Original subtitles

Hey, Mr. Deitch, that bungalow on Vesper Avenue is having an open house on

Saturday. We should take some clients over there.

Uh -huh.

We can go together on horseback.

Sounds like fun.

I'll wear a thong and sing I Feel Like a Woman at the top of my lungs.

Terrific. Mrs. Deitch, snap out of it. We need to go to an open house on

Saturday. Oh, Kate, I'm going to go see a movie with Kira.

But, Mrs. H, we should sell this house to the Douglas family.

They're dumb.

I'm sorry, Van, but I don't want to work on a beautiful Saturday.

Things are just too good.

Kara's moved back in.

Cheyenne's pregnant.

Barbara Jean hadn't been over here in three days.

You know, Mrs. H, I know things are good, but you know what would make them

better? If we could make some money.

I understand, Van. It's just that around here, Smooth sailing is as rare as

eyeglasses on a cartoon rabbit.

You know, you usually see them on the turtle.

Anyhow, I just want to enjoy it.

Why are you wearing a basketball uniform?

Jake, you in a play or something?

No, I've got practice today. I made the basketball team.

You made the team. They held a tryout.

And you made the basketball team.

Yes, stupid.

Jake, sorry.

Ben!

I'm very proud of you, honey.

Hey, I've got some time this week. I'll come watch you play. Oh, sure. Why would

you want to go sell house and make some dough when you can watch some twerps sit

on a bench?

What are you mumbling about over there?

Nothing.

So what time's the game, honey?

No, don't come on.

It'll just make me nervous and everything.

Are you sure?

Positive.

Okay. All right. Well, have a good time.

Break a leg.

I was kidding about that one.

Yeah, that is great. My sailing partner is not interested in sailing.

Jake's on a basketball team. I live in Wackoville. That's where I live.

Hey, Mom. Hey.

Hey, Vin.

Congratulations on breeding some more.

Not even sincere.

You know what? No one asked me if she could move back in.

What's with him? Oh, he wants to go horseback riding in a thong.

It's a long story.

Kara, that's a beer. I know. You want one?

No, I don't want one.

Good thing I don't mind drinking alone.

Bottoms up.

Ah, that's good brewski.

What are you doing? Having a beer.

Or as us kids say, it's all good.

Don't get smart with me, young lady. What are you going on about?

Since when do you drink beer?

Come on, Mom. I'm not a kid anymore. I'm 18 years old. Which means it's not

child abuse if I slap you upside the head.

I don't get it. Dad and Barbara Jean let me. I knew it.

I knew those two were behind this. They're dumber than a five -pound sack

stupid.

They said as long as I only drink at home and they were there, it was okay.

Honey, we have rules around here, and one of them is we don't listen to your

or Barbara Jean.

I'm sorry, Kara. I'm going to put my foot down on this.

Here we go again.

And what's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. Just more rules, that's all. Nice to be back in jail, warden.

Don't tell me about rules.

I'm pretty flexible if you ask me. You were late today and I didn't say

about that.

You just did.

Yeah, well, don't tell me what I just did. I'll tell you what I just did.

Sitting around here like it's a pub or something. I'll tell you what.

That's a good rooster.

Who I am is who I want to be.

Kira, she could drink beer.

Yes. And I know what you're gonna say.

Wine is more ladylike, but... I tell you what, that kid loves the

thugs.

I was wrong.

You two are dumber than a ten -pound sack of stupid.

Look, Reba, we made a deal with Kira that occasionally she could have a beer

that she's 18.

It's a good way to have some control and keep your teen from feeling deprived of

something. I read that in an article in a parenting magazine.

Or a bartending magazine. I can't remember.

Maybe it's because you were drunk, honey.

And that's what passes for wit in this house. Bravo.

Okay, stop it.

Just stop it. You're still in trouble with me.

Look, Reba, Kira's never even gotten close to drunk, and she's always stayed

the house. We had her where we could keep an eye on her. Yeah.

teenagers can get into some pretty racy stuff. Believe me. No, I believe you.

