Original subtitles

I know I'll regret asking this, but what exactly are you doing?

Practicing. For what?

The rodeo?

Well, I'm going to be a stripper to raise money for charity.

Of course.

Why pass the hat when you can drop the pants?

Hey, look, if I can help just one poor kid by letting a bunch of screaming

drop dollar bills into my shorts, then it's worth it.

Can sainthood be far behind?

More salisbury steak, anyone?

I'm still chewing this piece.

It's not too tough, is it? Not if you're Jaws.

Go ahead. Make fun.

I'm in court all day trying to nail a slung lord. Then I rush home because

Mr. Belvedere's day off and I want my children to have a nice hot meal.

And this is the thanks I get.

Come on, Mom.

Come here, man.

Really.

Right? Right.

Besides,

I wanted to go on a diet anyway.

Excuse me.

As you came through the door, no one glared.

According to our new rival, life is more than mere survival.

And we just might live a good life yet.

I can't make a dent in this gravy.

Here, start scraping it off with one of these Salisbury steak things.

Hey, Mom, to me it works better than Brillo pads.

school in his.

Well, it was your stupid idea.

Hey, come on.

You know, we all make fun of Mom's cooking, but it wouldn't hurt to give

compliment once in a while.

You mean lie?

Well, it's not lying. It's called being tactful.

You mean like if I told you you're smart and beautiful?

No, that would be lying.

Real funny, Captain. All right, look.

Dad's away in Russia, and Mom's lonely.

I think we should try and be extra nice to her, okay?

Okay. Great.

Now let's be extra nice to ourselves and go get a pizza.

Good evening, Mrs. Owens.

Hi, Mr. Belvedere. How was your day off?

Oh, very pleasant.

But then again, it always is without Wesley.

Mr. Belvedere, how would you feel if the kids couldn't get their teeth through

your thighs?

Relieved.

Do you think I'm a bad cook?

Well, bad is such a subjective term, Mrs. Owens. I mean, there's bad and

awfully bad.

And then again, there's wretched and horrid and simply abysmal. Does that

your question?

It's just the kids are always complaining about my food and I'm

it. Me too.

Want to kill them?

No, but I am thinking of taking cooking lessons.

Well, just be sure and find a good teacher.

Preferably one with a sense of humor.

Mr. Belvedere, it's so sweet of you to volunteer.

Mr.

Belvedere, you're my trainer. Talk to me.

Why? I just saw you at breakfast.

Come on.

Saturday's gonna be here before you know it.

I wanna look good for this strip -off. Gotta bulk up.

Well, carry on.

Hey, where are you going?

To get something to eat.

You bulk up your way, I'll bulk up mine.

What are you doing?

Looking for my frog.

Hey, Kev, is that Mr. Bug Eyes on your shorts?

I suppose it was.

For our first lesson, I thought we'd start with something... Foolproof.

Good old Yankee pot roast.

Oh, that's easy.

You just take a hunk of meat, throw it in a pot, dump in a box of salt, and

everything till the water's all gone.

My grandmother's recipe.

Ah, then it is hereditary.

So, perhaps we should start with something even more basic.

Oh, okay. Like spaghetti.

Sure.

Meet Chef Boyardee.

Kevin, what happened?

Mr. Bug -Eyes made me sprain my wrist.

Wait till I get my good hand on him.

Relax,

he's in my pocket.

Hey,

something smells pretty good.

Yeah, it's great having Mr. Belvedere back in the kitchen.

Ah, nothing like a quiet stroll before dinner.

Wait a minute. If you're out here, then who's in...

Dinner in five minutes.

Uh -oh.

Don't worry.

She's using my recipe.

It's absolutely foolproof.

So how is it?

Mom, what did you do to this meat?

I mean, to make it so tangy.

Oh, Mr.

Belvedere gave me a few tips, like adding a bunch of beef bouillon cube.

Mrs. Owens, I distinctly remember telling you to add only two cubes. I

after you left, I got to thinking that if two would make it good, then twelve

would make it fantastic.

Right you are, Mom.

That sounds like the smoke you'll hum.

Oh, good. The rolls must be ready.

Come in.

said you wanted to see me.

Oh, yeah.

I wanted to get your advice.

Trying to find a theme for my act at the strip -off?

What's the perfect female fantasy?

Well, I don't know.

Mel Gibson serving ice cream that makes you thin?

How about this?

You're gonna be an STD florist?

No, I'm a Roman gladiator.

Well, good luck, Spartacus.

Spartacus didn't wear a shirt.

Oh, damn.

Mrs.

Newings, I see you're stomping without me.

Yeah, the way everyone raved about my dinner last night, I think I'm finally

getting some confidence.

Well, don't.

Move ahead. Too quickly, I mean.

We're having lasagna tonight.

