Original subtitles

Hey, Jake.

Hey, Mom.

Hey, man, who could have dropped Jake off in the driveway instead of coming

my house?

Yes, I could have, but then I would have missed this. Go on, Jake.

First of all, Mom, I love you.

Jake, did you call your teacher Big Mama again?

Mom, you're so funny.

you think about beauty pageants?

Well, Jake, I think beauty pageants are fine for some people, but you really

ought to stick with soccer.

Oh, stop.

My sides.

We're having a fundraiser at school.

It's a pageant for grandmas. Oh, a grandma pageant. Really?

Oh, little old ladies going up on stage strutting their stuff.

That is hilarious.

Yeah.

Yeah, but that's not the funny part. I signed you up.

Hey!

wear your pageant. Best of all, it's patriotic. Oh, what exactly could that

Red hair, white face, blue hat. You are a fag.

Yeah.

Reva, you've told me a thousand times and I've never listened. You're right.

I should just keep my mouth shut.

I'm just apologizing in advance.

The new fruit in the fruit of the loom?

Brock told me about the pageant. Isn't it exciting?

What are you doing?

Well, you know, I know that Jake felt obligated to ask you, but I just wanted

show him what other options were available.

Yeah, after all, I am a step -grandma. With the brains of a stepladder.

Wow, Barbara Jean.

You look fantastic.

Oh, this?

This was easy. You know, just an old pageant gown, some hairspray and makeup,

and three strategically placed rubber bands.

Oh.

Two. Two rubber bands.

Five.

Yeah, we started with five rubber bands.

Okay. Now, Jake, if you allow me to represent you in the pageant, I have

song options for the talent portion.

Now, first, and a one, and a two.

I'm a Yankee Doodle dandy.

Yankee Doodle do or die.

Now, something more sedate, like this.

a question. Okay.

What's wrong with you?

I meant a pageant question.

What exactly is missing from your life that would make you enter a pageant?

That's a good question, Bob.

I want to be a role model, not just to grandmas, but to all people everywhere.

Hey, now.

To show Compassion for the human race by visiting children's wards, volunteering

at retirement homes, and reading to the eyeless.

You mean to the blind?

No. I mean the eyeless who can see. Okay, gee whiz.

Wow, Barbara Jean.

And you sure didn't know how to tap.

Yeah, but tap dancing to that song was just a little disrespectful.

Now, if you wore a nun's costume, thou, no, you know what?

I hear that's a tough habit to break.

No, you're right, Jake. She would be great. But, you know, you kind of

did ask your mom, and, well, if Barbie Jean's in it, she's going to make my

miserable.

Actually, Brock, as I recall, you picked me first, too.

care if Barbara Jean takes your place? No, she doesn't care. She doesn't care.

You don't care, do you, Reba? Oh, not at all. No, no. Barbara Jean is really

good at these sort of things.

Truly, she's a natural.

So, Jake, you pick whichever one you want, and it won't hurt my feelings at

Well... Pick me, pick me.

I guess I pick Barbara Jean.

Yes! I mean, thank you.

And I hope... I hope I can live up to the confidence and expectations you have

in me.

Okay.

Well, looks like I'm out of the pageant.

So I'm going to go have me some pie.

Mom, what are you doing? You can't let Barbara Jean enter that pageant. Why

Old people need to laugh, too.

Jake wanted you to be in the contest. That's why he came up with the idea.

What are you talking about?

It was his idea for the fundraiser. He told all his buddies that you were going

to win because you're the youngest, coolest grandma.

He did?

Yeah. And he's a hard enough kid to like without them seeing that.

Oh, man.

I didn't know it was so important to him. Of course I'll do it.

Do you have any juggling pins?

Yes, Barbara Jean. They're in the backyard under the big top.

You won't need them, Barbara Jean. I've decided to enter the pageant.

Well, that's okay. You don't have to. Well, I think it's important to Jake

I do it. Well, what I think's important to Jake is that somebody win.

And let's face it, I have a better chance.

Really? And why would you say that?

Well, because I have experience.

I have won four beauty contests already.

Miss Value Mart, Miss Knox County Peony, Miss Tasty Freeze,

and a wet t -shirt contest down in Galveston.

Why is it the stuff that normal people try to forget you brag about?

think of it as you not being in the contest.

Think of it as me saving you from making a fool of yourself.

Do you have a full -length mirror in your house?

Reba, you have a great...

Barbara Jean, I'm entering this pageant because I don't want to disappoint Jake.

But I'm going to whip your butt.

That will be the icing on the cake.

in the pageant.

She got married three times in this thing. It's lucky.

