Original subtitles

Stanley.

Stanley, time to wake up. Come on.

I got something real nice for you.

Not now, Helen. It's too early.

Not that.

This. What?

Don't you remember what day this is?

Yeah, Sunday.

It's our anniversary.

23 years.

You woke me up to tell me that?

And to give you your present.

What is it?

Something to make you more macho.

I'm not going to take any more of those vitamins, Helen.

For heaven's sake, open it.

A pipe. You got me a pipe.

And some tobacco.

Why?

Isn't that what you put in a pipe?

I thought you didn't like me to smoke.

Oh, yeah, but see, the girls down at the beauty parlor were reading this

magazine article that says that men who smoke pipes are more... romantic.

Come on, Helen, don't take all the fun out of this.

23 years today, huh?

Yeah.

I don't suppose that you remembered to buy me one.

I didn't know you wanted a pipe.

present.

Are you kidding? How could I not think of buying you something?

You've been dropping hints for weeks.

I have not. What about all those ads for fur coats?

Oh, Stanley, you didn't. No, I didn't.

I got you something better.

Oh, you did remember. I was sure you'd forget.

Oh, it's a clock.

Not just a clock. It's an antique mantel clock.

Oh, it's beautiful. How much was it?

You don't ask somebody the price of a gift, especially an expensive gift like

this. Oh, yeah, you're right.

A hundred dollars.

A hundred dollars? Yeah, it's worth a lot more, but I got a very good buy.

Oh, it's lovely.

Yeah, see, the antique dealer was trying to clean out all his stock because he

was in a hurry. His van was double parked.

Well, it's still lovely.

You deserve a great...

Nothing but golf, golf, golf. You mean nothing but nag, nag, nag.

I thought we were going skiing.

You can't ski with golf clubs in. It throws you way off balance.

I thought you'd enjoy learning how to play golf.

I might if you didn't criticize me. And you're standing all wrong.

And you're not keeping your eye on the ball. And that's just when I was

your golf bag.

Certainly not.

You dug a lot of them.

Not intentionally.

Oh, no.

Jeffrey, Jeffrey.

Yes, yes.

No, no.

Wow, we've been robbed.

Oh, Stanley, I'm so glad you're here because... I need your opinion.

Sure. Yeah, do you think my new clock looks better here on this table, or do

think it'd look better over there on that table?

Looks better here.

Thank you.

Oh, look at this. What's that?

Ah, the Brookses are back home.

I thought I heard somebody kick in my car.

Oh, I'd like to kick some...

You have to keep puffing that smoke.

You know, Helen, you're right. A pipe makes a man feel more like a man.

Really, Sam?

Keep puffing. You just keep puffing.

Hey, look at that.

It's a police car pulling up outside.

Police? What'd you do?

Me nothing.

It's the dog.

You didn't get a license for a muffin, did you?

You were supposed to do that. You were supposed to do that.

Oh, damn me. Will they take my little muffin? Look, just calm down.

If they come in here, I'm going to handle this in a man's way.

What will you do?

Pretend we're not at home.

Well, whoever did it just forced the lock on the back door. After that, it

easy. Why did they come through the back garden?

Couldn't they see the lawn had just been seeded?

You'd be surprised how few burblers are garden lovers.

We never used to have crime in this area.

It's that new housing project.

Oh, you think so? Oh, sure. It's a den of thieves. Really?

That's where you should start your investigation, officer.

It's right down the road. I know where it is. I live there.

Of course, I'm not saying that they're all criminals. Thank you.

I checked through the kitchen. The only thing missing is the blender.

Blender. Which I lent to the ropers next door.

Oh, yes, rovers. It might be worth talking to them.

I've never thought so.

Not your type, Mr. Brooks? Probably moved here from the housing project.

Why do you always have to act so superior?

I?

Act superior?

And that's ridiculous. I'm way above that sort of thing.

Hi.

Well. Hi there.

Do you live here?

I'm a cop from the 12th Division.

Oh, good.

Then you can help me with this case.

What's the first thing we should do, Sergeant?

Captain.

I should have figured.

Captain? I think we should jump in the car, chase after them with a siren

Good. Then you can jump out and arrest them single -handed.

How's that? Okay, but I'm not allowed to cross the street.

Oh.

I'm not really a policeman. Oh, no?

Well, still it's fun pretending, isn't it?

You mean you're not really a policeman either?

Stanley, do you think the policeman is questioning the Brooks about muffins?

