Original subtitles

Hey, Reba.

Hey, Brock.

How are you?

Oh, that's right. We're divorced. I don't care.

Let me ask you something.

What was the most romantic thing I did in our marriage?

Leave.

That's funny because it's true.

Yeah, come on. Look, I need to up the romance with Barbara Jean and I'm coming

up blank.

Do what you did with me.

Leave. She'll love you for it later.

I'm serious, Reba. Things have been a little... rough between us, what with

losing all the weight and getting hired as a weather girl and me being, well,

me.

Oh, goodness gracious, Brock. Why didn't you come to me sooner?

Oh, that's right. We're divorced. I don't care.

Hey,

Daddy. Hey, honey.

Mom, can I talk to you for a second? Honey, I'm kind of eating right now. Yo,

I'm kind of pregnant, and this is an emotional emergency.

Okay, what is it?

Mom, I overheard everything.

Poor dad.

You have got to help him turn up the heat with Barbara Jean.

No, I don't. Yes, you do.

That man in there, he is a part of our family, okay?

And he needs our help. And I don't think it is too much for us to all just get

along and love one another and not break up so this world can be a happy place

for me to raise my children in. Do you think that's okay for you? Can you do

that for me? Can you do that for my baby?

Wow, you really are pregnant, aren't you?

Oh, okay. I'll do it. I'll help.

Brock, wait.

I'll... You'll

what? Help!

Seriously? Yeah.

Give me a little bit of time, and I'll come up with something that'll knock the

socks off that giant wife of yours.

Oh, wow.

Thanks, Cheyenne.

Bye.

Bye.

It says, Kira, do not touch.

You're not supposed to be in the garage.

That's my office. Didn't you see the computer desk I put out there?

Jake put a poster of Bambi in his closet. Doesn't make it Disneyland.

Mrs. H, Kira seems to think that she can just waltz into our garage slash office

and move around our stuff slash junk.

Punish her.

Ben, I told her she could. Her band's shooting a video and Kelly Clarkson has

the kitchen booked.

But that's my office.

Share the space.

But I need privacy.

I go into my office to get into the zone.

Once I'm in the zone, the magic happens.

No office, no zone. No zone, no magic. No magic, no money.

No shoes, no shirt, no service.

That's a lock here. That's not funny.

here now. Just work something else out.

Well, fine. Maybe I'll go to Kira's room and move her stuff around.

I put a do not disturb sign on the door.

Dang it!

Kira, honey, can't you just shoot your video over in your dad's garage?

You can't run the lights in the tanning booth at the same time.

Hey, Reba.

So. Did you think of something to help me romance Barbara Jean? Yes, I did.

You know, I thought about getting into Barbara Jean's head, but you know me, I

hate cobwebs.

So this is what I came up with.

First, get a babysitter for Henry so you guys can have more time alone.

Then, hide some flowers around the house so that every time she turns a corner,

she gets a beautiful surprise.

Next, draw her a bubble bath.

Some candles, throw some chocolates on the pillows.

You see where I'm going here?

That's it?

Candy and flowers? I could have gotten that from watching The View.

What do you want from me, Brock?

I don't know. Something original. Something that will wow her.

Well, that shouldn't be too difficult.

Just give her something shiny. Dangle her keys in front of her.

Come on, Reba. I'm under a lot of pressure here, especially since...

since what?

Well, in two days, I'm going to Vegas for a dental convention.

Are you kidding me?

You're asking me to help butter up your wife so you can run off for a week of

poker and strip clubs?

It's a business trip.

I play poker to network, and most strippers don't have dental insurance.

on your own. I can't drag you two steps forward when you're slamming the brakes

in reverse. No, no, no. Come on, Reba. I'm serious about this. Look, Barbara

Jean and I have never been this distant before.

Then cancel your trip.

I can't.

I've got tickets for Siegfried.

Fine. This is my last shot.

Take it or leave it.

Pick a happy moment from your marriage.

