Original subtitles

You love me, right?

Sounds like a trick question, but yes.

Great. Then pretend I called you a bad name and ground me. Why?

Hey, hey.

Who's ready to go to teddy bears on ice?

I'm going to wash your mouth out with soap, young lady. You're grounded.

I hate you, Mom.

Thanks.

Nice try, Kira.

Where's Jakey? I want to get his picture taken with all the teddy bears.

He must be upstairs saying goodbye to his dignity.

What's the big deal? I'm looking forward to it.

They have Heineken on tap, so... Hey, listen, I thought you said you were

to have Jakey ready to go.

He didn't sleep very well last night, Brock.

He had nightmares.

Any idea why?

Dad let him watch scary movies.

You and the teddy bears started it.

So he's learning how to process fear. It's a good thing.

Well, it might not be the movies that scared him, Dad. It might be because...

Kira.

Because what?

Nothing. Dad's house is haunted.

Wow, how bitter am I about going to this thing?

We just let it go.

Well, the real estate agent told Dad that a former owner died in the house.

didn't die in the house.

He just happened to be home at the time he passed away.

You bought a haunted house?

It's not haunted.

And next to toxic mold, death is one of the best bargaining chips in real

estate.

Now, can we please stop talking about this before Barbara Jean hears?

Fine by me. Making Barbara Jean nuts is only fun when you don't live with her.

I don't live with her.

No, no, Reva, you can't tell her. Oh, why not? Because she might get scared

keep you up at night?

It might help her learn to process fear.

I am not kidding, Reba. She really believes everything.

I mean, ghosts, witches. She even thinks the bag boy down at the grocery store

gave her the evil eye.

I like that kid.

Hey, we're all ready.

I don't want to go.

I sat through your Christmas pageant. You're gone.

Barbara Jean, you'll never believe what I just heard about the people who used

to live in your house. Oh, really? What?

Hey, come on. We better get going if we want to beat the traffic. Come on.

Let's go.

Wow, I've heard of people dying to sell their house, but wow.

Okay, everybody in the car, away from Reba. Oh, Brock, I'm just teasing.

I'm not going to tell Barbara Jean that someone died in your house.

Unless it slipped.

She nailed the drawers shut and hid the knives.

Not that I was looking for one.

Why did you do this?

Ghosts like to open drawers.

So do I.

Since when?

Since your ghostly essence injured my husband's weak vessel. Brock, can you

me?

I am not possessed, Barbara Jean, and there is nothing wrong with this house.

For pity's sake, we've lived here for three months and nothing has happened.

What about all those noises I heard in the garage last week?

Is that what you're worried about, sweetheart?

I have good news.

It was rats.

Well, how about when all my beanie babies ended up in the attic?

That was...

You're right. That was

a little weird. Yeah.

There's no way to answer the door at a haunted house.

You're supposed to go, you rang.

Oh, that's very funny.

Well, I hope you're happy.

You've made Barbara Jean crazy.

Oh, Barbara Jean was born crazy, Brock.

I can't take credit for God's work.

All right, fine. You made your point. I won't let Jake watch any more scary

movies. Now, will you please tell Barbara Jean there are no ghosts in this

house? Won't you tell her?

Oh, she won't listen to me. I still can't convince her that the ghost won't

us just because we're not all in the same room.

Family safety count. One.

Two.

Three.

Please, Reba, talk to her. She'll listen to you.

Oh, hi, Reba.

You are Reba.

Aren't you?

You're rib all right.

Oh, and you can be number four.

Okay.

What number is that lady going to be behind you? What lady?

No.

No lady.

There is no lady. No, because she just went through that wall.

Oh, my gosh. Is it suddenly chillier in here?

that for? I can't help it. It's funny.

Funny? Funny? You think it's funny that I had to spin around ten times last

night before I got into bed? I broke a perfectly good lamp.

It's a little funny.

I can't stay here.

We're going to spend the day at the mall.

Reba.

Yeah, you'll be safer there.

Or you could just hang out at Reba's. Even better.

I'll see you at home, Reba.

Oh, it's a little funny.

