Original subtitles

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Stanley?

you know what month this is?

September.

That's right.

And do you remember what you promised me last spring?

Put hell in my back.

I'm not talking about that.

You promised me a vacation.

You know, my sister Ethel's husband took her on a vacation to Japan.

Yeah, but he left her there.

such a good time, he let her stay an extra week.

You'd never do that.

You kidding?

I'll let your sister stay there forever.

Look, Stanley, are we gonna go on a vacation or not?

I mean, don't you think you'd get any fun out of it?

The only people who get anything out of a vacation are taxi drivers, room

clerks, or waiters. They all got their hands out. When they put out their

all you do is shake them.

And they're rude all the time.

You spend all your time getting insulted, listening to excuses, and

disappointed. Is that what you want?

That's what I got.

Stanley, don't you want more out of life than just... just this?

Yeah, I want more dominoes. Why?

Because I want to see how high I can build this tower.

Wouldn't it be great if I could get in the Guinness Book of Records?

You can.

evidence they need I'm warning you if you don't

I'm too nice.

My wife doesn't deserve me. That's not what my daddy said.

What? He said you and Mrs. Roper deserve each other.

Boy, I'm really in the doghouse.

I did not have a dog.

We don't.

Why do you have a doghouse?

We don't have a doghouse. Then how can you be in it?

Are you my friend? Yes. Well, then shut up and let me ask a question.

Tell me, what does your daddy do when he wants to make your mommy feel better?

Oh, once he gave her a surprise party, and that made her very happy. It did?

It made my daddy happy, too. He doesn't have to sleep on the sofa anymore.

Surprise party?

Helen would like that. It'd be cheaper than taking her on a vacation.

It'd be a lot of hard work, though.

Unless I... Unless I could... If this doesn't work, kid, you're really in big

trouble.

the expert.

Ask me what? How do they look?

Fantastic.

They're not too wrinkled?

Maybe if Janet runs an iron over them?

What?

Mr. Roper!

Roper? What does he want? Is he still complaining about the noise?

and I'll teach you.

Okay, we'll be over this afternoon.

Now, make sure that Mrs. Roper isn't around. We don't want to bump into her

surprise before we surprise her with a surprise at the surprise party.

Okay. See you later.

Chrissy, I was gonna go jogging this afternoon.

Oh, you could jog up to the Ropers.

That's eight miles.

Does that mean you want me to carry the record player?

He's giving a party for Mrs. Roper? Must be a very special occasion.

Yeah, he thought he just wanted to do something nice.

It is a very special occasion.

He seems really excited.

Oh, that'll make Mrs. Roper really happy. Oh, yeah, she loves parties. I

talking about Mr. Roper's being excited.

What do I should take?

The tall brunette and puff pastry or the little blonde in 104 who's playing hard

to get? Well, I don't think you'll have time for that.

You're right. I better take the brunette.

I meant that Mr. Rober wanted to ask you something about the catering.

What's he want to know?

How long it'll take for you to do it.

Who's that on the phone?

Just the kids.

Wrong number.

Just some kids fooling around.

Fooling around?

They really did get the wrong number.

Helen, Helen, I almost forgot.

Look, if you're going to go shopping, you'll probably need some money.

I'm not going to go shopping.

But as long as you're airing out your purse.

See you later, Stanley.

So, what did you do today, David? I watched television.

Television? Well, David, there are many things you can do to spend your time

more profitably.

And I talked to Mr.

Roper. That's not one of them.

What did he say to you? He told me not to get married.

Married? Why?

Why are you not even engaged?

Is he engaged?

I don't think so.

David, I don't want you listening to Mr. Roper.

Can you imagine Roper giving advice about anything, especially marriage?

David, why don't you go outside and play?

I sometimes wonder how Mrs. Roper puts up with him. I mean, not that she's any

great bargain, but why does she stay with a man like that?

Maybe she loves him.

He's her dream man. He's a nightmare.

Jeffrey, you can't judge a book by its cover. You can when it comes in a brown

paper wrapper.

I mean, look at you, Jeffrey.

What about me?

People would never guess that you're one of the greatest lovers in the world.

Yes.

Yes, you have a point.

After you water the flower bed.

One of the greatest?

You need some fertilizer, too?

Mr. Melford!

Chrissy! Hi! How are you? I brought everything you need. Oh, boy, are we

to have fun.

Good, good. Come on in.

It's all right. I got ready to help.

That cost a bundle, all right.

I'll be just fine.

What? Just as soon as I take my pants off. What?

They're so sweaty.

So am I.

Listen, I really need a shower.

Would you mind if I use your washer? I don't know if you'll fit in there. It's

kind of small.

Mr. Roper.

I tell you, Aunt, that has to be a very sick person next door, hugging and

kissing someone like that.

Jeffrey, why are you always finding fault with Mr. Roper? I'm talking about

girl.

Calm down, Jeffrey. Calm down? Calm down while he turns Royal Dale into Sodom

and Gomorrah West?

What?

What is that?

It's not Lauren's wealth, that's for sure. No.

No, it's...

President of Royaldale Homeowners Association.

Does that mean you're not allowed to dance?

Jeffrey, what are you doing? I'm going to go out there and... And what?

Water to the flower bed.

Lord knows what those people next door are doing now.

Well, I haven't heard any music for a long time.

Exactly.

Jeffrey, I'm sure there's a very simple explanation.