Could be an anniversary or a special night out. And recreate it.

That is not half bad.

Yeah, and if that doesn't work, just make sure you have your keys.

Oh, sure, buddy.

You remember the old Vanster, huh?

Fast as lightning, agile as a kitty cat.

This isn't really about football.

It's about your thing on YouTube.

My thing on who what?

Keir posted a video of you getting in the zone.

Everyone at school's talking about it.

right there, buddy.

Now, here, baby.

Here we go. You want to smack it? Go ahead.

You want to smack it? Go ahead.

Who's that?

Kira? Kira? Kira? Get out of here!

I feel so violated.

this reminds me of a joke. You know how many redheads it takes to change a light

bulb? You know, you're getting the ball spot.

How was your mission in Vegas? Oh, it was great. You know, in fact, I stopped

to thank you for pointing me in the right direction. I came up with

terrific for Barbara Jean. Oh, can't wait to hear all about it.

Well, you have to promise you won't tell anyone. I want this to be a big

surprise. Oh, scouts honor.

What did your big orange head come up with now?

Got my vasectomy reversed.

You what?

Yeah. It's my present for Barbara Jean.

I'm going to get her pregnant, this time on purpose.

Wow, this Siegfried is a magician, isn't he?

You got your vasectomy

reversed? Yeah.

On the way to the airport, I was racking my brain.

What would be the perfect moment from our marriage to recreate?

And then it hit me.

Barbara Jean was happiest when she was pregnant with Henry. So I called a

specialist in Vegas.

Snip, clip, they put me back together. I am locked and loaded.

Brock, I meant a dinner and movie, not popping out another kid.

No, no, no. It's perfect. Imagine how surprised she'll be when she finds out

she's pregnant.

Surprised? You mean you're not going to tell her?

No, it's much more romantic this way. I mean, if I say, hey, I got my vasectomy

reversed, well, that's all about me. But surprise, you're pregnant, that's all

about her.

Brock, you just don't spring a baby on someone.

It's not like a scarf or a diamond ring. You can't take them back.

No, no, no, you have to discuss this with Barbara Jean first. No, no, no, I

don't. No, you remember how angry she was when she found out I got a

Well, that's because she wanted more kids. And now, she's going to get her

Is there anything you can't get done in Vegas?

order to remain successful, I have to project an image of professionalism. And

this, again, no matter how sexy, it doesn't look

professional.

Dude, lighten up.

When did you lose your sense of humor? No, I didn't lose my sense of humor,

Kira. I grew up. And someday, you'll realize that if you don't take yourself

seriously, nobody else will.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, your video is beating the one of the cat

flushing the toilet.

a doofus to you? Don't answer that.

I'm not a doofus.

I'm not a doofus. I'm not a doofus.

I am a professional. So next time, keep me out of your stupid childish videos.

You got it? Okay.

Okay, I got it. Okay.

At least I hope I got it.

I need to talk to you.

Honey, are you okay?

Oh, yeah. It's just this stupid commercial about this old man who can't

his grandson's baseball game because he's got a bladder condition.

You know what? I think I'm going to talk to someone a little less pregnant,

okay? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Come on, Mom.

I'm fine, I'm fine. Just tell me what's on your mind.

Well, honey, I need some advice.

I know someone who is about to make a big mistake. I mean, a huge mistake that

will have a big impact on himself and everybody around him, and I just don't

know what to do.

Can you give me any names? No. Is one of the names Van?

No. Okay.

Well, whenever I'm in a situation like that, I usually ask myself, what would

Mom do?

So, my advice to you is ask yourself.

What would Reba do?

Okay, I'm not talking to you anymore.

Oh, wait, no.

Look, the Reba that I know usually knows deep in her heart what the right thing

to do is. And she does it no matter how painful or inconvenient it might be.

Crap.

No one be naked.

Hey,

Barbara, is Brock around?

Oh, he's around.

And he's about to make me feel like a natural woman.

Good. Hey, is there something I can help you with?

