Original subtitles

Thank you.

Thank you.

Well, looks like none of the neighbors are coming to my brunch.

That's terrible.

After you prepared all that food.

Maybe they were all on a diet.

Oh, my kidding. They just didn't want to come.

Maybe you wrote the wrong date on the invitations.

No, no. I said, Helen Roper will be at home on Saturday morning the 23rd.

One of them wrote back and said, so will I.

I told you not to worry.

I can't help it.

I'm so excited.

Welcome, welcome.

It's all a fuss. I live here.

I'm expecting company. I told you to stay outside and wash the car.

You'd like all our neighbors to think I'm your chauffeur, wouldn't you?

I came in for a cup of coffee. Well, I was going to bring you one when all of

them had left.

only one who showed up, right?

Well, yes.

So you had 40 invitations. I told you all our neighbors were stuffed shirts,

didn't I? All of them.

Thank you.

Well, except you. You're different. I mean, you don't have a stuffed shirt.

Danny, did you finish washing the car?

All but the rusty parts.

That's most of the car.

I'll get to it. Give me a chance. Give me a chance.

Well, hello.

I hate to be the first one to leave, but I told you I couldn't stay, didn't I?

Oh, yeah.

Jeffrey's home for lunch. I know, I know.

Thanks for coming by. I really appreciate it.

Well, it was my pleasure. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Helen. Now, Stanley, don't you say anything.

Don't you make fun of me.

I wouldn't do that. I feel twice as bad about this as you do.

Do you really?

Yeah, I spent a lot of dough on that.

and all the ands showed up.

What's wrong with me, Stanley?

I'll tell you later. You got enough on your mind right now.

Oh, don't let those snobs get you down, Helen.

Remember this.

I still got me.

Coffee will be ready in a few

minutes. Good.

go at Mrs. Roper's? Oh, it was a disaster.

I was the only one who showed up. Well, Ann, what did you expect?

Mrs. Clifford had her brunch at the same time.

I didn't know that.

There was no contest.

The wife of the city councilman or the wife of the local dropout.

Where's David?

Outside helping Mr. Roper wash his car.

That is not a car.

Cars move.

That thing's got moss on the tires.

You're exaggerating again. Exaggerating?

I'm exaggerating? It'll be stuck out there forever.

Rotting. Rusting.

It'll get mice.

Decent people will leave the neighborhood.

Riffraff will move in.

There's going to be graffiti all over the walls.

You look very handsome when you're obsessed.

I'm going to bring this up at the next meeting of the homeowners association.

And do I?

there, little fella?

Mr. Roper says he's gonna buy a dog with a nodding head.

You see?

A dog with a nodding head. For the back end of his car.

Mm -hmm.

Drink your juice, David. You have to be a strong, healthy boy when you're living

in the ghetto.

Look at it.

Unemployment's up to 7%. 7 %? That's two points up from... As if things

weren't bad enough, Deborah quit today.

The file clerk in your office? The thin one? She used to be.

Thin, I mean. She's, um, P -R -E -G -N -A -N -T.

I'm not surprised.

She was S -E -X -N -A -D.

Well, it's damned inconvenient.

What? Pregnant?

Well, that's, uh, that's a word, David.

It's a word, and it means that she is growing a baby in her tummy. Can I play

with him? No.

No, no, not yet, because, you see, he... Drink your juice, David.

Okay.

What's sex, man?

Well, go ahead. Tell him.

That's one of those words, David.

It's one of those words you'll understand when you're much, much older.

Bravo. So, what are we learning in school this week, little fella?

Nothing much, just about nature and the reproductive process.

Good, good.

They're giving him fact instruction.

It's only the life cycle of a tadpole. He's only five.

Seven. That's right, he's seven. He's only seven.

Die over a tadpole? No.

He's at a very impressionable age.

He'll probably grow up and have an affair with a frog.

Cheer up, Helen. Don't let those snobs get to you.

I can't help it. They hate me.

They don't hate you, Helen.

They don't? No, they just don't want to have anything to do with you.

thank me.

That's what a husband is for, to cheer his wife up.

Hi. Hi.

Helen, look who's here with Larry.

Larry? Larry from our old building. Hi, Mrs. Roper.

Larry!

Oh, Mary!

Oh, it's so good to see you. Good to see you, Larry.

You were never this happy to see me when I was your tenant.

When you had the rent, I was.

How's everything about the used car lot? Oh, just great. As a matter of fact, I

just delivered a lemon car around the corner, so I figured I'd drop in, say

hello, and see you know how.

So how are the kids? Oh, fine, fine.