What did you put in this sauce?

Oh, a little of this, a little of that. I like to be creative.

Then you should join the ceramics club.

Oh, you.

Now, it says to add a pinch of oregano to the meatball mixture.

Gosh, that hardly seems like enough.

Wait! There's something we need. What?

Spanish basil.

Well, where do we get that?

Spain.

Well, maybe I can find some at the market.

Splendid idea.

All right.

I'll be right back. You keep an eye on everything.

That should buy me some time.

Are you sure you're okay, honey?

I'm fine, Mom.

I mean, I still have some vision in one eye.

I said I was sorry.

Well, I baked you something that's going to make you feel a lot better. Your

favorite, pineapple upside -down cake.

You can bring it in, Mr. Belvedere.

All right, Mrs. Owens.

I'm just taking it out of the oven.

Ouch.

Ooh. Ouch.

It's too good, she'll never believe it.

Wow, Mom, you really remember that?

Gee, I don't remember it looking so good.

Boy, Mom, you've been making some really great dinners these past couple of

nights. Yeah, you're getting better than Mr. Belvedere.

Never have come this far without him.

You set him out for.

Boy, Mom, you made us some really great dinners.

Gee, you're even better than Mr.

Belvedere, yeah?

Oh, hello, sir. How pleasant to see you.

Mr. Belvedere, I'm thinking of having a dinner party tomorrow night.

Where?

Here. There's this city councilman, Lloyd Taylor, and we need his vote to

two more attorneys for legal aid. So I'd like to invite him and his wife and my

boss, Daryl, and his wife. I'll prepare something special.

No, no, no. You don't understand.

I'm going to do the cooking.

But I thought you liked these people.

Dan would want to spend as much time with them as you can.

Right. So why don't you serve the meal and I'll do everything else? I want to

make a big impression.

I think you can count on that.

Kevin, why do you keep doing this to yourself?

I want to look good for the strip -off.

All you're going to look is lopsided.

Uh -oh.

Tom.

My tooth fell out.

It's been loose ever since you hit me in the face with the door.

Kevin, I'm telling you as a sister, give this up.

Hey, come on. I still have sex appeal.

Leon Sphinx?

Hey, look, this is for charity.

Besides, there might be a great -looking nurse in the audience.

Anyway, nothing is going to keep me off that stage tonight.

Ann!

My tooth!

Oh, my God!

I see you!

Mrs. Owens, I was just wondering if I might be of some assistance.

That's all the same, but I want to make this dinner all by myself.

It's important to my sense of self -worth. I wouldn't get in the way.

And I can tell a few musing anecdotes.

Perhaps through some of my bird calls.

Hey, Mr.

Belvedere, guess where I just found Mr.

Bug -Eyes? He was in your closet trying to hit on one of your lizard -skin

shoes.

Leslie, I'm in trouble.

Oh, boy, what'd you do?

I've been doctoring up every one of your mother's meals behind her back.

You mean Mom still can't cook?

Bingo.

And we've got guests coming in a few hours. I've just got to get in the

I know. I'll call her from a pay phone, tell her I ran away, and I won't come

back unless she comes and gets me.

That might work.

Then again, she might break open a champagne.

Hey! I got it.

She's got to go upstairs and rest when she does that.

I'll need your help.

Well, I guess I'll go get ready.

Oh, by the way, Mr. Belvedere said that since you're doing such a good job in

the kitchen, you went to a double feature.

Good. Then I can take a nice hot bath and not have to worry about him snooping

around the kitchen.

Yeah, he can be a real Budinsky.

All clear.

How did I do? You think I fooled her?

Without question.

It's heartwarming seeing a boy lie to his mother that way.

Well, that's it. There's nothing more I can do.

Let us hope not.

I mean, I've done enough already.

That's them.

I'll get it.

Good evening. Please come in. Good evening.

My, my, what a lovely home. Isn't it lovely, Evelyn?

Yes, dear, it's lovely.

Oh, thank you, Councilman Taylor, Mrs. Taylor.

And this is our housekeeper, Mr. Belvedere.

Housekeeper? How much are we paying you legal aid lawyers, huh?

Haven't I seen you at Arnie's Big and Fat Store?

Yes, weren't you the one they were trying to pry out of the dressing room?

Belvedere, this is my boss, Daryl Manning, and his wife, Paula.

Hi. Good evening.

Please sit down.

Ah, where's Mr. Owens? Oh, George won't be able to join us. He's on an exchange

program to the Soviet Union.

You mean after all this time, I won't get to meet George Owens in the flesh?

Paula's a big fan of his. She never misses his sports reports. I like to

them and watch them later when I'm alone.

Great, I am starving. And we'd better get to it before this guy does, huh?

So the mayor says, but Councilman Taylor, it will never work. And I say,

Because it makes sense.

