Original subtitles

the world.

Now, stay tuned for just... Can't help it when somebody talks out loud in the

movies, I go nuts.

You know, there's still no reason to plaster your nachos all over that lady's

head.

It was dark.

I didn't know she was a nun.

Hey, hey, hey.

Do you want to get a goodnight kiss?

Hey, wait a minute.

I live here.

Hey, Case, I don't get it. I mean, we do have a relationship.

We do?

Well, yeah, I think we do.

Why?

Just because I've seen you in your Mr. Happy Faith boxer shorts?

Come on, Kevin, you're letting your imagination run away with you.

Oh, did I imagine that moment in the movies when I passed you the popcorn?

A little baby kernel fell on my knee.

You picked it up and ate it.

Now, Freud would call that a sexual overture.

That's just silly.

I'm going to bed.

Oh, yeah, well, what about when you tried to grab my milk duds?

Good night.

Snack teas.

I don't feel so good.

I don't know. I think my glands are swollen.

Allow me.

Glands, anyone?

Oh, there's my carpool for the diner. Bye -bye.

See you.

Bye.

Hey, uh, Wes.

If you don't want to go to school, just say so.

I don't want to go to school.

Tough. You're going.

All right. But don't be surprised if I don't come back. At least not in one

piece. Huh?

The ones with the bumper sticker that reads, honk if you eat possum.

That's them.

They've got a kid about my age, and he says if I walk past their house one more

time, he's gonna pull out my eyeballs and show them to me.

I've been tempted to do that myself.

I bet he's just rough -housing because he wants to be your friend.

Well, okay.

But if I'm not home by 3 .30, call the Marines.

If you're not home by 3 .30, I'll change the locks.

No one glad.

According to our new rival, life is more than mere survival.

And we just might live the good life, yeah.

Kevin, I'm done with the shower.

Well, I hope you left me a little cold water.

Look, I've been thinking about what you said last night, and you're right.

We do have a relationship.

Or we should.

We should?

Uh -huh.

I mean, I did move in here because we both needed a roommate.

Right. But we've been living together for three months now.

Four.

Well, I guess the point is that... Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later,

so... Why not now?

Why not what now?

This.

Wait right here.

I'm going to change into something more interesting.

This is great. This is so great.

Casey can call in sick. Carl can take notes for me in class.

We can hole up here for a week and just live on love.

Must be the champagne.

And Alan, you were best man at our wedding.

What a surprise.

What are you two doing back in town?

Well, all my relatives are here to celebrate my parents' 35th wedding

anniversary, and Mom's allergic to Alan, so we can't stay there.

And did you see me? I forgot to make hotel reservations, and there aren't any

rooms left in town.

I tried to be mad at her, but I can't.

town, we could stay with you.

I did?

Kevin, you're a doll, and I promise we won't be one minute's trouble.

Okay, big boy, your wish is about to come true.

Oh.

Casey O 'Connell, Wendy and Alan Schnabel.

Kevin. You didn't tell me we were expecting company.

And you didn't tell me you had a roommate.

Such a skinny one.

Well, I guess we all have a lot to catch up on.

What happened to the sexy satin thing?

It's in the bedroom with your friends.

Oh, come on, Case. You're not still upset, are you?

Look, I had to let them stay. I mean, Wendy's an old friend of mine from

and Alan's her husband.

He's a bug specialist.

Great.

Why didn't they stay at a roach motel?

All right, Casey, what's the matter? I mean, you said you wanted to sleep with

me. I wanted to, and I didn't have to. Now that I have to, I don't want to.

Good night.

Hey, don't let a silly thing like this come between us.

Come on.

I bet they're asleep by now.

Oh, don't mind me.

I'm just getting a little snack to tide Alan and me over till breakfast.

This is all your fault.

Mine? Yeah. If you hadn't sent me out for donuts, I wouldn't have walked past

the new people's house and Jabez wouldn't have ambushed me.

Jabez?

Yeah, Jabez Bozine.

His name was stitched on his overalls.

I read it right before he did a clog dance on your donuts.

Not my maple cream walnut roll.

You must have done something to provoke the attack.

I just walked past their house.

That would have provoked me.

Hey, wait a minute. This kid's older sister, Lulabez Bozine, is in my biology

class. She seems pretty nice. Maybe we should go talk to her.

We?

Breakfast is ready.

Great. Thanks.

Come on. I've set a special place for you.

Sure.

I've got to go to work.

Come on, Kevin. You sit right down.

This is a challenge. What is it?

Defamation of meatloaf?

No. A customer found a hairnet in her chili.

I'd say she had quite a beef.

Well, I've got to run. Say goodbye to everyone for me.

It's those bozing kids down the street. We went over there to be friendly and

instead they clobbered us.

I'm going to nip this thing in the bud.

Nobody beats up my kids and gets away with it.

Come on, Ed. We don't want to miss this.

Let's move it.

It's time these people found out they're dealing with Iron Fist Owens.

Anybody up for a movie?

Oh, I hear love stories playing at the campus theater.

How about Gorillas in the Mist?

I don't want them.

Why don't we stay in? We'll order pizza.

I have a better idea.

Let's play Truth or Fib. You know, that game where you have to tell the truth no

matter what you're asked?

Sure, why not?

Okay.

Would you rather jump from the Golden Gate Bridge or be stuck in a pit with a

couple of wild boars?

I'll take the bridge.

I'll take the bridge mix.

Come on, Pacey, it's your turn to ask me one.

Wendy, if you were on a sinking ship and could save only your mother or your

husband, who would you save?

I'd save Kevin.

He isn't one of the choices.

I don't care. I'd still save him.

Wendy, Kevin isn't even on the ship.

Then I don't want to be either.

Wendy, I think it's my turn.