Janet's working hard as ever at the flower shop. Oh, and Jack is thinking of

buying a motorcycle.

With a side saddle?

Well, frankly, I'm worried about her, Mrs. Roper. She keeps on making the

decisions. Last night, for instance, she turned down a terrific offer.

From who?

Me.

So how are things with you?

Oh, they're... Great, great, just great.

Ha!

It's a lovely spot here.

Ha!

See, Helen has this terrible cough.

Ha! See what I mean?

Come on, Larry, I'll show you the rest of the place.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

Nice seeing you again, Mrs. Wilford. Yeah, nice seeing you. Thanks for

in. Say hello to the kids.

Will do. Bye -bye. Bye, Larry.

Where do you see this, Larry?

This is our hot tub.

Who's she, the heater?

This comes with the house. We share all the facilities.

Really?

Are there any guest privileges?

Hello there.

Hi.

See, but Helen's not too happy here.

Yeah, you know, I noticed she was kind of upset.

What seems to be the trouble?

The neighbors.

See, I'm the kind of guy, I can get along any place.

But you know, like the poet says, if you can walk with kings and never lose the

common touch.

That's very true, Mr. Roper. There's something very common about you.

Right, right. See, and everybody knows it.

The hell is like a fish out of water. Hmm, surprises me.

All the girls, I mean, all the people around here look very friendly.

You know, I should have done what I wanted to do in the first place. Buy a

mobile home.

You're interested in a mobile home? What a coincidence. My boss has one he's

trying to unload.

I mean, I think I could persuade him to sell it cheap to the right buyer.

Is it a good site?

Oh, I can safely say it's a site.

You see, what I like to do is sell this joint, buy a mobile home, and then I

never have to work again.

What a wonderful thing to do for Mrs. Roper.

Yeah, it would be, wouldn't it?

Come on. I'll show you the rest of the place. Oh, no. No, thanks.

I kind of like what you're showing right here.

Hi. Hi.

My name's Larry.

I'm a talent scout for MGM.

to your place.

I, uh, I had a few hundred sandwiches left over, so I thought maybe we could

some. Oh, thank you.

Oh, Helen, you don't have to feel too bad about nobody showing up. I just

out that Mrs. Clifford was having her brunch at the same time.

Mrs. Clifford, the city councilman's wife? Yes.

The secretary of the Nixon was misunderstood committee?

Yes. You see, everyone was at her house, so that means that people weren't

snubbing you.

That's right!

that our advertisement described the house as being on the lake and not in

But that happens, what, once, twice a year.

Hello?

Hello?

What do they expect with $300 ,000?

Miss Frazier, you may let the Shah of Iran in now.

Hello, Rupert. As you can see, I am quite... Busy at my work now.

Oh, I know.

That's... If you want to borrow my electric hedge cutter, you have to wait

you give it back to me.

Well, I just want to get it fixed first.

Listen, how much can I get for my house? What do you mean you're going to get it

fixed?

You're... You're telling your house?

Well, I've been thinking about it. You mean... You mean you're moving?

Well, I might. I mean, it depends on how much money I can get for it. The locks!

Locks! How about a drink, old pal?

See, I was thinking I'd be much happier in a mobile home. You would. You would.

One of those lovely mobile homes way off in the desert.

Listen, how much commission do you need? None. None. In your case, none.

I'll put your house on the market right away, and with any luck at all, I'll

have you out in a week.

I'm going to put it in the back window of the car.

Why? Why?

Because it's fun.

People will stare at it and wonder if it's real.

People stare at our car now and wonder if it's real.

You'll see. People will say, isn't it cute? Isn't it cute?

Isn't he crazy? Isn't he crazy?

I just don't like novelties. That's all. I'm married.

Yeah, this is me.

Oh, hi, Brooks.

Well, good news, Roper.

What? No, I still want you to return my hedge cutter.

No, it's about your house.

I've got a delightful couple here who are very interested in viewing your

property. A Mr.

and Mrs. Williams.

Today? But I... Yeah,

I guess that'll be all right.

Yeah. Three o 'clock?

Fine, three o 'clock.

Who was that?

People just called for a time check. That's why I came.

But it's only 12 o 'clock.

Yeah, here.

But they were calling from New York.

For the time?

Helen, how would you like to go to the movies this afternoon?

Oh, Stanley.

Oh, Stanley, do you know that we haven't been to the movies in the afternoon

since we were dating?

Remember?

We were the only couple in our crowd who didn't get a tan that summer.

Here's an Oscar winner at the Roxy. Oh, who cares what the picture is? Come on,

let's go. Oh, I can't go.

You go see it. If you like it, I'll go see it later.

