Original subtitles

And then insert one H and you slot 2B.

2B.

2B.

Or not 2B.

It won't fit.

And it doesn't look like the Queen Mary.

No, no, it doesn't, does it?

Are you sure you didn't mix up the box tops? I might have.

Oh. Maybe Mommy can figure it out. How come Mommy went to the doctor? Is she

sick? No, no, she's not sick.

Is she to have a baby?

Where'd you get that idea?

You and Mommy were spelling out a lot of words last night. Well, you didn't

understand any of the spelling, did you?

Just B -A -B -Y.

Time for your milk and cookies.

Oh, hi, honey.

Oh. Well?

Well, what did the doctor say?

Good morning, Mrs. Brooks. Yes? Sorry to have kept you waiting. And then? A lot

of flu going around. Yes? Isn't it warm for this time of year? And?

And then he told me I'm not pregnant.

You're not? Oh, that's wonderful.

I mean, you're not.

I knew you'd be upset. Honey, I am. I am.

Well, then why are you smiling?

Well, this is to cheer you up.

Oh.

Come on, Ann.

It's not as if we were trying to have another child.

It would have happened only because... Well, because one of us forgot to take

the pill.

It's not all my fault. You know, it takes two to tango. You're right. You're

absolutely right. May I have this dance? Sure.

I'm just as disappointed as you are.

Look at it this way.

Now we have a lot more time to think of a name.

Come on.

Let's have a nice glass of wine. It'll chew you up.

Who can that be?

Well, we know it's not the stork.

Come on in. Oh, thank you.

Oh, am I interrupting anything?

Yes.

Come in anyway.

Care for a glass of wine? Oh, no, no, thank you.

I don't want any either. Anne, Anne, could I talk to you?

Alone? Oh, certainly.

Uh, Jeffrey, do you mind?

No, no, not at all. If you want me, I'll be outside in the rec room.

Maybe I can find somebody out there who won't mind having a drink with me.

Put it down.

What is it?

Ann, Stanley has another woman.

I don't believe it. I didn't either till I found them in an old trunk.

Doris? Who's Doris? I don't know, but he's been writing her for a long, long

time. And look, they're very intimate.

Oh, look at that writing. It's so hard to make out.

What I can't make out is Stanley making out.

You know, I wouldn't worry about it. These are probably just letters to an

girlfriend. I don't care how old she is.

But he never even mailed them.

Not these. He had to correct them first. They're full of mistakes. Look at that.

Your eyes are like limpid poles.

Your skin is like alabaster.

And... My husband is cheating on me.

So, it was all a false alarm, huh? Oh, yeah, thank God. And it wasn't the first

one, either.

Well, that's women for you. You just can't rely on them.

How many different women have I seen you with since you've lived here?

In round figures?

Yes, in round figures.

Oh, hiya, Brooks.

Hello.

I didn't know they served wine in here. They don't.

I haven't met your friend.

That's true. More wine, Pete?

Yeah,

thanks.

Would you pull, Brooks? Yes.

Would you like to play me a game? No.

Smart move. I would have creamed you.

Let me see a trick shot.

Now, getting back to your problem, if you don't want to be worrying all the

time, you should do what I did.

Have the operation.

What operation?

A vasectomy.

A vasectomy? Sure.

You wear a badge?

Well, it pays to advertise.

Brooks, you want to see something impossible?

I'm looking at it.

Now watch this.

I'll make the cue ball jump over the eight ball, knock the two ball in the

pocket, then kiss the seven ball, then the 11 ball, causing them both to go in

the corner pockets.

My case of a sectomy was really... Wait a minute. Wait. You had that done to

you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You sure can't tell? Not from your voice.

Now, wait a minute. Grover, we are having a private conversation. Oh, you

trust me. I won't tell a soul.

You know that couple across the street?

They had it done to their tomcat.

It is not the same.

It sure isn't. Cat just sits there.

Won't even go out at night.

Don't you understand?

It's a completely different operation. Oh, I know that. Yours was done by a

doctor. The cat's was done by a vet.

I'll see you later.

