Original subtitles

Here you go.

Hurry up, Heather. I've got to meet Marvin.

I can't believe you're going to the homecoming dance with him. He's a little

nerdy, isn't he?

He's not nerdy. He's just smart.

He's got dandruff in his eyebrows.

That's eczema.

And besides, you're just cranky because you don't have a date. Didn't anyone ask

you? Well, sure. I mean, there was interest.

Okay, so I'm going through a dry spell.

Where's the head?

Down at the end of the hall next to the water fountain.

The head of the statue?

Well, if you ask me, Heather, you're much too choosy.

Maybe. But I'm still young enough to believe there is a Mr.

Right.

Sure, like he's going to walk right up to you and say, Hi.

Looks like you lost your head.

Like my psychology professor was saying, one of the reasons Carl Jung split with

Sigmund Freud was over their different theories of dream interpretation.

Hey, Kev, all I asked you was, what does it mean if I dream of dancing naked

with Pee Wee Herman?

Whiskey, you weasel!

Turn that thing off!

But I'm trying to shoot a video for school.

Not while I'm taking my bath!

What do you know?

They raised the Titanic.

But, Mr. Belvedere, you're my favorite subject.

Then you should try and capture me at my best.

You couldn't capture that with a harpoon.

Hey, I've got a great idea.

How about a Mr. Belvedere housekeeping video? We can show how you cook and

and unplug the john and everything.

I've honed my skills for decades.

I will not have them trivialized.

But this is just what the public is crying for.

If the public is crying, it's because you're on the loose.

I'll kick the jacket as you came through the door.

No one's there, but sometimes things get turned around and no one's there.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that you can get.

According to our new arrival, life is more than mere survival.

I just might live the good life yet.

So anyway, I've got my choices narrowed down. Harvard, Stanford, and Michigan.

What about you?

Well, I know I could get into Valley Junior College.

My dad wants to save the dean's life or something.

Your dad's sports reports are terrific.

I'd like to meet him sometime.

You probably will.

When it comes to guys, he has this weird kind of radar.

Dad, this is Keith who was helping me put decorations up for the homecoming

dance. Oh, yeah.

Heather, why don't you invite your friend in?

Thanks. Oh, yeah. Come on in.

If I blew this chance to meet George Owens, I'd never forgive myself.

You know, I read your sports column for years. I used to clip it for my

scrapbook. Sure.

And golfing his cap.

Willie Stargell wrote off into our memories.

No one had to ask, who was that masked man?

For we all knew he was the soul of Pittsburgh.

I wrote that ten years ago.

Stargell sent me roses.

Keith, this is my mom.

Hello. Right, you're the attorney.

Heather has told me all about you. Between you and me, she's real proud of

Keith.

I didn't mean to embarrass you.

That's okay.

Well, look, I have to run.

Football practice.

Wait a second.

You're not Keith Elliott, are you?

Uh -huh.

The all -state wide receiver?

That was last year. This year I'm taking a couple of college courses and it cuts

into my practice time.

Oh.

It was nice meeting you both.

Hey, why don't you walk... Keith to his car. Go ahead.

I think my father likes you.

How could you tell?

Listen, Heather.

Do you have a date for the homecoming dance?

What? I mean, aren't you going with a cheerleader or something?

I was, but we just broke up.

Why don't you take it over?

Call you later.

I'm Inga, your favorite Swedish maid.

Good morning.

Today, I'd like to show off my very wonderful Swedish meatballs.

housekeeping video.

This is degrading to women, Swedes, blondes, domestics, and several members

the animal kingdom.

Yeah, that's what's going to make me rich.

Wesley, I'm shocked that even you could sink to such depths.

Well, you wouldn't be in my video, so I had to do the next best thing.

Yeah.

Very well, Wesley. I'll be in your grubby little video.

He's up on the smile. We're not trying to sell denture cream.

And action.

Hello. This is Mr. Belvedere.

Here to show you the way to get rid of those irritating stains upon your

breadboard.

It is easy the Belvedere way.

Simply measure one part of baking soda. Cut.

What now?

Jazz it up a little? What do you want me to do, drop my pants?

With a try.

This is insupportable.

Okay, okay, I take it back.

You can be as boring as you want.

