Original subtitles

Kate, dear, are you all right?

Oh, I'm okay. I just can't believe that my husband, my Theodore, is gone. Oh, I

know, I know.

I want to thank you for inviting everybody here after the funeral.

My pleasure.

After all, you are Stanley's aunt, and it's the least I can do for the family.

That's true.

Hey, dear, have a sandwich. You need to keep up your strength.

Oh, I'm not hungry.

I had the driver stop on the way to the cemetery for a pizza.

Oh, I'm just fine.

Wasn't it a beautiful funeral?

Theodore would have loved it if he could have been there.

He was there.

Your poor Uncle Theodore. Always on the go.

Always had his hands full.

I'm sure he did.

Daniel, you embarrassed me so at the funeral.

I couldn't help dropping a wreath.

Well, you didn't have to run after it.

Especially since you were one of the pallbearers.

Well, there were five others. They were all taller than me.

They didn't even notice I was gone.

Kate seems to be taking her loss very well.

Oh, yes, she is, Uncle Bert.

If you want my opinion, I think it was Kate that finished him off.

What? She was too demanding.

Physically, if you know what I mean.

Oh, I do.

You don't have to worry, Stanley. You'll live to be a hundred.

Helen, I had no idea funerals were so expensive.

Oh, I know.

Does Stanley have enough coverage?

I don't know.

Helen, it's for your own protection.

If I were you, I'd make sure that Stanley had plenty of coverage.

If life has to go on, let it go on well.

Equal? Three.

Very good.

I had to double park in front of my own house.

Jeffrey, try to be a little understanding.

There's been a funeral.

Mr. Roper?

No, a relative.

That's too bad.

I'll explain that to you when you're a little older.

Why? Does it have something to do with sex?

No. No, absolutely not.

It's when a bunch of people take up all your parking spaces to say goodbye to

somebody who's dead.

What's dead?

Dead is... It's about time for dinner, isn't it,

Ann? No.

Thank you.

All right, well, uh... Dead is, uh... It's when an angel, all in white

with big, beautiful wings...

flies down and takes you back up to heaven.

What's heaven?

Aha.

Heaven is a wonderful place up in the clouds.

What's wonderful about it? Oh, because in heaven you can have all the toys you

like and you can eat all the candy you want and you never get sick.

Can I be dead and go to heaven?

Do you know how at the end of the day you feel tired and it's time to go to

sleep? Yeah.

Well, it doesn't happen for a long, long time, but people grow old and they get

tired and then it's time for them to die. That makes sense.

Anybody could have explained it like that.

Oh, Stanley, you just don't know how to talk to people.

What?

like funerals or weddings.

I need a drink.

Danny, are you insured?

Why? I'm only having a small one.

I'm serious.

I mean, suppose you got hit by a bus.

It'll run through here.

How do you do? I'm Bill Marsh from Eternal...

I'm here to see Mrs. Kate Morgan.

Oh, oh, I'm terribly sorry.

I'm afraid she's gone.

So soon after her husband?

No, I mean she... Oh, oh, that's gone.

Well, I just dropped by to give her the guest book and the sympathy cards. I've

already mailed the bill.

I'll see that she gets them.

Would you like a cup of coffee, you say? Oh, no, no. I've got to get back.

There's some customers waiting.

Don't you worry. They're not going to run away.

It was a lovely funeral, Mr. Marsh.

Oh, I'm so glad you enjoyed it.

You know, most people think a funeral just happens.

A couple of cars, a hearse, a hole in the ground, and that's it. But you've

no idea how much work is involved.

Oh, I'm sure.

Mr. Marsh.

How much does a funeral like that cost?

Can't you wait?

I'm not dead yet.

Oh, is this the loved one?

Not if he doesn't get insurance.

Well, when you're ready, I hope you'll think of us. Oh, I will.

Goodbye now.

Oh, that looks so good. Thank you.

Mr. Roper, I'm sorry about your uncle.

I brought you this cake. Oh, thank you very much. I'll put it in the fridge.

Oh, that's so sweet of you, Ann.

Well, if there's anything else I can do, you just let me know. Oh, I will. Oh,

hey, wait a minute.

Didn't you once tell me that your husband also sells life insurance?

Yes, he does.

Well, would it be okay if Stanley and I come over and talk to him? Oh, of

course. He'd love to talk to you, but right now he's outside in the hot tub.

Do you know, we've lived here almost a month, and we haven't even been to the

swimming pool, much less the hot tub. Well, you ought to try it. It's fun.

Yeah. It always turns Jeffrey on.

My teacher wants me to be alone.

We understand.

Come on, Helen. Let's talk. Oh, we wanted to talk to you about buying some

insurance.

However, there's nothing like group meditation. Come on in.

He should be insured for his full value as a husband.

As little as that?

How about $50 ,000?

Forget it.

Hello, Mr. Brooks. Hello, girls. Linda, Marilyn, say hello to Mr. and Mrs.

Roper. Hello, hi.

Let's not be so formal. I'm Stanley. She's Mrs. Roper.

A couple of cookies, huh?

No,

it's perfect. It's just right. Come on in.

