Original subtitles

-Biva Publications, Merry Christmas.

Biva Publications, Merry Christmas.

No, I'm sorry, Miss Scrooge is in conference.

May someone else help you?

Biva Publications, Merry Christmas.

No, I'm sorry, Mr. Gervich,

Miss Scrooge is in conference and left orders not to be disturbed.

She's busy and left orders not to be disturbed,

Mr. Gervich.

Biva Publications, Merry Christmas.

-Impotent, impotent.

If I were searching for a word to best describe this feeble attempt

at a layout,

impotent would spring to my lips.

-But Miss Scrooge... -Don't but Miss

Scrooge me, Bob Hatchet. - But Miss Scrooge...

-I told you not to do that.

-Oh.

-How do you expect me to keep my circulation as high as it's been

with a bunch of photographs of limp dicks?

Hatchet, today's woman will not accept a limp dick

in her bedroom, will she?

-No, I guess not.

-She won't accept a limp dick on her singles' weekend,

will she? -I suppose she won't.

-Then she certainly won't accept a bunch of limp dicks

in her favorite magazine.

-Miss Scrooge, the photographer had trouble with these models.

It's very difficult to get exactly...

-Hatchet, I don't care how you do it, I don't care if you work all night,

these cocks had better be as big and as hard as the Washington monument.

-Miss Scrooge, it's Christmas Eve.

-Bah humbug.

Christmas Eve, is it?

Why does everything have to stop just because it's Christmas?

-It's only once a year.

I promised my wife.

-Bah humbug.

Hatchet,

if I were you, I'd worry more about my job than about Christmas.

-Miss Scrooge...

-Go, Hatchet,

and take this hatchet job with you,

and send in the Biva Boy of the Month candidate

on your way out.

-Biva Publications, Merry Christmas.

No, I'm sorry, Mr. Gervich, Miss Scrooge is in conference.

She's very busy, Mr. Gervich, and left orders not to be disturbed.

Perhaps Mr. Hatchet can help you.

-Come in.

-Good afternoon.

I'm Curt Reynolds, and a Merry Christmas to you, toots.

-Bah humbug.

-I beg your pardon?

-|'m not interested in what season it happens to be,

Mr. Reynolds.

I'm a very busy woman, so would you mind?

-Oh, sure. I have the portfolio right here.

I think you'll see any photos you'd like.

-You do have quite a body here, Mr. Reynolds.

-Well I do manage to keep in shape with a few bumps and grinds here and there

and a few midnight pushups.

-I can see that,

but we can't tell everything from photographs.

We expect a great deal from our Biva Boys,

a great deal.

Take off your clothes.

-Why, a certain amount.

I've got nothing to hide but my shortcomings.

-Gina, I'd like you in here right now, please.

-Yes, Miss Scrooge.

-This young gentleman thinks he'd like to be a Biva Boy.

What do you think? - You do seem to have the right equipment.

Does it work as good as it looks?

-|t's never let me down yet, mama.

-You do understand, Mr. Reynolds, that even though my assistant

is touching and caressing your penis, that this is only business.

-That's right, ma'am, but before we dine, we got to sign.

-I must know, for my readers,

what it looks like when it's bigger and harder,

whether you really qualify to be a sex symbol.

I mean whether you really qualify.

Does it meet with your approval, dear?

-Very much, Miss Scrooge.

-Hiya, sweetheart. No, I'm still at the office, babe.

I know it's Christmas Eve, but Miss Scrooge said

she'd fire me if I didn't finish this layout.

Yes, dear, I know Tiny Kim wants her daddy home.

Look, sweetheart, I'll finish this,

speed it up as quickly as I can.

I'll be home as soon as possible, okay?

Bye.

Sweetheart,

Merry Christmas.

Bye.

-Biva Publications, Merry Christmas.

No, I'm sorry, Miss Scrooge has left for the day,

but she will be in tomorrow.

I know it's Saturday, and I know it's Christmas Day.

