Original subtitles

Give me that, you bloodworm.

Hey.

Hey, Craig. Hey, Wes, what's up?

Fine. Now they're double -teaming me.

Mr. Bellamy, this is Craig Larrabee. How'd you do? Hi. He just moved here

Texas. I lived there a month, and before that it was Alaska, Venezuela, and

Saudi Arabia.

Are you wanted by the law, like Wesley?

No, my dad drills for oil, and we never stay in any place too long.

Well, next time you move, take him with you.

Come on, Craig.

Wesley, don't forget you have some leaves to rake.

Oh, I can't. I'm supposed to tutor Craig.

My English teacher asked me to get him up to speed. If there's anything you

to know about literature, I am an expert.

Yeah, and he does a great impression of Moby Dick.

Hey, let's look for that hot share video. I hear she has a new tattoo.

Uh, Craig, Mrs. Bunger has signed us a book report.

All right.

What book are you doing?

A Tale of Two Cities. It's really cool and bloody, and everybody gets their

heads cut off.

Wow, you're really into this, Wes.

I bet you could dash your book report off in ten minutes.

Well, I've never actually timed myself.

Hey, maybe... Nah, forget it.

What? Well, maybe you could dash one off for me. It would really help me catch

up with all my studying.

I don't know. Look, Wes.

My dad can get his tickets to the U2 concert on Saturday night, but I have to

have all my homework done.

And if you help me out on this paper, we could be sitting front row center.

My kitchen.

Well, about once a year I get a craving for tapioca pudding.

Are you going to take a bath in it?

Come on, big guy.

Give it a taste. It really goes down smooth.

Not bad.

What is your secret ingredient?

Tabasco sauce?

No, 150 proof rum.

Are you okay?

No. It's just that I have a nervous stomach.

Nervous?

If I was your stomach, I'd be terrified.

Your feeble wit doesn't help.

You know, my father used to have pains like that.

And he had an ulcer.

Funny how it follows you around.

Big guy, how much of that antacid you been chugging down?

Oh, don't worry, George.

Everything's under control.

As he came through the door, no one bled. But sometimes things get turned

and no one's fed.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that we can get.

According to our new arrival, life is more than mere survival.

We just might live.

We're back.

So what did the doctor say?

Well, Dr.

Hodes thinks that Mr. Belvedere has an ulcer.

I think Dr. Hodes is a charlatan.

Now, there's no point denying it, Mr. Belvedere. The pictures don't lie.

What pictures?

These. Oh, my God!

What is it?

Mr. Belvedere's stomach.

Looks like they used a wide -angle lens.

This is the ulcer, this inflammation of the stomach lining.

You know, this is kind of fascinating in a really gross and disgusting way.

Look at this.

Looks like a Louisiana license plate.

you so much fun at my expense.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr.

Belvedere. And believe me, we're all going to help you get better.

Uh -oh.

I can't believe it. Mrs. Buggers gave me a D -minus for my book report.

The old battleaxe? He gave me an F.

Uh -oh.

Battleaxe at 12 o 'clock.

left your math book in my class.

Oh, thanks, Mrs. Bunger.

Oh, and I wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your book report.

And yours, Wesley, was also confident.

But I'm very disappointed in the rest of you.

You've been fiddling while Rome burns.

Who's been fiddling? I can't even play kazoo.

I can play the cello.

So I'm going to let you buy me lunch, Trouble.

Thanks.

bunker figured out.

What's your secret?

I told her she had great legs.

See you guys later.

Boy, he's really smart.

So cool.

He's not all that great.

What do you mean?

Well, I really shouldn't say, but I sort of wrote his report for him to help him

out. You did?

I'm shocked.

Hey, don't rat on me, okay?

I'm shocked that you'd do such a sweet thing for a relative stranger, but not

for a very... special friend.

It would be very, very appreciative.

Hi, brother.

Hello, Kevin.

These cold -cut heroes are great.

Especially with the Bermuda onions, the provolone, the Russian dressing just

dripping. Kevin!

Oh, yeah, I heard about your ulcer thing.

So, how are your, uh...

turnips. Here you go, big guy.

We got you some great grub at the store. Grub! My favorite!

Yogurt.

Watercress.

Rice cakes.

Tofu squares.

We also got you this pamphlet. 101 ways to prepare cottage cheese.

I shall treasure it always.

You're taking this a lot better than I thought.

That shouldn't surprise you, George.

My English character has taught me the value of self -discipline.

Speaking of that, it's time to indulge in another English tradition.

Hi. What are you doing?

What's the matter?

Mr. Belvedere's going to drink tea. He can't do that. Why not?

Well, it's bad for your ulcer. I read it in your medical brochure.

She's right.

Tea is chock full of caffeine.

I'm not going to forego tea.

You don't have to. There are herbal teas you can drink.

Well, yeah, like Floral Sunset and Lullaby Spice.

I'd rather drink motor oil.

Suit yourself, but regular tea is a no -no.

Here, make yourself some cottage cheese soup.

How's it going, Marjorie? I got an A - on the hour paper.

I must have been a little tired.

Hey, Wes.

Trouble, Lewis.

Oh, it's... I thought we were friends.

Huh? Friends don't write book reports for other people that throw off the

curve.

Word gets around, doesn't it?

Tell you what.

I'll let you write my next paper, and I'll tell my Towson wrestling team not

twist you up like a pretzel.

You're all hurt, Lewis.

Don't tell anyone.

Come on, Trouble. I'll let you buy me lunch.

Swell.

This report stuff is getting out of hand.

Hey, Wes. Hey, Marge. Hey, Craig. Hi.

Thought you might like this, Wes.