Yes, there is. The man's a pervert.

Stanley? Holding an orgy in broad daylight. That is so sick.

You're right. Orgy should only be held at night.

You won't think it's funny when a property dollar starts falling.

Aha! What is it? Here comes Mrs. Roper. I'm going to tell her what's going on.

you're the property.

But he's got women in there.

Women? There's nobody in there.

Why don't you take a few days off? I think the pressure's getting to you.

But she's making a big mistake.

She sure is. You look cute in your shorts.

It's me.

What?

I don't want Helen to hear you.

Oh, yeah, right. Janet Crickett told me they just got out in time before she

came back. Yeah, yeah. How are you going to keep her away before you surprise

her tonight?

See, that's easy. Every Thursday, she goes out to work on her bust.

She goes out to do that?

She's making a bust of Abraham Lincoln in her art school. Mr. Roper, can I put

this down someplace?

Sure you got everything?

Yeah, we got everything.

Your pretzels? Oh, more than that.

Peanuts? We got Mr. Roper. My arms are a little... Crackers? Crackers are done.

How about cheese? We got the cheese at the kitchen over here, Mr. Roach. No,

can't put it in there. Why not? She's liable to see it. Well, where do you

me to pour it?

Where do you want it? In here?

Yeah. Stanley?

Yes? What was that noise?

Just opening a can of beer, sweetheart.

It's up next door. Next door? Yeah, at the Brooks house. He owes me a favor

yesterday. Are they coming to the party? Yeah, yeah.

Stanley! Quick!

Then don't move. No, I think I bet her it was a jar of pickle.

Pickle? Yeah.

I brought him over here so Mrs. Roper wouldn't see him.

She's not allowed to see pickles?

No.

No, it's for the surprise party Mr. Roper's throwing for her tonight. He

you were invited.

Oh, he must be keeping that as part of the surprise, too. Yeah, uh, can I put

this down somewhere? The pickle juice is starting to, uh... Oh, of course.

Uh, in the kitchen.

Right behind you.

Right here. Oh, finally.

Oh, yeah, Mr. Roper's going all out. He even had Janet and Chrissy teach him how

to disco.

Janet and Chrissy? A blonde and a brunette? Yeah, they were over here

And Jeffrey thought Mr. Roper was a swinger.

Mr. Roper a swinger?

How stupid can you get? Who's this Jeffrey?

My husband.

Listen, you don't happen to have a punch bowl around here, do you? Oh, sure,

right up here. Oh, be careful. Oh, don't worry.

Sometimes this thing gets stuck and I have to kind of...

Oh, Anne.

Oh,

Anne.

Jeffrey, I wasn't expecting you home so early.

So I see.

Oh, Jeffrey, don't be silly.

He just came over to bring some food.

And with a delivery boy.

He's a friend of Mr.

Roper's. I might have known.

Jeffrey, will you listen?

I'm sorry, I don't know your name. You don't even know his name.

I'm Jack Tripper. I don't care to know who you are, sir.

He smells of pickles.

Listen, I better be going.

You go nowhere, sir.

Jeffrey, there's a very simple explanation.

I fell.

You fell for a delivery boy who smells of pickles.

Oh, Ann, Ann.

Well, where have I failed you?

All the dreams we shared.

The home, the home we built together.

The family we raised.

Look, Mr. Brooks. Don't raise your hand for me, sir.

I was middleweight champion of my college.

Oh, really? I was karate champion of my naval base.

talk this over like sensible, civilized people.

Great music, huh?

Oh, great.

It's all Chrissy's idea. She brought all her equipment with her. She never

leaves home without it.

People are starting to leave already. Shouldn't Mrs. Roper be here by now? Not

yet. She never comes home till 9 o 'clock from her claim.

But it's half past 10.

What? Yeah.

It's never been late before.

I better call the art center.

You don't think anything could have happened?

I wonder what's keeping Mrs. Roper.

Maybe she had some problems with her bus.

She hasn't been there all night.

Oh, my God.

Should have told her about the surprise party.

Well, what could have happened to her?

I'm sure it was nothing I said.

Jeffrey, you didn't. Well, and it was only for her own good.

You told her that Mr. Roper was having an affair with two women?

Mr. Roper!

You told her that?

Oh, dear, I've broken up an unhappy home.

I've lost her now. She'll never come back. Oh, now, now, I don't believe

Mr. Roper.

fooling around. She couldn't take it. I'm the whole world to Helen.

What are we going to do?

Well, maybe we should call the police.

Or the hospitals.

Oh, my God.

I'd better call.

Oh, Mrs. Roper, how wonderful.

look worse than I thought.

What happened? I've been worried about you all night.

Yeah, well, I'll tell you... Oh, Jack! Oh,

Jack! What's everybody doing here? It's a party.

A party?

And you said you were worried.

What happened, Helen?

I stopped to get gas.

That took all night?

No, but using their restroom did.

night and you complain about me in the bathroom?

I was locked in, Stanley.

The station manager closed up for the night and went home.

And he left you there?

Yeah. I finally managed to open a little small window.

Oh, that's good.

No, bad.

I got halfway through and the police arrived.

It was a nice party, wasn't it? Oh, I don't mean that. I mean that look of

happiness on your face when I walked in the door.

Oh, I was never so relieved in my life.

Were you really?

Yeah, nobody likes to blow $63 on a party for nothing.

Bye.