Yes, but she always works on Christmas Day.

-Pauli? Pauli, where are you?

-Yes, Miss. Scrooge.

-If I've told you once,

I've told you a thousand times not to leave

your cleaning apparatus strewn all over the house.

-|'m sorry, Miss Scrooge, but I don't...

-Don't but Miss. Scrooge me. Why does everyone bug me?

"But Miss Scrooge that, but Miss Scrooge this."

I've had enough of it.

Now, get this out of here.

Look at that.

-Uhh, oh, Miss Scrooge,

I was wondering if I could have the night off.

My boyfriend, Tony, has tickets to the Christmas show

at Radio City, and being that it's Christmas,

I thought you might let me have the night off.

-What? If I hear Christmas from one more person...

Look, you cheap little tart.

If you want to perversely copulate with your boyfriend,

do it on your own time.

Now I've got to get some sleep, and I don't want to be disturbed.

Do you understand?

-Yes, Miss Scrooge.

-If Lance Marley was only still alive, he was the only one that ever understood

what was going on.

All of these incompetent fools babbling about Christmas and this and that.

Absolutely ridiculous.

-Carol.

Carol Scrooge.

Carol!

Carol Scrooge!

Turn around, you dummy.

Turn around and look upon me!

-What are you doing? What do you want with me?

-Carol Scrooge.

-Who are you?

-Don't ask me who I was

Ask me who I was, in life!

In life, I was your partner, Lance Marley.

Don't you remember me, Carol Scrooge?

Look at me.

-Why are you wearing that thing?

-|'m glad you asked me,

Carol Scrooge.

I am wearing this chain

I formed in life

inch by inch,

Yard by yard.

-Please spare me, Lance.

What do you want?

-How do I look, Carol?

Different, don't I?

I've got a proposition for you, honey.

You don't want to wind up like me, do you?

I'm here to save you.

I got a raw deal,

I really did.

I died at my desk with a hard-on.

Carol,

it wasn't fair.

They threw the book at me.

I still got some bruises.

I'm telling you, Carol... it wasn't fair,

but I'm going to save you.

I'm going to help you.

Look at these chains.

These worldly whatnots.

I have to walk around in time endless

with these heavy chains.

Is it not fair?

-Lance, even the Grim Reaper can't shut you up.

Please, just get to the point.

-Okay, listen, I got a really good proposition for you, honey,

because I made a deal with the committee,

so you're pretty lucky.

You understand what I mean?

Do you understand what I mean?

Okay, honey.

You're going to be visited by three spirits.

-Oh no. -Oh, yes, you are.

I'll tell you what, if you don't cooperate, Carol,

you know what's going to happen.

You know what's going to happen.

These heavy chains.

-What am I supposed to do?

-You know, Carol,

it's been seven long years,

lonely years.

You still look pretty damn good to me, tootsie.

You know that?

Do you know what death is?

You don't know what death is.

I know what death is.

It's an ever-endless wet dream

and you keep waking up before you come.

What about it, tootsie?

There's nobody that gives good blowjobs in heaven.

How about it, baby?

For old Lancey.

Carol poo,

is there a bathroom here?

I'll clean up.

I'll take my chains off for you.

Please, Carol.

It's so cold out there.

-I don't see why we have to be so quiet.

Nobody can hear us in here.

-Shush.

If Scrooge hears us, I'll get fired for sure.

-What's this chick, Carol Scrooge, like anyway?

How come you never introduced me to her?

Maybe she'd make me playboy of the month.

Hey, I hear they pay a lot of dough for that.

Enough to get married on.

-Just be quiet.

She's got lots of playboys and I bet they don't get paid much anyway.

Just what she calls fringe benefits.

-What fringe benefits?

-Never mind.

Why don't you just pay attention to me?

-Why don't you quit your damn ironing?

-Are you the spirit whose coming was foretold to me?

-I am.

-Who and what are you?

-I am the ghost of Christmas past.

-Long past?