And that's when I thought, all the sticks at the base of that tree spelled

the words Barbara Jean, but not in a language anyone's ever seen before.

Oh my gosh, I know that language.

What does that mean?

Go home!

Well, where do you want me to go?

Brock's still at work and Kira's not home from school yet. You certainly

expect me to be alone in a house with a ghost.

You have a ghost?

Oh, yeah.

Someone died there.

That doesn't mean anything.

Where you get this crazy connection between ghost and dead people is beyond

You know what?

I wonder if anyone ever died here.

People died in our house? Oh,

not yet.

Hey, Jake, you want a popsicle? Oh, I ate the last one.

Okay, how about a cookie? Nope, those are gone, too.

Ice cream?

Guilty.

I think the ghost at her house starved to death.

All right, Henry and Elizabeth are finally down for their naps. Oh, you

thanks so much for watching Henry.

I couldn't possibly let a baby spend the night in a haunted house.

I don't believe in ghosts.

I believe in the circle of life.

You

know,

it's great for Elizabeth to have someone her own age to play with. I mean, how

much time can an adult play in peek -a -boo? Tell me about it. Where's

Elizabeth? I don't have to look. I know she's right there. Yeah.

Well, we don't play those kind of games with Henry.

We give him toys that expand his mind.

Henry plays with that?

Uh -huh. Wasn't that a toy for, like, ages five and up? Oh, yeah.

But they just put those ages on the box to make dumb kids' parents feel better.

So what does Elizabeth play with? Mostly her feet. Oh. She can fit five toes in

her mouth.

Anyway, I bet Reba's looking for me by now.

Reba!

We need to get Elizabeth a tutor. Now.

Yeah.

So that's why I didn't become a zookeeper.

Because once a kangaroo decides it doesn't like you, forget it.

So, tell me some of your unfulfilled dreams.

Most of them involve you.

And a train.

Hey. Well, isn't this cozy?

Reba, I've got to thank you.

You know, I would have worried leaving Barbara Jean all alone with that ghost

you told her about.

Luckily, she was over here, safe with you all day long.

Okay, then, I can see you two have had enough fun. Barbara Jean, honey, you can

come home. I found out that our house can't be haunted because the man who

there had a very peaceful passing.

Oh, really?

Yeah, and then his wife, insane with grief, killed herself and their pet dog.

was on her way back to your house. I know. I nipped that one in the bud.

Hey, so it's come down to this.

Barbara Jean, I got you a little something.

Here you go.

Getting rid of the unwanted.

I saw it and thought of you.

What is it?

It's instructions for cleansing your house of evil spirits, but it's not that

easy, though.

It takes two people all night.

Do you really have to have two people?

Yep.

One, two.

Have fun, Bob.

Well, gee, thanks, Reba.

Unfortunately, I'm not going to be home this weekend.

What? He's got a golf trip in Vegas that he can't get out of.

Hey, I only get to play golf twice. The rest of the time, I'm stuck in Vegas.

Kira?

Well, don't look at me. I'm spending the night at Tammy's.

You hate Tammy.

Yeah, but at least she doesn't walk around with a bloody act calling, here's

spot.

Hey, you know what?

Reba bought you the book. I bet she could help you get rid of that ghost.

Oh, Reba, would you?

I just can't live with an evil presence in my house.

Then you shouldn't have married him.

I'm sorry, Barbara Jean, but there's no way I'm going to spend the night at your

house chasing ghosts.

Well, if you won't help me cleanse the house, I guess I'm just going to have to

stay here until Brock gets back.

Oh, that'd be great. Then I could take the later flight home.

I've just got one thing to say to you.

Well, I'll call you when I get to the hotel, which I think is one of those

really loud strips.

I'm not going to get any reading done.

Okay, sweetums.

I love you. I love you more, huggums.

Man, this house is scary.

Okay, Reba.

I'm going to go get this stuff, and then we can get started.

Oh, if this weren't so terrifying, it'd be fun.

Rob, next time you leave me for somebody, make sure she's not a big old

It's too bad we can't all be as brave as you, Reba. Hey, you got a spider in

your hair.

Nice try, bro.

Look out, ghost! Reba's busting a move!