You know, this one time, I was down at Possum Swallow Creek, and this boy dared

me... Yeah, she said she believes you, okay?

Look, Reba, we had a pretty good thing going with Kara here, okay?

Tell you the truth, I don't even think she likes beer. She just liked knowing

that she could have one. Nobody was telling her no.

Reba, we thought this over very carefully.

We believe that if you trust the child, they'll make the right choices on their

own. I mean, Brock and I may be dealing with a strained and painfully awkward

marriage, but we are good parents.

Yeah.

That's the dumbest thing I ever heard in my life.

But Reba... No, no.

We're her parents, not her drinking buddies.

Well, things are going to be different over at my house.

Oh, and before I leave, what brand of cigarettes do you buy for Jake?

What was that for? You let Jake smoke?

Yes,

I'll perform that brain surgery as soon as I finish erasing the deficit and

flying my rocket ship back to the moon.

See, sweetie?

Girls are smart. They can do anything they want. Oh, my God. This top is

darling. I wish they made it for really.

Oh, hey, girls. Hey, Daddy.

Hey, honey.

Mommy and Daddy have to talk. Can you go get me a juice?

Oh, thank you, honey.

He's going to have to get his own juice when you become president.

Hey, I thought you didn't want her playing with your Barbies.

I just came from Jake's basketball practice.

Wait, I thought he didn't want anybody to see him play. He didn't. That's why I

went. I smelled a rat. Did he freak when he saw you? No, no. He didn't see me. I

used my ninja skills to hide behind the bleachers.

Well, you're not going to make me call you Sensei again, are you?

No. Well, I mean, I don't know yet.

Well, how did he do?

Awesome. Never miss. Nothing but net.

That's cool.

Not cool. Read this.

Hart leads Hustlers to finals?

Oh, boy.

Jakey. Oh, keep reading.

The team rallied with one minute left and an offensive outburst from center

Hart to win the game by four points. Honey, this is great.

The Hustlers will play the Dragons this Saturday for the All -City Wheelchair

Championship.

Wheelchair?

Wheelchair? Jake is on a wheelchair basketball team. He's a

fake cripple kid.

by idiots.

Oh, you don't even know the half of it.

What did Dad and Barbara Jean do now? Your Dad and Barbara Jean have been

letting Kira drink beer.

And? Does that deserve an and?

She's a child.

You don't let children drink. We're not France.

First off, Kira's not a child. She's 18.

Okay, so she can vote and fight in a war, but sober.

Is she drinking too much?

No. Is she being responsible?

Yeah, I guess.

Well, then leave her alone.

Yeah, Mrs. H., leave her alone.

Trust me, you have bigger fish to fry.

What? Okay, Mom, you know what? Kira's a good kid. You should give her credit

for that.

The way you freaked about drinking when I was her age almost made me want to do

it more. Oh, I'll say. Oh, you couldn't wait to get out of here on weekends.

You were dangerous.

Out of control.

Promiscuous.

You were like a frat boy.

I don't know why I just said that.

I developed a drinking problem.

Oh, I knew if I waited long enough, this would become my fault.

Does that sound gay?

I'm not gay.

I just, you know, I meant sorority chick.

Shut up, Ben.

Look, Mom, you can't control everything.

The more rules you give her, the more she has to rebel against.

If you treat her like an adult, maybe she'll act like one.

I don't know.

Oh, man.

I had the worst day ever.

I was the only one prepared for my band practice, nobody understood my art

project, and apparently they no longer make the black lipstick I like.

Sounds rough.

Want me to fix you a cocktail?

I saw you. You wit.

I am the knight.

It's still light out.

Yeah, well, stick around.

Oh, I see what's going on.

May I pass, Sensei?

No, no, Grasshopper.

I just want to talk to you. So, uh, tell me.

How was practice?

Okay. Yeah? Hey, let's take a seat.

No. Oh.

