Original subtitles

I took these lights down myself last year, and I wound them up real neat.

Now look at them. Why do they do this?

Maybe it's their mating season.

Now there's a guy who really lights up a room. Oh, come on, lass. Cut it out.

I don't know, honey. You look very festive.

Yeah, I mean, you wear your golf pants in public. What's the difference?

Hi. Remember me?

One of those happy guys.

Helping others happily.

That's our motto.

Merry Christmas, Carl. Come on in.

No, no, never mind. I'll come back later when you're through trimming your

husband. No, that's okay.

Well, as you know, it's at this time of year that we have the Happy Guys annual

benefit for the Home for Not -So -Happy Kids.

Oh, sure.

Here you go.

No, that's all right, George.

It's not your money we want. It's you.

I'm out of here. Wait a minute, George.

Carl, what is it exactly you want George to do? Well, we were hoping you'd all

participate in the Happy Guys' annual Christmas pageant. This year we're doing

Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol.

Did you ever hear of it?

Well, sure.

That's the one with the Grinch, right?

You know, the holidays are so hectic for us.

Fine. Fine.

When I have to close down the home for not -so -happy kids, I'll just tell all

those hollow -eyed little waifs that the Owens were too busy to help out.

Be there for the auditions. Ah, gee, thanks.

But we still have to find somebody who can play Scrooge.

Wesley, you little snipe.

I spent six weeks making miniature fruitcakes.

And you've used them as hockey pucks.

Hey, lighten up. It's Christmas.

There's no Christmas for nasty boys.

I think we found our Scrooge.

on the china never matters boy who cares when you drop kick the jacket

as you came through the door no one's there but sometimes when you get turned

around and no one's there all hands look out below

there's a change in the status all gonna need all the help that you

can get

According to our new arrival, life is more than mere survival.

We just might live the good life yet.

And only on Christmas Day would I drink a toast to

such an odious, stingy, unfeeling myth.

or what?

Uh, I'll get back to you.

What do you mean you'll get back to me? I'm your wife.

Yeah, I know.

All right, uh, next audition, uh, Marsha?

Play Scrooge's fiancée.

But I only said two words.

Yes, but you said them beautifully.

You'll also play Scrooge's sister.

Thank you.

That was easy.

All right, everybody, listen up. The cast for A Christmas Carol is as

Scrooge will be Lynn Belvedere.

Bob Cratchit, Kevin Owens. Mrs.

Cratchit, Heather Owens.

Tiny Tim, Wesley Owens.

And I,

for one, am an unhappy gal.

And if these gals aren't happy today, we aren't going to be happy guys tonight.

Your blessings.

All right.

Quiet, everyone.

We'll take it from the nephew's entrance.

Oh, that's me.

Merry Christmas, Uncle.

Merry Christmas.

What right have you to be merry? You're poor enough.

Well, but you're rich. What right have you to be Morrissey?

The word is not Morrissey.

It is Maroose.

Oh, yeah.

All right, from the top.

No,

no, no, no, no. That's not your cue. Can't you guys get anything right?

Hey, we're happy guys. Not Fred Waring and the Pennsylvanians.

All right, we'll take it from my line about the dinner.

Please, Uncle.

Dine with us tomorrow.

I should see you in Hades first.

Why cannot we be friends?

Because... Because Tiny Tim is playing stickball with his

crutch. Wesley, this is appalling.

Hey, on the playground, that would have been a double.

Let's go to scene four. Bob Cratchit asking Scrooge for Christmas Day off.

If you please, Mr. Scrooge. Tomorrow being Christmas, I was hoping I might

the day off. All right.

We'll take it from Cratchit's line.

If you please, Mr.

Scrooge.

Seeing that tomorrow is Christmas, I was hoping I might have the day off.

a ledger.

Okay, here you are.

Here you go.

The Three Little Pigs.

You expected to play Scrooge?

Carrying the Three Little Pigs.

Be

gone,

get out. Off with you, you miserable curds.

Wait a minute, Mr. Belvedere.

line isn't in the script neither is anything else this isn't dickens it

england and it certainly isn't theater how can you call yourself a director

if you think you can do any better why don't you try i thought you'd never ask

Mrs. Cratchit and all the small assorted Cratchits.

Stop.

Carl, please, don't affect an English accent.

