Original subtitles

We can talk about our hopes and

dreams and aspirations. I hate that.

George, is there anything you do like?

Well, since they turned my country club into a bird sanctuary, I've been looking

for a good poker game.

What do you say?

What channel is Mitchell Wrestling?

Hello, Kevin.

Hi, Mr. Belder. How's life treating you?

Not so hot. I had to take this stupid humanities requirement. The only course

left open is India, the subcontinent.

1830 to the present.

But, Kevin, India is such a fascinating culture.

I should know. I live there.

Oh, yeah? Well, this is so fascinating.

What are you doing in Beaver Falls?

Do you realize how much our language owes to India?

While wearing my calico pajamas, I stepped onto the veranda of my

bungalow to watch the sun setting over the jungle.

What'd you do then? Make a pass at an elephant?

It's on the China, never matter for who cares.

When you drop, kick the jacket. As you came through the door, no one bled. But

sometimes things get turned around and no one's spared.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that we can.

According to our new arrival, life is more than mere survival.

We just might live the good life yet.

So,

you hear anything about this Dr. Nahub?

Oh, yeah. They call him the terror in the turban.

My roommate took his class. Right before the midterm, she had a nervous

breakdown, and now she's a moonie.

That's not Dr. Nahoo.

Not unless he had a sex change.

I'm Professor Anne Mary Burns.

Dr. Nahoo won't be returning this semester.

While on vacation near Calcutta, he was involved in a minor bus plunge.

So, for the next five months, I guess you're stuck with me.

All right!

I mean, I love India.

While wearing my calico pajamas, I walked to the veranda of my bungalow to

the sun set over the jungle.

Okay, now if three of a kind beat two pair, what do three pair beat?

You can't have three pairs, you dummy. You only get five.

That's a long time ago when I played strip poker with Billy Hudson.

I won. I won.

Okay, okay. Let's make this more interesting.

Deuces, red sevens, and one -eyed jacks are wild. And if you get the joker, you

win a cupcake.

Yeah. Okay.

Only a woman would play that way, Marsh. This is a man's game. You've got to

learn to play like a man.

Fine. I'll scratch my stomach and belch.

Hey, who wants cards?

Kitten? I don't care.

He wants to know how many.

It's none of his business.

He's the dealer. You have to tell him.

Hey, will you guys knock it off?

Okay, okay. I'll take three.

That's more like it.

Look, the important thing is we're a family. We should be glad to have this

together.

I'm out of here.

will cover the role of the goddess in Indian tradition.

All right, I've graded your papers and you can pick them up from Giselle on the

way out.

Mr.

Owens, are you all right?

Huh? Don't you want to pick up your paper?

What paper?

The one you got an A on.

I did?

Yes. Your essay demonstrated solid research, originality, and a genuine

for the hungry of India.

Yeah, well, speaking of being hungry, are you doing anything for lunch? What?

Or maybe dinner.

Mr. Owens, are you asking me out?

Well, yeah. I thought maybe we could talk about hunger over dinner.

Well, I suppose if it's an academic discussion, dinner wouldn't hurt.

We could be mature about this.

Of course we can.

I'll see you tonight.

Do you guys realize we've been at this for three hours?

Come on, George. We're just getting warmed up.

Okay, Heather, I'll see your five toothpicks and raise you a bottle cap.

And I will see your bottle cap and raise you a turkey baster.

Question. What's it called when you have five cards in a row all in the same

suit?

A straight flush.

That does me in. Me too.

Wow. And all I have is a pair of fours.

Well, what about the straight flush?

Well, how am I going to learn if I don't ask questions?

I like this place, Kevin.

It reminds me of a little cafe in New Delhi.

Have you been here before?

Oh, sure. I come here all the time.

Oh. Then what do you recommend?

Uh,

the number one looks good.

Hey there, Sahib.

Listen, can we get some silverware, please?

If you'd like.

Well, sure we'd like.

I mean, what are we supposed to do? Eat with our hands?

We are?

will be provided.

A beach towel, if you need it.

I adore Indian bread and chutney.

Mmm, you can really taste the ginger root.

Hey, easy, Kevin. It's quite spicy.

Hey, you're talking to the chili dog king of Beaver Falls.

So, how long did you live in India, anyway?

Most of my life. My parents moved there from England when my father got a

position at the university.

I was only six.

I remember what a wondrous sight it was.

The ladies in their colorful scarves, the exotic music, the mystical

the smell of incense.

Kevin! I'm dying! I'm dying!

I'm not choking him on fire!

I don't think the chutney agreed with him. Chutney? Oh, Kevin, this is full of

red pepper. Quick, get some coconut milk.

I also need some Bundireta and some Chana Bharti. Here, drink this.

Slowly, there's a good lad.

I'm Mr. Belvedere, his housekeeper.

Anne Burns, his professor.

Here, try these.

They'll help neutralize the spice.

Mr. Belvedere, where'd you come from?