Oh, no, Wesley, I wouldn't dream of it.

Huh? If it's show business you want, it's show business you'll get.

Uh -oh.

Hey, Kev, what are you doing here on a Friday night?

Is there anything wrong? with me wanting to spend some quality time with my

family?

Struck out again, huh?

You must either be Keith or a singing telegram.

Mr. Belvedere, right?

The last I heard. Great to meet you. I'm here to pick up Heather for the dance.

Hey, come on in, fella. Good to see you again, Mr. Owens. Call me George.

George!

I'd like you to meet Heather's brother, uh... Kevin.

Keith here has all stayed in three sports.

Fifteen hundred on his SATs. Oh, come on. I'm sure Kevin did a lot in high

school, too.

I was lunchroom monitor for three years.

Oh, Heather!

Don't want to keep your date waiting!

We're coming!

There she is!

Miss America!

Dad! Don't mind him, Keith. Heather, you look beautiful.

This flower doesn't do you justice.

Oh, thank you.

That must be Norman Rockwell.

I know someone who's free.

That's very sweet, Mr. Billy Goat.

But they'd probably think you were my grandfather or something.

Not me, you ninny.

I was thinking of Kevin.

What?

Oh, gee, Kevin, would you?

I'd be really, really grateful.

Uh, look, I don't have a tux or anything.

Hey, don't worry, pal.

I got something you can wear.

Certainly dressed the hell funny around here.

Look, my father wore this at his wedding, all right? This was a last

thing, okay?

So you having a good time? I've had my greens that were more fun.

Your perfume smells nice.

Oh, thanks.

My dad had it flown in from Paris.

Well, I'm too glad you didn't have a date.

For once in my life, so am I.

Does this mean it's almost over? Come on, Kevin. You look adorable.

I look like the Maharishi of Pittsburgh.

Thank you, gods and goddesses. On behalf of the happy guys of Beaver Falls,

who sponsored this year's homecoming jamboree and tire sale, I

am proud to announce this year's homecoming queen and king. May I have

envelopes, please?

I really hate this a lot.

Van Buren's homecoming queen is... Oh, I can't wait.

Angela Shostakovich.

She'll be escorted to the stage by her colorful escort, Kevin

Owens. Oh, no. I'm not going up there.

I bet I know who the king will be.

And Van Buren's homecoming king is Keith Elliott.

And he leads to the stage his lovely consort, Heather Owens.

Let's hear it for our royalty.

I've never been up here before. The view is really beautiful.

It sure is.

Why were you in such a rush to leave the dance early?

I was tired of sharing you with the crowd. I wanted to have you all to

Really?

You know, if I had my way, I'd have named you my queen.

Keith, that's a little out of bounds.

I like you, Heather.

Well, I like you too, Keith.

But I just met you.

You feel something for me. You know it. Keith, I don't want to. You just need to

relax. No, you need to cut it out!

Stop it! I said no!

No!

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Kev. Hey, Kev.

Hey, honey, we saw your picture in the paper.

Huh? Yeah, the homecoming dance. Look, a great big picture of the four of you.

Oh, boy. Maybe if I hurry, I can buy up the rest of the copies.

Hey, kitten.

You see this?

Looks like you guys had the time of your lives.

Uh -huh.

What's the matter with her?

Oh, George, she's still in a swoon over last night.

Come on, Mr.

Belvedere. How long can it take to get ready for a dumb dusting lesson?

Mr. Belvedere, what have you done?

I have decided to take your advice about jazzing up our little production.

After all, if I am going to be a star, I should look like a star.

Yeah, but why Dracula?

Quite well.

If I am to dust, Where is my feather duster? Quickly, where are the props?

Right here.

Okay, can we just get started?

Here we go, and action.

Dust, you say?

In the words of the immortal bard, whether it is nobler to dust the mantle

wipe it with a polished cloth.

Aye, there's the rub.

Calling the guys in the white jackets.

Hello, Heather.

Hi.

You're missing Keith's football game.

I hate football.

There's hope for this family yet.

Mr. Belvedere, I think I'd rather be alone.

Is everything all right between you and Keith?

Fine. You haven't taken his phone calls for a week.

I'm playing hard to get.

