Original subtitles

We just shape, shape, shape.

And we keep shaping until we get something

that looks like... a bow tie.

Boom. Why, hello, Mr. Bond.

Now you're ready to complete your mission,

even if it's just lookin' sharp

at your buddy's wedding.

Now I can hear some of you screaming at the screen.

Whoa, hang on there, Gideon.

Way too fast. Way too fast.

Okay, I hear you. Stop yelling at me.

Now, I don't want you to be frustrated

because yours didn't turn out perfectly

the first time. I've had

what the... Can I help you?

I'm your chauffeur.

Round-trip car service compliments of the groom.

You sure that's for me?

Should've been mentioned on your invitation.

Mind if I take a peek?

Yeah, sure.

It must be a misprint.

I'll have a talk with our secretary about that.

The car is ready whenever you are.

Yeah, okay. Well, can you...

- Two minutes. Two minutes and then I'll... - Of course.

Okay, thank you.

Lift it up.

Put it through that small hole.

Then we just shape, shape, shape.

Need a hand with that bow tie?

Shaping until we get something that looks like

a bow tie.

Yes, I actually do. That would be great.

I don't want you to be frustrated.

Yeah, I would appreciate that.

I'm a teacher. I should

I should be able to teach myself

how to use a bow tie.

I wanted to wear a clip-on.

No, no, no, no.

The groom wasn't having it.

- This is a nice tux. - Thank you.

What are you, a 41 regular?

- Yeah, I am. - Perfect. Me too.

Not too tight that it's choking you,

unless that's what you're into.

Take that side, throw it over the shoulder.

Why, hello, Mr. Bond.

Now you're ready to complete your mission,

even if it's just lookin' sharp at your buddy's wedding.

Now I can hear some of you screaming at the screen.

Whoa, hang on there, Gideon.

Way too fast. Way too fast.

Okay, I hear you. Stop yelling at me.

I make it look easy. But right now,

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

If your bow tie looks a little messy,

that's part of the charm.

I want you to pause this video right now

and go find a picture... of Winston Churchill.

His bow ties were always a train wreck.

One side is bigger than the other, it's all askew.

Good afternoon, sir.

I just need a invitation and some ID.

Welcome, Mr. Tolocci.

- Are you alright, sir? - Yeah.

Excuse me, what is this? Tastes like balls.

That's the main ingredient.

It's our signature cocktail this evening.

Vodka, botanicals, and ballzilla energy drink.

Isn't that, that mlm that keeps getting sued left and right?

At least two of those lawsuits settled.

But, if you're interested in manifesting abundance

and joining the groom's ballzilla triangle of success,

I can... I'm not. Thank you.

- Thank you. - Sure.

Who are you here for?

The groom.

My god.

Why the hell

are there federal agents staking out the wedding?

And why am I only finding out about this now?

I mean, who do you think I am?

Who the fuck do you think you have hired?

You want a cowboy, go to the ranch,

'cause I am a professional

and when my employer gives me faulty prep,

that makes me walk away.

'Cause that means I'm either being misled

or I'm being led by an idiot.

So, which is it?

Stick with the plan.

Find a patsy to take the fall,

and we'll double your fee to help compensate

for the added risk.

Patsy? Right.

I did not see you there.

That's okay, dad.

That's right.

Yeah, I'll tell her.

Okay. Bye-bye.

I am so sorry. I'm all over the place today.

That's alright.

I'm all over the place every day.

Well, I mean, I would lose my oyster knife

if it wasn't attached to my, my...

You know what? I actually have to get these in the fridge.

I am so sorry.

Hi and bye.

Goodbye.

Patsy, on the half shell.

You look like you could use a drink,

one without ball juice.

But then how am I going to get my daily dose

of radioactive sludge?

I'm kidding. Cheers.

- I'm Alex. - Todd.

Has, has anyone ever called you hot toddy?

Not until today.

There he is!

Mr. Tolocci, fucking legend.

Come here. Get over here.

- Come on. - Hey, get the guys.

- Hey, come here. - Hey, lenape high pic.

This guy!

I can't believe how different you look.

- Yeah, well. - You're...

You... you used to look different.

Well, it's been a few years, Kirby.

Yeah. I-I'm so glad you're here, Mr. T.

I-I still feel bad about that whole...

- Yeah. - Yeah, I didn't even know

a rubber band could do that.

- Well... - They should, they should put

a warning label or some shit

on those packages, you know, if they're that fuckin' dangerous.

