Original subtitles

They should have been here 20 minutes ago.

Reba, how do you expect me to sketch you for my art class when you keep walking

around? Now hold still.

Ooh, sultry.

Very romance novel.

I'm going to draw Fabio standing behind you.

Barbara Jean, that can wait. Did Van say how serious his injury is? He just said

it was his back and the team was sending him home. Oh, perfect.

Say... Home again.

Home.

Barbara Jean. Go home!

Okay, thank you, guys. I don't have very much time. Van's on his way in. But

listen, I have to warn you. Do not make fun of his injury.

Why? What is it? He broke his butt.

Well, he actually fractured his tailbone, but let's face it, he broke

Guys, that is not funny. I know. No, no, no. Come on, Reem. It's just that we're

relieved that it's not serious.

Yeah, I know.

Hey, man.

Hey, everybody.

So it was your, um, your back, huh?

Yeah, the back.

Back -ish.

Hey, buddy, why don't you come on and take a seat? No, thanks. I'll just

Oh, honey, don't be silly.

You have to get off your feet.

Seriously, man.

Pull up a donut.

All right, you know what? This is not funny. No, no, no.

You're right, you're right.

Sorry about that.

It

has

a leak.

Man, don't be embarrassed about your butt ring.

the high school volleyball team, I took a ball right to the eye. Just whammo!

You know?

And for the rest of the season, I had to wear these huge bug -eyed goggles that

everyone made fun of.

Would have been nice if someone had mentioned I only had to wear them during

games.

Cheyenne, I want to go back to Denver. Okay, no. No, no, no. Wait.

Vans hurt.

And it's a very tough time.

He deserves to be treated with dignity and respect.

Absolutely. Thank you, Mrs. H. Now, if you all had enough fun, I'm going to go

upstairs and get some rest.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, man.

Who loves her kids and never stops?

me to play soon. The team needs me. Well, don't you have that second stringy

guy? Steve Worley?

Worley don't do what Van do.

Sorry about the wait, folks. No problem.

So, what's up, Doc?

I bet you hear that a lot.

That's since the last time you were here.

Hey, you know, I don't know if it's from the massive dose of x -rays you shot

through me, but my tailbone feels terrific.

Yeah, I'm sorry about all that, Van.

The tailbone looks fine.

But there's something else I needed to get a good look at.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't know if we need to be showing my mother

-in -law my onion.

It's not your onion. It's this. Wow, you can't show that.

That's your spine.

Have you ever heard of spinal stenosis?

It's a narrowing of the spinal canal.

Has anyone ever mentioned this to you before? My spine is getting narrow?

Is that why my pants have been feeling looser?

No.

Stenosis is a fairly common condition.

Most people that have it never even know it. So you're saying it's not a

problem? Usually there's no problem leading a normal active life. There is a

problem, however, if you're in a contact sport.

Like football.

What do you mean?

Well, no team will take the risk.

A player could become paralyzed because of this. They'd be liable.

If they had known about this, there's no way they would have put you on the

team.

Well, then don't tell them.

I have to tell them. They sent you here, Van.

Van?

Who's Van?

My name's Worley. Steve Worley. Now, ladies, if you'll come with me, Mrs.

Worley, Mother Worley.

Went by the park and saw these little tiny kids playing football.

And I thought, children, stop.

Don't fall in love with this sport. Your dreams are just going to get ripped to

shreds like a bunny in a wood chipper.

Actually, you didn't really think it. You kind of yelled it.

Good.

The truth should be yelled. Maybe that's what I'll do with my life now. I'll

just wander around and yell the truth.

but maybe not at little kids because they start to cry.

Hey, look on the bright side.

The doctor said this wouldn't affect your daily life. You still do all the

things that a regular person can do.

Mrs. H., I don't want to be a regular person.

Actually, Dad, I hate to bring this up, but I was hoping I could ask you some

financial questions. We've got to figure out what we're going to do money -wise

now that Van's not going to be working.

Well, I can help.

When your dad was fiddling around with that silly golf career, I got quite good

at stretching a buck.