-Your past.

-Could you put on your hat?

That light is hurting my eyes.

-What?

Would you so soon,

with worldly hands, put out the light I give?

Is it not enough that you are one of those whose passions made this hat,

and force me through all eternity to wear it low upon my brow?

-All right, all right.

Don't be so touchy.

What do you want, anyway?

-Your welfare.

-If it's my welfare you're so concerned about,

why don't you let me get a whole night's sleep?

-Your reclamation, then.

Come, rise and walk with me.

-I'm not going out that way.

We mortals aren't too good in the flying department,

you know.

-Bear but a touch upon my hand and you shall be upheld.

-Where are we?

What is this place?

-This is no place but time.

Time without beginning and time without end.

-American Express?

Surely you must take American Express.

Well then, Master Charge,

will you take my Master Charge?

Surely, you'll take Diners Club.

I have Diners Club.

-Who is this man?

What is he doing here?

-He is not here.

He is everywhere.

On Earth,

he was a businessman and world traveler.

His factories polluted the rivers.

He used his many credit cards to rent automobiles and get airplanes

that polluted the atmosphere, that others less guilty than himself

were forced to breathe.

His corrupt ideas polluted the minds of other men,

and he died

to face a justice that is eternal.

-Why is he wearing these credit cards all over his body?

-It is his fate to wander through eternity armed with the credit cards

that made his life on Earth so easy for him.

But now,

no one will accept them.

He is doomed to face eternal rejection at infinite Hertz counters throughout

all time.

-Diners Club.

Won't you please take Diners Club?

You must take American Express.

Won't you please take American Express?

-And will this be my fate, too?

-That is up to you.

Come.

Follow me through time.

-Oh my God!

But that's impossible.

-Does it look familiar to you?

-I haven't thought about it in a long time,

but that's my old room when we were in Westchester.

And that's Billy Baxter.

-This is my Johnny Unitas autographed football.

I bet you I could throw it farther than anything.

-And Barbie White.

She was my best friend. Barbie?

-Oh, you and your football.

That's all you ever want for Christmas is a football.

-Barbie, it's me, Carol. Barbie?

-They are but shadows of things that have been.

They have no consciousness of us.

-You mean they can't see me?

-That is correct, but you can see them.

And well you should.

For there is much to learn from things that have been.

-Where's Carol, anyway?

She said I could play with her new doll.

-Well, I don't know.

What do you want with a doll, anyway?

-Oh, Carol, I think that's wonderful!

I never get Christmas presents like you do.

-You like it? -I think it's wonderful.

-Not so fast, Barbie.

You can play with the doll.

But first you have to do something for me.

Everything has its price.

-All right. What do I have to do?

-I want you to kiss me.

-That's all?

-Not like that.

Not on the cheek.

I want you to kiss me all over.

And you too, Billy. -Oh, no. Not me.

I've got to get home for Christmas dinner.

We're having turkey.

-Billy, you'll do as you're told, or I'll tell my mother that it was you

who broke the dining room window with your snowball.

-Oh no, please!

If mom finds out, I won't get my allowance for a year.

-Then you'll do what I tell you.

I'm going to take off my jammies and I want you to kiss me there.

-But I gotta get home for dinner.

-Billy!

-All right.

What should I do first?

-Why are you showing me this?

-Does it bother you? -No.

Well, I don't know.

I was always fond of Billy.

Our parents thought we would marry, but...

'But?

-But he sort of changed his mind.

As we grew older,

we grew apart.

After I left home, I never saw him again.

I always wondered what had happened to him.

-How could you hope to have gained in friendship those

the advantage of whom you so boldly took?

Gaze upon this deed and know.

-Billy.

I want to see what you two look like.

Take off your clothes.

-But my mother... -Billy!

I'll tell.

Take off your clothes.

-Oh, all right.

-All of them.

Okay, Barbie, I want you to kneel down

and make Billy's pee-pee hard.

Put it in your mouth

and be very nice.