Don't you hate guys that drink and run?

Cheers.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to make him explain these letters or I'll make him eat them.

I don't think that's such a good idea.

Why not?

With a little ketchup, Stanley will eat anything.

Helen, I think it's better if he confesses on his own.

How do I get him to do that?

Well, be roundabout. You know, lead up to the subject casually.

Drop a little hint here and there.

You mean like, uh... Isn't it a lovely day, Stanley? And who the hell is Doris?

have to be a little more subtle than that.

Oh.

Well, all right.

I'll give it a try.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

I'm married to him.

It's a big, wide, wonderful world we live in. Stanley. When you're in love,

you're a hero. Stanley, I'm not in the mood.

That's a switch.

you've forgotten to say to me?

Like what?

Something really important about our marriage.

Is there?

Happy anniversary.

It's our anniversary.

Then what is it?

lady friends that I haven't met?

No.

Have you?

Well, as a matter of fact, there is one that I never told you about. She works

down at Bailey's Ice Cream Parlor, and she's really something.

Oh, you really like her a lot, huh? Well, let me just say this. I like what

does for me.

See, when I get an ice cream cone, she gives me an extra half scoop.

Is that all?

If she gave me any more, she'd get fired.

Stanley, look.

Stanley, you know, marriage is like taking a trip in a car.

Sometimes you reach a crossroads, and you need a road map to find your way.

What are you talking about? Our marriage isn't going anyplace.

My sister Ethel's due here any minute. Will you get that junk off the table?

My mother's face is not junk.

You don't like anything that comes from my mother.

That's not true.

I got used to you, didn't I?

Okay to say how nice I glued it together. Look, I bet you can't notice

difference.

You're right.

It's as ugly as ever.

Come on, Stanley, clean up that mess. You know, Ethel's coming to see the

and you know what a snob she is.

Yeah, yeah.

I can hear her credit cards rattling.

Ethel! How long?

Welcome to our new home.

And your old husband.

Hello, Stanley.

Hi, Ethel. To what do we owe this unexpected pleasure?

It's not unexpected.

It's not a pleasure, either.

I hope you don't mind me parking my new Mercedes outside.

It's a 450.

Big deal.

I'd pay 500 for my disorder.

Well, what do you think of our new place, huh?

Oh, it's, uh... It's, uh... Different.

Small. For Hubert and me, but it's perfect for you two.

Oh? Well, I mean, we entertain quite a lot.

And you don't have many friends, do you?

We have enough.

You know, actually, I think that it is going to be very nice once you get a new

paint job.

It is a new paint job.

Oh, I didn't think they were still using this color.

Ethel, can you see this?

Why, of course, why?

Well, you're so busy looking down your nose, I didn't think you could see

anything in front of you.

Well, what's gotten into him?

Oh. You know, Mama's coming today to stay for a week, and that always upsets

Stanley. Really?

My Hubert gets along with her very well.

Well, your Hubert's used to older women.

That's good, Helen.

Vicious, but good.

that I should tell you about Mother.

She's sort of, um, living in the past.

I don't blame her. It's cheaper.

Anyway, I'm glad Mom is coming to visit. I don't like the idea of her being

alone so much.

You know, Hilda had her for a week last year, and she says the poor dear is

really getting very forgetful.

Well, our sister's a fine one to talk about being forgetful.

She's got five kids, and she's supposed to be on the pill.

The drugstore was closed again.

Here's your bread, Ethel.

Bread?

What am I supposed to do with these?

Put them in your mouth and make a tongue sandwich.

Especially in the glove compartment of my car.

I don't blame you for not liking that one. It's covered with lint.

That's not lint. It's what's left of my registration.

Now, where is David? I want to talk to him.

Uh, not now. He's a little upset.

He got a black eye at school today.

You mean... You mean... He's been fighting?

My boy.

Oh, I hope he clobbered that other kid.

No, he lost.

And you know how I disapprove of fighting.

Who was it? He won't tell me.

Oh. Hi, Dad.

Hello there, soldier.

Everything all right? I've got a black eye. Oh, boy.

You sure do, son.