Stanley, one of these days I'm gonna... Just wanted to make you happy. Yeah,

well, I'm going out.

I got some shopping to do.

Go.

That's even better.

Mom, when am I going to have a baby brother?

I don't know.

Why don't you go to the doctor to buy one?

Because that's not how you get babies. I know that.

Oh, you do, do you?

So, uh, how do you get babies?

Don't remember?

You have to lay an egg.

Look at those cute little two.

I think I'll go ride my bike.

I missed you at my little brunch, Anne. Oh, well, that's because I didn't get an

invitation, Mrs. Clifford.

What? Well, I know I sent you one. It must have gotten lost in the mail.

It's the mailman. They haven't been any good ever since Norman Rockwell died.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, that's okay.

I had already promised to go to Mrs. Roper's brunch. Oh, is that your new

neighbor? Oh, yes. And you should meet her. I think you'd like her. I must drop

in sometime and say hello.

Oh, she'd like that. We must involve her in a community, Paul.

I'm chairing the committee for the repairs to the church roof.

Perhaps I can persuade her to sit on it.

Oh, hello.

Brooks, you're president of the Homeowners Association. You've got to do

something about the mailman.

Some mailmen are moving in? I'll explain it to you later. Was I expecting you

home so soon? No, no. I just brought some people over. They're looking at

Roper's house.

What for?

That was the upstairs.

Now we're back downstairs.

In the downstairs.

See, everything above the ceiling is upstairs.

Yeah.

Uh, you gonna leave the carpets and the drapes?

No. Thank God for that.

Can you hear the neighbors through the walls?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Some nights it's better than the TV.

No, no, no, I mean, actually, you can't hear a thing.

How about the garbage?

Oh, don't worry about that. We're gonna take that with us.

And, uh, over there's a kitchen.

Oh, yeah, go in there and take your time looking around.

Oh, and you're home early.

Let me give you a hand with that, sweetheart.

Sweetheart?

What are you up to, Stanley?

Me? Uh, nothing.

Nothing. Who are those people?

People? What people?

In the kitchen.

What people?

Oh, those people.

They're just people.

It's a man and his wife.

Just drop in and say hello.

You see, Stanley, all of our neighbors aren't stuffed shirts.

Helen, Helen.

Welcome.

Welcome. Very nice of you to come. How nice of you. Wait a minute, wait a

minute, wait a minute. Stanley, where are your manners?

Please, won't you sit down?

Sit down, please.

So nice of you to call.

Not really.

Just wanted to look around your house. Oh?

You can't tell from the outside, can you?

Well, no, I suppose you can't.

Can't tell what?

Well, for instance, your bedroom, it doesn't have very much closet space.

My husband showed you our bedroom?

Just being neighborly, that's all.

Bathtub's a little small for me.

You took a bath?

You shouldn't keep these nice people here, Helen. It has some very nasty

in it. Oh, does it? Really?

The kitchen were a little bit bigger, but frankly, I really don't like these

houses. Neither do I. Well, I don't like you either.

You know,

it would look so much better with our furniture in it.

What?

Absolutely. I'm sure your furniture will be terrific in here. It would fit very

nicely. Keep in touch with us. We're listed, you know.

Nice couple.

Nice? Did they say where they live?

Santa Barbara.

Santa Barbara?

And they came all this way just to say hello?

Oh, hi, Ann. Come on in. Thank you, Helen.

I just wanted to stop by to tell you how sorry I am that we aren't going to be

neighbors anymore.

You're moving?

No. No, you are.

What did you say?

Well, Mr. Roper's had your house on the market. He's been showing it to buyers.

He's what?

Family feud, then death in the afternoon.

Oh,

hi.

Highway patrol.

We don't have to see again.

You've been trying to sell this house behind my back, huh?

Well, what I did was I put it on the market just to see what it was worth.

How many people have you had poking around my house, sneering at my ceiling,

insulting my furniture?

Well, it's gonna stop!

Helen, I didn't mean anything by it.

It's all your fault.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Mrs. Rother?

Yes!

first, but I... You, darling, you're gonna come in here and really kill my

friend. We only want you. Don't tell me my bathtub is too small.

Councilman and Mrs. Clifford.

I love you, Helen, and I didn't want any stuck -up snobs to treat my wife like

dirt.

Oh, Stanley.

Even if they are better than you.

Oh, Lord, he means well.

Well, what am I going to do about the Cliffords, Stanley? They'll never speak

me again.

Oh, don't worry about the Cliffords. They're going to come banging on our

begging to talk to us.

Why should they do that?

To get our votes.

He's up for re -election next week.