I always eat here on Sabu's birthday.

Feeling better?

Yeah, I think so.

Look, Anne...

I'll be right back. I'm going to go suck some ice.

Charming lad, isn't he?

He's certainly animated.

I haven't seen such a reaction since Nehru and I faced off in a vindaloo

contest.

His face turned beet red and I could swear that steam came out of his ears.

You ate vindaloo with Nehru?

We hung out together at Mohanda's. Mohanda?

As in Mohandas Gandhi?

I was his housekeeper.

That was a busy time.

That was before wash -and -wear sheets.

I did my doctoral dissertation on Gandhi at Oxford.

Oh, really?

I was at Oxford, too.

It really is a small world.

Well, I'm back.

Thanks, Mr. Belvedere. Oh, don't mention it.

Oh, well, I'll leave you to it.

It's been a pleasure.

What an interesting man.

Oh, yeah, he's okay.

So, this Vindaloo looks good.

Full house.

Read them and weep.

Hey, big guy. Want to join in? Thanks.

I have a life.

Hey, everybody.

Look what I bought.

poker chips.

All right.

Now we can play for real money.

The reds are worth five bucks, the whites are ten, and the blues are twenty

-five. Oh, boy.

Uh, kids, I don't think we should play for those kinds of sticks.

But I'm tired of playing for toothpicks and cookies. I want to play for

something that means something.

Hey, I have an idea. Let's play for the family vacation.

What are you talking about?

Every year we all want to go to different places. We argue and end up

Dad wants.

And what's wrong with that cabin up on Lake Kitchiku?

It's ten feet from the highway.

And there's no John.

And we all have to sleep in the same bed.

Okay, this year we won't take Belvedere.

Not good enough.

Boy, you are taking me to the Bahamas.

Deal, Buster.

Oh, hi, Miss Belvedere.

Listen, I wanted to thank you for helping me out last night. You know, Ann

thought you were a real hero. In fact, she couldn't stop talking about you.

I am a conversation beast.

And you're classy.

And frankly, having a housekeeper like you only makes me look more

and debonair.

Yes, like living with Fred Astaire.

Well, anyway, it's really nice to know you're always there for me.

I have only your best interests at heart.

Hello, Lynn.

Ready for the opera?

Yes.

So a reporter said to Gandhi, Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western

civilization?

And Gandhi said, I think it's a good idea.

It amazes me that a man of such great cause had such a great sense of humor.

I used to write some of his best jokes.

Did you care to come in?

Well, for a moment.

I really have had a lovely time, Lin.

Well, you've been such a lovely companion.

May I offer you a nightcap?

Oh, I don't think so. I do have to drive.

Oh, I didn't mean alcohol. I was going to offer you a cup of tea.

I don't know. It is getting rather late.

And I have some ho -hos to go with it. Now you're talking.

So, have a nice time?

Kevin, are you all right? Oh, sure. I do this stuff all the time.

So, how was the opera?

My, Kevin, I didn't expect to see you here.

Well, I didn't expect to see Anne here either.

I really have to be leaving. I'll see you in class tomorrow, Ked.

Sure.

Well, thanks again, Lynn.

What

was that

all about?

Oh,

it's simply Hindi to see you later, alligator.

Oh, really?

Oh,

come now, Kevin, don't give me that look.

We were just two alumni out for an evening.

You were the one that was spying on me.

Me? Spying?

I wasn't spying.

What do I have to spy about? Exactly.

Ann had a free ticket to the opera, and I had a free evening.

All right. As long as you understand you were just a fill -in, a second choice,

a poor substitute.

Oh, I understand.

But I'm not sure that Ann would agree.

As you can see, Indian movies tend to musicalize their subjects.

This is from the Indian remake of The Nutty Professor.

Well, until tomorrow.

Kevin,

is everything all

right? Sure.

I mean, no.

I'm just a little confused about your date last night with Mr. Belvedere.

It wasn't a date.

We just had dinner and saw an opera.

In America, we call that a date.

Besides, I thought you and me had something going.

And I thought we'd agreed it was just going to be an academic discussion over

dinner. Okay, how about if we do something just for fun? We can go see an

movie, like Passage to India or Indiana Jones.

Ah, in Britain, we call that a date.

Works for me.

I'll pick you up at seven.

Aces up sevens. Three ladies.

Drew the deuce to the low end straight. Tough cookies.

Wesley, you chiseled. You had that deuce up your sleeves.

Ah, stop whining, bluff breath.

Hey, what's going on? I thought the game was over. Not now, George.

But Wes won.

I mean, he's making us take a two -week tour of federal prisons.

Great. Now we're playing for the station wagon.

Yeah, I already bagged the VCR.

Well, don't you guys want to go to the zoo or something? I mean, get out of the

house. Boring.

Your deal's flicking. Keep both hands on the table.

George, don't stand there like a schmower. You went around.

Listen, I'm sorry again about old Calcutta. I really did think it was

India. That's okay. It was very revealing.