Now, David.

David, I don't want you to feel bad about your letting me down by not

today.

Because... Son, I can imagine that your opponent was what? He was twice your

size, the big bully.

No, smaller.

The little bully.

Well, who was it?

Lassie Wilson.

Uh -huh.

Well, David, first thing tomorrow, Mommy's going to go out and buy a pair

boxing gloves.

To hit Lassie Wilson?

No, no, David.

I think it's time that someone, someone finally taught you how to box, huh?

Jab, jab, jab.

Well, do you think we can get that?

Me, David? Me.

I don't want to brag, lad, but I did a little boxing in college. I'll give you

few pointers and then you'll be able to go out and destroy Leslie Wilson.

But you told me never to hit girls.

Girls? You mean to tell me that Leslie is a... Don't worry, David.

A few lessons from me and... And you'll be able to beat up any girl in your

class.

David has got to learn how to defend himself.

Okay, but take it easy.

Don't hit him too hard. I won't. I was talking to David.

Will you stop pacing? You're making me nervous.

Yeah, well, I can't help it. My own sister, and she wouldn't even stay to

the rest of the house.

What's the point, Helen?

It's just more of the same, only it's upstairs.

Will you stop thinking about your sister and start thinking about how I'm going

to get this vase off the table?

Why don't you use a hammer?

That would break it.

I know.

Uh -uh. Your mother's here.

How can you tell from a doorbell?

It had a nasty ring to it.

Right, it isn't you, Bert.

It's Stanley.

Oh.

Stanley, would you go out and get Mama's bags and pay for the cab, please?

My mother takes a bus.

Well, now.

Oh, it's so good to be here. How are you feeling?

Wonderful. I've got a new doctor, and he wants to put my leg in a medical

journal.

He says there's only one other leg locket in the whole country.

And I've got that one, too.

You know what the cab costs?

$19 .75.

And on top of that, the guy expected a tip.

Look at this. That's all I got left from a 20.

Oh, thank you, Huber.

Stanley.

Stanley, yeah. Stanley paid for the cab.

Oh, no. Stanley would never do that. He's too cheap.

See you about dinner, Mama.

Helen, wait a minute. You entertain Mama, Hubert.

How do you like this?

It's for Hilda's new baby.

She's got five lovely children.

Wouldn't you like to have one?

Why, is she giving them away?

Would you like to see my legs?

Don't be sorry. It's a big improvement.

Dinner's almost ready, Mama. I got some nice boiled fish for you.

Don't I smell lamb chops?

Yes. I'd rather have one of those.

You can have mine.

Good thinking, Ellen.

And I'll have yours. You can have the fish.

This is going to be one hell of a week.

You know, I'm not too crazy about eating with her either.

Her false teeth clicking away.

It's like sitting next to a time bomb.

Hasn't been easy for me either, you know.

You know, yesterday she used my toothbrush to put on her mascara.

I know it's annoying, Stanley, but after all, she is my mother.

Yeah, yeah.

And look at the bright side.

Her week is up tomorrow.

It's a shame you're going home tomorrow.

I'm not going home.

here with us.

What am I going to do? I can't throw her out on the street.

I'm warning you, Helen.

You're going to have to choose between her and me.

Helen!

Oh, I don't like her here any more than you do, Stanley, but, well, I just can't

say no to her.

Well, why can't you stay with one of your sisters?

Well, she can't stay with Hilda. She's expecting.

Yeah, so is Ethel.

She's expecting us to get stuck with your mother.

Ethel doesn't even know that Mama sold her house.

Well, it's time somebody told her.

You know, I am your husband, Helen, and I do have certain rights.

Ha! It's been weeks since... Other rights!

Other rights!

You know, I'd like to be able to watch Name That Tomb without her shouting out

all the answers while I'm still thinking.

She and Hilda should take Mom apart at a time.

Hey, I know what.

I'll call the whole family over here for a meeting.

Meeting? It'll be more like the fight of the century.

Okay, good.

Soldier, attaboy. Keep them coming. David, David, don't forget to use your

You mean I could kick you?

No, no.