I was only trying to be authentic.

Wouldn't you rather be good?

Now, once again, please, and Bob Cratchit's line.

They're all fine, sir. We have high hopes that Tiny Tim is feeling better

Sorry, Mr. Big Time Director.

Just trying to keep our worthless selves occupied, sir.

If you want to keep yourselves occupied, I suggest you practice your singing.

Oh, speaking of singing, I had an idea for a little number that might make

Scrooge's sister more interesting. Yes, well, perhaps when it's your scene, but

not just now.

All right, then. Now, please, gentlemen, remember, it is Christmas.

It is England.

And it is cold.

I'm not cold.

You too?

I thought it was just me.

Now cut it out, you guys.

That was me.

So go ahead.

Well, yeah, but did he have to make his wife Scrooge?

Well, what's wrong with a woman playing Scrooge?

I have to play her fiancé.

Oh, Mr. Belvedere, please, please come back to the play. Yeah, it's going to be

a disaster without you.

Yeah, big guy, I mean, it wasn't all that great with you, but at least you

holding it together.

Sorry, I have plans.

I'm spending the evening with a witty and very dear friend.

Well, who's that?

Me.

Now, you better run along. You'll be late for rehearsal.

Yeah, we better go.

I guess I'll have to find the inner Cratchit myself.

You know, you may have quit the play, but you'll always be Scrooge.

Good night.

I need some rest.

Big guy.

Apparently it is too late to save me from bad jokes.

Now be on your way.

Before the night is out, you will be visited by three spirits.

What are you talking about?

Take my hand.

Why? Will you just take my hand?

Where are we going?

I can't tell you, but there's still time to save yourself.

From what?

Walk this way.

recognize that child?

Why, it's me.

Master Belvedere, have you completed your punishment?

Yes, sir. I will not throw food at my neighbor 964 times.

What about the other 36?

But it's Christmas Eve, sir. There is no Christmas for nasty boys.

Missing Christmas is a terrible thing.

Cheerio and pip -pip, young people.

Uncle Charles.

Yes, child.

I've come to take you home to sing carols by the Yule log.

Oh, wonderful. I do love Christmas so.

But what's my punishment?

We'll fax it.

Come along, my boy.

It's time for us to go, too.

Did I want to go with them? No.

I'm afraid not.

Oh, please, please.

show you the real christmas present why not

to this wretched production.

Well, gee, these folks don't seem too wretched to me.

Tiny Tim, if we only had a really awesome Christmas dinner. I hear you,

What are they doing?

The play.

Answer the door, Tiny Tim.

Maybe if they had a better director.

Don't look at me.

I won't. But your next visitor will.

Oh, Heather!

Heather! Please!

Heather!

Are you the ghost of

Christmas yet to come?

22 years ago.

What about Mexico?

Thanks for the lift home from college, Wes.

Sure. What are younger, more successful brothers for?

Hey, Dad, my counselor says I only need one more credit to graduate.

I just bought the moon from Donald Trump.

Why don't you take a flying leap at it?

You know, you sound just like poor old Mr.

Belvedere.

Am I?

And I did.

Worse. It's your 114th birthday.

about the President of the United States.

This is monstrous.

A hundred and fourteen years old and still living with the Owens family.

You have only yourself to blame.

What do you mean?

I hate you all. I quit.

Not so fast, old guy.

You're forgetting something.

You can't quit.

Why, you're the most hated man in town.

Remember when you left the happy guy's place? 50 years ago. It turned out to be

the worst mistake you ever made.

That's right. The play bombed. The people demanded their money back. The

for not -so -happy kids had to close down.

They built a toxic waste dump on the site. The whole town stinks.

Property values went down.

And everybody's poor.

And it's all you.

Mr. Belvedere, you'll always have us.

Forever.

Mr. Pizza's open for at least another hour.

The play! Have I missed the play?

The play's not for another week.

Oh, wonderful child.

Marvelous family. I'm not too late. I'll save the play. I don't have to live

with you forever.

We'll be right back.

It is the night before Christmas, and last night's Happy Guys production was a

rousing success.

The play raised an all -time high in contributions for the home for not -so

-happy kids.

Further, it showed me that through the true spirit of Christmas, almost

is possible.

Mike, if I came through here, Somebody close the chimney.

Make that everything is possible.