Original subtitles

What do you guys really think of Reverend Perks?

Smoking hot.

Barbara Jean, he's a man of God.

I got two words for you, Reba.

Thorn birds.

He is kind of cute. Yeah. Hey, when a man's behind the pulpit, I don't think

about those kind of things. But now, if he was a construction worker, I'd be all

over that.

Hey, kids, you got your church clothes on.

Those clothes are for praying, not for playing. Come on.

Run. Run. Come on, baby. Run. Run.

Run. I stuck down.

Van. Hey.

We're back.

How was church?

Fine. How was thinning?

Awesome.

Hey, Elizabeth.

That's a pretty dress.

Yeah, and she only pulled it over her head three times.

Come on, Elizabeth. Let's go get washed up for lunch. Come on, honey.

Come on, children.

Van, we have a problem. I know. The Texans got no running game.

Show them.

Elizabeth drew this picture today at Sunday school. It's her family at

Notice something missing, Van?

Perspective and subtle shading?

You. Van, you're missing.

Well, maybe that orange smudge is supposed to be me. Face it, Cheyenne.

She's not very good.

You shouldn't be sitting and drinking beer on Sunday while your daughter is in

church. You really shouldn't. It's not good. It's not right. It's bad.

Okay.

Okay, how many wives do I have?

Why is everybody bothering me? Mr. H spent the morning drinking beer and

watching football, too.

That Hooters!

Honey, don't you listen to your silly hat -wearing Uncle Van.

Come on, sweetie.

You know Daddy spent the morning doing dental work for the poor.

Just like Jesus would have done if he'd gone to dental school.

Hey!

My roots are planted in the past. All my life is changing fast.

Who I am is who I want to be.

A single mom who works too hard. Who loves her kids and never stops.

With gentle hands and a heart of...

Jake, what's that got to do with the Bible?

Well, if Adam and Eve were the first people on Earth and they had kids, then

did their kids marry?

Uh,

Jake, why don't we leave that question for your Sunday school teacher, okay?

Okay.

But if she didn't know this week, I don't know why she'd know next week.

Let's have some quiet time, okay?

Okay, Van.

Put this on and get in the car.

Are we spicing up our love life?

No.

We're going to church.

On a Wednesday night?

What is this, Christmas Eve?

Van, you said the only reason you weren't going to church was because of

football. Well, there's no game on tonight.

Oh, yes, there is. Classic Sports Channel.

is showing a rerun of Super Bowl VIII.

It's like watching an old Super Bowl all over again.

Man, I wish I could bet on it.

Who's ready for some God?

No, thanks. My God tank is full.

Oh, there's always room for Reverend Yummy Pants.

Explain to them why football is better than church.

Well, I would, Van, but as a matter of fact, I am going to church tonight,

thanks to you.

And Wednesdays are endless hot wings at Hooters.

Hey, I had a bunch of women squawking at me. I needed them to get mad at someone

else.

Yeah, well, I get that.

to go to church. Make him go.

Well, I don't think it's right to force somebody to go if they don't want to go.

Oh, you're wrong, Reba. My daddy used to force my brother to go, and now he's

the most God -fearing church -going person in prison.

I can't believe that you're sticking up for them.

Honey, the Bible teaches us to be tolerant of others.

But that's only for people who think the same way we do.

doesn't want to go and Brock can't go.

Holy water burns.

I agree with Reba, even though she's being mean to me.

You're going, Brock.

I'm your wife now, not Reba.

If you didn't want to be forced to go to church, you should have stayed with

her.

Man, I knew that'd come back to haunt me.

I'll go get the car.

you and I talked about from that moment on, we were going to be good parents.

And part of that is going to church.

Just think of it like we're cops, all right?

Good parent, bad parent.

Dan, do it for Elizabeth.

Oh, please, don't do that to me. You know how I get weak when you bring up

wonderful child? Do it for that sweet, innocent daughter that you love so much

and want to do such a good job parenting. Okay, okay, fine, I'll go.

Really? Yes, I'd rather go to church for an hour than listen to you bark at me

for the next three months.

That is the sweet guy that Elizabeth calls the world's greatest daddy.

Watch your hair.

Daddy's going to church.

Well, praise the Lord for parental guilt.

I gotta tell you, I'm really glad you changed your mind.

Yeah, you're lucky, Van.