Footwork. Or in my case, knee work.

I want you to grow up to be able to fight back.

You mean you want me to grow up to be like Leslie Wilson?

No, no, David. Now try and catch me with my guard down, okay? Good, good,

good. A few more lessons like this and you'll never have to worry about being

bullied at school.

No, you can be bullied at home instead.

Into round 37.

Well, I'd hardly say that I...

Oh, is that the same wine you served the last time?

Yeah. No, thank you.

I'll have a scotch and soda.

Right.

Hold the soda.

Now, is Hilda going to be in on this... Family conference. Yes, yes, she is.

What about Fertile Freddy?

Well, I'm sure that she'll bring her husband along, too.

Well, I think.

Big as ever.

Come on, sit down. We'll help, we'll help.

Look at them.

Looks like the first scene out of Macbeth.

All they need is a bubbling cauldron.

What was that, Hubert? Oh, I was just saying, dear, it's been a long time

this family's gotten together.

Hasn't it, Stanley? Yeah, that last time was a lot of fun. We had a few drinks

and a few songs. Your mother really had a lot of laughs.

When was that?

It was Father's funeral.

You didn't bring Frederick, dear?

No. He's a little tired.

That's understandable.

I mean, you did ask him to try and hit you. Not when I wasn't looking.

How does it look now?

Well, it's kind of cute. You look like half a panda.

All right, now be careful. Careful, careful.

Oh, you poor baby.

Yeah.

And this is our hot tub. This is where people come to... Oh, I can see what

come to.

These are our neighbors, the Brooks.

Nice to see you.

That's a beauty.

The little woman beating you up?

Roper? I got a big excuse for you. Just tell everybody a little boy did it.

He did do it. Yeah, see, just like that.

What do you say, uh, ten bucks a game, just to make it interesting?

For money?

Oh, all right.

Eight ball, one and fifteen in the side pockets, I'll break.

I

think

you've played this game before.

Yes. I had a misfit youth. He was the one who taught me.

That you remember.

Oh, I've had a good life.

Seen all my daughters happily married.

Except for Helen, of course.

You scratched the eight ball. You owe me ten bucks.

Oh, those girls think the world of me, you know.

They're busy thinking the world of you right now.

Thank you. No, they're not. They're in there fighting over me, about where I'm

going to live.

What they don't know is that I'm going to a far, far better place.

Yeah, but that may not be for years.

I'm in New Zealand.

Where?

New Zealand, my brother Arthur.

He invited me to come and live with him. He sent me the ticket, and I accepted.

Really?

How come you never mentioned this before?

Well, I was afraid it would upset the girls.

Upset? They'd be delighted.

And upset.

I'd better go tell the girls about this sad party.

Brooks,

keep an eye on Mother, will you? What?

You're a good one.

Young man, you must learn to defend yourself.

Take up boxing.

Good, then you take her.

No, I won't. You take her. You take her. I don't think Frederick would like

another mouth to feed.

He's not too happy. Hold it!

Now,

I have listened more in sorrow than in anger to this sad, sad subject of

a family divided against itself.

There's more to life than material possessions.

There's charity, love, and the pursuit of happiness.

We hold these truths to be self -evident.

What are you trying to say, Mr.

Lincoln?

I'm saying that I am willing to have my mother -in -law stay in my humble home

for as long as she pleases.

I've never been more ashamed in my life.

Me either.

Fighting about where Mother should live.

We were all guilty till Stanley showed us the way.

I'm just that kind of guy.

Of course, we never would have had this problem if Mother had gone to stay with

Arthur in New Zealand.

No.

What was that?

Uncle Arthur.

He sent her...

and she was all set to go to New Zealand when he died.

He what?

20 years ago.

But I appreciate the offer.

Oh. But I like my independence.

Now, this place in Arizona is fantastic.

Full of swinging singles and lots of pool tables.

Time's waiting.

Oh, thank you.

Bye.

The Ropers was videotaped in front of a studio audience.

Vicki is reluctant to put down Jack's lack of performance in the bedroom to

another woman.

Three's a Crowd is next on Deja View.