I may never get out.

You'll bring the water to a boil.

Now, I'm getting back to insurance, Roper.

I thought it was my wife.

You may need insurance sooner than you think.

What business are you in, Mr. Rober?

Oh, I'm sort of retired.

Really?

You don't look that old.

Oh, I'm not. I'm not. I just made a killing, that's all.

In what?

Fertilizer.

No,

he's just kidding. Actually, I told him a very high -priced piece of property.

Oh, then you can easily afford a $50 ,000 policy.

Of course he can. Of course I can.

Wait. Can we talk about this some other time? Oh, what's the matter, Roper? You

afraid you can't pass the physical?

What are you talking about? I'm in perfect shape from head to toe. Right,

I don't remember.

Well, I am. I am. Well, good. It's all settled. $50 ,000.

All you have to do now is give me the first check for the premium.

Helen, go get him a check. I'll wait here.

Someone's tickling my feet again.

Medical examinations. They're so personal.

Telling you to turn your head and cough.

Just a simple checkup.

You're not having a transplant.

Well, I just don't trust doctors.

They're always telling me there's nothing wrong with me.

You're a hypochondriac.

That's because they haven't found anything yet.

Good morning. I'm Dr. Young.

Oh, my God.

Everything off?

Everything? Even your garters.

You women doctors, to you I'm not really a man, am I?

Well, I don't know. I haven't seen you yet.

I said breathe, mister. I am, I am.

Tell me, what's wrong?

Just relax.

Oh, by the way, doctor, I, uh, I really enjoyed Roots.

Really?

You really went through a lot when you first came here.

UCLA wasn't so bad.

It pumps like clockwork.

It is pumping, isn't it?

We'll let you know.

What are you going to let me know about the result of the exam?

They'll notify your insurance agent within two days.

You're all finished with me then?

Not yet.

Relax. The doctor said I'd hear in two days.

Well, this is just the second day.

It's bad news, Helen. I just know it's bad news.

Well, what makes you think that?

She told me to breathe, and I was breathing.

She didn't hear me. I was breathing like this.

Oh, I haven't heard you breathe like that in years.

I'm a sick man, Helen. The pain.

Oh, that's just heartbreak.

No, I eat your cooking. I know hard work.

Oh, my God. My God.

What? What? What? What is it? My ears.

What's the matter with your ears? They're clicking.

They're what?

They're clicking, like this.

What do you think it is?

Here, take my temperature. I think I got a temperature.

Hold my... No, no, no, don't do it like that. Do it like my mother used to do,

with your lips.

They're more sensitive.

Am I hot?

Not yet, but give me a chance.

You're sweet, and you're totally non -fattening.

Hi, David.

Stay good.

Daddy, will you read me a story?

Oh, sure, sure, of course.

But, uh, just one story, and then you go to bed, right, little fella? Yes.

Let's see now.

No.

Here's a short one.

I mean, here's a good one.

Billy and his talking bicycle.

Oh, good. I love that one.

Okay, now here we go, David.

Careful,

please. Careful, please.

Billy's bicycle was beautiful.

beautiful Billy's bicycle had a horn that went

He thinks I'm an idiot.

Yes, hello.

Yes, it is.

Oh, that's amazing.

That is amazing.

Yes, thank you.

What's amazing?

Roper passed his physical.

Oh, I'm glad.

Did anybody ever tell you that you have a sexy neck?

You better tell Mr. Roper.

That you have a sexy man.

No, that he passes physical. He's been very anxious to hear.

And I don't think it's fair to keep a man waiting.

Oh, I'm glad you agree.

I don't trust my eyes.

Helen.

What is it, dear?

A few things I want to tell you before I go.

I think you have a couple of minutes left.

I'm going fast.

I feel terrible about not telling you some things that I should have, but

did. What sort of things?

Said you're the only woman I ever loved.

You're the most wonderful woman in the world.

And my life would have been worthless without you.

Oh, Stanley.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Even if they aren't true, I should have told you.

And when you're all well, I'm going to kill you.

Unless... Nah, it's too late now. Too late for what?

Nah, never mind. What? What?

Oh,

well, all right.

See,

I was reading in that magazine about how making love is like a miracle drug. It

just puts new life in people.

You mean if we... Well, that's what...

Of course, I'm willing to drive you. I

don't think I can make it to the bedroom.

I'll carry you. I can manage.

I can manage.

Oh, no, no, no.

Look, Stanley, don't move.

Stay right there.

I'll get rid of them.

Oh, no.

It'll only take one moment. I know, I know.

Who's Roper? You passed your insurance exam.

I did?

Then I'm all right?

Medically speaking.

I'm going to live, Helen. I'm going to live.

Mr. Brooks, if you don't mind, my husband and I... Helen, Helen, didn't

what he said?

I'm all right.

Now we don't have to.

but the doctor told me this tub is good for my health.

You're not fooling me.

You're just waiting for those two girls to show up.

That's not true.

This is purely medicinal.

Medicinal, my foot.

Are the toothbrushes coming this morning?

Mm -hmm.

Well, um, here they are now.

The Ropers was videotaped in front of a studio audience.