NXS in concert.

Whoa. How much do I owe you?

You don't have to pay me. It's yours.

But, Craig.

Hey, Wes. We're buddies, right?

Maybe you can help me out with another report sometime.

downstairs.

Diet stuff is tough to take, but you gotta stick with it.

There's no substitute for health.

Strange place to floss your teeth.

Hello? Oh, hi, Lewis.

A paper in War and Peace by Thursday?

I'll get back to you.

Yes, then you should be rewarded.

So I bought you some yummy tea.

I don't drink tea.

Oh.

Too bad.

Well, it's a shame to let all this go to waste.

Good boy, Spot.

Mr. Belvedere, put that down.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Look, I told you I'm not... I'm taking in more clients.

Thanks, I already have Super Bowl tickets on the 50 -yard line.

Hey, Wes, when are you going to come up for the mayor?

Sometime in July.

Unless everyone goes to summer school.

Hey, you got any rejects for me? I don't have to get an A every time.

Get off my back, Craig. Hey, come on. Friends help each other out.

You're going to have to write this one yourself.

But you're so much faster than I am, and you're way hip to what Bunger wants.

Sorry.

I thought we were friends here. And now you're helping everybody else out, but

you're just dumping me.

Look, I'll get to it if I can.

Can you hand me that copy of War and Peace? It's on the bed.

Uh, yeah.

Okay, sure.

This is Pride and Prejudice. Oh, right.

Oh,

give me a break.

What's the matter with you? Can't you read?

Can't you?

You really can't read. Just forget it. I'm out of here. So that's why you've

been getting me to write your reports and skipping class and stuff.

Yeah.

You're a bigger con artist than I am.

Hey, you think this is easy?

Doodling in my notebook trying to make it look like I'm writing?

Or bringing a tape recorder to class and hoping the batteries don't run out?

Why didn't you just learn how to read?

I did in the second grade.

Then my dad started bouncing all over the place. I never had a chance to catch

up.

There are special classes you can take.

Yeah, with a bunch of six -year -olds.

Anyway, if they let anybody find out about this, they'd think I was stupid.

I don't think you're stupid.

You're smart enough to fool me.

So?

So all you have to do is learn how to read.

And I think I know how you can do it.

Sawyer is a great book.

Look, I'm not Einstein.

You're going too fast for me.

You were doing great.

Yeah, right.

Dick, Jane, and Spot. See Spot run.

Like that's real life.

That is around here.

Forget it. I've just been wasting my time. I quit.

You can't. We have to read our reports in front of Bunger's class tomorrow.

are you going to do?

goody. The rat patrol.

We were so worried about you. Oh.

We know it's almost four o 'clock.

You must want some tea. Really?

Well then, here you go.

Oh my.

I don't understand.

Just relax, Heather. Pour him some tea.

Here you go.

Just lean in and smell the aroma.

Breathe in the steam.

Yummy, isn't it? Yes.

You'd like some, wouldn't you? Yes.

That is ridiculous.

Exactly.

Why are you doing this to me?

Because we love you.

Well, I guess that's enough punishment for one day.

Go ahead. Take your reward.

As you know, today is book report day.

And now, who would like to read theirs first?

Craig's work has been excellent recently.

Where is he?

There you are, Craig.

You may favor us with a recitation.

Huh? I'd be happy to read mine, Mrs. Bunger. No, Wesley.

It's probably smut.

You may sit.

And you, Craig, may begin.

Well, uh, I'm not very good in front of an audience.

We're all your friends here.

Yeah, well, uh, I, you know, kind of have this sort of... Craig, read it or

weep.

about a book called The Little Engine

That Could.

He read a baby book!

Now, who needs this?

Come on, cut him some slack.

We can't read.

Well, at least he's doing his own work, which is more than I can say for a lot

of people. Wesley, what are you saying?

There are some people who can read but don't have the brains to do it.

And there are other people who can't read.

But I have the guts to do something about it.

I think you and I have something to discuss after class.

You may sit.

And now, Craig, you may continue.

Look, do I have to? It's so dumb.

I'll be the judge of that.

And if any one of you makes a sound, it'll be your

last.

I liked the train because

I know how it

felt. No one...

Thought it could get over the hill.

But it tried real hard.

go on much longer, George. I just got to have my tea. My British blood cries

out. Easy, big guy. Let's watch a little TV.

Oh, all right.

What's on?

Well, let's see.

Here's a documentary.

Good. On the teapot dome scandal.

Well, what about Wall Street Week?

They're discussing tea bills.

No, they're not.

What's this?

Ah, this is that old movie, Tea and Sympathy.

Bloody conspiracy.

Refreshing iced tea, anyone?

Sugar?

Lemons?

Caffeine? Hey,

relax. What about a pillow?

My, oh my, George, that's quite a tea bag. Hi, I'm back from Disneyland.

Were you having a nightmare?

No, George.

I was dreaming about your golf pants.

Where are you going?

Where I shall never have any more nightmares.

Mr. Belvedere, please don't go away. Stay back!

I shall have tea.

Mr. Belvedere will be right back.

Wesley's friend Craig is now enrolled in remedial reading classes, freeing

Wesley to do what he does best, serve detention.

But his sentence was commuted because he acted so nobly in the cause of

literacy.

Meanwhile, I just flew in from England, and boy, are my arms tired.

Happily, my doctor says I'm well enough to resume drinking tea in moderation.

He attributes my recovery to diet.

But I wonder if it has more to do with the three weeks Wesley spent writing,

tutoring, and leaving me alone.

Mr. Belvedere, be careful if you take a bath tonight. My alligator's in the tub.