Well, they do. It's written on the back. You just gotta read it.

Remember that eye jelly all over your classroom floor.

I remember that.

Dude, that was fucked up.

- Yeah. - Listen to me now,

I'm gonna make it all up to you.

I've got a new product line that's dropping,

ballzilla supplement powders, "powder your ballz."

And I'm gonna get you in on the ground floor.

So no more of that bullshit teacher salary shit, man.

Get ready to start manifesting abundance.

That's awesome, man. I'll see you guys.

Not so fast.

You gotta do the thing.

The thing?

Yeah, the fuckin' hilarious thing

you used to do all the time.

Do it.

- Yeah. - Come on, do it right now.

Fuckin' do it.

Sure.

There's just one more thing.

Right? Just one thing.

I don't even know where that shit is from.

That cracks me the fuck up, dude.

You're a fucking legend, Mr. T.

Fuck you. You're so funny.

Mr. T! Mr. T!

Hey, hey, hey! Hey, what did we say about chanting?

No chanting till after the toast.

No chanting, period.

If you don't get your shit together, I'm gonna...

Love you.

I gotta go do some chick shit.

Mr. T.

I think you need to manifest some new friends.

Yeah.

Hey, asshole!

Dude, these aren't the only two urinals.

You got other options.

You don't have to stand right next to me.

This is why we always used to rag on you, man.

'Cause you are a fuckin' pervo.

Don't look at my dick, dude.

Take your hands off me.

Fuck.

What the hell?

I'm gonna find whoever did this.

This is basically murder.

Do you hear me? Murder?

Where is he? Where does he go?

I don't even understand.

This is my day, mom.

Like, we've have been planning this for fuckin' ages.

You don't get married twice.

I've never gonna wear this dress again.

Where the fuck is he?

No. No, no, no.

The fireworks are for when we leave on the boat. No!

Why is the boat out?

Kirby!

I begged you not to humiliate me in front of my parents!

I even let you pick your stupid fuckin' soda.

Why are you ruining this for me?

- My god! - Do you all see that?

I didn't do it.

Geez.

Oof.

Mickey Rooney school for dogs?

Or something, gosh.

Hey, Fred Astaire, pipe down!

Your dreams are killing my sleeps, you know?

Geez, what now?

Humbug.

Good morning. I brought you breakfast.

Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Alright, hey, nobody, nobody brings a free breakfast

without expecting some kind of a favor.

It's less of a favor and more of an opportunity.

Ho, I see.

You must think I'm some kind of a sucker?

It's pronounced shucker.

What is?

Oingo boingo.

Man, I am sorry for this whole kook-hiss-bang.

I, I'm afraid to say, I think the cuda's on her last legs.

Well, I didn't want to say anything,

but your car sounds like a herd of seals having an orgy.

So, how'd you come up with this whole thing?

Well, after I met that oyster farmer

in my Estonian dance class,

I realized all I need is some ice, a sign,

some fresh oysters, cute old-timey uniforms

and I'm ready to build a thriving

wedding oyster shucking empire.

Well, sadly, I got this hard, uncrossable line

when it comes to old-timey uniforms, so...

We're making seven grand for this.

Gosh, it just became more of a subtle gradation.

Seven grand? Alex, yes.

Oyster shuckers from Estonia!

They're either submerged in the boathouse underwater

or they're in here between 39 and 41 degrees,

this is key.

These oysters make the ultimate sacrifice for us,

and we honor that by making sure

no oyster dies in vain.

No oyster left behind.

This is the oyster shucker's code.

Also, a spoiled batch could literally kill

everyone at this wedding.

Fuck.

Maybe I'll just stick with the lemons.

Thank you for doing this with me.

When I met you,

I was at the lowest point in my life,

but I feel like things are finally turning around.

Aw, shucks.

Is that a oyster pun?

Yeah, oyster pun.

Be careful with that.

- You alright, sir? - Yeah.

Todd tolocci.

Groom's high school English teacher.

- Not a threat. - Roger that.

I still think this is a stupid fuckin' idea.

Agent milligan, teamwork means being open

to any and all ideas.

Agent Clark feels strongly this endeavor's worthwhile.

- I would like you to be supportive. - Ma'am.

I think it's great that you went to sensitivity training,

but I know that you agree with me.

This is bullshit.

Those feelings are, are also valid.

Thank you for sharing them.

Let's just focus on iding everyone entering those gates.