First of all, winning the Presto dry cleaner invitational wasn't

fiddling around.

Okay, and Van is still under contract. He gets paid for the rest of the year.

Really? Yeah, yeah. So stop worrying, you two.

Yeah, that's right.

Stop worrying.

Everything is just going to be...

Come on, Barbara Jean. Let's see if we can find somebody else for you to cheer

up.

Okay, look, Van, I'm going to go to the pharmacy to pick up your prescriptions

for those anti -inflammatories and those painkillers. Oh, and that topical cream

for your bottom.

How's it going there, buddy?

Oh, never felt better.

Just sitting here trying to decide what kind of cigarettes I'm going to start

smoking.

Look, man, this is a tough situation, and I'm not going to pretend like it

isn't. But it's a mother -in -law's job to point out the good in every

situation. Oh, I thought it was a mother -in -law's job to make butt jokes about

her son -in -law.

We wear many hats.

Okay, here's the good.

You've had a great career. You've got a wonderful family.

And now you get to find something new and exciting to do with the rest of your

life. Football was all I had.

That's what you think today.

You'll find something.

God never closes a door without opening another one.

Yeah. I have to kind of figure out something to start smoking.

The irony will just be magnificent.

No.

Look, you'll get your buyout from the team, and that'll give you some extra

to figure things out. I wasn't going to say this in front of Cheyenne, but

there's not going to be a buyout.

You heard the doctor. This was a pre -existing condition.

So? So, I talked to my agent.

That means the team doesn't owe me anything.

Oh, boy.

Yeah. So much for being hunky -dory.

No football, no money, no life.

What I have to look forward to now is a lifetime of topical creams.

You know who I blame for Van not getting paid?

The lawyers.

Yeah, they run everything.

And they're in bed with the doctors.

Now, the people who should be running things, the dentist, nobody comes

to. But aren't the dentist in bed with the dental hygienist?

So no settlement, no job. Great. My life is turning out perfectly. Pretty soon,

I will have achieved my dream of being the prettiest girl in the homeless

shelter.

Come on, sweetie. You put some money away, and we'll do whatever we can to

out until Van figures out what he's going to do next. Let's just... What is

going to do now?

Ta -da!

Oh, good Lord.

He's become a pimp.

Y 'all wondering what I'm doing in a rich guy's coat? Well, I'll tell you.

I'm a rich guy.

What are you talking about? Talking about being rich, baby.

The team gave me the settlement.

Hold on a second. I thought they were off the hook because it was a pre

-existing condition. That's what their lawyer was saying, but my agent said

didn't find it when I had my first physical.

And then it got kind of dull, and I dozed off.

All I know is when I woke up... I was rich!

I've got to sit down.

So I don't have to pretend that it's all going to work out because it actually

is going to work out? Yes.

And Mrs. H, your support through this was huge.

You were my rock.

Come here.

I also like to publicly apologize to God for calling him fat, mean, and stupid.

How much did you get? Guess.

Van. Wrong.

A hundred grand. Van, don't joke.

I'm not. I got a hundred thousand bucks minus the coat. Whoa.

A hundred grand?

Well, minus the coat.

Van, don't take it off. I have to draw you.

Mr. Gates, you were right. God does not close one door without opening another.

And sometimes behind that other door is a guy holding a check with a one and

four zeros on it.

One and four zeros is 10 ,000.

Uh, five. One and five.

We're rich.

I'm back from, like, homeless to rich in, like, two seconds.

Rich is way better. I know.

I can finally get that boat I've always wanted. You never wanted a boat. I know.

I can finally want a boat.

You guys should travel.

See the world.

Knock it off.

He didn't pick that money off a tree out front.

It's to replace his salary.

This money should be invested.

I'm with Mrs. H.

Investing is the way to go. I just need to decide if I want to invest in

baseball cards or antique swords.

Antique swords.

Invest in something safe.

Baseball cards.

I came into some money once.

And as I was all set to blow it on a pair of diamond earrings, something I'd

wanted since I was a little girl, but I knew it was foolish.

So instead, I used it to secure my future.

You are so wise.

I'm going to draw you as an owl.

