Original subtitles

Hey, Brock.

You know, I got the house and the divorce so I can say things like this.

Get out.

Why don't you ask Mrs. H to talk to Barbara Jean? She doesn't mind saying

things to her.

I'm in.

You don't even know what he's talking about.

It doesn't matter. If it's about Barbara Jean and it's mean, I'm in.

Mr. H wants Barbara Jean to drop a few pounds.

Fan, you do not talk about Barbara Jean's weight behind her back like that.

just made a joke about it the other day.

Fan, you do not rat me out.

Wait just a second. Let me get this straight.

You want me to talk to Barbara Jean about losing some weight? Yeah, would

Sure. Really?

No! Well, why not? Because women don't tell other women that they need to lose

weight. Oh, I'll tell her.

What? Well, I have to talk to Barbara Jean. As an addict, it's my

to help others.

And in my self -help group, we got all kinds of addicts. We got shopping

addicts, gambling addicts, sex addicts. Sex addicts?

Well, I'm guessing they're not married.

It's good they're getting help, though.

that Barbara Jean may be eating more because of all the crazy stuff you put

through in the past year.

Once again, everyone else's problems are my fault.

See, you say it, but it doesn't sound like you believe it.

Come on, Dad, let's go. Remember, first names only.

Okay, but you'll be gentle, right?

Totally. I know how to talk in a way that's caring and sensitive to people of

girth. Barbara Jean, you're an addict.

You're addicted to food.

You use it to dull the feelings of emptiness in your life and the

in your relationships.

Really? Mm -hmm.

Do I smell schnapps?

Okay, I'm just trying to help. Oh, I know you are, dear, but perhaps you're

looking at me with beer goggles.

Hey, when I called you an addict, I was trying to help. Now, you're just saying

that to be mean.

Cheyenne, I'm sure she didn't mean anything. You know, I have been in my

long enough to know how to spot an addict. And believe me, they're

But the first time that you tell someone they got a big problem, it's like, hey,

have another shot, booze hound. I think, honey, maybe you ought to let me handle

this. You know what? I swear to God, I'm going to slug someone one day.

Look, I'm just going to say it.

I'm going to be direct.

Straightforward. Okay, spit it out. You gained some weight.

Oh.

No, I'm just... I'm kidding.

Hey, we both put on some weight.

You want some wine? I do.

Honey,

you don't have to get freaked out talking about this.

I know I put on some extra pounds.

I just didn't realize that it bothered you. No, it doesn't bother me bother me.

It's just I thought maybe, I don't know, maybe it bothered you.

Well, it doesn't really bother me.

I mean, it would start to bother me if it bothered you bothered you. No, I

just... Okay, wait, I'm getting confused. Look, honey, I just want you

happy.

And I think you might be happier if you lost a little weight, maybe.

Okay.

So you're not upset?

Why would I be upset?

Uh, I don't know.

I just had the most personal experience with Brock that we have ever shared.

Hope the curtains were closed.

So it worked out well? I'm only asking because I played such an important role.

Oh, I know, I know. And I'm sorry about all those jokes about you being a big

lush. Not a problem. I just know it was the curbs talking.

So you're okay with all this? No!

Can any wife be thrilled to find out that her husband thinks she's a baby?

What do you mean? You want to lose weight? Yes.

I suppose so. You know, it's just so hard.

Oh, Barbara Jean, the key to doing anything like this is doing it with the

support of others.

That's right.

There are a ton of groups.

I didn't mean ton.

I meant there are a lot of groups that you can contact. I'll go get the phone

book. Oh, no, no, Mom. She doesn't need the phone book.

She already knows our number.

Barbara Jean, Mom and I are going to do this with you. Meet Jenny and Craig.

Say what?

Oh, come on. You were just saying the other day how you wanted to get rid of a

few unwanted pounds.

The only unwanted pounds I want to get rid of is sitting over there in that

chair.

Mom, don't you think going on a diet will be easier with the help of others?

Oh, I guess.

I always lose my appetite when she's around. Okay.

That's it. We're in.

Oh, Cheyenne, are you serious?

Dead serious. Okay, we are all partners in this. You can call or come over 24

-7.

24.

Say what again?

Oh, my gosh. This is so exciting.

This is so exciting.

Oh, we are going to be together constantly.

You know what? I'm going to go home, and I'm going to program you into the speed

dial on my cell phone. I will talk to you in two minutes.

Did you just give her permission to come over to my house 24 -7, day or night?

Mom, knowing that support is out there is crucial at a time like this. I should

know. That's how I got over my dependence on alcohol.

Alcohol.

Good ideas.

Hey, guys, I just had a great idea.

Matching sweatsuits.

Alcohol.

And a lot of it.

Woo!

Man, that was a great idea. You know, walking to lunch and getting a salad

no dressing and then walking all the way back. You know, woo!

pretty good shape, Barbara Jean. You practically ran the whole way home.

well, I knew there was real food here.

Okay, let's stay positive now. That salad was very filling. Oh, no, no. That

salad was huge, yeah?

Did everyone else get three slices of tangerine in theirs, or was I just

you know? Woo!

Jake, have you had lunch yet? No.

How many times have I told you that candy can ruin your appetite?

Plenty. My problem is I just won't listen.

Jake, you need to learn to not eat candy without permission.

Okay, now hand it over, and I will dispose of it properly. No, no, no, no,

no. Here's my gun. I'll take care of it. Hey, you know what? I have willpower.

Hand it over, Grace. No, give it to me. I know better. I know better. I know

better.

It's mine.

I hate it when you guys die. No, Jake, Jake, Jake.

You know when he runs?

He kind of looks like a little chicken, you know?

Thanks for doing this with me, guys.

I could never succeed without your support.