I never grow tired of that story.

Fresh rolls, anyone?

Oh, I love some.

Marsh, dear, you have got to give Evelyn the recipe.

Oh, yes, the Councilman loves rolls.

I can see that.

Councilman Taylor, about our request to expand our staff at legal aid. Sir, as

it stands now, there's a two -week waiting period to see an attorney, and

only getting worse.

Well, you know, your plight reminds me of the police shortage in 79. When

gets home, do you ever peel off his shirt and rub those big, broad shoulders

with warm oil?

Hold on.

There we go, campus. One, two, three.

Mom.

This is not my idea, but Kevin seems to be a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

He wanted to come down here and show everyone his costume for the strip -off.

What do you think?

His mouth is still numb from the Novocaine that Dennis gave him.

I haven't told him.

He's a Trojan.

Apparently the one who fell off his horse.

Well, nice to meet you.

Mr.

Belvedere, I gotta talk to you. Oh, honey, come here.

This is our youngest, Wesley.

Oh, young man.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I don't know.

Mr. Belvedere always says I'll either end up in prison or politics.

Why not both?

Mr. Belvedere, we have to talk.

Please excuse us.

Don't eat that stuff.

Why not, Sam and Patty?

It's the only edible thing your mother made.

Mr. Bug -Eyes ate some, and look what it did to him.

Oh, dear.

That stuff must be rotten or something.

Oh, not necessarily.

I'm sorry about your frog, of course.

But that doesn't mean it'll hurt people.

Does it?

I don't know. I guess we'll find out if everybody drops dead.

Where's the first aid manual?

It's over here.

Check under food poisoning.

Okay, okay, here it is.

Food poisoning is caused by bacterial toxins.

It says to induce vomiting with one tablespoon of syrup of Ipecac. We used

last bottle after one of your mother's meatloaves.

Well, if there's nothing to it, I should just have to go out there and tell

everyone your mother's poisoned them.

No! This dinner's important to Mom. She's trying to make a good impression.

Yes, I suppose you're right.

So what are we going to do?

Wesley, I never thought I'd say this, but let's go make everyone sick.

It was delicious, Marsha. Thank you.

Is everybody done?

Well, I know I am. I couldn't eat another thing if you paid me. And I am

elected official.

You know, Councilman, that reminds me of ancient Rome.

The upper classes used to gorge on their food and then tickle their throats with

a feather, thereby causing them to regurgitate their feast into a nearby

It's right here if anyone wants to try it. Just kidding. Come on, Mr.

I'll help you clear the table.

Anyway, Councilman, as we were saying, about the caseload situation... Hey, Mr.

Belvedere, look at this rice.

Doesn't it kind of look like a big bowl of maggots?

Perhaps, but not quite as slimy or wiggly.

Mr. Belvedere?

I think I'm going to be sick.

Oh, cool, just like Debbie Price.

She has special lunch special all over her desk.

Oh, my God.

Yeah. Then the substitute teacher saw it and had to barf in a wastebasket.

Oh, wait, wait, T. Owens, you go to your room. But, Mrs. Owens... And you can go

with him. Mrs. Owens, the boy is only trying to help. It appears we may all be

suffering from food poisoning. My frog ate some of that salmon spread you made,

and, well, he croaked. I mean, literally.

Oh, no.

We consulted the first aid manual, and it says that we all must, well... I

think we got the picture.

to the nearest emergency room. Oh, I'm so sorry.

But, uh, you're all welcome back for pie.

I've never been so humiliated in my life. From now on, you do all the

Mr. Belvedere.

It wasn't a total loss, Mrs. Owens. The councilman did say he'd vote for more

attorneys.

Yeah, it's amazing what someone will agree to with a tube down their throat.

How was the striptease?

Everything come off without a hitch?

I raised 150 bucks.

That's wonderful, honey.

Yeah, it was off from one lady. She's a bone specialist.

Says she wants to study me.

Hey, everybody, look.

It's Mr. Bug Eyes.

Guess he was just tired.

Mrs.

Owens tells me that both new attorneys at Legal Aid... are working out very

well, and that they were the only ones brave enough to sample the plate of

cookies she made.

As for Kevin, the strip -off for charity was so successful that they're having

another one this weekend.

Kevin cannot attend on the advice of his bone specialist.

He's sending a proxy.

Ladies, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Dennis Quaid is a battle -hardened space pilot and Earth's top gun.

Louis Gossett Jr.

is an alien from a distant planet with a distinct hatred for Earth men.

They're two sworn enemies stranded on a war -torn world.

But to survive, they must learn to do the impossible.

Work together in peace.

Prepare for the futuristic thriller Enemy Mine.

Tonight at 8.

Now, it's Three's Company.

Next on Fox 11.

KTTV Los Angeles.