We get in, we film, we congratulate

and we disappear, no surprises.

Better fuckin' not be.

Alright. These are from well fleet harbor.

They're very silky.

Newfoundlands, they're nuttier.

And these are long island blue points,

they're salty and meaty.

- You got it? - Aye-aye.

Hey.

Hey, these are... What do you call it?

Deep water horizon. They got a nice oily texture.

No thank you.

Oyster? Okay.

I hope the shrimps are doing better

than the oysters, yeah.

Wow. Gosh.

Imagine that, using your own wedding

to just shill some pyramid scheme.

No, it's, it's not a pyramid scheme.

It's a triangular selling system,

which is totally legal in 32 states.

Euclidean. Oyster?

Yeah. Don't mind if I do.

Well, thank you.

Oyster? Oysters.

Oyster?

- Thank you. - Sure.

Fucking thing.

Oysters over here?

Emotional day?

Yeah, me too. I always get a little weepy at these.

I see,

you're listing a little to starboard there, chief.

- Yeah? - Yes, weird.

Shouldn't these be shucked to order?

How long have they just been sitting on ice?

I don't know. Is that protocol?

Well, you see my partner, she doesn't even trust me with the oyster knife.

Thinks I'm gonna hurt myself.

Well, in the wrong hands, they can be very dangerous.

Is that how you got that?

This? No, this happened in my garden.

Bullshit.

I'm so sorry. You see, I got this thing...

We invite our guests

to make their way out to the lawn.

The ceremony is about to begin.

If you'll excuse me.

Okey-doke.

Alright. Oyster?

You really think it's a pyramid scheme?

I don't know, man.

Look, if it's working out for you, who am I to judge?

I spent 46,000 in upfront costs

and so far I've made 345 back.

- Thousand? - No.

I don't want to see that shit, man.

Kirby, come on, hear me out.

Luca?

Tell her I didn't invite her,

'cause I don't want her in my life.

I'm doing fine without her.

You tell her I am crushing without her.

Now leave me the fuck alone!

Hey, Luca.

No.

My thoughts exactly.

Geez, what the fuck, man? What are you doing here?

- I am not here. - I see.

Am I talking to some kind of, an abba,

a Tupac hologram situation here?

Stop it? No, stop it.

I'm me, but I'm undercover.

Okay, 'cause I was gonna say, holy shit,

that's some very impressive technology you got going at the FBI.

Really? What, are you busting up this ballzilla scam?

Yes. That is exactly what I'm doing.

Bullshit.

I'll never get used to that.

This is not what I need right now.

Of course.

Because you and me, same time, same place,

usually some bad shit goes down.

Well that, and it's gonna set back

my therapy by several months.

Been working on my impostor syndrome

since I keep getting promoted because of... Well, you.

Gosh, I'm sorry.

Or... congratulations?

Look, do your thing.

I'm gonna stay out of your way, alright.

- It's, not a problem. - No

- just give me... - God.

- Is that hasp? - Yes.

"There in spirit...

Love, mom."

You're not getting involved, Charlie.

Wait, wait, wait.

So is the groom hasp's son?

Shh, keep your voice down.

But, yes, hasp made it a condition of her testimony

that she gets to watch the wedding on live stream.

She hasn't seen him since he was born.

I guess she wanted to get some kind of closure,

but he did not take it well.

No, I saw that shit.

Fuck, man, she's gonna be heartbroken.

Let me worry about hasp.

You enjoy whatever it is you're doing

in your old-timey uniform.

Good to see you. Goodbye.

Ballzilla and vodka?

Not a good time right now. Thank you.

It's mostly vodka.

It's really weird.

I know your mom.

Actually, she spent a long time trying to kill me.

Don't worry, we kinda worked it out.

Well, I'm glad that worked out for you, but...

This woman... Doesn't give a fuck about me.

She abandoned me when I was this tiny pussy-ass baby.

And now she knows I'm getting married,

but she doesn't come in person.

She sends this fucking dweeb to do a live stream.

And I'm supposed to be what? Grateful?

You see, she's the kind of person

where everyone she gets close to

winds up either murdered, maimed, or arrested.

And when you're that kind of person,

well, the most loving thing you can do for someone

is to stay as far away from them as possible

no matter how painful.

So, if she's reaching out to you from WITSEC

through that FBI dweeb,

that means, like, she must have called in

a million favors, you know,

risked her life just to see you again.