Do you like that, Billy?

-Well... yes.

-Do it nice, Barbie.

I want you to kiss him really good.

Stop that.

-Carol, leave me alone.

-Then do it right.

-|'m trying.

-What is the matter?

-Nothing in particular.

Something, I think.

-No.

Well,

I'd like to touch him just once.

Just to touch him.

-Quite impossible.

-I know.

-What was to become of them?

-They were to marry.

She bore him three fine sons,

blessed with good health.

They were quite happy in their situation.

-Do they ever think of me?

-My time grows short.

-Please,

take me away from here.

-I told you that these are shadows of things that have been.

That they are what they are.

Don't blame me.

-Are you the second ghost that Marley spoke of?

-You bet your buns, baby.

Aren't I just a sight?

Honestly I think I am simply too, too divine.

Oh, but divine is such a boring word.

Overused, don't you think?

I am certainly anything but boring.

-If the first spirit was the ghost of Christmas past,

then you must be the ghost of Christmas present.

-You bet your mortal sins, you sweet pea.

You naughty, naughty thing.

I mean, I am the present.

I'm now.

I'm what's happening. I'm together!

I mean I'm what's happening, baby!

-Are you just what's happening to me, or are you what's happening to everyone?

- Well...

you are a curious little munchkin!

Well if you must know, I'm your now.

I mean at least NOW I'm your now.

Other nows, I'm other people's nows.

Oh, did you get all of that?

I mean, I'm just happening everywhere, honey!

I'm so now that,

well, if there were such a thing as reincarnation,

I'd come back as Bloomingdale's.

-Look, spirit, just take me where I'm supposed to go.

Last night I learned a lesson I won't forget soon.

So just take me.

-My! You are an anxious little cutie, aren't you?

Well, all right, if that's what WE want.

You may touch my tunic.

Oh, I just LOVE appearing and reappearing!

I mean, it's just too, too divine. - I suppose.

-|t's absolutely TOO ethereal.

It reminds me of the baths.

-The Continental Baths?

-Oh, the Continental Bears.

Oh, my, my, we are tacky.

NO, you silly goose.

The ORIGINAL baths at the original Caesar's Palace.

I mean, you know, Brutus was an honorable man

and all that sort of thing.

-What did you bring me here to see?

-PLENTY, you little honeypot.

I brought you here to see what's happening NOW.

I mean you have just to look no further than straight in front of you.

Tell me,

what do you see?

-Well, there's something, but I can't make it out.

-Oh, Bob, please be careful of those balls.

I only had enough money to get one box.

-Sorry, dear.

-That's Bob Hatchet

and his wife Barbara.

-Well no shit, Sherlock!

Now, you just look straight ahead and watch how people less fortunate

than yourselves celebrate the spirit of Christmas.

-What could they possibly have to celebrate?

Well, you just keep watching, toots.

MAYBE you'll learn something.

-You know, you've been working for that skinflint Carol Scrooge

for four years now without a raise.

-Yes, dear.

-Honestly, if you were working for any other magazine in this city,

you'd be making twice as much.

God, I hate that woman.

-Yunno it's strange, but I really feel kinda sorry for her.

She doesn't even believe in Christmas.

I think she's really just a terribly lonely person.

-She's an old witch.

-No, she's not.

With all her money, she's sitting home alone

on Christmas Eve, lonely and miserable.

You know, we're a lot luckier.

We have each other.

-Come on, it's time for you to open your present.

-Honey, I told you not to get me anything.

-You've got to open the present now.

-Oh, honey, you shouldn't have.

I told you not to get me anything.

-Oh, it's okay, I saved the money for my grocery allowance.

-Honey, this must have been very expensive.

-It doesn't matter, you're worth it.

Do you like it?

-Have I told you lately that I love you?

-Yes, but you haven't shown me.

-I can't believe it.

I mean, they have no money in the bank,

and he can hardly exist on the salary that I pay him.

How can they be so happy?