I think they're after Brooks.

Why? Why?

The fancy car, those shirts, those ties.

What? White -collar crime, Helen. White -collar crime.

They're cracking down.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

The cops don't knock at anybody's door unless they're on something.

Ah!

What?

Quiet. Sammy, it's the police.

Shh. Just a minute. Just a minute, Helen.

Remember, it's your dog.

Mrs. Roper?

Yes? I'm Officer McNabb. I'd like to ask you a few questions.

Oh, well... You don't have to tell them anything, Helen.

This is my husband.

Good morning, sir.

Aren't the flowers supposed to go in the vase?

Huh? Oh.

I suppose you're here to see about the dog license?

Dog license?

No, no, no. The chief handles all the big stuff himself.

Well, if you're not here about our puppy... No, it's about your neighbor.

There's been a robbery.

I'll bet you Brooks denied everything.

Huh? What happened, officer?

Well, someone broke into the house and got all kinds of... Wait a minute, wait

minute. You mean they were robbed? Yeah, sometime in the last few days.

The Brooks were robbed.

You'll have to excuse my husband, officer.

He gets his nervous reaction to bad news.

Makes him laugh.

He gets hysterical at funerals.

I see.

Well, Mrs. Roper, I don't suppose you're missing anything. You gotta be kidding.

I mean, I know. No, no, not us. I thought you... Would you excuse me? I

go next door and see how poor Mrs. Brooks is doing.

Excuse me.

Well, sir, have you heard any unusual noises in the last few days?

Noises?

Oh, you mean like footsteps in the dark?

Whispering?

Locks breaking, things like that? Right. No, I didn't hear anything.

Do you want to pull on this?

Oh, thank you.

Oh, my.

It must have been such a shock.

Did they take very much? All my jewelry?

Jeffrey's cufflinks? The stereo?

You'll never see any of it again.

Those people sell it as fast as they steal it.

There's one thing that really upset us. They took a wedding present that

Jeffrey's mother gave us. A beautiful antique mantel clock.

Wrong way.

Did you say antique mantel clock?

It's a brass clock with black numerals and beveled glass.

And you can see the moving parts.

You've seen it? No!

Of course you have. We kept it on the side table there.

Oh, yes, of course.

It's insured, but we can never replace it. No, we'll never see it again.

By now, some dastardly thief is counting his money.

Some horrible stranger is admiring our clock.

My sergeant isn't gonna like this. Just tell him you sweat a lot.

Stanley! Stanley! Oh!

Hello, officer.

What's the matter, Helen?

Nothing, nothing, Stanley.

I just, uh, I just...

be away from you for such a long time.

What?

You won't be keeping him from any more questions, will you, officer?

Uh, well, no. Because I want him.

I beg your pardon?

Over here, Stanley.

Will you try to control yourself?

Next to me, baby.

Next to you?

Yeah.

Close to me.

It's my pipe.

She wants your pipe?

I see the lady's red about it in the beauty parlor.

Well, it's not in front of the cop. I think it's against the law.

Well, I want to thank you both.

Thank you both for all your help.

What's the matter with you?

What's the matter?

Think, Stanley.

A mantel clock was stolen from the Brooks about the same time that you

this clock from a curbside antique dealer.

So?

You're not thinking.

Don't jump to conclusions, Helen. I bet you their clock is different from this.

Is theirs made of bran?

Yeah.

Desserts have the fancy glass all over it? Yes.

Okay. Desserts have black numbers on the face?

Yes.

Okay, let's start over.

Desserts were stolen. I bought mine from an honest businessman.

Be reasonable, Danny. What honest businessman sells his wares from the

van?

That's the cop. Get rid of this.

Here, you get rid of it. You get rid of it. I'm going to answer the call. Wait,

wait, wait, wait.

Oh.

Oh, it's you.

What do you want? I believe you have something of ours.

I never saw it.

You never saw it? You mean you haven't watered it?

Watered it?

Oh, you mean the plant that I was taking care of while you were gone. I watered

it every day.

Well, I certainly hope so, Mrs. Roper.

Oh, there!

Thank you very much.

Oh -ho!

What have we here?

Look, I can explain.

I hope so.

Look at these dead leaves.

Are you sure you ordered it?

Every day.

Really? Well, I hope it'll recover with proper care.

Yes. Well, I see the thieves haven't taken anything from over here.

Of course. They know better than to try anything in this house.