Can we just get this over

with, please?

Okie doke.

We need to perform a seance, contact the lingering spirit, and politely ask him

to leave.

He will then communicate his responses through the supernatural powers of the

Ouija board.

Made by Parker Brothers.

Fun for the whole family, living and dead.

4282 Oak Avenue.

This is Barbara Jean and Reba calling.

Say hello, Reba.

Sup?

If there is an otherworldly presence in this house,

is waiting for you upstairs to go sing your goofy opera version of Twinkle,

Twinkle, Little Star.

Well, singing opera won't make her smarter.

What are you talking about?

I've been reading these child development books, and we've been doing

with Elizabeth.

I don't think so, Van. Oh, yes, we have. We've wasted so much time.

All that time I spent blowing on her stomach. I could have been teaching her

periodic table of elements.

Van, Elizabeth laughs when you blow on her stomach.

Well, there's plenty of time for laughter later when she's a chemist.

Okay, all right. Look, I do not know what you are all worked up about.

I told you, it is completely normal for kids to develop at different rates.

Yeah, but what if she's behind the other kids to begin with? Why would she be

behind? Because of me.

Maybe I'm not the sharpest tool in the chandelier.

You're plenty sharp.

Yeah, right.

I couldn't tie my shoe until I was five years old. Yeah, and your mom told me

why. Because when you put the little rabbit through the rabbit hole, all of a

sudden your shoes would turn into a spaceship or a race car and you'd run

your sock playing this incredibly creative game.

Yeah, those rabbits were kind of hilarious.

You are kind of hilarious.

And inventive.

And smart.

And your daughter is going to be the same way.

I meant to say the sharpest tool in the shed.

I like the way you said it the first time.

I'm going to go check on the kids.

Twinkle, twinkle, little star.

It wasn't a ghost, it was a blown fuse.

Hey, by the way, you got rats in your garage.

What are you doing?

You're not taking this seriously, so the cleansing is off.

I'll just stay somewhere else until Brock gets back.

Where, my house?

You're not my only friend.

I'll stay at... a motel.

Barbara Jean, I was just kidding around.

Well, I'm not laughing.

And the ghost isn't laughing. And if he were laughing, it would sound like...

Ghost, you're brave.

I've seen you either raising that off the sidewalk.

It was a junior mint, and I caught it before it hit the ground.

Besides, what do you know about fear, Miss I'm -not -afraid -of -anything?

Why does everybody say that I'm not afraid of anything?

Because you're not.

You're not afraid of the dark, or thunder, or wearing pink with red hair,

is not wise, but you do it.

Fearless, Reba?

It's not that I'm fearless. It's just that I think believing in ghosts is

Well, you wouldn't think it was so silly if the ghost was after you.

What are you talking about?

If I tell you, you're just going to make fun of me. Barbara Jean, I'm already

making fun of you.

All right.

If you must know, the ghost is after me because I'm a bad person.

What? I stole your husband.

I broke up your family, and now I have a way better house than you do.

So the reason you're afraid of ghosts is because you think they're going to

punish you for what you did?

Yes. Oh, Barbara Jean.

If anybody's going to punish you, it's me.

And I promise you, when I die, I will haunt you.

Every noise you hear, every time you trip, every bad hair day, it'll be me.

Reba, don't try to make me feel better.

It just makes it worse.

Because this horrible thing that I've done, that I can't undo.

Barbara Jean, we're not best friends.

Barbara Jean, things happen for a reason.

Like maybe you're in my life because... Reba?

I needed someone to ruin everything for me.

Well, yeah, I can see how that was helpful. No, no, no. You know what?

was.

I've lived through my biggest fears.

My husband left, Kira moved out, and things seem to be just falling apart.

You know, nothing gets scarier than that.

But because of you, I know that I can deal with anything now.

I wish I had the kind of courage brought on by deep personal tragedy.

Well, you married Brock, that's a start.

So can we call off this whole house -cleansing bit?

Okay.

Hey, Reba, do you want to ask the Ouija board if Brock's been a good boy in

Vegas? Oh, Barbara Jean, you don't think that thing really works, do you?