-Well, they're happy because they love each other,

and it's Christmas!

- What does that matter? - OH!

You ARE a tacky bitch.

You just better keep watching!

-I love you.

-Merry Christmas.

-They don't even dislike me.

As mean as I've been to them and they don't even dislike me.

-Well, well, well!

I think you're FINALLY beginning to catch on.

-What happens now?

-Well, my time is up.

I've got to fly.

I mean, you're not the ONLY boob in a bra.

'Spirit?

Spirit, don't leave me alone.

I don't want to be alone.

I think I understand now.

Spirit, please.

Please don't leave me alone.

-Are you the spirit of Christmas yet to come?

You're going to show me things that haven't happened,

but will happen in the future?

Is that why you're here, spirit?

Ghost of the future,

I fear you more than any spirit I have seen,

but I know your purpose is to do me good,

and I want to change.

So I will bear your company

and do it gladly,

but please speak to me.

Oh, all right, then.

Lead on.

Spirit, I don't understand any of this.

It's just a cheap hooker picking up some creep.

Come on in, honey.

Don't be bashful.

Mama's going to show you a good time.

Close the door, honey. We don't want an audience for this.

Take them off.

Let mama see what you look like.

Mama's going to show you a good time for your $20.

My God!

Spirit,

tell me it's not true.

Please, it just can't be true.

-Look uhh,

I don't want you to think I, I do things like this.

Uhh, I mean..

I've got a family.

-Sure, honey, I know.

Me too.

Come on, honey, take them off. I haven't got all night.

Girl's got to make a living, you know.

Come on, honey, I haven't got all night.

Come on, honey.

Let's wash it off.

This is your first half.

-Not too fast, baby.

Ohh...

It feels so good.

-You sure take a long time.

-|'m saving myself for the other half.

-Oh, yes. Suck it, baby.

Ooh.

-The first half is over, honey.

Fuck me, honey.

Come on, Daddy, give it to mommy.

Ooh, come on, baby,

doesn't that feel good?

Oh, fuck me, honey.

-Spirit,

please do something.

You must have the power to change it.

I'll do anything.

Please

don't let this happen to me.

Give it all to mommy, baby.

Come on, honey.

Ooh, put that big cock in there.

Fuck me.

Yes.

Fuck me. Come on, baby.

Ooh, do it good.

Do it good, baby.

-Spirit,

just tell me this,

are these the shadows of things that will be,

or are these the shadows of things that might be?

Ooh, ooh.

Spirit, tell me this.

I understand the course a person takes through life

is connected to certain ends,

but if the course were to change then certainly the ends

would change.

Spirit, please tell me this is so.

-Please tell me I can change the things I've seen tonight.

Please, Spirit,

tell me I can change these things.

I'm different now.

I understand the meaning of Christmas, not just once a year,

but every minute of every day.

I've understood the lessons the three Spirits have taught me

and I'll never forget them.

Please tell me I can change these things.

You know, honey,

you're a rotten fuck.

Please, Spirit,

please.

-No, no, no. Spirits, don't let this happen.

No, no.

Oh,

I'm alive!

And it's Thursday.

No,

it's Saturday.

Each of the spirits took a different night.

Oh, it doesn't matter.

I'm alive,

and oh, it's gorgeous.

Oh, what a beautiful day.

I've never seen such a beautiful day.

What a glorious day!

What a wonderful day to be alive.

Hello!

Tell me, what day is this?

Today?

Why,

it's Christmas Day.

-It's Christmas Day!

I haven't missed it, then.

The spirits did it all in one night.

They can do anything they like.

Of course, they can.

A Merry Christmas to you.

The merriest Christmas to all of you.

I think I like the way that sounds.

Y€S2

Merry Christmas.

Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas!

Oh, I feel so good.

I'll celebrate Christmas every day of the year.

I'll be the best person I can possibly be.

I'll do better than that.

I'll be a friend to the needy.

I'll be a friend to everyone!

I'll never be mean again!