I just came by to chat.

Yeah, well, you know, Reba, I know that you want to be over here 24 -7, but...

I'm married now, and my husband and I need a little alone time.

Am I interrupting something?

I hope so.

Barbara Jean, this is important.

Well, I'm sure that it can wait.

I'm serious.

So am I, Red.

So am I.

Barbara Jean, honey, who is it? Oh, nobody, honey. It's just one of those

Mormons on a bicycle.

Are you going to let me in or not? No. Okay, I'll just go around the back door

then.

Wow.

Very low, Reba. Very low.

First time in a long time Brock shows a little hint of romance and you decide to

drop by.

Fantastic.

Brock, honey, I'm gonna go upstairs and I'm gonna put on something a little more

revealing.

Oh, and, uh, Reba?

I'm going to be half naked, and you don't want to see all this.

Rod,

get out here!

Reba, what are you doing here? Look, we've got to talk. You cannot do this to

Barbara Jean. Well, I took a little blue pill, and I'm pretty sure I can.

You cannot get her pregnant without talking to her first. It's deceitful,

dishonest, and it's just plain wrong. It's also none of your business.

Oh, yes, it is my business. It became my business when you told me about it.

Reba, you have no idea how bad things are between us.

If I don't do something to save our marriage, we may not make it.

You mean things are really that bad?

Yeah, things are really that bad.

Well, go to couples therapy. Get help, but not this. This is insanity.

Look, we tried all that. It didn't work. Now, I know what I'm doing. This is the

right choice for us. It's not your choice to make.

Look, Barbara Jean may be your wife, but she's also my... person I know.

If you don't tell her, I will. Tell me what? Oh, nothing, nothing, honey. You

know what, Reva? We'll talk about this later. Last chance.

You tell her or I will.

Tell me... what?

Okay, fine. There goes the surprise.

Barbara Jean, honey, I wanted to do something really...

Really special for you, though.

I got my vasectomy reversed.

What? Yeah, the stamina's swimming upstream.

You got your vasectomy reversed? Surprise.

And when were you going to tell me this little surprise?

And when I ended up pregnant?

Wow.

Okay, all right. If it helps, his heart was in the right place. Okay, you know

what? Don't defend him on this. Wait a minute, honey, honey. Why are you so

I thought that this would bring us closer together.

How does lying and deceiving bring us closer together?

Gosh, Brooke, just when I think you're growing up, just when I think there is a

glimmer of hope for us, you pull something like this?

This was the last straw.

You and your salmon can sleep on the couch.

Thank you, Reba.

Sorry, Brock. Is there anything else I can do?

No, I think you've done enough for one evening.

If it helps, you've ruined salmon for me.

Doofus. I dance around like a doofus. Do I look like a doofus to you, Kira?

Kira? Kira?

Oh,

the girl's got talent. You gotta hand that to her.

Gotta go.

I just got the computer back. All right.

Hey, man, how was your day?

Fantastic.

Fantastic.

Ben, you have a note taped to your back. I know.

I put it there.

Why? You're not going to believe this.

I'm the fun guy. Thanks to Keira's videos, everybody thinks I'm a big

and it's working for me. Just today, some guy at the bus stop shouted, hey,

doofus!

That's great.

Because all the kids love me, they asked their parents to hire me. Tomorrow, I

have three meetings, an open house, and somebody wants me to emcee a bar

mitzvah.

What's a bar mitzvah?

Well, it's like a sweet 16 party, except it's for a Jewish boy who just turned

13.

Mrs. H, you can say you just don't know.

Anyway, don't tell Kira about this, or she'll stop taping me, okay?

Hey, Mom. Hey, honey.

Hey, you, boob.

Hello, Kira.

Now, if you excuse me, I'm gonna go to my office for some business -related

rituals, and I'd appreciate absolute privacy.

What's with him? Oh, you've made him famous. He's the doofus.

I don't think that one was on purpose.

That's Girlfriend, Monday, 9, 8 Central.