Anyway, it's nice for a change not to talk about India.

Well, this is it.

My. What interesting decor.

Yeah, authentic early American garage sale.

Well, this is my gumball machine.

And these are my drums.

This is my spiral staircase.

This is Mr. Belvedere.

Mr. Belvedere. Hello, Kevin.

Since you just finished dinner, I thought you might need a clean shirt.

Hello, Ann.

Lynn. You really didn't have to do this.

And I mean it.

Perhaps I should go. Oh, no, don't go. I've made you. I mean...

Kevin, a little snack.

Some bundi laddu.

Bundi laddu?

Bundi laddu?

Yes. Delicious almond and raisin puffs.

I'm allergic to raisins. And you knew that.

Oops.

Excuse me. This is all a little strange.

I'll see you in class tomorrow, Kevin. You too, Lynn.

What are you talking about?

Oh, Anne has asked me to lecture your class on my life in India.

Didn't I tell you?

I guess you were too busy making bundi ladu.

Come on, Ian. We'll walk you to your car.

But what am I going to do with all this?

Guess.

Well, class, today we have a special guest.

Snorch. Vin Belvedere has lived Indian history.

As a young man, he was confidant to Gandhi and Nehru.

Yeah, he told Nehru his jacket would be a big hit.

With no further ado...

I hope.

I give you Lynn Belvedere.

Thank you, Professor Bent.

I'd like to begin by relating a famous Indian fable about a mongoose and a

python.

So when India declared independence from Britain, it was the beginning of a new

era of democracy.

Thank you.

Thank you, Lynn.

I'd now like to open the session to questions. Anyone?

Yes. What was the major reason the subcontinent divided into India and

Well, religious hostilities made it necessary to divide the country to

further civil disturbances.

Do you have something to add, Mr. Owens?

Yeah. You say you were Gandhi's housekeeper. Well, why was he always

It was his way.

You sure it wasn't your cooking?

Looks like our time is up. Just when it was getting good.

Thank you, Mr. Owens and Mr.

Belvedere, for your uplifting debate.

Well, I trust you two are proud of yourselves.

I want you to stop acting like little children.

He started it. I certainly did not. Did you?

I guess this is as much my fault as anybody's. I suppose it was just a

time before this happened.

And the only solution is?

But I won't see you.

Oh?

Lynn, I think you're brilliant, wise, and every bit a gentleman.

And I'll always treasure the time we spent together.

Kevin, you're young and vigorous and adorable.

And I will see you again.

Great. In class, as a student.

Is this seat taken?

No. I had reservations with a lady, but I fear she had greater reservations

about me.

Mind if I join you? Why not?

Kevin, it was foolish of me not to have taken your feelings into consideration

in this matter.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, and I'm sorry about the way I've been acting.

Women kind of make me crazy.

Well, at least we had something in common for a while.

How frightening.

Why don't you let me buy you dinner?

Oh, it's you.

What can I serve you, sir?

What do you recommend?

How about a burger and fries?

Sure.

Shoot. I'll fold, though.

Diamond stud and flush jack high.

Yes. Come to mama.

Here, I got out of...

Fingers? Hey, nice looking broad.

Hey, can't you make me a sandwich?

What?

Okay, suckers, name your poison.

Anaconda. Spit in the ocean. Chicago, high speed in the hall.

Sounds good, sister.

George, I don't like this. This is my living room.

Ah, it makes a better poker parlor.

And, uh, guys like these are always looking for a place that won't get

Kids love Zeke and Fingers.

Hey, I'm going to get a brewski.

And what about you kids?

Oh, sure. And one for the pig.

All right.

Hey, if you look at my cards, you're going to sleep with the fishes, cabiche?

Hey, you, freeze.

I want you and this Zeke person out of my house now.

Hey, look, you don't get excited. It's just a friendly game. Oh, the hell it

Out. And what about my sandwich?

a full boat.

Yeah, we'll sail it into the sunset.

George,

what in the world got into you?

What in the world got into you?

I start a friendly little family game, and the next thing you know, I'm living

with the Cincinnati Kitten or Kittens.

You set this all up, didn't you?

Well... You thought we were going too far, so you did this just to make a

Well, now you...

And I didn't even need Belvedere to do it.

Pretty sneaky, Dad.

I'm impressed.

Come on, kids, let's clean this up.

This is the bite squad.

We got your house surrounded.

Come on, get your hands up.

You're a little late, big guy.

It's a nice try.

Thank you, George.

Incidentally, two men in bad suits are stealing your car.

Mr.

Belvedere, We'll be right back.

The Owens foray into family gamesmanship has left them exhausted, and they've

happily retreated to the security of television.

My competition with Kevin proved just as disastrous as one could have predicted.

I'm not going to prolong the point, but I'm sure Anne liked me better.

Perhaps we'll meet in the next life, and I'll find out.

If there's any justice...

Kevin will come back as a duck.