For every day you don't go to church, God takes a day off of your life.

I think you're thinking about cigarettes.

But who knows something?

Well, I doubt it. Oh, come on, Van.

It's just a couple of hours and you'll be doing a good thing. Look, I said I'll

go. I don't have to be happy about it.

Van, what is it about going to church that's so bad? You don't want to know.

Yeah, I do.

Well, I don't want to tell you.

Why not?

Because I don't believe in God.

He's just joking.

Is it me?

Or is it getting hotter in here?

Man,

we need to talk. I've already said what I have to say. Good, because when I said

we talk, I meant you listen.

Look, Van, there's two things you can always believe in.

One is God.

And the other thing is, if you ever say anything like that again, I will put you

in the ground.

I knew it. I knew you wouldn't be able to accept this. Of course I can't accept

this. Van, if you don't believe, why do you watch Davy and Goliath every

Saturday morning? Because it's funny.

Especially when he says, Oh, gee, Davy.

will not be joking around about this. This is a God -fearing house, so start

fearing. Mrs. H., you cannot tell me how to think.

They're my thoughts, and I might not have them often, but I know I'm allowed

have them.

We're talking about my soul here, not yours.

Yeah, but your soul lives in my house, and I don't want it to get struck by

lightning.

A minute ago, you were all acceptance and tolerance. You're only tolerant if I

think the same way you do.

You're acting just like Barbara Jean said.

Comparing me to Barbara Jean. Oh, you are tempting fate, buddy.

Reba, I hope you don't mind, but I was just looking through my Bible for a

passage that might help Van, and I think I found it.

Van, if you look here at Matthew 12, verse 3, Jesus says unto his disciples,

What is wrong?

get anybody to believe by hitting them with the Bible? Well, that's how my

did it.

Listen, I'm sorry this upsets everyone, but this is how I feel. Ben, what

happened to you?

You used to believe. You used to pray.

You're right, Mrs. H. I used to pray. I used to pray every day.

And then when I found out about my back problems, I prayed ten times a day. I

asked God, please, please, let me play football.

And if there is a God, then he sucks at his job.

Okay, that does it. Get in the car.

Is this the part where you're going to put me in the ground?

No, this is the part where you're going to go speak to the minister. And if that

doesn't work, then I'm going to put you in the ground. Now get in the car.

It is definitely getting hotter in here. Get in the car.

Okay,

Reba. When we get into the reverend's office, tell me that my hair looks

No, say how smart I am. No, no, no.

Casually mention that I've memorized the whole Bible.

Oh, so nice.

Oh, Mrs. Hart.

Man, barbegine.

Sorry, Bart.

I should really make sure she's okay.

We have a problem we need you to solve.

Uh, the service starts in ten minutes. Well, you better work fast.

Van doesn't believe in God. Go.

Ah, speed converting.

Time me.

Okay, Van, first of all, are you here of your own free will and volition?

If volition means a threat of violence, then yes.

You're free to go.

Thank you, Reverend Yummy Pants.

That's the least of my worries. What does Reverend Yummy Pants mean?

He's lost his way. You've got to do something. I've done everything I can

of, and Barbara Jean even hit him.

Barbara Jean?

She seems so nice.

She sent me a copy of The Thorn Birds.

I think Van really does believe, but he's just going through a crisis right

I think that he's a little bit mad at God because he hadn't been having his

prayers answered.

Well, that sounds like a pretty decent reason.

Not having... Having your prayers answered is a bad reason.

I'm the queen of unanswered prayers. You don't see me giving up on the Lord.

You're the queen of unanswered prayers?

Oh, this is going to be a big blow to my mother.

Would you stop it?

I'm here for guidance. Oh, you're here for guidance.

Now we're talking.

I don't mean for me. I mean for Van. He's the one with the doubts.

Well, it seems to me that the queen of unanswered prayers may have some doubts

of her own about God. Well, I don't. I'm very grateful for everything I have,

and I tell God that every day. Good for you.

But there must be a lot that you're unhappy about. Do you tell God that?

Do you have to have a snippy response to everything?

I'm not trying to be flimpy. It just seems that everybody at some point or

another would have their faith tested.

It's human.

Well, I'm not.

I mean, I've never.

Not just a little?

No, and I don't want to talk about it. I'm here to talk about Van.

A lot of times, people come in here to talk about their friends, but they

want to talk about themselves.