No problem. We'll see you at dinner time.

Oh, Reba, I can't go home.

There's too much temptation there.

Last night I ate a Cheerio I found in the dryer.

You can do anything with the support of your friends. Now go home, Barbara Jean.

You have our support.

You can stay here as long as you need to, Barbara Jean. Thanks.

That

looks

so good.

It's potpourri.

Is it fresh? No, here, stop, stop.

Okay, here's what we're going to do.

In five minutes, if we show some self -control, we will reward ourselves with

snack. Half a plum and three cashews. Until then, no food talk.

All right.

Hello, ladies. Looking skinny.

So how's the diet going?

It's going great.

We walked three miles for a bowl of lettuce.

Oh, we also had a light, healthy lunch. Really? Yeah.

Because you smell like garlic.

No, my salad had, you know, Italian dressing. Plus there was garlic on the

pizza. Van!

You had pizza?

Mushroom and sauce.

I had a salad, I swear.

You had veal piccata with a side of rotini.

You can taste that? Oh, yeah. What did you have for dessert? All right, cut it

out. Cut it out. Cut it out. Stop this. Stop this.

Wow.

Brock, Van, go brush your teeth and chew a pack of gum.

Here, Van, here, here, here, here, here. Take this. My stomach's starting to

rumble. Oh, honey, I'm really, really proud of you.

You know when he walks away like that?

He kind of looks like an onion blossom.

Come on, guys. This can't be that hard.

What are we?

Desperate, hungry animals?

You're on a diet. So are you.

So is she.

Fine. I'm just going to have ice cream.

It's over on the table.

Okay, look, I just want you to know that this is the first time that I've

cheated on our diet.

I've cheated every night this week.

Hey, guys, I saw the light on and I... Well,

what do we have here?

This is your fault, Cheyenne.

I'm only 24 -7. It doesn't matter.

Well, I came over because I found another Cheerio in the dryer and I

support of my diet buddies.

But, you know, I guess it's okay if you're too cheap because I'm the only

who really needs to lose weight, right?

No, I...

a pound and a half.

I've lost two pounds.

I gained four.

And I'm not cheating.

Oh, no, Barbara Jean.

You've been working out.

Maybe it's muscle. That weighs more than fat.

Shut up before I snap you in two.

All right.

All right.

Let's all calm down here. Shyam, won't you go put the ice cream away?

Okay.

Hey, Barbara Jean, I know this is hard, but in no time at all, those pounds will

just start melting off. Oh, Reuben, no, they won't.

I have tried dieting before, and I've always exercised. And my doctor, he says

I'm healthy as a horse.

Clydesdale.

Well, I think it's time you find yourself a new doctor.

Oh, I'm on an HMO.

You know, why couldn't I have been built like you two?

Hey, Barbara Jean, a lot of people have issues with their bodies.

What do you think it's been three years since I've been to the beach?

Because of your pasty white skin?

No.

Because I don't feel comfortable in a bathing suit anymore.

Yeah, Barbara Jean. I got that galley patch of skin right here on my elbow.

Well, you can't see it now, but... No, it's totally there.

Yeah, I know.

We all talk about it.

You know what, Reba?

I would kill to look like you.

And you know what? I never will.

And all this dieting is doing is just making me miserable.

Well, then stop. Oh, right.

I mean it.

Why be miserable when you don't have to?

Because I want to be beautiful.

You are beautiful. Oh, please, Reba.

I look at the television and the movies and the magazines and none of those

women look like me or anyone else that I know.

Well, except for maybe you two.

You two are the freaks.

Oh, Barbara Jean.

You think I look like I could be in a magazine?

Seriously, like a twig. Okay, Cheyenne. Cheyenne. Come here.

Go put some lotion on your scaly patch.

Barbara Jean, do you think you're funny, interesting, and genuinely a good

person? Yeah.

Well, I do, too.

I'm also kind -hearted and well -meaning. Okay.

I'm good with animals, both live and balloon.

I know how to melt... Cows and goats, and I also know how to milk a squirrel

a pen. Okay, all right, all right.

Let's just say that you have a lot of good traits, okay?

And that should be enough for you to like yourself.

It doesn't matter what anybody else thinks.

Well, Reba, it matters what my husband thinks.

And my husband doesn't think that I'm attractive.

You know, that's why we have nanny...

Okay. I am going to address the issue of yours and Brock's bow -chicka -bow -bow

once.

Then I'm going to go take a shower and we'll never speak of it again.

I don't think it's Brock who doesn't find you attractive.

What do you mean? Okay, yeah, you put on a few pounds.

But it's not like you were tiny when you and Brock got together.

I mean, let's face it. You've always been a handful of woman.

And Brock, God bless him, doesn't keep his hands off of you.

Well, that's true.

You know, this one time we were at the stage fair. Stop.

The change is, I don't think you find yourself attractive.

I think you need to go home, put on something that makes you feel sexy, and

let your husband show you how beautiful you are to him.

Thank you, Reba.

That couldn't have been easy to say.

A lot easier to say than bow chicka bow bow.

And you know what? I am really grateful.

And tomorrow, I'm going to help you with your problem.

I'm going to get a big umbrella and some SPF 120, and you and me, we're going to

the beach.

Oh, Lord, please let it rain.

Oh, it was great.

You know, nothing like a little tan to make a girl feel pretty.

Oh, and when your mom comes in, say nothing.

What are you talking about?

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

You okay?

Barbara Jean was supposed to wipe me up.

Well, I was doing a fan sculpture of you, and it's easier to do if you don't

move.

Well,

thanks to you, I look ridiculous.

Oh, no, you don't.

Oh, look.

You're my little Reba raccoon.

Okay,

that is bad.

Cheyenne, get your... some of your scaly patch lotion.