It was stuffed in a trunk in the attic under some of your old cabbage patch

dolls.

I didn't want it anymore.

There's a large rip in it.

How did it happen?

I caused him to assault you?

Keith today.

Look, there's something that I need... He scored three touchdowns, one on a

return. I mean, this kid could go all the way to the NFL.

Speaking of going all the way... Oh, you know, we spoke to Keith after the game.

He was so disappointed you weren't there to cheer him on.

Yeah, kitten.

You ought to show some interest.

I mean, guys like him don't grow on trees.

Hey, it's nice of you to invite me over to see your sports collection. It's a

pleasure. Nobody else in this family appreciates it.

Wow.

A football signed by Terry Bradshaw.

Yeah, he threw it at my head once when I called him Baldy.

Keith.

Hi, Heather.

What's he doing here?

I invited him.

Why don't you sit down and join us, honey?

Oh, no, thank you.

Hey, come on, Heather. I haven't seen you for a long time.

Gee, I wonder why.

Hey, uh... What's going on with you two?

Oh, Heather.

I managed to repair your dress.

Look.

You'd never know there'd been a huge rip down the front.

What happened to your dress, honey?

Why don't you ask Keith?

What's he talking about? Pete's me.

You liar.

You jumped on me and tried to rip my dress off.

Hey, lighten up.

The dress ripped while we were...

Messing around a little.

Messing around?

Is that what you call trying to rape me?

What? I can't believe she's saying this.

I screamed at him to stop, but he wouldn't.

Hey, girls never mean stop when they say to. You know that.

Sure.

Sure.

Listen, kitten, would you excuse us two jocks for a minute?

We need to have a little mano a mano time.

Ow! You got it.

Look, Mr. Hall. Shut up.

Listen, the only reason you're still living is because you're not worth

an autograph battle. Yes, sir.

Curls never mean stop when they say to.

Who taught you that? Freddy Krueger? I'm sorry.

Sorry won't cover this one.

Listen, cleats for brains.

No means no. You got it? Got it.

It's guys like you that give athletes a bad name.

It's guys like you that give guys a bad name. Can I go now?

Get out of here.

See you around my daughter or anyone else's.

You'll be running pass patterns in a body test.

Oh, honey, why'd you wait so long to tell us?

I don't know.

I was ashamed. I thought it was my fault.

But you didn't do anything wrong.

Thanks, Mom.

Heather, we're your parents, and you can come to us with anything.

Yeah, even if it seems like we're too old and dumb to understand.

So are you okay?

Yeah, I'm gonna be fine.

Hey, kitten, another thing I don't get. I mean, Keith's a pretty big guy.

How'd you get away from him, anyway?

Well, Dad, I did what you always taught me to do. I kicked him where it would

hurt most.

That's my girl.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the world premiere of my Mr. Belvedere video.

The fantasy genius at work.

My thoughts exactly.

I'm Mr. Belvedere, here to show you how to get rid of those irritating stains on

your breadboard.

It's easy the Belvedere way.

Simply measure.

But there are two in Belvedere's. One is a dedicated, sensitive housekeeper. The

other is the housekeeper from hell.

Who is he? What is he?

Why is he here?

Let's learn more about this larger -than -life housekeeper.

Mr. Belvedere comes from an old, distinguished family.

After spending several years in the armed forces, Mr. Belvedere made his

triumphant entrance onto the North American continent.

Mr. Belvedere is the perfect housekeeper. He tans gardens.

He unplugs stopped toilets.

Mr. Belvedere makes friends wherever he goes.

A hard worker, Mr.

Belvedere cherishes his quiet, private moments.

He's a great little dancer.

And he's no slouch as a singer.

But as talented as Mr. Belvedere is, he's decided not to do any more videos.

What did you think?

Not enough close -ups.

Mr.

Belvedere will be right back.

With the help of her family, Heather is turning a bad experience into one of

personal growth.

As for Keith...

I think he'll be out of circulation for a while.

It seems a little birdie told his parents about his recent exploits.

I wonder who that could be.

Meanwhile, I've abandoned my quest for stardom.

I suppose I was a bit dazzled by the thought of my name in lights.

Come in.

Mr. Belvedere, could you turn this thing off? It's keeping me awake.

Show business is my life.