And if that's you, I'm a really good listener.

All I want to do is help Van.

Fair enough.

Mrs. Hart?

People who come to church are only helped if they want to be. So if Van

talk to someone, please let him know my door is always open.

I think that takes care of everything.

So that's it? Goodbye?

That's it.

Thanks for nothing.

You know, you're really ticking me off.

I don't know if you went to seminary school or just took an improv class down

the comedy club.

And your point is?

Yes, I've had my doubts. Happy?

I was a wife and a mother.

Then my husband left me for his pregnant assistant. Then my daughter got

pregnant, too. And then she came and told me that she was going to marry her

teenage boyfriend.

I didn't know.

I knew what my life was.

And then one day it all vanished.

I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. And then one day I just stopped.

Why don't you tell Van this?

Because I'm ashamed that I...

that way.

Reba, calm down. God is a big boy.

He can handle it when people react normally, when life roughs them up a

bit. But I can't tell Van to believe in him and neither can you.

But you can tell him that you know someone who's felt the same way.

Well, Reverend Yummypants.

You're beginning to sound a little bit like a minister.

Well, I do impressions.

Can I ask you one more question?

Of course you can.

Can a brother and a sister marry?

I told Jake to ask you that.

from the minister excusing him from church.

God works in mysterious ways, Cheyenne.

Well, you're going to start going after football season ends, right?

Well, let's just see how preseason hockey goes.

Bye, Elizabeth.

Jake, come on. Let's go to church.

Whoa, Jake, a coach. Wow, you look nice.

Just trying to, uh, spruce it up a bit.

Yeah?

Here, let me help you out with this.

You're not taking the Game Boy to church.

I'm supposed to bring it to the church for the blessing of the Game Boys.

Do you think I make this stuff up?

Okay, but you'll leave it in the car when we get there.

Fine.

But I'm playing it in my head.

Hey, Mrs. H.

Yeah, man.

How did you get that note?

Man, I don't put 20 bucks in the collection plate every Sunday without

a few favors.

But what I mean is why?

Why'd you do it? How come you're not mad at me anymore?

I was never mad at you.

Oh, I guess I assume someone's mad at me when they say they're going to put me

in the ground.

And I'm sorry I don't believe in God.

Man, I don't think you really mean that.

I think you still believe. It's just that you and God aren't talking right

You guys have a relationship that I desperately really want to have with

Jean.

I guess this feeling is something you can't understand.

Well, that's a bet you'd lose, Van, because I've been there.

Come on.

You? Yeah, even the most about person has their doubts.

Not Mel Gibson.

Yes, Van, even Mel Gibson.

But you know what I learned through all this?

I learned that God waits on us.

He waited for me when I was mad at him.

Wow.

What did you ever do to tick her off?

Barbara Jean, hi.

Please, come on in.

Oh, such a gentleman.

Well, Reverend, I just wanted to thank you for all your hard work here at the

church, so I baked you a pie.

Oh, look at that. You cut out little birds in the crust.

What are they, mockingbirds?

Thorn.

Thorn birds.

What can I do for you today?

Well, Reverend, I wanted to talk to you about a friend.

Okay. See, this friend is married and would never do anything to betray her

husband. She also has this best friend, the former wife of said husband, and she

would never do anything to betray her as well. Well, except steal her man, but

that was a long time ago.

Barbara Jean, I, too, have a story that I would like to share.

I have a friend who is a minister.

Really? And this minister is really interested in one of the members of the

congregation.

Really?

But he doesn't know how to go about asking her out.

If she came to see him, do you think that would be a good time to ask her?

you know what? Listen, Mr.

Minister, all right? I know when you say friend, you really mean yourself. And

just because I shamelessly flirt, which I cannot help because I'm a naturally

vivacious and friendly person, does not mean that you can make a pass at me and

in the church, for golly's sake. Barbara Jean. Oh, no, no, no. Your smooth talk

is not going to fly peaches, okay? All right?

Wrong, church boy, wrong as wrong can be. Now, I'm going to take my pie and my

special edition copy of The Thorn Bird, and I'm just going to pretend like this

conversation never happened.

Oh, my goodness.

I can't believe it. Barbara Jean. What?

I was talking about Reba.

Huh.

Of course you were.

You have to say that because I'm taken.

See you Sunday.