Been, uh, hitting too much lately, huh?

What? Wow.

That's pretty nice basketball kicks you got there.

Thanks. They're new. They look brand new. Like they've never even touched the

old hardwood.

They're just shoes.

Man, you're weird. And you're a fraud.

What? You're a handicapped fraud.

Or is it handy -capable?

Doesn't matter.

Dude, I saw you at practice.

It's not my fault.

on a wheelchair basketball team by mistake.

I don't know.

I was just goofing off down at the rec center and I took this wheelchair... You

stole a wheelchair?

You knocked down some little tiny Tim out of his chair and stole it?

Oh, my gosh.

I'm gonna be sick.

storage room.

Oh.

I was just rolling around and shooting and it was amazing.

I couldn't miss.

You know me.

I'm clumsy.

Jake, you're not that bad.

Really? You're awful. Go on.

This guy in a wheelchair saw me and asked if I wanted to be on the team.

And before I could say no, these other guys rolled in. And I was on the team

I was great.

Great?

Yeah.

Everyone loved me. I had six girls offer to push me home today.

All right, but look, Jake, you got to know that this is a form of cheating and

that you shouldn't do it and blah, blah, blah, right?

I know you're right, but I can't just quit.

I'm an inspiration.

Okay, so you don't quit. What?

Here's the plan.

I'm going to call your coach, and I'm going to tell him that I'm your dad, and

you can't play because... Because... You're

sicker.

Genius! Kid in a wheelchair sick? How hard is that to believe?

What kind of sick?

I don't know.

Spina colada.

I like that.

Spina colada.

So look, now that you have your confidence back, we're going to get you

regular basketball team. Come on, go ahead. Take a shot.

What do you expect? You have spina colada.

Thanks, I appreciate it, but I don't have the time.

Kira?

Yeah?

Where did that boy come from? He wasn't here when I went to bed last night.

Oh, give him a break, Mom. He just got out of prison.

Kira, I'm kidding.

He's the bass player for my band, and he came over last night to finish a song.

No. No, no, not in my house. See, that's what happens when you let one little

bitty rule slide.

Nothing happened. We fell asleep.

You fell asleep?

Yes. What's the problem? I was in the bed and he was on my floor.

No, my floor.

My floor, my house.

And that boy is not welcome to sleep on my floor in my house.

Yep, the warden's back. Oh, yeah, she's back and badder than ever.

As long as you live in my house, you will live by my rules. And there will be

boys coming in at night and leaving in the morning. None.

Fine. Well, maybe then I'll just move back in with Dad.

Oh!

Oh, that reminds me. No more threatening of moving out. You live here now, and

you'll live here until you go to college.

I'm the boss.

I make the rules, and you live by them. You understand me?

Yeah. Yeah.

And there will be no more drinking in this house.

There will be no drinking.

Over at your father's house of giggles either.

Yes, ma 'am.

Oh, a new rule.

You have to whistle all the way through the door when you leave.

What? Yeah, that's a new rule, Carrie. Do it.

That one

probably

won't stick.

Okay, so anytime Kira's over at your house, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't

let her drink.

And by appreciate it, I mean don't let her drink.

But I can still drink, right?

Because he is boring.

I think you're the one that's boring. Oh, no, you are. No, you are. No, you

I just have a little bit of homework and then a band meeting at 7, so I should

be home around 10 if that's all right. Okay. Just check in with me, okay? I

will.

Wow.

Things seem to be really working out over here, Reba. Yep.

Yeah, I tried to tell Barbara Jean we needed more boundaries.

You did not. Yes, I did. You did not. Yes, I did. I told you. I told you.

Speaking of boundaries, I think we need to talk about you guys bickering in

front of people all the time.

We do not bicker.

Hi, I'm here to check on Wheel.

I think you have the wrong house.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Coach Donahue. I was looking for Jake Hart. We call him

Wheel. I'm Jake's father. Can I help you?

Oh, sorry to hear about this Spina Colada.

Hey.