With Fabio behind you.

Mom, what did you do with the money?

I put your dad through dental school.

Nobody say nothing!

Hey, Mom, listen.

I love that song.

Yeah.

What's that?

Well, it's a guitar.

I realize it's a guitar, Kira. They did teach us a little something in Moron

School.

I meant, where'd you get it?

Van bought it for me.

Why would he do that?

Well, yesterday I would have said it's because he's an idiot, but today it's

because he's the best brother -in -law on the planet.

Mom, you gotta come upstairs and see the Xbox Van got.

Okay, what's going on?

You can't use it up there. You don't even have a TV in your room.

I do now. I put it right next to my new foosball table.

Don't break it. It's going back.

Yeah, I mean, why would he need an Xbox? You can't write a beautiful song about

your mother on an Xbox.

Like, I love my mommy!

Yeah!

Work on it.

Where's Van?

He's out. Yeah, out of his mind.

Do you know he's out buying stuff like they're going to quit making it? Uh

Hey, Mom, which one of these cars goes better with my eyes?

You're looking at cars?

Yesterday you were practically in tears worrying about not having any money.

Well, yesterday we didn't have any money, but now we do, so I'm not

giddy.

No, no, no. You don't want to be giddy.

Giddy lives next door to Reckless, who shares an apartment with Stupid.

him on the coat, and he just took it off and gave it to me, like a movie.

I hope nobody compliments him on his pants.

He's gonna get a new coat on the way home from By and Brock Golf Club.

That kid is generous to a fault.

Yes, to a fault.

He needs to use that money to live on until he can find a new career.

Mom, there is plenty of money left.

Cheyenne, this is just day one.

All this stuff has to go back.

We need to talk. Okay, but my team's on TV in a few minutes.

Hey, listen to this. Somebody emailed them and said they should all wear a

little sticker with my number on on the back of their helmets.

Okay. It was me.

Hey, where is everybody?

Well, let's see.

Cheyenne is looking at cars.

Kira's up playing her guitar.

Brock's golfing.

Jake's playing his new video games.

And Barbara Jean's walking up down the street in her new coat yelling, check it

out!

Good, because I didn't want them to get jealous that I got you your own pizza.

You got me a pizza? Mm -hmm.

With everything on it.

Van, I can't accept your pizza.

Are you mad because I didn't get you something nicer?

We need to talk.

Well, I'm not talking unless you...

...eat your pizza.

Who will blink first?

Yeah. I got you. You should have seen your face.

You're hilarious when you pout.

Ben, these are completely, oh, gorgeous. Oh.

Well, you said you always wanted diamond earrings.

Now you got them.

I don't know what to say.

Just say what's in your heart, Mrs. H.

God gave you? I think I figured out why you don't get a lot of gifts.

Ben, you can't do this. You can't rip through this money like a bag of sour

cream potato chips. I'm not ripping through it. $50 ,000 goes pretty quick.

It's $100 ,000.

You have to pay a little thing called taxes.

You have to pay taxes on that money.

And it'll be about half.

Half? Yeah.

I thought Bush was looking out for us rich guys.

And what's left after taxes will have to last until you figure out what you're

going to do with the rest of your life.

It's not to blow on a bunch of dumb gifts and one gorgeous pair of earrings.

What's going on?

I don't know. I guess I just like the way it felt when I gave people stuff.

The way they looked at me with that look.

What look?

That look everybody used to give me when I had a good game or got written about

in the paper. You know, like I was a hero.

That look.

And now that I'm not playing football anymore, I'm not going to get that look.

I go back to being dumb old Van.

I think I know a way you can get that hero look without being Diamond Jim

Me too.

Rescue someone from a burning building.

But there are never any fires in this neighborhood.

You want people to look at you like a hero?

Then be a hero.

Do something heroic with your life.

Deal with this tough time that you're going through.

Find your way.

I don't know what's going to happen to me, Mrs. H.

That's okay.

Heroes never do.

Now, here.

Why don't you take these back?

Later. Because right now, I'm going to run up and down the street with Bart and

June.

Check it out!