Mom, you're going to be in a beauty pageant. You have to wear something, you

know, flashy, something that catches the eye.

Or turn your head into a flag. I'm telling you.

Look, Mom, I'm sure if we look way in the back of your closet, we can find

something sexy.

Diane, I've had three children. The only thing sexy in my closet is an old

nursing bra.

Hey! Not in front of me.

All right, we'll go shopping tomorrow. But look, have you thought about what

you're going to do for your talent routine?

Yes, I'm going to do a comedy routine.

Oh, merciful God, no.

Look, I've been watching a lot of late -night comics, and it looks easy.

All I need is a little practice, and I can be as funny as they are.

So sit back, shut up, and laugh.

I might want to work on your intro.

So it's great to be here with you tonight.

You know, I'm divorced.

So I'm back in the dating world again.

Dating. Wow.

How many of you here are single tonight?

One, two, three.

So, you know what I'm talking about.

So, New York.

Wow.

How many of you are here from New York?

Cats and dogs sure are different, huh?

You suck!

I'm sorry, Mrs. H, but that's what they do at the clubs.

Mom, no offense, but I really, I don't think stand -up's your thing.

Well, I can't do anything else.

Comedy's all I know.

And I feel overdressed for Vegas.

Mom, you look fabulous.

And considering what you did look like, I'm brilliant.

Okay, I have to go. I found a set of teeth.

Hello, Reba.

Barbara Jean.

I like your speech.

Makes you sound smart.

I'm practicing my elocution.

One more weapon in my arsenal with which to defeat you.

You. You.

I feel like I'm staring into a fish tank.

Hey, I got your stuff, honey.

We, uh, and, uh... Yeah.

Hey, Reba. Hey.

Listen, you two.

I want you to remember something.

This pageant is for the school. It's not a competition between the two of you.

So no matter who wins or loses, the most important thing is don't take it out on

me.

The old Vaseline trick, eh?

You newbies just kill me.

Hope you know if you put too much of that on, your lips get all slippery and

start to slur your words.

Thanks. I can handle this on my own.

Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.

The pageant's going to start soon.

Shouldn't you go change?

Shouldn't you apply some more rubber bands?

Shouldn't you go?

Shouldn't you go?

I'm looking for Grandma Hart.

Oh, that'd be me.

I'm sorry, but we can only have one grandma for each family.

So which of you is going to represent the Hart? Me. That'd be me.

Okay.

Why don't you two work it out, and I'll check back with you. Okay.

There's only going to be one of us. That one of us is going to be me. Oh, well,

I don't think so.

That crown is mine.

I'm Elizabeth's real grandma. You're just a crazy woman who married Grandpa.

in this one.

Why?

How many do you have to win until it's enough?

One.

What? You heard me.

I just want to win one.

Wait a minute.

What about all those other pageants? I thought you were Miss Frozen Meats or

something.

It was Miss Tasty Freeze.

I came in last. I always come in last.

Even at the wet t -shirt contest.

I was supposed to know was a gay bar.

Well, if none of them ever worked out, why the heck did you want to enter

another pageant? Well, I figured I could finally whoop a bunch of old grandmas.

I didn't figure that one of those old grandmas was going to be you.

Who's going to vote for me if you're in the contest?

Barbara Jean. You know, ever since I was a little girl,

wanted to be was a beauty queen.

They were... They were like beautiful queens.

But in real life, they were just small -town girls who worked at the Piggly

Wiggly.

Just like me.

So, do we have a grandma heart yet?

Yes.

It's her.

Good.

Ladies, we'll be following on stage in just a minute.

We've watched you do that?

Because I know how much it means to you.

You'll be great, Barbara Jean.

Thanks.

Oh, excuse me.

Just between us grandmas I am hotter looking and she is right

Feels so good to get out of those high heels.

Oh, tell me about it.

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the reigning queen of the Parker Elementary

School pageant of grandmas, Mrs.

Barbara Jean Hart.

That's the way she's going to enter every room for the next six months.

I'm very happy for you, Barbara Jean.

Oh, honey, can you get me a soda?

What took you guys so long?

We had to stop and buy a tiara. Hey, they should have had one.

Here's your pie, Van. Oh, thanks.

Hey, can you get me a soda?

What am I, your wife?

You okay with it that I didn't get to enter the contest?

Yeah, it was way better that Barbara Jean entered. She was awesome.

Oh. My friends thought it was so cool when your baton lit the curtain on fire.

Those old ladies sure can run, can't they?

Next, the WB's Frantastic Friday continues with a bonus episode of Living

Fran.