Whatever you say, Kevin.

You find a wallet containing $5 ,000.

There is no identification.

Do you turn the wallet over to the police, or do you...

Take the money and run away to Tahiti with your old girlfriend who's trapped

a miserable marriage and is dying to get away.

Hey.

You're talking about us.

Oh, hush, Alan.

No.

It's finally dawning on me.

I've sat here for the last two days and watched you throw yourself at this guy

right under my nose.

Alan, the only thing that's been under your nose are the four basic food

Alan, you want to know something else?

I'll bet you forgot to make those reservations on purpose so we'd have to

here. Don't be ridiculous.

Yeah, was I being ridiculous when I heard you call out Kevin's name while we

were making love?

I did not.

You did too.

Both times.

On our honeymoon and on Kevin's birthday.

Well, that's it.

You may not think I'm much, but I'll bet a lot of girls would kill for a guy

like me.

I'm out of here.

Wendy, I'm sure Kevin will be back with Alan any minute.

I can't believe he left like that.

I can.

Look, I know it's wrong, but I can't help myself.

I mean, Alan is great and we have a good life.

But he doesn't have that wild animal man -boy thing that Kevin has.

You know.

No.

I mean that Northwoods Timberwolf quality.

combined with that chocolate milk smell around his mouth.

Is that what that is?

Kevin.

Any luck?

None. I went to every takeout joint and donut shop in town, and there's no sign

of him.

Saw Mr.

Belvedere, though.

No, but I'm coping.

Thanks for being so concerned.

Sit down.

Now look, Wendy, you and I have been friends for years, and I have always

you as a friend. But only as a friend. There can never, ever, ever be anything

physical between us.

All right.

I understand.

Good.

between us.

It's a driving bloodlust screaming in the wilderness that must be answered

Alan!

Kevin.

Wendy.

I love you too much to see you unhappy, so I'm going to set you free.

did with my praying mantis, Giselle, when I had to let her out of her bug

You love me that much?

Well, I guess the best man won.

I can't compete with her passionate memories of you.

Nothing ever happened between us. Oh, come on.

This is the most beautiful, desirable woman in the world, and you expect me to

believe you never laid a hand on her?

In fact, I never even really kissed her.

Well, maybe it's time that you did.

What? If you're willing to blow your whole marriage for this guy, you better

make sure there's some chemistry.

Go ahead, Kevin. Kiss her.

Huh? Yeah, Kevin. Listen to the lady.

What the hell?

That's it?

Oh, Alan.

What?

Let's go home.

I'm sorry if I caused you guys too much trouble.

I guess when the honeymoon ended, my silly fantasies of Kevin took over.

I'm glad you guys are back together.

You know,

may not be my fantasy anymore, but he's a great guy.

He's been looking for someone like you for a long time.

I'm glad he's found you.

Come on, honey buggy.

Well, I guess they really do love each other, just like us.

I mean,

Sort of like us.

Kevin, we have to talk.

Oh, no.

No, you don't. Every time a woman says we have to talk, it's the big kiss -off.

Kevin. No, I'm not listening to this.

Kevin,

you're a really nice guy.

Oh.

Oh, that... That is even worse than we have to talk.

I don't want to be a nice guy. I just want a relationship.

Is that too much to ask?

You deserve someone who thinks as much of you as Wendy does.

Somebody who really loves you.

I wish that somebody was me.

But it isn't.

I see.

Hey, come on, look at the bright side. I mean, at least I paid my half of this

month's rent.

You said something.

Hey.

Goodbye, Kevin.

Be safe.

You sure this powwow with the bozines is going to work, Belvedere?

You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar.

Why say we put a landmine under the welcome mat?

What makes you think they'll wipe their feet?

Nevertheless, I have prepared a feast of shoofly pie, possum tartare, and

moonshine mousse.

I'm sure they'll love it.

Take off your hat. You wasn't born in a barn.

I was.

Now, look, this violence malarkey's got to stop.

I mean, what did we ever do to make you mad at us? Well, sir, you and your young

'uns traipsed clean across our property every blessed day of the week without a

buy or a leave.

I'd call that ornery.

We were just walking on the sidewalk.

What's a sidewalk?

The publish is clear of how... people never said nothing to us about the

sidewalk.

You on the publisher's clearinghouse sweepstakes?

We couldn't believe it happened to us.

Regardless, just because the sidewalk runs past your house, it doesn't mean

own it.

Anyone can walk on it.

Nobody's allowed to do nothing without what I say so.

Someone will have to die.

diner, runs up a hundred dollar tab and steps me on the tip. I could kill

someone.

Marsh, this is the Bozine family. They live down the block.

We's the ones been whooping on your family.

Whooping?

We didn't want to upset you.

Yeah, Dad said you had enough stuff to take care of.

The day has not come when Marsha Owens can't take care of her family first.

If I ever...

that you ignorant sodbusters have so much as looked at my family cross -eyed

again, I will curse you with enough litigation to make...

to Mrs. Owens.

She may have lost the hairnet case, but she won the respect and admiration of

her family.

Since the abdication of his roommate, we've seen a lot more of Kevin.

I must say he seems a bit lost.

These Owens men certainly are at the mercy of their womenfolk.

But then, we're all at the mercy of some woman.

I love you, Mrs. Fields.

I'm Jeff Greenfield. Later on Nightline, remember El Salvador, the death squads,

guerrilla attacks, the warnings of another Vietnam?

An election this weekend could bring it all back.

Sunday at 7, join host Mary Hart as Great Circuses of the World presents the

best from Brazil, Germany, and Luxembourg.

Yeah, he's upstairs locked in his bedroom.

Again? Are you sure?

That's where the trail of crumbs stopped.

She's been spending a lot of time up there lately.