Original subtitles

Quick, Wes, beat it. Dad's on his annual spring cleaning care.

So what?

What's your problem?

Women. See, there's this blonde, Melanie Goodman, and she's always staring at me

in history. So I sent her a note on a paper plane, but I hit her on the head.

Hey,

I offered her half of my marshmallow and tuna sandwich.

Wes, the secret to a girl's heart isn't throwing things at her or grossing her

out. Show her you can be tender and passionate, romantic.

Well, how do I do that?

It's the heck out of me.

George, I can't believe you kept all these old playboys.

Hey, there's some very thought -provoking articles in these.

I can imagine the thoughts they're provoking.

Oh, uh, George, give me those.

What's in here?

It's a bunch of letters.

Yeah, George, they're mine.

What's so important about these?

Give me. Give me.

Children, children.

Okay, if you really must know, they're just some old love poems.

From who?

Nobody.

Barry Clayton.

That wimp who followed you everywhere before you met me?

He was not a wimp.

His poems were sweet and touching, and I'm not going to throw them in the

garbage. Okay, then I will.

Shoot.

Okay.

Hey, those are collector's items. Yeah, the trash collector.

Whose stupid idea was this spring cleaning anyway?

Yours, George.

Hey,

Mom, what you got there?

Oh, um, a recipe for meatloaf.

Yeah, your meatloaf gives us all a good cry.

Well, actually, it's an old love letter.

Oh, Dad wrote you a love letter?

Not exactly.

Huh?

Well, then who are they from?

Oh, Mom, you're not having an affair, are you?

They're from a boy who used to have a crush on me. But he was too shy to tell

me, so he used to write me these sweet little love poems.

Listen.

To my muse of loveliness, for whom I'll ever pine.

Although our lips may never press, our souls will intertwine.

So beautiful.

And it was all for unrequited love?

I'm afraid so.

Well, how come?

Because I met your father.

Oh, that's so sad.

Hey, I'm sorry about the wingers and the hot roller machine.

I didn't know you'd take it so hard.

Yes, she's crying over some old love poems.

You mean a bunch of mushy stuff really does that to Mom?

Yeah, Mom and every other woman in the world.

But sometimes things get turned around and no one's fed.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that we can get.

According to our new arrival, life is more than mere survival.

We just might live the good life yet.

Mr. Peltier, what brings you by?

Actually, I came here to get away from your parents.

That's funny.

So did I.

What's with all the keys?

Oh, I inherited them.

Did the building manager die?

Yes.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, it's too bad.

But now I got his job and I get half my rent off.

But you don't know the difference between a screwdriver and a chainsaw.

Come on.

This building's really well constructed.

It'll be a walk in the park.

George! I thought I threw these things out. These are my private letters.

Well, why are you suddenly so big on privacy?

Me? Why haven't you ever shown me your lodge salute or your secret fraternity

yodel?

If he ever does, please don't share them with me.

You still have a thing for this guy?

No.

It's just that these are the only things I ever receive that are even remotely

romantic.

Hey, I'm always getting your romantic stuff.

What about your birthday?

I got you the Popeil pocket fisherman.

Be still my heart.

Okay, I'll go right out and buy you a dozen roses. Will that make you happy?

No, not if I have to ask for them.

I love roses.

Hey, Mom, how do I look?

Just like a man.

Hey, Wes, what are you all dressed up for?

Nothing special.

Just going to the library with Melanie.

I thought she was giving you the cold shoulder.

Well, I know it's dumb, but when I saw you and Mom sniffling over those old

poems, I thought, what the heck, so I tried to write one myself.

I slipped it in Melanie's locker and she melted like a glob of cheese whiz.

Gee, Wes, love's making you almost human.

If I'm not home by 9 .30, tell Mom and Dad not to wait up.

Yes, I'll tell Kevin about your toilet.

In the meantime, try the backstroke.

Never clean a light socket with a nail file.

Don't you think you're in a wee bit over your head?

I don't get it. I mean, this used to be a great building.

But when Mr. Thomas died, the building died with him.

I can't deal with this.

Maybe I should move back home.

Now, let's not be hasty.

What have you got there, George?

Oh, nothing.

Just a poem a friend of mine wrote.

Oh, can I have a look?

How do I love thee? Let me see.

You are like a slam dunk to me.

You're the bat that brings me luck.

You're my favorite hockey puck.

Too flowery?

George, your friend is demented.

My friend is me.

No.

Hey, big guy, could you help me out? Maybe write a sonnet or two?

I've already bailed out one Owens today.

That's my quota.

Oh, another note from Melanie.

Hey, this isn't for public consumption, okay?

Come on, let me read it. I promise I won't laugh.

Okay, but if you do, don't be surprised if you wake up tomorrow with a mohawk.

You touch my heart like sunshine that warms a winter day.

Your smile like a summer breeze can chase the clouds away.

Gee, Wes, this is really nice.

You're growing up. Hey, don't get weird on me, huh?

Come on, I'll make you a milkshake.

Okay.

Did you leave this by my briefcase?

Uh, yeah.

You touch my heart like sunshine that warms a winter day.

Your smile, like a summer breeze, can chase the clouds away.

Honey, this is charming.

I didn't know you could be so eloquent.

Well, I just... It's... Well, I mean, you know.

Oh, George.

Whoa. Do you know what your father just gave me?

A hickey?

Uh, Wes, why don't you get to school?

Okay.

Have fun.

Hey, uh, Marsh, do me a favor.

Don't mention any of this stuff to Wes. I don't want him to know his old man's a

sentimental slob.

It'll be our secret. Okay.

That is the last time I set foot in Mrs.

Cicchini's apartment.

Did you have trouble fixing her drainpipe?