Just to get that picture to you.

It is hard not to think of all the things

we could've done together.

With her whole criminal network,

can you imagine the fuck ton of ballzilla we could have moved.

Think of the bank.

You really are your mother's son?

It'll be okay, kid.

Wait, the woman you told me about

with the, the rat-mole thing, rasp?

She's here?

First of all, it's hasp

and, no, she's in witness protection.

Also, nobody knows where.

Well, she, she wanted to kill you,

and she is like some kind of gangster, right?

Well, yeah, but, you know, well, we're kinda cool now.

No big deal.

She recently asked me to follow her finsta account.

Not bragging, it's just a fact.

I didn't do it. It seemed kinda weird.

She only posts these, like, baking photos.

It would totally fuck up my algo.

Ma'am, how many of those have you had?

I'm trying to get loosened up.

There's this really hot guy

who says he is gonna shuck my shell

- and slurp me down raw. - Whoa, whoa.

Are you about to go full oyster?

Okay, you do you.

Boss, might I go have a little cigarette break?

Didn't you just go for a break?

It's a funny story.

So that was like a drinking break,

but this is gonna be more a vape.

- Okay. - I might, I might do a little drinking.

Full slurp?

- Gentlemen. - Hey!

Amateur hour.

Let's get out of here, Alex.

Hey, what happened to no oyster left behind?

No, no. This is not the plan!

Fireworks are for when we leave on the boat! No!

I begged you not to humiliate me

in front of my parents!

I even let you pick your stupid fuckin' soda.

Why are you ruining this for me?

I didn't do it! I didn't do it!

That's true.

Hasp's son is dead.

Murder suspect is on the loose.

She was alone on a boat holding an oyster knife,

covered in blood, standing over a body

that had been stabbed to death with an oyster knife.

Yes, yes, I know it sounds crazy,

but she's telling the truth, okay.

- She didn't do it. - I want to believe you.

But what about everyone else?

What about beatrix?

Even in WITSEC, she still has powerful connections.

So, what are you saying?

The best thing for your friend

is if we find her before the mob does.

So if I bring Alex in,

you guarantee that you can keep her safe?

Yes.

Okay, I'll help you.

Thank you, Charlie.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah. Have we called her back?

Yeah, yeah.

We can't guarantee that girl's safety.

I mean, every gangster from North America's

going to be looking for her.

I know that, but we need to bring her in anyway,

no matter the risk.

You were lying.

Smart. You fooled me.

Thank you.

Okay.

Shit!

All units, be on the lookout

for a Caucasian woman, mid 30s, with red hair

dressed like steamboat Willie.

Last known location, banquet hall.

Fuck.

Really?

Okay, manifest, Alex. Manifest.

Jesus.

Manifest?

What the...

God, maybe this shit really does work.

I didn't do it! I didn't kill him. I could never.

I know, honey. But really, it really does look like you did do it, so.

The groom was already dead when I went in the boat house.

It was horrible.

And then, I guess I must've passed out

because next thing I remember,

I wake up with a bloody knife in my hand.

Okay, okay. I know that you're telling the truth.

But look, you got several mob conglomerates,

the entire FBI convinced you did kill him,

so I'm kind of outranked here.

And anyway, if you didn't kill him, who did?

Wait, I think I know how we get out of here.

Guess what else they keep in the boathouse.

- Boats. - Yes!

Okay, so if only we just had

some way of sneaking out without being spotted.

I can't believe you dragged us

into this stupid fuckin' boondoggle.

You know what, Annie, you want to be helpful? Go check our deep sources.

I want to know if there's any chatter about the killing.

Chatter, why would there be chatter

about some random oyster shucker?

Almost everything tells me the oyster shucker did it, but one thing doesn't

and I've kind of learned to listen to her.

- Go now! - Okay. Okay.

Go check on some fuckin' oysters!

Fuck.

Don't take it personally.

Wendy filed for divorce last week.

That's a shame.

Yeah.

That said, you did kinda blow it on this one.

Well, thanks, radquist.

Aw, jeez.

- Ay, caramba. - We made it.

- In there. We'll take that canoe. - Fuck.

Do you even know how to drive that thing?

They practically drive themselves.

I'm not sure that's true.

Shit, the two drunk guys.

So one of them was the groom

and the other, he must have been the killer.

One of the groomsmen did it?

I spy a fake eye. Yes, I do.

- Hot toddy. - Who?

The hot guy with the eye.

