come on, Stanley. It's Bill's

coffee break.

I'd like to hear the one about the clean garage.

Oh, come on in the kitchen, Bill. I got some cake you'll just love. Oh, I'll

tell you. I'll feed them later. You know, I want to tell you... Helen. You

big nose Sammy. Yeah?

I meant the

Ropers. Uncle Bill here?

Yeah, but he's... Uncle Bill?

He's your uncle?

No, he's my father's uncle.

Your father's uncle?

You mean that old bum is a Brooks?

Yeah, Uncle Bill.

A Brooks.

A Brooks.

Imagine that.

I got a Brooks working for me.

I hate to trouble you, but it's about your handyman. Always going to work out

just fine with a little supervision.

As a matter of fact, I was thinking of hiring him on a regular basis. Regular

basis? Yeah, clean up the yard, take out the trash, wash my car.

Wash your car?

Maybe you're right. Maybe I shouldn't trust him with something that important.

That's right, that's right. A drifter like that, I wouldn't trust him with

anything. You think...

You think I should get rid of him? But that's a good idea, and I'll give you a

list of first -class handymen. Brooks, Your Honor, I'll get rid of him right

now.

Oh, Mr. Brooks!

Since he's your uncle, I think it'd be rude of me to call him by his first

Calling me?

Stanley!

Helen, you know, life is funny. This wonderful man, who I got working for me

$2 .50 an hour, I just found out is the uncle of Jeffrey P. Brooks III.

Really?

Your uncle?

Bill, Bill, your nephew doesn't think that you should be working for me. Oh.

Now, he thinks that you're... A guest here.

You shouldn't be working. You should be relaxing.

That's right.

Stanley?

Oh, I got even a better idea.

Why don't we all go to the hot tub? Oh, sounds like fun.

See, there's always a big crowd there on weekends.

There'd be a great chance for you to meet some of Jeffrey's friends.

Hey, that's a terrific idea.

And I'm sure they'd love to hear some of Bill's stories. Hey,

you think so, Jeffrey?

Three!

Bill, come on. I got a pair of shorts I think might fit you. Come on upstairs.

Oh, Mr.

Brooks, I bet you just can't wait for your friends to meet your uncle.

You're right. I can't wait.

Hello!

Hello!

Enjoying the waters, I see.

It's very, very therapeutic, you know.

Well, yes. Just minutes ago, Roper was telling me that by just sitting in this

very hot tub this morning, he completely cured his athlete's foot.

what this neighborhood is coming to.

I mean, naked protesters right out there on our street.

path with people.

Jeffrey, I embarrass you, don't I?

Embarrass me? How could you possibly think that... that you embarrass me?

is it?

The old clothes I wear?

Well, no one could ever accuse you of being one of the Brooks brothers.

Brooks.

Clothes don't make the man, Jeffrey.

Fond pride of dress is sure a very curse.

If fancy you consult, consult your purse.

That's easy for you to say.

Well,

what do you expect? He was trying to sell almanacs to poor people.

Why, the Brooks family always was big on judging by appearance.

Oh, Uncle Bill, why couldn't you have been a lawyer, a doctor, or a

Well, I guess I'd rather try to earn an honors with him.

By entering spitting contests?

You know something?

Jeffrey, you haven't changed a bit since you were a child.

Oh, thank you. Yeah?

You were a stick in the mud then.

And you're a stick in the mud now.

I was not a stick in the mud. I was mature for my age. Mature, I'll say.

When E .F. Hutton talked, you were the only eight -year -old who listened.

Just a second. You make it sound like I had no fun at all. Well, you didn't.

You're the only kid I ever knew who smuggled in his homework aboard a

trip. I remember that. The only thing I caught that day was a cold.

And a fish. The fish. Oh,

you're right.

You're right. I caught a perch.

And you took a picture of me holding it.

It's funny how you forget things.

Funny how you forget life.

What?

Jeffrey, your lunch guests are arriving.

Oh, no, I haven't had time to change.

Yeah, well, I guess I better get my gear and mosey down the road. Maybe see some

buddies in San Diego.

Aren't you going to try the hot tub?

No, it seems to have gone cold.

Nice party, Brooks.

I won't forget your help. Well, thank you, Congressman.

Would you excuse me?

So long, kiddo.

Goodbye, William.

Jeffrey, you forgot to ask him to lunch. Well, I... I'll get that.

Oh, Mr. Brooks.

I'm sorry. We have guests. Yes, I know, but I just wanted to give this to Bill.

This was delivered to our house. I guess you gave our number by mistake.

I wish I'd got your number 20 years ago, lovely lady.

Oh,

can I borrow your spectacles?

Bill!

Why don't you read it outside? The lighting's much better.

Oh, no.

Roper's got the congressman cornered.

Another thing.

You come here, you ask all your rich friends for money for campaign funds.

How come you never ask the poor people for money?

Well, well, everybody got everything they need.

Hey, how about that?

They sold the screen rights to my book.

Your book? Yeah, yeah.

It's coming out next month. Hit the tracks, Jack.

Bunch of yarns I strung together.

You're an author?

But you never said you'd written a book.

Have you written it into a movie? Looks like.

Thanks for the loan.

And, uh...

Well, that was nice meeting all you folks.

You're leaving so soon? Leaving? I should say not.

Do you think that I would let my Uncle Bill leave without saying hello to my

friends? Attention, attention, everybody.

I want to introduce you to my Uncle Bill.

A true blue Brooks.

and a student of Americana. A wonderful man whose new book is going to take this

country by storm.

Yay!

You know, he used to work for me before he became a famous writer.

Uncle Bill, say hello to the congressman. Hello.

So you're a writer.

I want you to know that I'm a thousand percent behind the arts.

What is your book about, Mr. Brooks?

Hobos.

Hobos? Yes. Yes, yes, it's a wonderful tale of the road. You see, my Uncle Bill

here actually pretended to be a hobo himself.

Yes, yes.

He lived with hobos, ate with hobos, actually talked to

hobos. Because that's the kind of author Bill Brooks is.

Really? Yes, well, I guess I can only write about the things I know from first

-hand experiences.

And what is your next book going to be about?

The History of the American Cat House.

Oh, Stan! Stanley, look, it's from Bill.

Oh, oh, look.

He sent me a copy of his book, and he autographed it to a lovely lady

from an old hobo.

Isn't that sweet?

To a lovely lady.

Well, I guess anything would look good after spending a lot of years with a

bunch of guys on a freight car.

You told me that everybody has at least one book in them, so I think I'm going

to write mine.

You write a book?

Mm -hmm. I already have the title.

My Hot Times with Stanley.

Helen, you wouldn't. Oh, don't worry.

It's all...

The Ropers was videotaped in front of a studio audience.

Thank you for watching.