No. But every time I bent over the sink, she pinched me on the tush.

You do look pretty cute in your little overalls.

Kind of like junior samples.

By the way, Miss Avedon and 4F just called. Her shower wall's leaking.

Do you have any grout?

I don't think so, but if you're hungry, I think I have some donuts.

Kevin, grout is the mortar you use to fill in the cracks in the walls.

I knew that.

You think I'm stupid?

Anyone who can calm me into doing all his work can hardly be called stupid.

Come in.

Hello. Oh, Mrs.

Cicchini.

Is there any problem?

I know it's silly, but the cord on my Venetian blinds got tangled, and I have

arthritis. I'll take care of it right away. Oh, I'm sure you'll have more

important things to do, but if men wouldn't mind.

is going to like this one.

But I need an unbiased opinion.

Tell me what you think, Spot.

To my only love, the vastness of the ocean, the grandeur of the skies is

to the rapture that you capture in your eyes.

George, this is even lovelier than yesterday's.

It's like you're inspired.

Well, I do get some help from upstairs.

Modest.

Come on, Marsh, they're just words.

But it's like I'm meeting a whole new you.

It makes me look forward to every morning.

And evening.

Good evening, Kevin.

Hi, Mr. Boviter.

Aren't you a little dressed up to fix Miss Gordon's toilet? I'm off to a

concert. These are for you.

They are called tools.

Hey, are you still mad because I had you fix the antenna on the roof?

There was an electrical storm.

So I lent you my umbrella?

Yes, the one with the metal tip.

I'm a housekeeper, not a lightning rod.

And I'm sick of you taking advantage of my good nature.

All right, look, I'm sorry.

You're right, and I've been really, really selfish.

I just want to thank you for helping me out.

And I hope you'll accept my apology.

Yes, of course I do, and I'm sorry I snapped.

It's just I have a date tonight with this cheerleader, and the heater just

broke.

All part of life's festive cavalcade.

Okay, fine.

I just hate to think of all those poor little old ladies who'll freeze to death

if I can't fix the heater myself.

All right, Kevin.

But this is the last thing I do for you on the planet Earth.

And I once had the run of Buckingham Palace.

Well, now, what seems to be the trouble?

Nice tone.

Ah, perhaps it's that loose bolt over there.

I can't quite reach it.

Pretend that it's Kevin's nose.

On my date, remember? In fact, she's upstairs right now. So I'll see you.

Hey, are you stuck?

No, I'm playing hide and seek with the washing machine.

You're really stuck.

For further amusement, try poking me with a sharp stick.

I'm sorry.

So you should be.

Kevin!

Okay, okay, I'll get you out.

Just copy.

Sure. Got any change?

Okay, okay.

Let's see. What'll it be? We got pretzels, Fritos, M &M's, and Tide.

They're all out of Tides.

Hey.

Nothing came out.

I hate that.

Wait a minute. I see something.

I can't get my arm out.

Do you mean to say you're stuck, too?

There is a God.

Hey, Wes, do you know where Mr. Belvedere is?

No, and I don't care.

What's wrong?

I saw Melanie making out with Moose Magruder in assembly.

During the Pledge of Allegiance, no less.

Oh, gee, Wes, I'm sorry.

I can't believe it. Not only is she a tramp, she's a communist.

to cheat on me, I'm going to kiss her off real good.

George, didn't you forget something this morning?

Oh, yeah, you're home.

I must have left it upstairs.

I mean, why don't you go to the zoo?

Huh? You want me to play hooky?

Hey, the zoo's educational.

Buy all the popcorn you want.

Okay.

You know, there's this 10 -speed I've been looking at.

about your mom.

What? What's going on?

Nothing.

I mean, well, the things I've been writing you, I sort of borrowed from

Wes.

What?

You mean I've been swooning over love poems written by my own son?

Oh, George, that's sick.

and lied to cover it up.

On the other hand, sounds like something I would do.

Like son, like father, huh?

Yeah. Except you got caught.

What I don't get is why you wrote the nasty letter.

I thought you were in love.

You only cheated on me.

Oh. Tough break.

But that's what really bugs me.

That you were able to score with my poems, but I...

act crazy.

But when you find one that's really worth loving, like your mom, well, you

to play along.

You even learn to like it.

Someday you'll know what I mean.

Yeah, I guess so.

Hey, look, pal, I'm sorry for what I did.

That's okay.

a hundred bucks back.

Hey, uh, look, maybe this weekend we'll go check out that ten speed.

Dad, you're okay.

George.

Hey, I know what you're gonna say.

of yourself, George.

But you did it for me.

Well, you may not be Lord Byron, but the message got through.

Hey, Marsh, not here.

We don't want Belvedere barging in.

Where is he, anyway?

On a tree by the river.

Gilbert and Sullivan.

I'd rather be blown to bits than listen to that.

Don't get snippy with me.

Oh, excuse me. I'm stuck here in a vending machine while this gorgeous babe

stranded in my apartment.

Oh, I wouldn't worry. I'm sure she'll find her way back to bimbo land.

Now who's getting snippy?

Well, if we hadn't been such a clod, we wouldn't be here in the first place.

Oh, well, if you didn't spend six hours in the donut shop every day, we might

not be here either. I won't.

you don't have much of a choice, do you? Oh, showing your true colors now, you

overgrown brat.

I like Ed Wesley, but no, you looked like a time bomb ready to blow up...

you out of there?

You can?

Sure.

Well, what's the rush?

Anyway, Mrs. Cicchini was able to get me free, but not until she forced me to

eat her oyster's oregano, as she played Misty on a kazoo.

Meanwhile, the love scandal has resolved itself, and serenity has descended on

the Owens household.

To paraphrase the poet, love works.

in mysterious ways.