Well, someone pretending to be hot toddy.

You know, in order to sneak into the wedding undetected.

That's very elaborate.

Indeed. Clearly a professional.

For fuck's sake, Charlie.

- Charlie! - What?

This is ridiculous.

Can you please just turn yourselves in

so I don't have to get my shoes wet?

Look, there's a professional hitman here.

He killed the groom and then he set up Alex,

and now she's a loose end.

If what you're saying is true,

we can find out who the assassin is.

- We can protect her. - Ho ho, bullshit.

We can at least try to protect her!

Word is already out to the five families about hasp's son.

There are goons mobilizing coast to coast.

They all think when hasp testifies,

she'll go easy on whoever whacks her son's killer.

Who... what are you going to do? Canoe your way to safety?

You can't... shit.

I trusted you.

Row, Alex, row!

Row the little boat.

Fuck!

Fuck. Fuck!

Go!

Manifest, baby!

Shit!

Sorry, ma'am, I take full responsibility.

Yeah, you'll take full responsibility.

You are one fuckin' sorry excuse for a federal agent.

How did a fuckin' pinhead baby like you

even get promoted in the first place?

I'm so sick of this sensitivity shit.

It is good to have you back, ma'am.

Really?

I just wanted to make $7,000 shucking oysters

so I could finally make a dent in my student loans.

And, you know, I've never even seen a dead body before.

And now I'm being chased by the FBI.

I'm being hunted by a hitman and a whole mafia.

Several mafias, actually.

It's a... well, it's kind of a national consortium of

how am I going to get out of this?

I don't know, I'm thinking, you know?

I'm dead. I'm a dead woman walking.

Well, I mean, there is one person,

one person who knows how to deal with the mafia,

the FBI, and professional killers.

Who?

Beatrix hasp.

The mob boss?

- Yes. - Who tried to kill you.

- Okay. - Who is also

the mother of the man I supposedly killed.

I wouldn't really lead with that.

Am I supposed to go up to her and say,

"hi, you probably saw a video of me

"covered in your son's blood.

Would you mind helping me out?"

Yes, yes, I don't know.

I mean, like, look, there's, there's exactly one person

in the whole world who beatrix trusts, okay.

And you happened to have picked her as your shucking partner, so...

Why would she trust you?

Well, I mean, she knows about my whole lie detector thing.

She's seen it work under some pretty extreme circumstances,

and I guess I think that, well, yeah,

she'd want to find the real killer

more than she'd want to see you whacked.

Okay. Okay, how, how do we find her?

We can't. Well, nobody can.

She's in witness protection, so, shit.

Do you have any form of contact with her at all?

- No. - Think!

Her finsta.

God, it really is nothing but baked goods.

Wait, can you send her a message?

Yeah. No.

What? I'm her only follower. She doesn't follow me back?

- What the fuck, be a? - How do we find this lady?

All we have to go on are cookie photos.

Well, cookie photos and, everything in the background.

Look, that's a junk mail, a political flyer.

I mean, even witness protection can't get you away from that.

Can you read anything on it?

Well, it's, just the top line of the address,

42 ashford place.

Yeah, that doesn't really narrow it down.

This is a nightmare.

Yeah. We need, we need a, we need a city.

There's nothing else on the flyer?

Well, just... wait.

- Ha! - S-Search it. Image search it!

- Reverse image search it. - Yes, yes. I'm on it.

Greenville, Indiana.

It's a 10-hour drive.

Jesus Christ, look at this.

Look at this. Half of my feed is already baking videos.

Okay, fuck this. Let's roll.

Okay, so I checked our deep cover sources,

even though I thought it was fuckin' stupid.

And actually,

there has been chatter about an assassin on this job.

Chatter? What chatter?

Just one word.

I don't know what it means.

Iguana.

Iguana? Are you sure?

Yes, ma'am. What's... iguana?

Well, iguana is the code name

of the most dangerous, deadly hitman in the world.

A total ghost. No photos. No information.

This is the first confirmation we have that he's even a he.

Able to strike anywhere...

Get to anyone, and leave zero trace.

But iguana is a made-up story

that FBI agents tell new recruits

to give them nightmares.

If someone hired the iguana, this was not about killing

a multi-level marketing energy drink entrepreneur.

And if Charlie and Alex are still alive...

It's because the iguana wants them that way.

Charlie Cale is leading the iguana

straight to beatrix hasp...

And it's going to be a blood bath.