Interesting. Criminals with taste.

Oh!

Can't keep it going, Helen.

I've noticed that.

It's not working the way it's supposed to.

I've noticed that, too.

I think it's the way it's curved.

clock, it's your clock.

You gave it to me. But you took it.

Stanley!

Wait a minute.

I think I got the answer. Good, good. What is it?

I'm going to put less tobacco in the bowl.

Stanley, you don't seem to understand. You could be charged with receiving

stolen goods.

Now, we've got to get that car back to the Brookses.

Oh, good, because then they'll be charged with receiving stolen goods.

thing to do, we gotta take that clock back to them tomorrow and tell them the

truth. That you bought it from a toned stranger who was double parked for a

quick getaway.

Oh, no!

We can't tell them that.

Why can't we sneak it in there without them noticing it? That is the most

stupid, ridiculous... On the other hand... I, uh, must

say, Charles, it's wonderful to have a friend helping us with our insurance

claim. Scotch and soda.

Just a flash, thanks. All righty.

They took all our glasses.

They took the good scotch, too, huh?

No.

You know, for one terrible moment yesterday, I thought I hadn't renewed my

insurance policy.

Really?

Did I renew my insurance?

Unfortunately, yes.

You covered for everything except flood.

You sure it was a burglary and not a flood? Of course there was a flood.

why everything's under six feet of water. Hey, just a little joke, Jeffrey.

Sorry, I'm sorry.

Now, what would life be if we kept getting depressed about losing a few

possessions, hmm? You're right, I'm sorry.

It's only money. You're right. You're right. You're right.

You're claiming $40 for an electric razor?

It's only money.

That's not funny, Jeffrey.

We won't give you more than $20 for it.

That's fair enough. It's twice what it cost me.

Okay,

$10. Of course, you might get lucky and have the police recover the loot. No, I

don't have that kind of luck.

I have this kind.

Mr. Brooks, my husband wanted to come over and express his sympathy for what

happened. Well, thank you. That's very kind. Oh, he also...

Wanted to express this sympathy to your wife.

Oh, I'm sorry. She's not at home. Oh, thank you.

Will she be very long, do you think? Well, I hope not. I mean, she's down at

police station. They think they might have a lead on the people who robbed us.

Let's go help.

Sit down, Stanley.

Oh, this is Charles Remington. He's helping us with our insurance claim.

Better help him stick it to him, huh?

That's good.

Insurance companies are all crooks.

I work for an insurance company.

Oh, good, good. Then you must know all the dirty tricks.

Do you mind if we continue? Good.

Okay, let's recheck this list, shall we?

Electric razor, $10.

Cup links, platinum.

Against what?

Against my other leg.

Well, but this is an empty clock. Now, my mother had it valued over $400, and

that was some years ago. Well, I don't think we will wait for Ann any longer.

Why not? Maybe she'll give us a drink.

Actually,

I can't stay too long myself.

Is that the right time?

No, that runs about a half hour to...

Officer McNabb asked me to be sure to tell you that.

Jeffrey, look. We got your razor, my jewelry, and best of all, your mother's

antique metal clock.

What?

It's a fine piece. I can see what you mean.

Wait a minute.

Isn't that your clock?

This piece of junk?

Junk? It's a fake antique. Made in Hong Kong. They sell them for ten bucks a

piece.

but I paid $20.

$20?

You told me $100!

It's yours?

Mine? No, no, no. It's hers.

What's it doing here?

Oh, well, I just brought it over because I thought you might want to

borrow it since you lost yours.

Oh, how nice.

But obviously you wouldn't.

Piece of Hong Kong junk.

Come on, Stanley.

I'll come when I'm ready. I'm the man in this family, remember?

That's another thing.

You lied to me, Stanley.

You told me this hunk of junk cost $100 and only cost $20.

It's the thought that counts, Helen.

You owe me $80.

$80?

Listen, Helen, giving you a present isn't the only way we can celebrate our

anniversary. Don't try to weasel out of it, Stanley, because...

What did you say?

I just, I thought it would be nice if we could retire early and celebrate our

anniversary upstairs.

Oh, Stanley, do you mean it? Sure I mean it.

We just liked last Saturday night, remember?

How could I forget?

I'll take the $80.

The Ropers was videotaped in front of a studio audience.

Jack's not sure what to do when he thinks Vicki's recently dumped friend is

coming on to him.

Three's a Crowd is next on Deja View.